Friend coming to my blog and criticizing me and my readers-should I let him?

[ricky]

Originally Posted by ChrisN

Is it possible he is visiting your blog because he likes the content but wont let you know that because that would wreck the image he has portrayed for many years, that he doesn't need help from people and their experiences???

BTW, i have a friend just like that so i wont say the name bcause he may find this post :S then im toast :P

You're right, it's quite possible. All I know is that whenever I'm with him or even talk to him I get really tense and am taken back to 10 years ago and everything that I've worked hard just seems to go down the drain. I feel emotionally drained and like a failure again.
But the difference now is that I'm able to get myself out of that state fairly quickly.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Desmond

I would advise against deleting his comments.

Look at it from a point of view if you DIDN'T know him. If he was just another random commenter on your blog. Don't look at it and see the negativly in his posts, because other people don't see it.

Coming from first impressions, he doesn't seem like a bad person, but then again I know people like him (although less intelligent) and I know what it feels to be put down by them, or when other people say stuff that are meant to be directly negative, but what to do about that is up to you.

Yeah I decided to leave his comments on my blog. But he started to get really personal towards Rebecca now since she posted her comment there as well so any more comments from him I will be deleting.

He is quite intelligent in an academic sort of way but if only he could use for good instead of evil!

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

If someone sent me a text like that, depending on who they were, I'd probably reply with "Grow up." and never talk to them again without an apology. I admittedly have a low tolerance for children over the age of 18.


Indeed, I agree. There are some exceptions. Being pushed out of our comfort zone doesn't always feel "good" but it's definitely worth it.

True about being pushed out of a comfort zone. That's actually positive. When I try to push myself out of a comfort zone I feel a different type of a feeling. Stress but also a little excitement. What if I actually make it? That'll be so exciting! and so on...
Like I mentioned when I'm with him I feel like a failure. That I need him to save me and help me out. I can't even make any simple decision without him etc..

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by ricky

When I try to push myself out of a comfort zone I feel a different type of a feeling. Stress but also a little excitement. What if I actually make it? That'll be so exciting! and so on...

Me too. I'm happy to report that over the years I've become more comfortable with being uncomfortable, but it can still be a challenge sometimes for me.

[rawxstasy]

Wow, this guy is something else. It sounds like he has very low self esteem and is insecure, so when he sees you getting more attention than him, he needs to put you down to make himself feel better. I think he's actually very jealous of you and your success on your blog.

I know what you mean by people draining your energy. Take care of yourself and don't allow those people into your life. I was able to overcome depression and congratulations on getting over your depression.

[Angela]

To me it looks like this guy is a golden opportunity for you for big personal growth. You can be grateful to him! He is your soul mate, in a way.

To us, outsiders, it can look incredible that you endured such blatant abuse from him and continued to consider him a friend -- and continued to maintain him in your life. But to you, you have had your reasons all these years for keeping him close to you and continuing to put yourself in a submissive, vulnerable state with him. And now it appears that you are ready to have a big breakthrough -- and it's not just with him; the lesson you learn in this situation will affect your entire life, and all of your relationships, and your relationship with power and effectiveness.

Congratulations!

He sounds toxic and dangerous to me, so I would handle him like a poisonous snake -- firmly and cautiously. Deleting and banning him from your blog and from your social life is one way of handling the situation, and from the sound of him, I suspect that you'll probably be enduring some grief in the process as he strikes out at you. You have been a source of something he thinks he needs for a long, long time, and he probably will not let go of that easily. You might want to think of him as being like an internal Gremlin, like your own negative thoughts, emotions and beliefs. Your inner gremlin doesn't go away just because you "ban" it, and this guy probably won't, either.

It's like how a restraining order can incite an abuser to even further rage and aggression.

So if you choose to go that route, be ready for the strike-back. Change all your computer passwords!

Another way you might want to go, if you are feeling up to it, is being ultra-direct. Be honest with yourself, and take 100% responsibility for having created this situation. (For instance, by engaging and arguing with his trolling on your blog, you helped keep in there, arguing and trolling -- you might want to stop doing that -- with ANY troll.)

Take a bold look at what your own limiting beliefs are that have kept this guy around so long, rampaging and destroying like your own personal Attila the Hun. They probably have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with something that happened way before you even met him, and he was the perfect reactivator for it. Clean up the old limiting beliefs and negative emotions that ride piggyback on them, and then come clean with the guy: "Hey, Carlito, as I start this new phase of my life, I can see that in the past I've done some things that haven't worked well for our friendship, like tolerating certain behaviors that don't have either of us feeling good in the friendship. I'm sorry about that, and you can count on me not to do that anymore. I'm interested only in actions and relationships that move in positive directions, and that's why I'm working on my positivity blog. Right now as I get started, I would like all the support I can get from my friends, because I recognize that blogging means I'll be getting negative feedback left and right. I appreciate your honest feedback on it, but it would work much better for me if you, as my friend, expressed your opinions in a positive, supportive manner in the comments. If you feel I would benefit from less positively-stated remarks, I'd appreciate it if you emailed me privately on them. I'm learning to handle negative feedback from the blogosphere, and it would help me a lot to feel like my friends, even while expressing dissenting opinions, are basically on my side -- allies. Is that something you're willing to be for me?"

And if he comes back with ridicule or attack or anything other than consideration for your politely expressed request, DTMFA. Nuke and ban without mercy.

Your well-being is the most important thing.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Me too. I'm happy to report that over the years I've become more comfortable with being uncomfortable, but it can still be a challenge sometimes for me.

Yep, I think it's in the way we perceive our comfort zones as well.
If we recognize that there is a thing called comfort zone and see it as something positive then we actually look forward to stretching ourselves but if we don't even know there is such a thing then it causes a lot of stress.
I'm glad that we have internet and we are able to associate with like-minded people from all over the world. This way we can all help each other grow.
This is what I'd imagine Napoleon Hill meant in his book Think and grow rich as "the mastermind group" :-)

[ricky]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

Wow, this guy is something else. It sounds like he has very low self esteem and is insecure, so when he sees you getting more attention than him, he needs to put you down to make himself feel better. I think he's actually very jealous of you and your success on your blog.

I know what you mean by people draining your energy. Take care of yourself and don't allow those people into your life. I was able to overcome depression and congratulations on getting over your depression.

Thanks :-)

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Angela

To me it looks like this guy is a golden opportunity for you for big personal growth. You can be grateful to him! He is your soul mate, in a way.

To us, outsiders, it can look incredible that you endured such blatant abuse from him and continued to consider him a friend -- and continued to maintain him in your life. But to you, you have had your reasons all these years for keeping him close to you and continuing to put yourself in a submissive, vulnerable state with him. And now it appears that you are ready to have a big breakthrough -- and it's not just with him; the lesson you learn in this situation will affect your entire life, and all of your relationships, and your relationship with power and effectiveness.

Congratulations!

He sounds toxic and dangerous to me, so I would handle him like a poisonous snake -- firmly and cautiously. Deleting and banning him from your blog and from your social life is one way of handling the situation, and from the sound of him, I suspect that you'll probably be enduring some grief in the process as he strikes out at you. You have been a source of something he thinks he needs for a long, long time, and he probably will not let go of that easily. You might want to think of him as being like an internal Gremlin, like your own negative thoughts, emotions and beliefs. Your inner gremlin doesn't go away just because you "ban" it, and this guy probably won't, either.

It's like how a restraining order can incite an abuser to even further rage and aggression.

So if you choose to go that route, be ready for the strike-back. Change all your computer passwords!

Another way you might want to go, if you are feeling up to it, is being ultra-direct. Be honest with yourself, and take 100% responsibility for having created this situation. (For instance, by engaging and arguing with his trolling on your blog, you helped keep in there, arguing and trolling -- you might want to stop doing that -- with ANY troll.)

Take a bold look at what your own limiting beliefs are that have kept this guy around so long, rampaging and destroying like your own personal Attila the Hun. They probably have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with something that happened way before you even met him, and he was the perfect reactivator for it. Clean up the old limiting beliefs and negative emotions that ride piggyback on them, and then come clean with the guy: "Hey, Carlito, as I start this new phase of my life, I can see that in the past I've done some things that haven't worked well for our friendship, like tolerating certain behaviors that don't have either of us feeling good in the friendship. I'm sorry about that, and you can count on me not to do that anymore. I'm interested only in actions and relationships that move in positive directions, and that's why I'm working on my positivity blog. Right now as I get started, I would like all the support I can get from my friends, because I recognize that blogging means I'll be getting negative feedback left and right. I appreciate your honest feedback on it, but it would work much better for me if you, as my friend, expressed your opinions in a positive, supportive manner in the comments. If you feel I would benefit from less positively-stated remarks, I'd appreciate it if you emailed me privately on them. I'm learning to handle negative feedback from the blogosphere, and it would help me a lot to feel like my friends, even while expressing dissenting opinions, are basically on my side -- allies. Is that something you're willing to be for me?"

And if he comes back with ridicule or attack or anything other than consideration for your politely expressed request, DTMFA. Nuke and ban without mercy.

Your well-being is the most important thing.

Wow. That's soooo good that I feel like just copying and pasting it in an email to him. Or memorize it and repeat it word for word to him. Even "Carlito" :-)
I have thought about this phase of my life as well. There is a reason he's in my life. I have attracted him in my life. Just like I'm attracting more positive people in my life right now, there is a part of me that keeps him in my life as well.
I have come to learn that every thing in our life is our own responsibility. Mind gets fogged when it comes to friends and that's why with everyone's support here I was able to see things more clearly.
Why is he in my life? Maybe I still seek approval from people? I know this belief came from my early childhood.
I come from a background where it was pretty common for the parents to beat their children. Not just parents but teachers, neighbours and just about anyone if they thought you were not doing something properly or behaving inappropriately. And not just slaps but beaten with sticks, rulers, cricket bats, and sometimes with 2 by 4s. But that's the way everyone was at that time and it's not their fault. That's just what they had been conditioned to believe.
But that's how I learned to seek approval. To avoid being beaten. And I think that belief is still ingrained in me quite deeply.
I am hoping by associating with more positive people it helps me out and I can see that it has already starting to help out.
But you're also right in saying that more we engage in arguments about something, more power we give it and more it stays in our life and more of it we attract in our lives.

[codenamesmiley]

Hi Ricky,

I am not bothered one bit by his lashing at me at your blog. There are two reasons why I put myself out there and welcomed that behavior out of him.

First and foremost..to pull his intent from attacking you, to attacking me. I have nothing personal to lose and everything to gain from your blog. This is your "works" and he became distracted from sabotaging you and more focused on arguing with me...and that dissolved his original intent. He KNOWS he would appear really immature and controlling if he goes back now, and begins with his original behavior. Everything he ever preached to you about, would seem to be hogwash if he returns now to pick up where he left off with you.

Also, it forced you to get more aggressive in controlling YOUR BLOG. Insted of sitting there feeling helpless about things, you realized that YES...YOU CAN manage YOUR BLOG, YOUR WAY. That in itself had to be fulfilling to some degree. (and look..the earth did NOT open up and SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, for doing so..did it?)

Most importantly, You realized that you have alot of support within your blog and I think that the little spatting that went on between he and myself, added a little deeper element to the overall discussion. WIN/WIN for EVERYONE!!!

I admit, it may have been a little wrong, to come in, banter, upset, and poke at your friend, but ultimately....my objective was met. My intent was to hit a nerve with him. It is obvious from his responses, that I did just that.
Now his itty bitty feeling is hurt. It is NOT your job to comfort that, so just know that he now feels what most people that encounter him, are left feeling. Let him marinate in it for a while. Perhaps your self-improvement blog will serve your friend better than you or he...ever realized it could!!AMEN!!

I apologize for any stress it may have caused you at first. I am sure this blog of yours will be a big success. It seems to have smoothed out of the "turbulence"phase and on to constructive blogging.

Let me know if there is ever anything I can do to be of help, on your journey.

Blessings,
Rebecca

[ricky]

Hi Rebecca,
You seem to have a lot of wisdom when it comes to dealing with people. Very impressive.
You are absolutely correct. When he had started insulting you he actually started saying good things about me and Keith. Amazing how we were so bad and all of a sudden turned good because now you were the bad one.
And I did learn a lot from this experience. You're right again in the sense that it made me really value my feelings regarding my blog.
I realized that I could actually stop him since it was my own blog so if I wished I could just delete his comments!
I also realized that there is something in me that keeps attracting him and others like him in my life. There seems to be a need in me to be around people like these. It has gone down but not totally eliminated. That's something I plan to deal with as well.
Thank you again sooooooo much for your support and if you ever need my help with anything, please do not hesitate

[Inspirations]

Ricky,

What a wonderful opportunity your 'friend' gives you, to heal a wonderful topic in your life.

As you say, this experience raises many issues, and implications on your happiness, what you think of your self and your whole life.

You could just delete the posts and this person from your life, but one day this situation will be repeated - just like it has in the past.

[ricky]

@Inspirations
After I started seeing things more clearly, with the help of everyone here, I actually saw the good in this situation and an opportunity.
I had thought I had dealt with this limiting belief of seeking approval from friends/people like these but apparently I hadn't.
If I don't then it'll keep repeating for sure for the rest of my life and right now it affects me and my relationship with my girlfriend but later on it'll actually affect my relationship with my wife and my kids.
So, back to the drawing room

[Armen]

I like the responses here. Dealing with people who are out of line quickly and determinedly solves a problem before it is a problem. The control we have over our sites is something we must continually recognize.

[ricky]

@Armen - yep these are our blogs. Whole point of blogging is that it feels good to do it. It's something that bring me joy and happiness. And I'd like it to remain like that

[codenamesmiley]

And I apologize for his rude and personal comments towards you.
Thanks again

Ricky, I went there in support for you. I learned a few things. You have a great site happening there.

In support and as a friend, I am going to recommend that be the very last time that you allow yourself to apologize for that man's actions. He was rude, because I asked for it. His focus went to me, and that derailed his whole intent to bust you in the chops. In that short time he focused on me, he lost momentum on his original intent in his left turn and you gained a slew of support and validation. He became the "example" for a minute.

Blessings,
Rebecca

[Acting Like Godot]

Based on what you said about your friend here, I don't even know why you regard him as your friend.

Maybe there are good things about him which you have not mentioned. But based on the bad things you've mentioned, basically this is not the sort of person I would permit in my life.

[Aleksander Krstic]

Originally Posted by Brutha

You are weak if you let him run your life.
Being strong means standing up for yourself.
Simply delete his comments.

qft

[ricky]

@Rebecca - Thanks. I appreciated your support. I had no idea how this would affect me but I had gotten quite discouraged about my blog in the past few days. Instead of writing posts from my heart I started thinking of "what if he starts bashing me again?" and "maybe I should only write about so and so..." etc.
But I felt great after everyone's support and started writing again. Now I'm back to my usual self

@Acting Like Godot - Yeah, it seems such a clear case when you view it from the outside. I'd known him for over 20 years so a lot of history was there + I was involved in it so it was hard for me to see it objectively.
He supported me financially and emotionally whenever I needed support so he was there for me in that sense.
Only thing I always over looked was how he used my situation to humiliate me in front of others. Whenever he helped me he would remember it and then use it later on.
Again I thought I was feeling what I was feeling because, as he put it, I was just "too sensitive."
When I met my gf, I sort of got away from him, started spending less and less time with him, then he became nice towards me. So, I thought that he had changed for good so I was on good terms with him again.
It's only recently he started showing that side of him once again. So, that's where we are at the present...
What I've told on this forum about him is only tip of the iceberg. He's done a lot more negative things in my life to harm me, my family and my other friends and trying to manipulate and control them but I always forgave him because of our history. I always thought friends that we've known from our childhood we should stick to.
But now it's different and I'm already taking action towards slowly cutting it off with him.
Thanks to everyone here

[Daffy Duck]

I'm proud of ya, Ricky.

[ricky]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I'm proud of ya, Ricky.

Thanks Daffy Duck. It's all because of everyone here otherwise I felt I was going back into depression.
Thanks again

[Ben1]

Originally Posted by ricky

You're right, it's quite possible. All I know is that whenever I'm with him or even talk to him I get really tense and am taken back to 10 years ago and everything that I've worked hard just seems to go down the drain. I feel emotionally drained and like a failure again.

It sounds like an energy vampire has attached himself to you and is draining you.

You don't have to put up with toxic people and energy vampires. Don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself. You can tell them to back off or set boundaries to keep them out of your life. If they are really persistent you may just have to stay away from them.

Deleting the comments sounds reasonable to me. It is your blog. If he is being obnoxious then delete the comments.

[ricky]

@Ben1 - That's quite interesting. I'm going to go through your article. Thanks

[ricky]

Update:
He's been posting a lot of insulting and abusive comments on my blog but I haven't been posting them. I tried blocking him, identify his comments as spam, but he's using different ip addresses to get through.
I just found out that he's been also harassing some people who regularly comment on my blog via email.
If anyone here rec'd anything from him, I apologize.
I had decided to just end my friendship with him. I even removed him from my facebook friends list.

[babuji]

Good for you Ricky!!

Sometimes it's the people closest to us that try to bring us down for whatever their intentions are.

I'm glad you decided to end your friendship with him.. but also let him know upfront, that you don't appreciate his negativity and that you've decided to end the friendship..

Don't apologize for anything..

We can only do so much to sustain a friendship.. but as with any friendship, 'It takes two to Tango'.. :-)

[ricky]

Originally Posted by babuji

Good for you Ricky!!

Sometimes it's the people closest to us that try to bring us down for whatever their intentions are.

I'm glad you decided to end your friendship with him.. but also let him know upfront, that you don't appreciate his negativity and that you've decided to end the friendship..

Don't apologize for anything..

We can only do so much to sustain a friendship.. but as with any friendship, 'It takes two to Tango'.. :-)

That's for sure. :-)
Interesting thing is that I've been feeling a lot better ever since I've decided to cut him out of my life. Literally, on a daily basis I feel better.
Because of this experience I've slowly stopped doing other things that I wasn't feeling good about either.
And I realized how many compromises I was making daily and for years! So, now if something doesn't feel good I don't do it. At least I'm trying not to do it. Just with that decision alone a lot of weight seemed to have shifted off me. :-)