How long does it take to fully let go?

[Ekb]

Just want to know others stories and advice on this topic - Exes! We broke up over 2 years ago, and I was in another relationship shortly after and now have a beautiful baby and boyfriend, how long does it take to fully let go of the way he treated me? I suppose I understand that it must've been at least partially my fault, and though i feel a lot better than I used too about it, I still feel slightly sour about the whole thing. How does one justify wasted time and bitter memories?

[Lantana]

It's very hard to let go of a very bad memory and the bitterness is impossible to consciously release. when i think of times when I just could not let go of a past miserable experience of relationship, really the only thing that helped was the passing of time, new experiences and people entering into your life. it really is true often, that time heals a lot of ills.

there may be something about that past experience that you feel some sense of guilt or responsibility that you haven't faced? sometimes, that will keep an experience haunting you. at those times, what i do is sit and have a real good, honest talk with myself. i try to face everything that I feel responsible for, take that responsibility and say, "I'm done, there's nothing else I can about it". I try to learn whatever i can learn about the situation, the other person, and most importantly - myself. i try to forgive myself for anything that i feel i did wrong to myself or anyone else. it seems after doing all this, a big chunk of the heaviness dissipates. that doesn't mean that it never re-enters my consciousness again, but it's easier to dismiss.

there will be some point in your life when you will suddenly notice how little that experience comes back to you. time really does many things to heal a broken heart or a tragic circumstance.

i don't know if ANY of this applies to your situation. just telling you what helps for me. i wish you well.

[blossom]

Hi, I am new here. and whilst I didn't start this thread I wanted to thank you Lantana for your words as they have helped me in my own plight to release bitterness.
I don't want to be bitter and twisted over the past, and I realise that forgiveness is the way to go...and all that is terribly easy to tell someone and feel like you are helping them, but, in practise, it's all a process and it can take so long to overcome and forgive. Forgiveness is a process...it's not just a matter of saying " I forgive you" and all is forgotten and good again...it DOES come back, and it does linger in a persons consciousness, and I think the good that comes from bad experiences and memories of the past can be a persons own understanding of that process, so they are in a better position to say something to someone else in the same position, and be more understanding and helpful than just merely telling someone to "get over it" or "forgive them...life's too short!" or some other unhelpful and cliched remark.
It's always great to read a thoughtful approach to a dilemma, that retains a persons dignity and doesn't make them feel bad about not being able to let go of something that caused them pain.

[Mynder]

How does one justify wasted time and bitter memories?

Perhaps you can be thankful about it in a way that after the darkness you can now appreciate the light in a much stronger way than without these experiences?

[Grey]

Coincidently, I had a dream about my ex last night, I assure you I've been in a foul mood all day: a typical Romanticised X rated idealised dream.

I've learned everything I feel I've needed, it is very much in the past. I agree with Freud's view of dreams as the window into our subconscious. Truth is I want to be in love again. I'm solid, I know where I am and where I want to be and I'm happy. I do not need a woman to love me for me to be happy. I know this, I know it for a fact and I feel it to be true. I'm living my life much more fully than before, and I do not want her back.

I still dream.

The tidal flow of emotion that we call love is so hard to let go, because those peaks and troughs make us feel alive.

Don't see it as a task, or a goal. Simply know you are still sailing, with new places to discover, new storms to brave and a horizon to aim for.

[Echo xing]

im afraid i can never let it go.
time does heal a broken heart..but it's broken.anything in the world,after it's broken..will u be able to make it back to the way of how it looks,even if u can it still has flaws right?

[Mynder]

even if u can it still has flaws right?

Not at all. If you can imagine it healing completely, then it can heal completely. You are the only thing limiting yourself.

[BlackFalcon]

It takes a lot of time, I'm in to this stuff already for 20 months, and yet
the demons come up from time to time.

[Mynder]

Originally Posted by BlackFalcon

It takes a lot of time, I'm in to this stuff already for 20 months, and yet
the demons come up from time to time.

It takes a lot of time, I'm in to this stuff already for 20 years, and yet
the demons come up from time to time.

But I have come to know them better, and am positive about reaching a kind of break-through through continuing on my path.

[Armen]

Here is the way to think about it. The bad feelings will go away quicker than you can imagine. Time flies and so spending time thinking about when they will go away is not useful. The times of hardship are the best times to become productive individuals, because you can then use the "slowly passing period of pain" to get lots of things done. Time can't go both slowly and quickly at the same time, so in effect, your productivity cancels out any feelings that pain will be long-lasting.

[Pleiadianlove]

Read a book called " The Break Through Experience " by Dr. John F. Demartini.

This book truly helped me transform my sadness, anger, bitterness and resentment about my past relationships and traumatic experiences into gratitude.

We attract what we need to learn. Greater the challenge, greater the reward. Think how much you've grown because of your experiences. Letting go is not only benefit others but mainly for YOU.

Remember, every time you think of the injustice you've experienced and feel terrible, you are attracting more of the same experience to you.

[Onmyway]

I think it all depends on the way you lost it.
If two people look at each other and say "This isn't working" than letting go is as simple as packing a toothbrush.
But if there is no body to be found, letting go is futile.
I had a partner disappear without a phone call, no notification, no condemned or eviction notice on the door. Then nine years later shows up on my new and improved life and that's when all hell broke loose.
I do believe there should be a body, a last word and a damned good fight to really let go. Mind you the body's should both be breathing after the dust settles and the locks are changed.

[Andyee]

it could take forever, but you have to learn to with it...

[cookiebunnie]

Originally Posted by BlackFalcon

It takes a lot of time, I'm in to this stuff already for 20 months, and yet
the demons come up from time to time.

--- it has been 4 years for me...and I thought I made it through but no. I had the privilege of seeing him kissing his girlfriend few days ago due to an unexpected event, thanks to a mutual friend...it still hurts like mad..Maybe because I felt like a loser without someone to love me..

It just seems unfair that a person who had wasted 8years of my life by pretending to love me, while having affairs with his married co-worker could be blissfully in a relationship now, while I tried to heal my wounds by searching within myself for answers to what went wrong, how I could have been responsible for my own demise - I thought I got stronger. But still I failed after another disappointing attempt to start a relationship that lasted for only 2mths.

Now I'm back searching for answers, my purpose in life, my career choices and ask myself what do I really want. Its a never-ending phase; the search for answers to gain inner peace and strength. I thought I made it, then I failed again. But doesn't it signal that something is wrong if it doesn't heal even after 4 years? What am I doing wrong, why is it I can't heal completely?

I had seek solitude to love myself before I can love others, but it did not work. Yes, I love myself and got strong, I thought I knew what I wanted and pursued it then I realized that I've chose the wrong career. Right now, I'm at the point where I' want to build my career base on something that fires me..and I'm basically lost..and I have to see my ex with another girl just as my life is falling apart for the second time..nicee..

Its going to take a miracle for me to not end up smashing the both of their head against the wall out of anger, jealousy..what ever you wanna call it. But I can't sleep now, think I'm going crazy.

Just thought about it again...no one could say they have completely heal - until they've seen their ex-bg/gf/spouse happy with another person during the lowest point in their own life and manage walk out of that situation without any bit of emotional breakdown.