Major growing pains

[cylon]

One thing that is funny is that in the midst of growth, a lot of pent-up, repressed, basically crappy feelings can come up right as you're creating new standards and moving beyond your comfort zone.

I think I've always had a pretty poor self image. I'm 32 and in many ways I feel extremely emotionally immature, I still live at home (but not for free), I had one serious girlfriend in high school which scarred me pretty deeply. I get close to girls but I am afraid to get hurt. I get close to my goals, but I am afraid to get hurt. And probably worse, bad things were said about me at impressionable times and I took them to be true, when clearly, they aren't.

Right now what is happening is I am confronting a lot of fears. Some of these fears require that I do things I didn't think I could do before. And as I do them, I feel two things:

a)Very proud that I have achieved something, have made progress
b) extreme hatred and disgust for all the false beliefs I have created about myself that told me I was no good.

And what I end up doing, is lashing out. I'm supposed to be on a posting moratorium right now, but on this forum, I was just getting in tons of fights and arguments because I was trying to "beat up" this poor self image and I was projecting my own limitations on other people, and blaming THEM for what I perceived as weakness in myself.

It's like I'm being pulled to two extremes===major growth and expansion on one hand, and sheer hatred for all the people in my life who I have blamed for making me what I am today. It's like if you told me anything mean about myself in the past, I am going to rip you a new one.

It's not so much that I feel like a victim than "I cannot believe that what you said caused me to believe I was defective.... I wasted so many years believing lies about myself".

It's like I am falling in love with the world right now because I know how much power I have, but I am not done being so ANGRY that I lived my life, believing I was defective, when I am just as normal and lovable as anyone else. I want to hug the world but at the same time I want to kick it where it hurts.

I've never felt so drawn between two extremes before.

[hawkal]

I know just what you mean it's like the realisation that the belief was false all along makes you feel stupid for believing it.

The problem is that you're seeing it from the wrong angle. You're seeing it as a negative thing.

What's so bad about having the realisation now when most people don't until they're lying on their death beds? They realised their own mortality and the fundamentals of life when they're powerless.

See now that you're more aware you just need to say screw it I may of made a few mistakes in the past and I'll probably make some more in the future but by damned I'm going to have a good go at it. At least then you can say you did your best.

[this is fun]

Originally Posted by cylon

I think I've always had a pretty poor self image. I'm 32 and in many ways I feel extremely emotionally immature, I still live at home (but not for free), I had one serious girlfriend in high school which scarred me pretty deeply. I get close to girls but I am afraid to get hurt. I get close to my goals, but I am afraid to get hurt.

A few years ago I was watching a movie (can't remember which one) and there was a line saying that by being afraid of getting hurt and shielding yourself too much, you end up an old lady (guy), rocking in your chair, comforting yourself that at least you didn't get hurt by anyone. There was much more (but I forgot) but this line kept ringing at the back of my head for days. In a way it change my point of view when it comes to this fear.

Originally Posted by cylon

Right now what is happening is I am confronting a lot of fears. Some of these fears require that I do things I didn't think I could do before. And as I do them, I feel two things:

a)Very proud that I have achieved something, have made progress
b) extreme hatred and disgust for all the false beliefs I have created about myself that told me I was no good.

And what I end up doing, is lashing out. I'm supposed to be on a posting moratorium right now, but on this forum, I was just getting in tons of fights and arguments because I was trying to "beat up" this poor self image and I was projecting my own limitations on other people, and blaming THEM for what I perceived as weakness in myself.

If you feel this anger and disgust you could use them as pointers showing you what you need to work on a bit more. This is what I try to do. If I feel something I wouldn't like to feel, I kind of ''thank it'', I'm thankful that this feeling is not ''in the dark'' anymore, it's letting me know where or what I should focus on. That doesn't mean of course that working on it is easy

Originally Posted by cylon

It's like I am falling in love with the world right now because I know how much power I have, but I am not done being so ANGRY that I lived my life, believing I was defective, when I am just as normal and lovable as anyone else. I want to hug the world but at the same time I want to kick it where it hurts.

Maybe you could consider this anger as a part of you whose function once was to protect you, it was a defense mechanism. It's no longer serving you in a good way in this context.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by hawkal

I know just what you mean it's like the realisation that the belief was false all along makes you feel stupid for believing it.

The problem is that you're seeing it from the wrong angle. You're seeing it as a negative thing.

What's so bad about having the realisation now when most people don't until they're lying on their death beds? They realised their own mortality and the fundamentals of life when they're powerless.

See now that you're more aware you just need to say screw it I may of made a few mistakes in the past and I'll probably make some more in the future but by damned I'm going to have a good go at it. At least then you can say you did your best.

Thank you, yes it is really just me saying "I cannot believe... that I lived so many years... thinking that I couldn't do (whatever it was) when clearly I can. I am just mourning the death of a false self here, an identity that I was very attached to. Usually when something like this happens I feel really WEIRD that I pushed through a personal barrier, it's kind of a happy, but confused disorienting feeling, but it leaves me feeling stronger in the long run. It's just that lately, it's been happening very rapidly, and in a social context.

Originally Posted by this is fun

Maybe you could consider this anger as a part of you whose function once was to protect you, it was a defense mechanism. It's no longer serving you in a good way in this context.

Yeah, I know it's there to protect me. That's the insidious thing, that one could mistake choking the life out of you as "protection". But that's just how our minds and bodies work, if we are afraid, we will invent ways to keep ourselves "safe" that can end up being much worse in the long run.

[Lauxa]

Hi cyclon, I'm 32 also.

I developed a vicious temper somewhere along the way, a burning anger with the whole world. I'm just working on it with affirmations, keeping my attention on where I want to go. Here are some of my favorites when I notice the anger or the lashing out:

- I am at peace.
- I am happy.
- I am gentle.
- I am kind.
- I am compassionate.
- I am considerate.
- I love my life.

Don't believe that you have to identify with these angry thoughts, that's just falling into a different trap of limiting beliefs. Just keep noticing and keep bringing your attention back to where you know you want to go and you will arrive.

May we all find peace.

[cylon]

Thanks. I actually do think I identify with many of those things, and they really are where my focus should be.

[ZHereford]

Cylon,

I guess you have to ask yourself why you are so angry and what good is it doing you. Furthermore, no one 'caused' you to believe certain things about yourself - you did. If you hadn't already believed them, no one else would be able to convince you otherwise.

Maybe you're really angry at yourself for not standing up for yourself or being more confident. Likewise, you can only be as hurt as you allowed yourself to be. I think your anger is misplaced. Not that you should be angry at yourself either. You should forgive yourself for being 'human' and congratulate yourself for your willingness to grow and develop. That is where your true power is - your willingness to be the best you can be. No one else is responsible for your self-concept but you. If you are still angry over past hurts, you aren't as powerful as you could be and are still relinquishing too much of it to the opinions of others.

[cylon]

I don't blame others, I really do blame myself. I feel dumb for believing lies people have told me, and that I have told me.

The anger is really more to the concept, of whatever's been holding me back so many years. I am just angry that it happened. But I feel anger is better for me right now than what I was feeling before, which was resignation.

In some weird way it's a belated reaction of self-defense, just making a stand to myself that all those things were lies and that they are unwelcome in my life anymore. I guess the anger to me reinforces that I am "serious" about not falling into that pit of fear and self-doubt again.

But, it comes right after I do something extremely brave for me... I have been making big progress but the more progress I make the more things just seem to make themselves known. They are barriers that get dredged up in the process, forcing me to look at them and make firm decisions.

I appreciate the post.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by cylon

I don't blame others, I really do blame myself. I feel dumb for believing lies people have told me, and that I have told me.

Maybe you need to let go of the past and realise that every person makes mistakes, and basically making mistakes is the only chance we have to learn anything in life.

[Mynder]

Exactly. Stop blaming yourself. You learned. You keep growing!

Don't live in the past (beating yourself up over the mistakes you perceive you made in those years). Try to transform this anger into gratitude for teaching you this very valuable lesson by offering the greatest of your challenges so far.

Also, something that helped me was to really separate myself and the way I saw myself from my own emotions. That is, "I feel anger" instead of "I am angry". It is just a subtle shift in perception, but this way you can look at and observe the anger, see where it springs from, and more importantly stop being ruled by it. Once you learn to keep your mind in observer state, you will find you can actually still make reasonably decisions about how to handle a situation, without getting pulled into being controlled by this emotion.

You are not your ego. You are not your emotions.

Plus, you still have quite a few years left in which to put these realizations to good use and create!

[cylon]

Thanks guys. Very true about not beating yourself up. I think that is probably the bigger issue, more than the anger.

I will also try to not identify with "beating myself up".

[Mynder]

You may very well find (I find it kind of likely) that this beating yourself up is what causes your anger in the first place. All the chances you perceive you didn't take, all the sad and depressed and frustrated moments you blame on believing what people told you about yourself. If you can forgive yourself for that, and accept that it was part of your learning experience in life, and let go of your resentments towards the people involved AND yourself, then you may find your anger will fade.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Mynder

You may very well find (I find it kind of likely) that this beating yourself up is what causes your anger in the first place. All the chances you perceive you didn't take, all the sad and depressed and frustrated moments you blame on believing what people told you about yourself. If you can forgive yourself for that, and accept that it was part of your learning experience in life, and let go of your resentments towards the people involved AND yourself, then you may find your anger will fade.

Good observation there. I guess the goal is to just learn to be more gentle with myself. I'm getting better at it, but I guess that's the type of thing you can never really "overdo".

[Mynder]

Mh, maybe this will work:

Imagine that before getting born into this life, you asked the souls of the people you resent for how they treated you to teach you how to love yourself. And they agreed to challenge you in exactly this way so that by overcoming this challenge you could reap the biggest benefits of this lesson.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Mynder

Mh, maybe this will work:

Imagine that before getting born into this life, you asked the souls of the people you resent for how they treated you to teach you how to love yourself. And they agreed to challenge you in exactly this way so that by overcoming this challenge you could reap the biggest benefits of this lesson.

So be thankful to them for giving me the insight into myself and getting strength from the process.

I will try that. I don't know how successful it will be but perhaps you're right, the way about it is to see the past as a blessing in disguise.

[Mynder]

Well, it might be true. And no matter what, it will put YOUR perspective into a better place, where it can benefit you.