no one can save me...i must bathe in my misery, always.

[jamesbiz]

Originally Posted by pushbutton

I'm pretty sure most people feel that way at some point in their life, but maybe a healthier way to look at it is that it's not YOU that's a screw up, nor is it necessarily any other particular person in your life (although it might be of course), but it's LIFE itself that can sometimes be screwed up.

However if you decide that you personally are NOT a screw up, then you are in a much better position to deal with the **** that life throws at you in a much more positive way and make the best of things.

Unfortunately only YOU can decide that.

Calling your self a screw up and saying that you constantly screw up are two different things tho. You aren't always going to screw up. You can change that, but blaming LIFE for the things in your life? No, sorry, that's not the best way to go about it. Blaming anything/anyone but your self takes the control away from you. It's a very ignorant way to live, and not very self aware in the least. I rather blame my self for everything, rather then the world, because at least then I have a chance of changing things. If you accept that the world is out to get you, then the world WILL be out to get you, and you will have no say in the matter.

[lightthecandle]

I hate myself so much because I'M UGLY. I'M UGLY. AND THAT IS THE ONLY THING I THINK ABOUT ALLLLL DAY.

how pathetic right? but it is true. and that is the sad part, and where i need the most help.

[Plays With Life]

Use some Crab Apple. It's a remedy for this specific feeling:

"When you feel unclean or have a hard time accepting your own self image. Cleansing."

"You feel unclean or dislike something about yourself."

More here.

[Lisa McGregor]

[

QUOTE=lightthecandle;393094]I hate myself so much because I'M UGLY. I'M UGLY. AND THAT IS THE ONLY THING I THINK ABOUT ALLLLL DAY.

how pathetic right? but it is true. and that is the sad part, and where i need the most help.

[/QUOTE]

Hi lightthecandle. Are you really ugly or is that just how you see yourself. Why not post a picture and let us give our opinion.

Presumably when you say you are ugly you are referring to your physical appearance. Why do you think you are ugly? Who are you comparing yourself to?

I think you need:

1. a good haircut
2. a visit to a beautician who will give you a facial,massage,pedicure,manicure
3. Some new clothes or a complete new wardrobe if you can afford it.
4. If you're overweight go on a diet - visit the health and fitness forum.

Make yourself your hobby. - in other words become completely passionate about turning yourself into the best looking person you can. I've seen some incredible makeovers where quite plain girls have been turned into beauties.


Try and love yourself. You are never going to be anything other than what you are, so you might as well just be the best that that is. If you hate your appearance it's possible that you just have a distorted view of yourself. Try and figure out where that came from. Did someone once say something to you that stuck.


And most of all try to love everyone else. Learn not to become totally self absorbed. Look around you and see the good in other people and the beauty of nature. Learn to be grateful and thankful for what you have and make a conscious effort to love yourself body and soul. Smile at strangers you pass in the street. Love, really, is what it's all about.

blessings
Lisa

[James81]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

i want change. i need to change myself. but i've tried everything. EVERYTHING. nothing works. that is why i keep coming back, not to complain, but for someone to say something, perhaps, and it will change my life and i will become a new person. I so desperately want things to change . i don't want to hate myself every minute of every day like i do....and feel like i'm not even good enough to be looked at , or anything. i hate feeling like crap...and yet i can't change...that IS the problem.

i fantasize...CONSTANTLY...about how sucessful i wish i was in all my areas of life...and i come back to reality..and it sucks, and i want to just run away or sleep all day....not sure what else there is left to try to change.

No you haven't tried everything. And no, nobody is going to come and say something that will change your life. You have to do that on your own. You have to do it consistently, day in, day out. Think in terms of it taking a year or more of consistently trying something before you'll see the change.

I've been at the change for 3 years now, and I am only now seeing the results of the things I've done.

[pushbutton]

The best advice I can think of for curing "ugliness" (whether real or imagined) is to smile.

That's it, just SMILE! (Think of something funny if that helps).

It's a proven fact that smiling makes others find you more attractive, and more importantly makes YOU feel happier.

So, even if you have good reasons for feeling depressed, try to just think of something funny (the internet has quadrigapillions of funny things to read and look at), or watch a funny TV show, and then SMILE as much and as often as you can.

Every time you meet someone or talk to someone (doesn't matter who it is) just SMILE.

I suggest you try this for a week and see if it helps. If it doesn't help even a little bit, then at least you tried (but it WILL, I guarantee it!)

[Andyee]

Couldn't agree with you more... why the whining if you are not here to ask for advice?

[jamesbiz]

Originally Posted by pushbutton

The best advice I can think of for curing "ugliness" (whether real or imagined) is to smile.

That's it, just SMILE! (Think of something funny if that helps).

It's a proven fact that smiling makes others find you more attractive, and more importantly makes YOU feel happier.

So, even if you have good reasons for feeling depressed, try to just think of something funny (the internet has quadrigapillions of funny things to read and look at), or watch a funny TV show, and then SMILE as much and as often as you can.

Every time you meet someone or talk to someone (doesn't matter who it is) just SMILE.

I suggest you try this for a week and see if it helps. If it doesn't help even a little bit, then at least you tried (but it WILL, I guarantee it!)

That only works if she is not only comfortable with her smile, but doesn't have really bad teeth. Might make her feel worse, if she hates that aspect of her self as much as the rest of her self. If anything, try to smile with your eyes and a little with your lips and cheek bones. To many people do the creepy full tooth smile when they shouldn't.

[z1freeride]

I know one girl that hated being ugly. I think she hated being ugly because of the perceived consequences. It was because of her "ugliness" that she didn't have a boyfriend. In reality, it wasn't the ugliness that she hated, it was the "rejection" and so therefore she attached her "hatred" to something more tangible.

Once she did get a boyfriend, magically she didn't think she was ugly anymore. How did she get a boyfriend? Well, she did it online. And her boyfriend loved her for who she was. She exhibited her best qualities and he loved that. I'm just saying that getting the boyfriend was a natural result of her taking responsibility and not focusing on things outside her circle of influence.

Setting out to get a boyfriend won't cure you. Setting out to live your own code of conduct will. You can't fulfill desires that can only be fulfilled by other people.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Andyee

Couldn't agree with you more... why the whining if you are not here to ask for advice?

i am asking for advice. i Neeeeeeed TO KNOW WHAT OTHER THINGS TO DO. i am not happy, i hate myself...that is the problem
also, i hate so many people in my life....if only they were never alive, i'd be a lot happier.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

also, i hate so many people in my life....if only they were never alive, i'd be a lot happier.

Nah .... You'd just find some other people to hate.

That's the nature of hate (and love too, actually). It all begins from what's inside of you.

Whoever you're hating, you're hating because the person represents an internal problem inside your own consciousness.

Eg the person is beautiful / rich / smart / nice, and you hate her for that, because you feel that you yourself are ugly / poor / stupid / bad.

The problem is that feeling which you have about yourself.

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Nah .... You'd just find some other people to hate.

That's the nature of hate (and love too, actually). It all begins from what's inside of you.

Whoever you're hating, you're hating because the person represents an internal problem inside your own consciousness.

Eg the person is beautiful / rich / smart / nice, and you hate her for that, because you feel that you yourself are ugly / poor / stupid / bad.

The problem is that feeling which you have about yourself.

...Well what about the people who have hurt me time and time again ( abuse) or anything else/any other way? i'm supposed to just be ok with that??? that my friend, makes NO sense. even though everyone says 'forgive and forget' . i can't , i hate those idiots who hurt me soooooooo much. i wish i didn't hate myself though...that is the unhealthy part.

[Acting Like Godot]

Even if you moved to another country and started a new life there, faaaar away from all the people you now know, the same themes would still recur again and again, until you change whatever you need to change within yourself.

The same themes would just recur with different people, that's all. The outer reality is just a reflection of the inner reality.

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

i am asking for advice. i Neeeeeeed TO KNOW WHAT OTHER THINGS TO DO. i am not happy, i hate myself...that is the problem
also, i hate so many people in my life....if only they were never alive, i'd be a lot happier.

You've been asking the same questions here for over two years--since May 2007, to be exact.

For over two years now, you've come here, always in "desperate" need of help, pouring out your misery and self-hatred, begging for help, for answers, for solutions to your problems.

Countless people here have tried to help you. They have offered advice. They have empathised with you. They have tried to encourage you. You "Neeeeeeeed" to know what to do? Try actually doing some of the things that have been suggested, and doing them in a sustained manner. But most of all, take responsibility for your own misery--you're the one creating it.

I am unsympathetic because in the over two years you have been posting here, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Every post is full of drama, self-pity, whining, blame, and endless excuses for why your life sucks, and why you can't do the things others suggest, and why nothing works for you.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

You are the same vortex of negativity you have been since the first day you posted here.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

That said, the title of this thread is only partially, conditionally true. No one can save you, that's true--except yourself. Only you can save yourself. You have to make the decision to change. You have to make the commitment to changing, however long it might take. You have to do the actual work of changing. You have to stop getting in your own way. Nobody else can do it for you.

And you will only bathe in your misery as long as you insist on doing so. You will be unhappy as long as you insist on being unhappy. You will hate yourself as long as you insist on hating yourself.

Your problem is you. Your solution is also you. So what are you going to do? You've had over two years of advice and encouragement thrown at you; maybe you should consider putting some of it to work.

And if nothing suggested has worked, then you need to find something that does, instead of wallowing in drama and self-pity so people on the Internet will pay attention to you. That is clearly not working.

[pushbutton]

I think you need to take some time away from the people you say you hate, or posisbly, if you really hate them and if it's possible, banish them from your life completely.

If that's note possible right now, then you need to find ways to bring in more positive, happy relationships into your life to give you a much better overall balance against those people who are having a negative effect on you.

You might do this by joining some sort of club, sport, or hobby group, by doing some volunteering, or by making friends with new people at work or school or wherever else you can.

Even online relationships count (why wouldn't they) so get as many good, happy, positive people into your life as possible. That way you'll have a better balance and start to feel a bit better about yourself in time too.

And as for hating yourself, I think one of the keys to changing that is to try to find (if you don't already know) things you enjoy, and make sure that you do them on a regular basis (hobbies or sports or whatever). Also try to find things you are good at, and establish ways to do those things frequently, and ideally try to find ways to get even better at them, and to maybe even earn a living doing those things.

These things, plus having good positive, caring and ideally loving relationships in your life (be it with close friends, family, colleagues, or romantic relationships) are the best ways to start enjoying life more. If you enjoy life, you will probably not hate yourself anymore.

Also, if there are particular things about yourself that you hate, you obviously need to try to find ways to reduce or eliminate those things if you can too.

Hope that helps a bit.

[lifetimelearner]

[QUOTE=Indiana;390346]This reminds me of something that F Scott Fitzgerald wrote once in an essay about alcoholism and depression. He writes that people under the spell of either alcohol or depression (like it sounds like you are) exist in a kind of dream, waking occasionally to deal with necessities that life throws at them and then retreating to the dream, hoping that some "material or spiritual bonanza" will arrive to save them.


I love this Indiana



depression changes your brain chemistry and all you can 'see' and feel is hopelessness

I see self-pity ,anger,and poor self-esteem rather then depression in your tone
what is going on besides feeling ugly and that people have done you wrong ?

[lightthecandle]

[QUOTE=lifetimelearner;395452]

Originally Posted by Indiana

This reminds me of something that F Scott Fitzgerald wrote once in an essay about alcoholism and depression. He writes that people under the spell of either alcohol or depression (like it sounds like you are) exist in a kind of dream, waking occasionally to deal with necessities that life throws at them and then retreating to the dream, hoping that some "material or spiritual bonanza" will arrive to save them.




I love this Indiana



depression changes your brain chemistry and all you can 'see' and feel is hopelessness

I see self-pity ,anger,and poor self-esteem rather then depression in your tone
what is going on besides feeling ugly and that people have done you wrong ?

well these are the main things. and i hate that i didn't live up to my parent's expectations of me (regarding school ) or my own. of course i want to suceed, but i never did, and that is what i hate so much.

sorry if this seems like whining. ...but honestly what do you guys think the problem is? is it mere whining, or depression? because i am diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder =/

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

sorry if this seems like whining. ...but honestly what do you guys think the problem is? is it mere whining, or depression? because i am diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder =/

Lightthecandle, I doubt anyone here is qualified to be able to answer your question. I have no idea what schizoaffective disorder is, how it affects people, if it can be treated or cured, and how it compares to depression or feeling sad and whether or not it can distort thinking about self-image or happiness.

I expect most people are giving advice here based on what they would do, or what they think would work. If you have an underlying problem, then wouldn't it make sense to work with that first?

What treatment are you receiving for it, and what steps are you taking to actively feel better.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

well these are the main things. and i hate that i didn't live up to my parent's expectations of me (regarding school ) or my own.

Well, it works like this - no matter how well you do, it will never be good enough .... if you think negatively of yourself.

[enicah]

save you from what

[amanda71]

When you say you have "tried everything", what do you mean?
What have you tried? Please repond with a list of the things you have attempted to use to improve your life, then we can all see what you may have left out.

[lifetimelearner]

[QUOTE=lightthecandle;395711
well these are the main things. and i hate that i didn't live up to my parent's expectations of me (regarding school ) or my own. of course i want to suceed, but i never did, and that is what i hate so much.

sorry if this seems like whining. ...but honestly what do you guys think the problem is? is it mere whining, or depression? because i am diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder =/[/QUOTE]




are you taking any antipsychotics such as lithium ,haldol or risperdal
or maybe any mood stabliizers such as depakote ?

[The Cloud]

Perhaps you're so unhappy because you're life is being governed by impossible rules. You're supposed to be successful NOW, even though you can never go back and change things to make that happen. You're supposed to be pretty NOW, even though there's nothing you can do about it. You're supposed to be confident and unafraid and smart and lovable and healthy and all sorts of things that you can't qualify yourself as right now. You've had expectations forced on you so much that you're now convinced that they are your own expectations, and that in addition to failing everyone else you are also failing yourself.

And then you project your failure from the past into the future so that you will be a failure forever no matter what, because even if you succeed now that failure in the future will always be waiting to sneak up on you.

But you know what these rules are made to be? Broken. Be stupid and ugly and mean and unlikable; if this is what you are, then why put yourself through the misery of being ashamed of it? If you are and forever will be a screw-up, then be a screw-up! Screw your parents and friends and society and their impossible stupid expectations! Bathe in your misery! All you ever are is afraid of being wrong, but what's worse; being wrong, or being afraid?

All the things that you're trying so hard not to be, that you are convinced so thoroughly that you shouldn't be, try being them. Stupid, ugly, mean, wrong, miserable, depressed, angry, aggressive, forceful, demanding, disappointing, proud, timid. Make people angry, disappoint them, fight with them, ignore them, pursue them, shun them. If it fits and feels right, then you'll have thrown the yoke of an impossible expectation. And if it doesn't fit, then you never had anything to worry about in the first place. Because whatever you are, you are, and the only way to fail at that is to pretend you can be otherwise.

I'm not joking. You are trapped by these worthless expectations, and as long as they govern your life you will never change from the way you are now. Perhaps you aren't mean or stupid, but it's better to find out now than to spend your life trying not to be what you already aren't.

[Lauxa]

Hey LTC,

I don't know if you'll try this, but it's helping me so I'll share. I've been on a new mantra for about a month now, it's "Everywhere I look I see wonderful things." Sometimes I add "It is enough to see wonderful things."

I had figured out a couple months before that I had a bit of a mantra constantly running in my head. It was "I hate myself" (or "I hate you"... talking to myself). This mantra had a particular tonal quality and energy associated with it, and I found that the new one does too. In fact, I wrote a sonata on it so the beautiful music of my mantra can fill my head.

Remember, you can't think 2 thoughts at once. You know what you don't want (hating self) so now figure out what you do want, shift your attention, and, in the words of Paul, "pray without ceasing".

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

LightTheCandle: You're not the first person who has posted something like this. Experience has shown us that this will go one of two ways.

In the first case, you are not actually seeking improvement and merely want to express your misery and even wallow in it. That would violate our Pity Party rules and you'll get banned. We don't want people wasting their time and energy trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You'd probably agree that that's counter productive for everyone right?

In the second case, you actually want help and are ready to listen and take action. If this is true, you will get help here, but you must be open to hearing something that at first doesn't make sense. When someone is sad, they can't usually jump right to reason or joy or love. Sometimes fear, anger and pride need to happen first. So if you truly want help, explain your situation more clearly and demonstrate that you are ready to listen to wise counsel from people who are at a higher vibration than you are at the moment.

Or see a counselor.

To everyone responding in this thread, wait for LTC to demonstrate a willingness to raise her vibration before posting again. We've all been through these threads before. I appreciate how eager peopel are to help others. Speaks well of you all. But let's see where LTC would like to go first.

I haven't seen anything in this thread that shows that LTC is going the second route that Erin suggested she should go. Therefore I'm closing this thread for violation of the rule against Pity Parties.

The rule is here:

Do not whine (i.e. no pity parties) - It's okay to share your problems and challenges and request advice and help from others here. It is NOT okay to incessantly whine, complain, unload negativity, or seek commiseration. Members who exhibit a pattern of negative "poor me" posts with minimal receptiveness to change will be banned. These forums are for people who assume full responsibility for their lives, not for those who are looking to be objects of pity or to assign blame.