Friend coming to my blog and criticizing me and my readers-should I let him?

[ricky]

I have a self development blog where I post my experiences. I am constantly trying different things to improve myself and learn more about myself. I've tried many different ways of using affirmations just for an example and realized what worked and what didn't.

I started blogging because I thought there might be more people like me who might learn something from my mistakes or my growth.

This is the friend I've known for over 20 years. He's always been a person who "knows it all" and all my life he put me down.
He also had a strong desire to be the center of attention. E.g. if I knew a girl when we were young, he would do whatever to get her attention and majority of the times he would do this by putting me down, making fun of me in front of her, or/and especially if there were a group of people.

Previously I was seeking his approval so I clung to him. For the past few years I have deliberately started cutting my ties with negative people and especially people who constantly judge and correct me.
He's the ultimate when it comes to judging people and putting them down for having a different opinion or different beliefs than him.

Anyways, before he used to make fun of my blog, always patronizing and mocking me.

Recently, my blog has become more popular and people have started commenting there regularly.

Everyone who has commented have been simply awesome and have learned from my experience as I have from their experiences, and have contributed greatly to the blog.

Now that the blog is a little popular, this friend started reading my blog and started commenting as well. But his comments are condescending towards me and my readers.

If it was anyone else I would let them express their opinion and actually look into it. Maybe I can learn something from them as well. But he is not interested in anyone else's opinion or point of view, rather is trying to force his opinion on everyone.
He claims to be open-minded but in all the time I've known him he's always tried to force his views on others.

I used to feel great working on my blog. Now it's starting to give me tension.

My question is:
Should I let him leave his condescending comments on my blog so maybe someone can benefit from them? OR
Should I put a stop to it since it is my blog after all and I'm writing about my life and my experiences?


Thank you

[Daffy Duck]

Hi Ricky, this is what I would do.

1. Delete all of his posts from your blogs.
2. Then delete that piece of trash from your life completely.

I've had to get rid of negative people in my life too. It's not always easy, especially when you once considered them a close friend.

Your friend is not acting like a friend, from what I hear. He's acting like an enemy. If you don't want enemies, remove him. Tell him he's not allowed to associate with you until he can be positive.

Let me tell you, it's so nice to not allow people to be rude to you. And it's often a good wake up call for the other person.

Good luck! And congrats on the popularity of your blog.

P.S. I checked out your blog and can't seem to find any of his comments, unless he's CP? CP comes across as a little rude but he also apologizes for it.

[aelle]

This acquaintance doesn't sound like a friend at all.

[ricky]

Hi Daffy Duck,
I was hesitant to delete his posts as I thought my readers might be benefiting from them.
Only reason I actually thought about posting in this forum was because I was actually starting to get stressed whenever the thought of looking at my own blog was coming up. Not to mention I haven't felt like updating my blog. I have soooo many things I wanted to write about but started thinking maybe it was not a good idea.
I've known him for over 21 years now so I'm more with him because of our history and I talk to him because of obligation instead of feeling good when talking to him.
It seemed like he had changed after his marriage and his child but...
Thank you for your thoughts on this. I am glad that what I was feeling wasn't just my imagination or I wasn't just being too "sensitive" as he would call it! :-)
Ricky

[ricky]

@aelle,
Once you're in the middle of this it's hard to be objective that's why it was very important for me to share this with people who're on the same self development path as me and see what they say.
Thank you

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by ricky

I was hesitant to delete his posts as I thought my readers might be benefiting from them.

Maybe don't delete all of them then. Only delete the ones that don't contribute at all. It's your call.

I have soooo many things I wanted to write about but started thinking maybe it was not a good idea.

Because of what your friend would say? Don't let anyone hold you back, bud!

I've known him for over 21 years now so I'm more with him because of our history and I talk to him because of obligation instead of feeling good when talking to him. It seemed like he had changed after his marriage and his child but...

I currently have one friend who was like this. Known him for about 9 years. He's usually cool with me, but he acts like a little jerk sometimes and embarrasses his friends in public with his rude behavior. He's also been rude with my girlfriends, and like your friend might say, he always dismissed it as us being too "sensitive."

Now, being a New Yorker with older brothers, I can take and give teasing with no problem. I'm used to it, but he was just going overboard. I started limiting my time with him and he has since settled down his tone in the past year, which is good for him, because I was close to dumping him forever.

So I can relate.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Maybe don't delete all of them then. Only delete the ones that don't contribute at all. It's your call.


Because of what your friend would say? Don't let anyone hold you back, bud!


I currently have one friend who was like this. Known him for about 9 years. He's usually cool with me, but he acts like a little jerk sometimes and embarrasses his friends in public with his rude behavior. He's also been rude with my girlfriends, and like your friend might say, he always dismissed it as us being too "sensitive."

Now, being a New Yorker with older brothers, I can take and give teasing with no problem. I'm used to it, but he was just going overboard. I started limiting my time with him and he has since settled down his tone in the past year, which is good for him, because I was close to dumping him forever.

So I can relate.

You're absolutely right. I can not even take my girlfriend to see him and his wife because he tries to get her attention and if she doesn't he tries to control her by being condescending towards her as well.
He's not an easy one to let go off though. But at least I'm on the right path...
Thanks

[Daffy Duck]

Sometimes friends are like dogs. You have to train them to be good!

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Sometimes friends are like dogs. You have to train them to be good!

hehehe but I've never even trained a dog

[ricky]

Another reason I've been hesitant is because he's been there whenever I had needed help. When I was down financially he would lend me money without any problem. He was always there to help me whenever I was down emotionally as well.
Only thing is whenever I told him something when I was down emotionally, he would save it and use it against me later on... hmm...
and when in public, he would actually make remarks like "I wonder how people can wear stuff from goodwill stores.." and then he would look at me (I used to shop there when the times were tough).. hmm...
Him being condescending towards me, he explains by saying that since he's a true and real friend he tells me straight, as is, whenever I've tried to talk to him about his behaviour.
Now, the more I think about it more I realize how he's not a true friend..
By posting here is helping me clear up things in my mind as well.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Hi Ricky, this is what I would do.

1. Delete all of his posts from your blogs.
2. Then delete that piece of trash from your life completely.

I've had to get rid of negative people in my life too. It's not always easy, especially when you once considered them a close friend.

Your friend is not acting like a friend, from what I hear. He's acting like an enemy. If you don't want enemies, remove him. Tell him he's not allowed to associate with you until he can be positive.

Let me tell you, it's so nice to not allow people to be rude to you. And it's often a good wake up call for the other person.

Good luck! And congrats on the popularity of your blog.

P.S. I checked out your blog and can't seem to find any of his comments, unless he's CP? CP comes across as a little rude but he also apologizes for it.

Hi Daffy Duck,
Yep that's him. After few of his comments I checked "wait for approval" in comments so I've got a few more of his comments that I have not yet approved where he gets quite a bit more condescending.
Problem is that I know him and why he's doing this.
Like I mentioned if it was anyone else I would actually enjoy having a conversation but he's not interested in that.

[codenamesmiley]

AH HAH!! The ole financial power trip. He feels he has purchased the right to control you, your thoughts and actions. Have you ever set boundaries with this person, so that he knows exactly where you draw the line, and when he is about to cross it? If you haven't...shame on you..not him. It is time to make it abundantly clear, where that line is drawn and the repercussions of crossing it.

You don't need to train a dog...you have to show his MASTER where he is a bad dog, and let his MASTER handle it. (after all..do you punish your neigbors dog for coming into your yard and tearing up your trash or digging holes? NO, you tell his MASTER, and let them control their dogs actions and keep them in their own yard. )

Perhaps if his wife is aware of his antics in trying to soak up attention from YOUR girlfriend, will be all that you need to keep him more occupied in dealing with a pissed off jealous wife...he won't have TIME to follow you around, prodding and poking negativity into your life. He will have enough of his own problems, to keep him steppin and fetchin.

I also agree, that you should delete anything on your blogs, that do not contribute to the self-improvement that you have set out to show the world. If it even helps ONE person, or makes a difference in their life..it has been worth ALL of the effort!

Perhaps showing your fellow bloggers lessons in "healthy skepticism" and using him as an example of extreme skepticism, will encourage him to leave your blogs and stop after everyone ELSE makes it clear to him that he is crossing the line.

He can actually be an effective tool, in teaching others things like acceptance and forgiveness. Also posting something like "If you will forgive me for not entertaining that notion and answering that question, I will forgive you for planting it there and picking it apart." Then, I would add a note explaining that man behind the curtain is indeed NOT the great and powerful Wizard of Oz.

Don't forget to use "tact". (My father's definition of tact was....telling someone to go to Hell and have them looking forward to the trip.)

Blessings,
Rebecca

[Desmond]

I would advise against deleting his comments.

Look at it from a point of view if you DIDN'T know him. If he was just another random commenter on your blog. Don't look at it and see the negativly in his posts, because other people don't see it.

Coming from first impressions, he doesn't seem like a bad person, but then again I know people like him (although less intelligent) and I know what it feels to be put down by them, or when other people say stuff that are meant to be directly negative, but what to do about that is up to you.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by codenamesmiley

do you punish your neigbors dog for coming into your yard and tearing up your trash or digging holes?

Yes. They get a water hose shot at their face!

My father's definition of tact was....telling someone to go to Hell and have them looking forward to the trip.

I like that!

[ChrisN]

Is it possible he is visiting your blog because he likes the content but wont let you know that because that would wreck the image he has portrayed for many years, that he doesn't need help from people and their experiences???

BTW, i have a friend just like that so i wont say the name bcause he may find this post :S then im toast :P

[rawxstasy]

I love your blog. It's really interesting and the layout is great. From reading his comments, this guy sounds like a jackass. I think you should remove him from your life. My mother also thought because she "helped" me financially that meant she could treat me anyway she damn well pleased. She found out otherwise.....

I had a good laugh at this.... and he didn't get it!!

CP says:
July 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I assume you just mean that they were taking advantage of you, that just means you need to weed out your ‘friends’.

Ricky says:
July 15, 2009 at 8:22 am
Friends are already being weeded out.

[Kaybee]

Ricky,

I think you are on the right track to cut negative people from your life. Usually, people who are 'know it alls' have their own set of issues. I bet your friend my be a little envious of you? After all, you are taking positive steps to improve your life - their is absolutely nothing bad about that--especially when you can learn and grow from your mistakes.

I agree that you should delete his comments from your Blog and ban him so that he cannot make future comments. Will he be upset? He sure will, but a friend doesn't knock a friend who is trying to better himself - so good riddance.

Kim
Self Improvement and Motivation
Fuel-My-Motivation.com

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by ricky

Previously I was seeking his approval so I clung to him. For the past few years I have deliberately started cutting my ties with negative people and especially people who constantly judge and correct me.
He's the ultimate when it comes to judging people and putting them down for having a different opinion or different beliefs than him.

He is a negative person, he is no friend, so I would get ridd.
This I see is a good thing to do in your PD work. Just for get about the 20 year history unless you want it to be another 20 years.

Keep his posts don't delete them as you can learn from this experience. Others who read it may just see him on a power trip and not take any notice. You can look back in time to come and just feel good about the way you handled the situation.

Good luck

[ricky]

Hi everyone,
I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to my question.
And thank you so much Rebecca for commenting on my blog as well.
It was very very hard for me to see the situation I was in. He is actually very good at a lot of things. He used to create different personalities to pick up different girls. So, different names, different stories, 4-5 girlfriends at any given time while being engaged to his wife now.
So, within a few minutes of talking to a person he can determine which personality to create to manipulate the other person.
When I went away from his life and stopped seeking his approval he became extremely nice to me for years. And I fell for it once again thinking that he had changed.
Even arguing with my girlfriend about him. She's the reason I actually saw him for who he was in the first place. But then I told her that he had changed but she didn't believe it.
In university I found out later that he had put a virus in my account that was sending all my personal information to him and he had total access to my account.
Anyhow despite all this I forgave him. Recently I took my girlfriend to meet his wife and kid and that's where he started acting like a jerk.
He believes that women should be staying home and cooking cleaning. So, he started ordering my girlfriend around too.
And now this started...
I was so caught up in this because he would make me believe that I was just weak that's why these things were getting to me.
That's why I am thankful again for everyone on this forum for their advice.
I have worked hard to get out of depression, out of being suicidal and financially completely broke. And I thought my story might actually be helpful to someone. That's why I started my blog.
Thank you all

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by ricky

In university I found out later that he had put a virus in my account that was sending all my personal information to him and he had total access to my account.

What a total control freak!

Well done for working hard to get out of depression, out of being suicidal. I know myself it was hard work when I went through the same thing.

Good luck with your blog

[Daffy Duck]

Wow. Just wow. He sounds like a guy with a lot of issues.

You mentioned how he became nicer when you limited your time with him. That sounds like my friend that I mentioned before. I'm going to make sure I stay aware of this, so I don't fall back into a similar situation. Thanks for the reminder!

Ricky, congrats to you for pulling yourself out of depression, and congrats to you for looking at this situation and being honest with yourself. You should be proud, man. Pat yourself on the back. I know all of that is not easy.

[codenamesmiley]

Ricky,

Does this friend know that you are aware of his presence in your blog? Are you positive that this is, who you think it is?

Also, You have done a wonderful job in your blog and I think that you should be proud of it. I think that is what bothers your friend the most....the control thing. He was able to control every aspect of your life, if he so chose...because taking control is his comfort zone. When you delve inside of your own mind to figure things out...things that he will never personally experience unless you personally invite him to sit and hear about it, he has no control over your thoughts. It is understandable why he is threatened. He probably never met anyone that could control all of their own thoughts, and refuse to feed off of the ones he tries to implant, for his own benefit.

I think that if you don't want any more hassle, and you really think this man is that controlling or attempting to control you in some way, what better way to allow him to exhaust himself and give up...than to let him continue to find himself not effecting you.

Affirmation? "His words do not effect me". Know it. Use it. Love it.
I know people like this guy. I don't like bullies.

After reading more of his words, I would like to retract my advice about telling his "master" aka wife...to handle him. I am sure that poor woman deals with enough, without another debate with THAT man.

You have come so far. Keep up the great work!

Blessings,
Rebecca

[Brutha]

I was so caught up in this because he would make me believe that I was just weak that's why these things were getting to me.

You are weak if you let him run your life.
Being strong means standing up for yourself.
Simply delete his comments.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Brutha

You are weak if you let him run your life.
Being strong means standing up for yourself.
Simply delete his comments.

Thanks Brutha, yep so true. Sometimes we just need a reminder that what we're doing and feeling is right and a friendly push. :-)

[ricky]

Originally Posted by codenamesmiley

Ricky,

Does this friend know that you are aware of his presence in your blog? Are you positive that this is, who you think it is?

Also, You have done a wonderful job in your blog and I think that you should be proud of it. I think that is what bothers your friend the most....the control thing. He was able to control every aspect of your life, if he so chose...because taking control is his comfort zone. When you delve inside of your own mind to figure things out...things that he will never personally experience unless you personally invite him to sit and hear about it, he has no control over your thoughts. It is understandable why he is threatened. He probably never met anyone that could control all of their own thoughts, and refuse to feed off of the ones he tries to implant, for his own benefit.

I think that if you don't want any more hassle, and you really think this man is that controlling or attempting to control you in some way, what better way to allow him to exhaust himself and give up...than to let him continue to find himself not effecting you.

Affirmation? "His words do not effect me". Know it. Use it. Love it.
I know people like this guy. I don't like bullies.

After reading more of his words, I would like to retract my advice about telling his "master" aka wife...to handle him. I am sure that poor woman deals with enough, without another debate with THAT man.

You have come so far. Keep up the great work!

Blessings,
Rebecca

Thanks Rebecca,
Yep I know for sure it's him. First of all it's his initials. And recently he's been talking to me about my blog and how what I'm writing is wrong. And yesterday evening I got text message from him asking me to call him but I said I was busy then this is what he texted me:
"Damnit! I should have known you'd reject me! How could I be so stupid!! You're a busy man! And now I feel so vulnerable! ♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥!!
then
"Do you really need to put me down and call me names like that when you see that I'm vulnerable and in pain?"
Mind you, I did nothing of the sort and he was just mocking me.
On top of that when I check the stats I can see someone from his neighbourhood checking my blog :-)
And I know the way he talks and uses arguments and the comments match his style 100%. Especially the one about spelling and grammar.
I think you and others who've mentioned are right in that "it's a control thing." He's losing control over me.
And I apologize for his rude and personal comments towards you.
Thanks again

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Wow. Just wow. He sounds like a guy with a lot of issues.

You mentioned how he became nicer when you limited your time with him. That sounds like my friend that I mentioned before. I'm going to make sure I stay aware of this, so I don't fall back into a similar situation. Thanks for the reminder!

Ricky, congrats to you for pulling yourself out of depression, and congrats to you for looking at this situation and being honest with yourself. You should be proud, man. Pat yourself on the back. I know all of that is not easy.

Thanks Daffy Duck. It really helped listening to everyone here. It clarified a lot in my mind.
Put it simply, if it doesn't feel good is probably a good indication that it's not good for us. :-)

[Daffy Duck]

If someone sent me a text like that, depending on who they were, I'd probably reply with "Grow up." and never talk to them again without an apology. I admittedly have a low tolerance for children over the age of 18.

Originally Posted by ricky

Put it simply, if it doesn't feel good is probably a good indication that it's not good for us. :-)

Indeed, I agree. There are some exceptions. Being pushed out of our comfort zone doesn't always feel "good" but it's definitely worth it.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

What a total control freak!

Well done for working hard to get out of depression, out of being suicidal. I know myself it was hard work when I went through the same thing.

Good luck with your blog

Really? You also went through it? And you pulled through as well? That's awesome! Do you mind sharing how you did it?
It is quite possible to get out of depression. Having good friends really really help. Most friends only mocked at me when I was down.
For me it was my girlfriend who stood by me no matter what happened and also my willingness to get out of it. :-)

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Kaybee

Ricky,

I think you are on the right track to cut negative people from your life. Usually, people who are 'know it alls' have their own set of issues. I bet your friend my be a little envious of you? After all, you are taking positive steps to improve your life - their is absolutely nothing bad about that--especially when you can learn and grow from your mistakes.

I agree that you should delete his comments from your Blog and ban him so that he cannot make future comments. Will he be upset? He sure will, but a friend doesn't knock a friend who is trying to better himself - so good riddance.

Kim
Self Improvement and Motivation
Fuel-My-Motivation.com

You're right. That's what I'm learning now. A friend would support another friend.
This person has his own company so I was thinking about what he's doing with blog is similar to me going in the middle of his presentations to CEOs of company and start bad mouthing him and start challenging him. What kind of a friend would I be then?

[ricky]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I love your blog. It's really interesting and the layout is great. From reading his comments, this guy sounds like a jackass. I think you should remove him from your life. My mother also thought because she "helped" me financially that meant she could treat me anyway she damn well pleased. She found out otherwise.....

I had a good laugh at this.... and he didn't get it!!

CP says:
July 14, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I assume you just mean that they were taking advantage of you, that just means you need to weed out your ‘friends’.

Ricky says:
July 15, 2009 at 8:22 am
Friends are already being weeded out.

Thanks. I have other friends who actually helped me financially as well but they never brought that up ever again. But this friend held that over me and would use it whenever he saw the need to "put me in my place". Meaning if a group of people were paying more attention to me than him, that would be one place to bring it up. ahh well...
hehehe yep, I put that comment and was surprised he didn't get it! :-)