im still grieving about a relationship that ended 4 years ago..

[loveandfear]

Hi everyone,

i thought i might raise an issue which is quite a big part of my life but i try to keep it to the back of my mind at all times. but it still disturbs me because its something i still think a lot about, rather, think about her, and the relationship we had.

basically, im 22 now, when i was 16 i started going out with a girl i met when i joined a new school. it was a great time because i 'fell in love' i had a lot of new friends (i had a difficult school life before this) and so at the new school i felt like mr.popular and mr.successful, the girl i was with was very beautiful and a very good person and popular, but from the start i was unfaithful and cheated on her (something which i feel upset, mad, guilty and bad about to this day- that i ruined our relationship)..

anyway, we went out for 3 and a half years in total, from 16-19...we were very close, best friends, i never really had any good friends or close mates before that so when she came along she became everything all in one, it was very special in a way and we were so together, but....all the while, there was this other side to me....i was cheating on her, i didnt understand that my cheating was ruining everything, (or maybe i did understand but just chose to ignore it), and when i did do something naughty like kiss another girl or sometimes sleep with other girls i didnt tell her, i would lie to her. basically, the reason why i did cheat was because i was excited by any attention from women, i was thirsty for love/lust and just a young guy really, quite excited by it all....but obviously it was something awful, to be lying and cheating on someone who gave me so much honest love and sincerety, and i pretended to give the same back.......but soon enough the bubble burst when i went to university when i was 19

i feel like ive grown a lot since the relationship ended, ive learnt so much about myself, been in therapy, group therapy, done so much thinking, but also a lot of beating my self up because i still miss my ex girlfriend so much, as in having that special person- the emotional, sexual, intimacy of it, just someone i could love and who loved me in such a beautiful way, it was young, first love.....but then again i didnt understand what love was really if i cheated on her......and i never want to do anything like it again, i want to make sure the next person is someone i dont hurt, or cause pain, why did i do things that hurt her, that ruined our relationship?....

the point is im almost 23 now, ive been single for such a long time it feels, i havnt met anyone who half compares to my ex-girlfriend and between 19-22 i just have been getting drunk a lot and having a lot of horrible casual sex which has got me nowhere and developped no real true relationships with women, only worsened my life in general really. since finsihing university, i am pleased to say i am now not drinking and havnt drunk alcohol for 6 weeks, and i plan to continue drinking alcohol as rarely as possible, because it does nothing good for me, i have realised...

i would really like some advice from people about what they think i should do, what do i need to move forward from this girl who i still think about, dream about, adore, love, put on a pedestal and compare all other girls to....i also think i may have a lot of built up anger/rage towards her (even though i was the one who was pretty much awful) because towards the end of our relationship she found someone and started a new relationship....which kind of messed me up as well, made me even more devestated and insecure...but im sure at least she is having a 'healthy relationship' now....rather than what i gave her.....but it made me mad/angry/envious none the less...

i just would really appreciate some wise words on love, ive read a lot of self-help books and books about love and relationships, but its good hearing of actual experiences other people have had and how they managed to move forwards....


im sorry for this really long message.....i look forward to your responses...

love to you all.

loveandfear

[Dreamline]

Only post in one place, please....

Jennifer

[spirit4711]

How long are you planning to keep on being in that relationship?

[loveandfear]

sorry, i also forgot to mention that for some reason i constantly am scared that i am going to bump into her when i am out and about in places i used to visit with her or just do things....everytime i see someone who vaguely looks like her i think it might be her....Im so on edge about it and its basically fear, i was wondering what that might be about?

[ar81]

4 years? That is not love. That's attachment. Attachment is the recipe for suffering. Attach does not let people love.

When people say "I love you because I need you", that's co-dependence.
When people say "I need you because I love you", that's love, a decision.

Do you plan to waste your life being attached?
Or will you leave it like a sweet flashback in your memory and go on?
Believe me, I learned to detach, the hard way.

[AlexH]

Getting over a relationship is probably the greatest lession one can learn in life. As much as it hurts and troubles you, the greater the self discovery you will realize about yourself. From that you will see the mistakes you made, why you acted and did the things you did?
Noticing that it is in the past and although it hurt and may continue to bother you, you will emerge a better person and grateful that everything happen the way it did. If things would not have played out the way they did, you would not know what you know now.

hen you make piece with your soul and heal yourself, you will want to be friends more than anything. You will upgrade so to speak and become attracted to a very different, higher quality person.....because you yourself have grown to be a higher quality person.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I would suggest getting yourself to a place where you can love once again. Go looking for a person that you can love unconditionally and that can do the same for you. Casual sex is like a drug because there's no real meaning to the act other than to feel good. But when you find someone you truly care about, someone who you feel you can spend all day with, you will be able to get over your first love. And be honest in the relationship. Don't fall back into old habits because then you'll be right back where you are now.

Either way, you must bear the consequences of your actions, so the choice is yours regarding what to do.

[CJAnyasor]

First of all, I would like to say that I've never been in a real relationship. Sure I've had a three year on/off again relationship in high school, but in general that wasn't real to me.

Second, you must own up to your responsibility and realize that you were the one that messed it up. Hey these things happen. You're not the only one to have done this in the entire world. As long as you understand that you're sorry, you are ready to move on.

Third, you have to get over her. Stop comparing her to every girl you meet. If you keep doing this, you're setting yourself up for failure. Be open to new experiences and accept people for who there are, not for who they should be like.

Fourth, according to what I've read in your post, it seems that you don't like being single very much. This is also a bad thing. If you don't like yourself and you don't like being single, you won't find someone else. You must love yourself before you can love another.

Five, since you've had bad experiences with casual sex, try REAL dating. Meet women and try to get to know. I'm not saying be a wuss boy hoping to get on her good side. Focus more on the person within the body; she's not an object, she's a person so treat her like one.

Congrats on cutting down on your drinking. It's one of the first steps in getting a life not dominated by thoughts of your ex.

And another thing. If you look at her social media profiles or anything like that, stop it. That's what sometimes happens with bad breakups. One of them electronically "stalks" the other.

Lastly... you can do this. Are you going to let someone who doesn't think about you anymore rule your life? Is this the person you want to be? Is this how you envisioned your life?

I'd like to leave you with this quote:

"The impossible - what nobody can do until somebody does."

Try everyone's advice here. I'm sure their input is just as valuable as mine.

[jamesbiz]

First, you are not grieving. You lost something, which you used to replace something in your self that you didn't have. You might have been grieving after it happened, but now you are just regretting. You are regretting doing what you did, and the pain comes from your lack of ability to change the past. Emotions are a window to ourselves. If you equate our minds to a computer, or a car, you can think of the emotions as a diagnostic tool. It can tell you what's wrong, but you are on your own from there. But with knowing what's wrong, you can discover why it's wrong, what made it wrong, and how to get rid of what is still making it wrong. You are clinging to a happiness ( which honestly, you didn't really have if you cheated, nor did you love her) which you feel you not just lost, but threw out by choice. And worse of all you actually feel that the choice was not your own. Your mind controlled you, so in your reality you might feel like you had no control.

But ask your self why you feel grief? What did you have in her that you are now ( once again) missing? Do you need a woman to fill in those gaps for you? You might feel that you do, which is why every single relationship after this will be exactly the same if you continue on with that mindset. When you go out seeking love, you will NOT find love. You are looking for something permanent by actively seeking something inherently impermanent. You are seeking something permanent, which you are lacking, which means once you find it and inevitably lose it again, you will also lose the part of you that she occupied. There is no broken heart, or soul mate or anything of that sort. You are your own soul mate, and you haven't even found your self yet. You are the only permanence in your life. Was she your other half? What happened to the original half of you? Did you lose it somewhere along the way? FIND YOUR OTHER HALF! But don't look for it from other people. You have no right to do that for starters. No one wants to sign up for that job. You will only find someone who is also missing their other half, and together you will be one person. One person who doesn't have enough of them selves to go around for them selves, let alone the other person.

The love you get now will be nothing but an infatuation, and it will be as addictive as any drug you can think of. The feeling will never last, and you will need more and more of it, and when you lose it, you will go through withdrawal symptoms. It's truly amazing how similar "love" is to drugs. You can essentially compare each effect, and they will come out the same way. If we didn't know about love, and someone acquired love, it would seem to us like they are on drugs.

There is so much more to this, but I hope that what I wrote at least gives you a basis. I really don't feel like writing a book, so at some point you either take responsibility for your own life, and stop depending on other people, or admit complete and utter lack of control and live in total misery for the rest of your life.

Your choice

[andrew]

I also have to say it's some sort of attachment. I'd first eliminate the negative emotions and beliefs, then realize you have options. WHen you know nothing is forever and you have options to choose, it be much easier to stay unattached.

[jasonwisdom]

When you want to drink....when you want to have casual sex...you are distracting yourself from feeling something.

What is it that you are feeling that is so uncomfortable.
First become aware of that.

Allow yourself to feel that feeling for just once.
Meet it.
Don't indulge in stories about it.
Just feel it and breathe deep.

I'm not even going to say the benefit right now... Just do this Step 1 to start.

[Karlil]

From what i read, in some way, you kind of resemble me. I have been through that situation btw. It was an awful period of my life. To love someone who used to belong to you who doesnt love you the same is really painful. The worst is knowing that she have moved on when you are far from it.

Well, what i did was to learn how to love others and stop comparing my prospects to my ex. Im talking about a real relationship btw. Casual sex is nothing but an avoidance to the pain you felt inside you. You cant avoid it forever.

Good luck buddy.

[jamesbiz]

Originally Posted by Karlil

From what i read, in some way, you kind of resemble me. I have been through that situation btw. It was an awful period of my life. To love someone who used to belong to you who doesnt love you the same is really painful. The worst is knowing that she have moved on when you are far from it.

Well, what i did was to learn how to love others and stop comparing my prospects to my ex. Im talking about a real relationship btw. Casual sex is nothing but an avoidance to the pain you felt inside you. You cant avoid it forever.

Good luck buddy.

Relationships can also be an avoidance to the pain of lacking something of your self. How can someone love someone else when they treat them selves like absolute crap? On top of that, he cheated on her, and lied to her. Was his love really real? Seems like SHE loved HIM more, and not the other way around. The pain should be hers.

[drakecatz]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by loveandfear

but obviously it was something awful, to be lying and cheating on someone who gave me so much honest love and sincerety,

Well, it's not great for sure. She gave her heart to you, it is a huge betrayal.

but then again i didnt understand what love was really if i cheated on her

It's hard for a lot of women to understand how this could happen if you really loved her. It's a good lesson for you on how many of us think.

but im sure at least she is having a 'healthy relationship' now....rather than what i gave her.....but it made me mad/angry/envious none the less

This has been a really good and early life experience for you. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you to be the kind of boyfriend you would be proud of.

Take your new found knowledge of what love is to you and be willing and open to give it to someone new. Before you know it she'll be there to receive.

No one can take away the love you feel for your ex. She will always be a part of your life experience. It's yours to keep forever! But it's time to move on!