You complete me...

[Amobailar]

I know there are other women (and men) out there like me who look to relationships to complete them. I just left a relationship of two years and although I know he was not the person for me, I still wish (and want) the relationship to continue. He was a compulsive liar, lazy, a slob and in the end told me I reminded him of his mother whom he hates. I couldn't see these things about him while we were together although my friends and family pointed them out to me. Now, after the relationship is over, I see them now and am in the process of accepting them. I know that I didn't want to see these red flags while with him and that's why I couldn't see them but why do I do this? It's like my mind knows he didn't love or treat me the way I should be treated but my heart still yearns for his love. Even now, I play the "what if" game and wonder how I could have changed to make the relationship work. This is a pattern for me; I have done this more than once. How do I get to the place where I respect myself enough to actually see these problems in my relationships and quit de-selfing myself in order to feel loved and whole?

Any advice or book suggestions are very appreciated.

Thank You,
Brandi

[this is fun]

A friend of mine used to be caught up in a similar vicious circle. She said this book helped her: Amazon.com: Women Who Love Too Much (9780671733414): Robin Norwood: Books

You might check it out and see if there could be something in it for you

[jamesbiz]

stop looking for happiness by needing other people. As simple as it might sound, don't try to get anyone else to love you until you love your self. If you can't handle it on your own, you will put it all onto the next person you fall in love with, and then what? You are stuck. You require that person to fulfill all those desires and wants that you put on them from the start.

It's kinda like when people say to not go into a supermarket hungry. You'll always make the wrong choices. Start reading blogs. Start to complete yourself. Why would you possibly need ANYONE else to complete YOU? Don't give up part of your self to anyone, let alone when you barely own the part you are giving up. When you are happy with yourself, love will always find you. You will also not scare away that potential guy that you deserve, instead of some loser. No guy who is complete would want to be with someone who is only half a person, and after all, you do want a guy who is complete right? Not just someone who needs you to complete them as well?

[mirandaom]

You are complete. You are whole, egg-shaped and one.

If you understand the physiological response of addiction, you can better understand that what you are having a hard time giving up is your addiction to the chemical release in your brain which is released when you are addicted. In other words, going through a breakup is a lot like going through withdrawals from any other kind of drug dependency.

It is very hard to get a herione addict to see how damaging the drug is when they just want that "release."

[jamesbiz]

Originally Posted by mirandaom

You are complete. You are whole, egg-shaped and one.

If you understand the physiological response of addiction, you can better understand that what you are having a hard time giving up is your addiction to the chemical release in your brain which is released when you are addicted. In other words, going through a breakup is a lot like going through withdrawals from any other kind of drug dependency.

It is very hard to get a herione addict to see how damaging the drug is when they just want that "release."

That's the problem. right on the nose. A person who is complete won't be addicted. I always see people these days wanting a person, so that they can be happy. It truly is like getting a drug to make you happy, no matter what the side effects are. Can you imagine? Would you get on a drug for depression if you knew there was a chance you would not always be able to get that drug anymore? Or maybe people just ignore that little fact.

[mirandaom]

Accepting the impermanence of life could mean fewer addictions. But we all need some form escapism. Earth life is painful at times, after all. Our eternal souls are accustomed to a more loving, gentle energy than an earthlife gives us most of the time. That's why we have people here we work with, soul mates. And I think soul mates can come in the form of hurtful people, like the boyfriend in this scenario, or helpful people, like a loving spouse that is very supportive, etc. (Or a friend, brother, aunt..it's endless really.) However each one has a lesson you're supposed to learn from. So don't beat yourself up about finding it difficult to let go. Just try to figure out what you're supposed to learn from the experience. Perhaps learning how to give yourself unconditional love and acceptance? People will not give you what you can not give yourself.

[Abitofzen]

I think we have all been through something like this... at least if we are being honest with ourselves...

There is very good advice in this thread, yet you could spend the rest of your life meditating, and never feel quite 'complete', or fully 'at peace'.

Relationships always reveal more information about you... they are an excellent time for self study. You do, however, want to avoid falling completely back into it.

There are 2 ways to do this... the long term growth method is to use an attitude of 'self study' along with meditation, EFT, self-hypnosis or any other method of emotional transformation. Let your relationship be your mirror. Be more mindful of all the feelings that come up as a new relationship blossoms... and if any seem 'obsessive' or 'addictive'... pay more attention, accept them, and work with them.

Method 2 is to simply play the field. Any guy (or girl for that matter) might seem like 'the one' if they are the only one you spend much time with. Intend to get to know many more potential mates before choosing a single one (10 is a good number). You will find much better people with this attitude, and when they sense your non-neediness, they will have the opportunity to really present the best of themselves.

Of course, you can mix and match these two methods as you see fit!

keep smiling,

Ben

[Amobailar]

The addiction scenario took me by surprise when I first read it but after a couple days of letting it sink in, I understand more. The breakup feelings I am having are like withdraws and I have even said those exact words to myself... "I feel like I'm going through Robert withdraws". I miss feeling loved, I miss being a part of something; included. It's almost like I felt I belonged someplace and with someone when I was with him and now those are the "withdraw pains" I am feeling. I have been wrestling with that very subject lately in a deep way: belonging. Where do I belong?

I also agree with the other people who said relationships reveal more information about ourselves so I should take this experience and learn from it. I have always tried to take something positive from a negative situation or relationship but this one has really tested me but has also made me recognize this pattern within myself.

[Abitofzen]

It is really powerful just to pay attention to emotions/feelings... and relax around them.

This is one of the most useful exercises for understanding emotions I have ever practiced.

You start by just paying attention to the sensations in your body. Notice where they are, where/how they're moving, how intense they are, etc. Let go of any internal dialogue or internal images (they may still come up, but keep returning your awareness to the sensations in your body). Relax as deeply as you can... and then a little bit further.

If the emotions are too intense to do this, you can just pay attention to the very edge of the sensation... or you can pay attention for a little while, then take a break and occupy yourself with something else, and then come back to the emotions and pay attention for a little while more.

A few minutes is fine, starting out.

This exercise is great for sorting out emotions in and around relationships, but it is just as useful for any other area of your life!

I could list off all the great benefits of playing with this meditation, but you will be able to come up with your own list when you do the exercise...

keep smiling,

Ben

[Karlil]

I think the real question is not how, but why?

Why bring us to reasons. I always believe reasons are important to justify an action. Learning how will not help as you still cant find reasons you needed to convert it into actions, eg: forgetting him.

Instead, if you first focus on why, you would be able to see the problem clearly and work on it first. then by learning how, you can apply it to totally forget about him.

some example of why...

you don't have lots of friends
you don't have the confidence to love another

etc. i don't mean to sound mean, the above is just an example. if you work on yourself first, i honestly believe you would be able to move on. Good luck.

[Amobailar]

I want to thank all of you who responded to my post; I have begun to read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. It has been extremely difficult reading this book because I can see myself in her descriptions. Sometimes I don't want to pick it back up because I know she is going to be dead on in all of my patterns and securities. I can honestly say I didn't know I was addicted to love, I thought it was just a cool song from the 80's. Thanks again to all of you.

Brandi

[Daffy Duck]

I'm glad to hear of your new progress, Brandi. Keep going strong!

[Time]

Originally Posted by Amobailar

......How do I get to the place where I respect myself enough to actually see these problems in my relationships and quit de-selfing myself in order to feel loved and whole?

Brandi, for a start, stop having relationships.

No, I'm not being facetious. Your problem isn't about your relationships, it's about you. You know that, of course.

You ask for advice on what to do? Here it is. Let a year go by without looking for a relationship. Turn your attention away from "finding love", and turn it towards yourself. Read books, yes, but don't read books about love and relationships. Instead, read books about self-examination. Psychology, even psychiatry books are what you should be reading.

You already accept that there's something in you that causes these problems in your romances. Fine, so find out what that thing is. You're the only one who knows.

My personal recommendation would be the various books that are based on transactional analysis. Games People Play; I'm OK, you're OK, etc etc.. Sure, there are some who call it 70s pop psychology. But there are many more whose lives it completely turned around.

Even if you don't find the answer to your problem there, (and I'm betting you do), you'll sure learn a lot about human nature and behaviour.

[Ilikedeadpeople]

Amobailar- all of the above posters are right- and Ive been in the same situation you are now. It sounds like some other posters have been too.

1. Youll never be happy in any relationship if youre not happy with yourself. Imagine you are a bucket. (haha) This particular bucket has a hole in the bottom. Now, you find another bucket who you really like (bucket love!) and the other bucket pours all the good (and bad) things into you that he/she has. But it doesnt matter, because you have a hole in the bottom of your bucket and it all just spills out on the ground, it doesnt FILL YOU UP.

Stupid imagery, I know, but you get the point.

2. It also sounds like your focusing on the lack of a relationship, and this draws more negativity toward you. Get a hobby. Take a walk. Anything to get you on the path to forget about relationships and their entanglements. It will give you time to fix that bucket-hole and it seems to me that I get things as soon as I stop wanting them!! Crazy universe.

Hope this helps.

[jamesbiz]

Originally Posted by Time

Brandi, for a start, stop having relationships.

No, I'm not being facetious. Your problem isn't about your relationships, it's about you. You know that, of course.

You ask for advice on what to do? Here it is. Let a year go by without looking for a relationship. Turn your attention away from "finding love", and turn it towards yourself. Read books, yes, but don't read books about love and relationships. Instead, read books about self-examination. Psychology, even psychiatry books are what you should be reading.

You already accept that there's something in you that causes these problems in your romances. Fine, so find out what that thing is. You're the only one who knows.

My personal recommendation would be the various books that are based on transactional analysis. Games People Play; I'm OK, you're OK, etc etc.. Sure, there are some who call it 70s pop psychology. But there are many more whose lives it completely turned around.

Even if you don't find the answer to your problem there, (and I'm betting you do), you'll sure learn a lot about human nature and behaviour.

Miguel Ruiz books would suit her far better, I feel. The practical part of them at least, if you put the god parts aside, are amazing.