lost my best friend who was my whole family

[norbert]

This post is quite unusual because I used to give advice in these forums instead of asking for help. I used to be very conscious and proactive but now I am the opposite. Unfortunately a tragedy completely changed everything last weekend.

I have lost my mom when I was 9 and my grandma when I was 18. I am 23 now and live without a family. We become friends with my very best friend when I was 15 and he became my new family. I always wanted to have a brother and he was so much like me. 7.5 years went by since we met. He passed away on Saturday in a tragical car accident. He didn't drive the car. There was no reason for him to die. We did everything together in the past years. We planned to spend our next 40 years together (live the next door, travel the world, make music, build businesses, learn, have fun, grow spiritually etc). We've been doing most of these things already and spent 70% of our days with each other.

What's more, we always knew nobody understands us as much as we do (he told me that every single week). He appreciated me being is his life, I was his role model and he was mine. It was such an amazing relationship, something I could never dream of.

Now that he died I just don't know what to do with my life.

I feel that without him on my side (who was always looking up to/following and on the other hand teaching me) I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want those successes. Whatever I do reminds me of him. Why become financially free to have freedom? Who cares about freedom anymore? What to do with my freedom? Why play music to thousands of people alone on stage (we were upcoming djs also)? The only thing that holds me back from suicide is fear. Fear, that if I commit such a thing, I may loose the ability to meet him again when I die (even though I am not religious).

The thing is that I think I do have lots of knowledge in the personal development area, I have read all articles by Steve from the very beginning, I am quite advanced spiritually (Deepak Chopra, etc) but still, I just don't care now.

I do know that I am operating now at the lowest consciousness levels and I should move slowly up to at least courage to live my life constructively. However, I don't even have any desires at this point of my life.

Maybe the most empowering thought that came to my mind is to start focusing on other peoples problems. That lead me to realize that I am afraid nobody needs me now. That's not true of course but in the sense we needed each other, nobody does and probably nobody ever will.

I don't have any idea what kind of help am I looking for, I just wanted to post these thoughts, maybe somebody has something to say to me.

Also, for details, if you are interested, see my blog on the link below.

[Rebecca]

Dear Norbert,

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your dear friend, and the other, more distant losses in your life. As someone who has also experienced a lot of loss and has no remaining members of my family of origin (my mother died when I was 13, my father over 10 years ago, my grandparents are long gone and I have no siblings), I can understand the feelings you're having. I would just gently suggest that this loss is so new and was so totally unexpected that you may very well still be in a kind of emotional shock. Please be compassionate with yourself. I have found that the process of moving on with my own life after the death of someone close to me (I've also lost some close friends, though none at such a tender age as your friend) takes time, and that I need to leave room for grieving, which can last a long time. One thing that has helped me at times is to talk to the person I'm missing or to write to them. Most recently, a dear friend of mine died of cancer, so while her death was expected, it was still very painful for me. I listened to tapes from the Zen Hospice Project. (Zen Hospice Project > Welcome) While the first two tapes in the series are about being with a person who is dying, the last is about grieving. I found them all to be very moving and beautiful.
I wish you peace.
Rebecca

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Norbert, I understand the grief you're going through. And it IS grief. You have just lost your best friend and such a close companion. You will grieve for a while, how long, I don't know, you don't know, but it is a process you must go through before you can make some sense out of it. Your feelings will change over time.

I wish you the deepest sympathy and peace while you come to terms with your loss.

hazel

[norbert]

Rebecca: Thank you very much for taking the time to register so you can post a reply. What you wrote means a lot to me because I know nobody who lost his/her family and I felt nobody really understands my feelings. I felt alone with this. Talking to him did also help. I can't find the tapes you mentioned on that website. Can you help me where to get those? I'm particularly interested in the last one.

Hazel: Thank you for your sympathy. I do understand now that it is grief and (at the moment) I seem like wanting to move on.

I still believe that focusing on others will be what moves me forward but it's hard to do those first steps.

[skinnyninja]

Unbelievable.

I lost my best friend on Sunday. Spoke at his funeral yesterday.

Sorry for your loss. Feel the pain, I guess. All these words on the internet... probably can not lessen your grief.

However: watch for the open door. (one just closed)

[Matthew Shea]

I'm sorry for your tragic loss. It hurts the most when these terrible things happen to such good people. I hope you're able to overcome this tragedy, though, and live the exemplary life you and your friend wished for. Best wishes to you.

[norbert]

skinnyninja: Thanks for your words. I am sorry for your loss and feel with you. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm there.

Matthew: Thank you for your wishes. He was indeed a very good person.

[Rebecca]

Hi Norbert,

The tapes are at
Zen Hospice Project > Purchase Products

They are sold as a set of 3 for $13. There are also segments to listen to on the website, so it will give you a better sense of what they're like. The person speaking is Frank Ostaseski, who founded Zen Hospice. I found what he said very helpful and soothing.

I've found it to be a strange & difficult thing to be without family (I do have some aunts & uncles and cousins--I do not see them frequently but speak to them occasionally by phone), since family is often taken for granted. Like you, my friends became my family. Now I'm 42 and engaged to be married. The losses are still sometimes painful, but I am excited about the new family I am creating.

Wishing you well,
Rebecca

[norbert]

Thank you, Rebecca. I'm trying to get closer to my relatives now. Yesterday I was talking to a friend and realized that creating a family is something that still inspires me (a bit, because it seems to be so far, but you never know...). I wish you all the best with your marriage and if you need somebody to talk to, make sure to remember me and never mind that little age difference.

[Leandro Leme]

norbert,

When we´re feeling this kind of feelings and living this kind of situation, it seems nerver ending because we get stuck in this painful moment. But...it´ll pass. Just know this. I think there are plenty of people here to help, as they can, if you need.
Keep on sailing.

all best,
L

[norbert]

You already did. Thank you so much. I think my feelings have started to change. I'll post about it here later today for those of you who are interested. I have found what's the best I can do in this situation.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Norbert, if you haven't already, you may find it helpful to read the following articles from Steve's blog:

• Recovery
• Recovery Continued
• Dealing With Tragedy and Loss

I was actually going to include those links in a post I'm trying to write for you, but I'm finding it somewhat challenging to write, so I thought I'd post the links up sooner rather then later. As with most of the posts I write, I'm trying to write something with substance -- something that will hopefully assist you (and others in a simular situation) in some way.

Either way, I’m thankful to have encountered something challenging, so I’ll take some time to regather my thoughts and post what I’ve come up with a bit later on. Till then, I do hope you are able to continue to persevere through your current challenge.

[C33]

Your friend will live forever in your memory, your description of him created a vivid,positive image in my mind and heart.

I was glad to read that you feel a bit better and hopefully, you do not think about doing yourself harm. Please take good care of yourself.

Although your friendship was unique and your friend was one of a kind, it doesn t mean you will never be connected to another human being with the same intensity. There is plenty of love and friendship on your path, and being able to attract and keep such a wonderful friend in your life, means that you are able to give and receive a love of a wonderful quality. So you can receive and give love of that magnitude again.

No doubt your friend would want you to live your life to the fullest and to be happy.

Grieving takes a long time, take it easy on yourself.

I wish for you that you will find support in this process, kindness on your path, and that you will gather around you, wonderful people to be your family, and, if this is your wish, create your own in the future.

[norbert]

Bruce:
Thank you. I have read those articles many times. I was stuck at denial (the 1st step) because I didn't want to accept it. Acceptance for me meant to move on, to forget, to find new instead, to ignore, etc. I do know that this is not what Steve meant it to be. Today I have finally found how to accept it in a way that makes the most sense to me. This was the first day since the accident when I felt satisfied with my emotions. I am going to explain it tomorrow because I'm very exhausted at the moment.

I am almost sure I'll be able to move on now but I'm still looking forward to your post.

C33:
Thank you for your supporting words. It didn't occur so directly to me that I've been also a friend in this friendship and that makes a lot of sense. You are right that I'm probably able to attract a similar relationship into my life again but I'm not sure if I want that because I don't want to "replace" him. But it's also true that he'd want me to live my life to the fullest and be happy.

To everybody:
Thank you so much, I appreciate your efforts and precious time very much. I'm gonna send an update tomorrow. Don't think that it took only a half day to change my mind. It took more than 5 with almost no sleep during the nights. But tonight I'm gonna get some good sleep. Thank you.

[norbert]

I posted some updates as promised in my blog (and I'm still going to). Thank you all who helped me. I very appreciate it.

[Andrew Brunelle]

My sympathy goes out to you for your loss. I sure hope everything works out for you and I hope you can get out of the way you're feeling, stricken with grief, but people dying unexpectedly is something that rocks your world, ruffles your mind, and destroys your ambitions. But it happens, and in dealing with this, you will grow. It is something terrible, and you're probably experiencing a lot of pain, and although I have not lost anyone in my familly yet, but I have to prepare for that day, even though I tend to think these people will be around forever. Nothing is permanent. That is something that takes getting used to, and what makes life so precious is it can be taken at any second.

Try to stay grounded and try and get through this. I wish you the best.

[Liara Covert]

Hi Norbert.

I have faith you'll build inner strength and understanding through your own healing process. Below, I share a few insightful quotes for reflection:

"One often calms one's grief by recounting it.” -Pierre Corneille

"We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it.”
-James Barry, creator of Peter Pan

"While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil.”
-John Taylor

"Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not. They're happy as they are.” -Xenophon

[Mann]

Originally Posted by Liara Covert

"We never understand how little we need in this world until we know the loss of it.”
-James Barry, creator of Peter Pan

Thanks for the great quote, Liara.

Norbert, I really feel very sorry for the loss. It's easy for me to say 'try and get through this'... but I know the pain. I wish you all the best.


Mann

[Love]

sends love.

[norbert]

Thank you.

I tend to operate on higher consciousness levels now. Lots of things helped: this forum, Steve's articles, Byron Katie videos, time etc.

Still, I feel so sorry for him not being able to enjoy life anymore (because he did)

[Isis Kali]

*hugs Norbert*

I'm so sorry. You know that you always have an ear here. Things will get better, and your beautiful spirit will attract others.

Feel free to write if you need support, okay?

[norbert]

Thank you very much Isis, I appreciate it.

[Wit and Itch]

Norbert
You said you read Chopra!
Chopra would say that there are no accidents in life, everything that happens, happens for a reason. Unusual events in our life are our signs, messages we need to understand.
Maybe you lost three very important people in your life because you need to learn to relay on yourself. Maybe your purpose in life is to help people who are grieving.

For heartache try crying. I lost my father and my brother in a same year, I cried until there was nothing but peace left in me.

[rjsmith975]

Hi i came across this forum using google. On nov 5th i lost my best friend as well. We had been friends for 12 years and he died suddenly of a brain hemeridge. It was totally unexpected as he was a fit and healthy 32 year old. To add to this i split up from my finance two days before losing my friend. I went into shock like yourself i to spoke at his funeral one of the hardest things ive ever done. Its been 3 months now and am not going to lie to you it's hard i go through stages of being upset, depressed and then i'm ok for a few days and then it starts again. All i can say is time is a healer i miss him like crazy but i just try to think of the good times. stay strong i find listening to certain music helps our fav tracks etc

[stellabeam]

I am sending you love.
When my best friend died suddenly I thought I would die too. I had noone else close to me at that time. I dealt with it by becoming my own "parent". I realised i was in trouble and noone was there. So I had to be there.
I went to the gym, got my healthy sleeping pattern back, ate nutricious food. This all took a lot of effort. The effort focused my mind and gave me respite from the terrible thoughts.
Sometimes I felt or imagined him with me, proud of me for getting it together.
I gave myself nuturing and just getting my physical energy levels up helped.
Take care of yourself dear brother.

[Pisces3]

I heard (via e-mail) from my step-sister that my step-sister had died . . . she died of cancer. But, noone notified us because we were no longer considered part of their lives (as my dad had died many years before).

Initially, I thought I wouldn't cry - but, with noone to share my feelings, I broke down slowly. Remembering the moments we spent together, angry that nonone thought I would care, sad that I didn't have anyone to call - because over the years I had isolated myself from them. Too many feelings right now - too many regrets.

My sister (not step-sister) meant more than they knew. Yet, my feelings could not have been apparent, if they did not know . . . they buried her on the 6th of April. It is the 20th. I found out today ~

Pisces3

[Liara Covert]

I stumbled on a phrase today that prompts reflection concerning grief: "Whatsoever you can find to be miserable about you simply jump upon, and whatsoever you can be happy about you simply forget, you don't take any note of it."

This phrase is pregnant with meaning. It invites us to question why we may base happiness on what we gain and sadness on what we lose. Reflect on the logic of your mind. If you are suddenly without something or somone, are you necessarily unhappy? Consider the reasons you have to celebrate the positive impact somone had on your life, the gifts and wisdom you were given. Imagine that the person you miss is actually happy elsewhere. All at once, you may discover that through nostalgia, you're able to share their joy.

[jmc41]

Keep on keeping on. Even though you may hurt so badly inside that you start to ache on the outside... You still... with effort and patience... go on. Remember to feel this special, and sad, part of life. Accept it and sit with it. When you're going through Hell... DON'T STOP! Keep going and most importantly... enjoy the journey.

Your life without that presence will never be the same, but that doesn't mean it can't still be wonderful.

Work it. work it hard and you will proudly go on.

my sympathies...

[uberinquisitive]

I lost my boyfriend almost 4 months ago unexpectedly. Survivors guilt is not unusual in these circumstances. His death doesn't bother me nearly as much as the survivors guilt.

I've been greatly helped by EFT, so collapse guilt.

[NDavid]

Hi Norbert,

Sorry to hear about your loss. I agree that EFT is a great tool to help you deal with emotions that get out of control. Hang in there :-)

Regards

NDavid