How to tell if you are depressed?

[sixx1984]

Hi everyone. Firstly I would like to say that I love this forum. Everyone is very friendly and helpful.

My question to you is that, without going to a doctor, how do you know if you are depressed?

It may sound like a strange question, but I am concerned that I am suffering from depression.

I have not felt happy in a very long time. I think it was because I was in a job I hated. This was several years ago. I remember going to see the doctor and after a while he did suggest that we may have to think about the "D" word as he called it. But then we came to the conclusion that I had nothing to live for and I just needed some excitement in my life. Well, at that time my partner got the opportunity to move abroad so I jumped at the chance to go with him.

It was the most awful experience of my life. I had an awful time. I could not work, I had no money and I was totally dependent on my partner. I had no independence and for me independence is important. I decided to use the time to think about where I wanted to go in life. I did a lot of research about careers and how to get into the ones that interested me. I finally found something I was really passionate about - and well, it was not a career I had never thought of before, it was something I had always wanted to do but never did it because I allowed myself to feel like I should be doing something else instead. I started doing some long distance learning courses with an institution back in my home country. I needed to test the water - make sure this was something I really wanted to do. I excelled at them. I got distinctions in every assignment and exam. I have never felt anything come so natural to me and I was kicking myself for not following this path earlier. Why had I allowed myself to fall off the track! I felt like I was back on the track though and I felt happy.

It was a weird feeling to feel happy with my direction. The only thing was that everything else around me was so wrong. I was stuck within the same 4 walls 24/7 with no money to go out and every friendship I had tried to make had come to nothing. It was at this point that many issues from my past had come up. I have always struggled with confidence and self-esteem and at this point I crumbled. I had always been told that I am an awful person. I'm self-centred, naive, selfish and just generally really terrible. I believed that I could not make any friends because I was a terrible person who did not deserve friends. It took me a long time to realise those things were not true. They were things that unfortunately had been told to me for many years but they were said in anger and were not representative of the truth. Every time I spoke to any of my friends or family back home they told me that every time they spoke to me I sounded more and more unhappy. They persuaded me to come back home.

So I did. I needed to be in an environment where I felt safe so I could work on my issues of confidence and self-esteem and retrain my mind to believe the truth - I am a great person. I am not terrible. I also felt that regarding my career choices, the only way I could continue to proceed and achieve my dream was to enrol in university full time. To do that I needed to move in with my parents. My partner still lives abroad and although I have a job now (part-time but I do lots of overtime so I'm practically working full-time until uni starts in September), I do not earn enough to pay for rent, bills, food, other living expenses and pay my tuition fees for university. I will not get any support with my university expenses since this is the second undergraduate degree I am doing at university and they (the government) only help you the first time.

Even though I am back home, with a job, around friends and family and finally on the right path career wise, I still feel something is wrong. Some days I am so unbelieveably happy and positive and outgoing and making friends with everyone in sight. I feel sure and very certain. This will maybe last for a few days and then I will wake up one morning feeling like "what the hell am I doing?". I will have quite bad panic attacks, anxiety attacks and then I will spend a few days crying. Then the cycle repeats. My parents tell me that I must focus on what I want and that this is my last chance to get it right career wise. They tell me that I am getting old now, I'm not getting any younger and that most other folk my age are in their careers and I will be left behind with nothing. I think them telling me that has a big part to play in my panic attacks. Somedays I feel like I should just go back to my old career just to make life easier. I will be making good money (which will keep my partner happy) and I'll get established (which will keep every one else happy). But I won't be happy. And all I want is to be happy. I don't care about money.

I think about everything. How my decision in life will affect everything and everyone. I think so much. I just want to bash my head into a wall some days to make all the thoughts go away. I want to not think about anything other than what is important right now - what is actually happening right now. I don't want to think about the what if's in the future. It is ruining my life. I am so up and down all the time. It's exhausting. I try to put on a positive attitude when I am around other people because I don't want them to think I am miserable. Being positive when you're not is exhausting. It's got to the point where I am always ill and tired. I can't get up in the morning and then I am exhausted before I even get out of bed. Then by mid afternoon I have to take a nap because I'm so tired.

I was drinking a lot of red bull at one point just to keep me going, but it was causing my heart to do funny things and I think it was making life worse for me so I've stopped drinking it. I've stopped with the caffine pills and I've cut back on my fizzy drink intake. For the past few weeks I've been eating more fruit and veg (I have a green smoothie everyday). I've been vegetarian all my life - something I get hassled about all the time - especially from my partner. That wears you down too. I stopped drinking milk a few months ago too in favour of oat milk (yum!) and he accused me of doing it just to annoy him. It's my ambition to one day be a raw foodist. But anyway, my diet issues and other peoples issues with my diet are a whole different topic.

My partner thinks I am just bored and restless and I will be ok once uni starts in September. Maybe he is right - maybe I am just craving a routine to take my mind off everything else.

Regarding my relationships with others. I'm not sure if my partner is right for me. We've been together for almost 6 years now and I don't think he's happy with my new direction in life. He always has some gripe about what I'm doing. I don't want to make any rash decisions though and will only leave him if I am absolutely sure he is not right for me. But I really don't think we're on the same page anymore. I know relationships require sacrifice but I really don't want to sacrifice being happy and achieving my dreams just so he's happy. He often worries that my new path will leave no room for kids. It makes me worry too how I will fit everything into my life. My parents often make me feel like I can't have kids and a career. I must do everything I want to before having children because once I have them, it is pretty much the end for me.

Regarding my close friends - they have not been suitable for me for years. I love them, they are good people but they are no longer on the same page as me and I feel like I am still friends with them because I have no one else (as yet). That is not really very fair on them or me. Hopefully I will make new friends at university.

Oh dear, I'm sorry this post is so long. I just kept writing and writing. It felt good to get it all out. Do you think I might be depressed, or just simply in a bad place in my life which will get better once I start at uni? Should I see a doctor or a therapist? Will anti-depressants make my emotions more stable? I have considered asking my doctor for them since all I want is to be stable again. I have been unhappy for many years now - is this depression, or simply a case of I haven't found what I'm looking for?

Btw, I'm 25 years old.

Any thoughts will be much appreciated.

[aggie]

i will start with a disclaimer that i am not a professional therapist or anything...but i am a person who has dealt with depression from a very young age...though not officially diagnosed till later in life and currently decided to go back on anti depressants...and take anti anxiety medication as needed.....it sounds like (and i was diagnosed as the same) you may be bi polar...or what used to be called manic depressive...very up one minute and full of despair the next. i have be diagnosed (depending on the doctor) as bipolar or as having a depressive-anxiety disorder...either way...if you need something to adjust your mood, or truly have some kind of chemical imbalance...the only way to be sure is to see professionals and be evaluated...the crying, the sleeping, the wanting to die...all part of it....at 25, you are way too young to think you are washed up or so old you'll be left with nothing...you need to do what fulfills you and makes you happy as well as supporting yourself. i don't mean to be critical but your partner and your parents need to give you a break. you need to get yourself well...as far as friends are concerned...and i speak from experience...if you are not comfortable with yourself you will not have a lot to offer and may inadvertantly attract negative people to you. the people that really know you and love you will feel that way now and later when you get stronger..i don't know where you are at spiritually...but if you have any kind of faith...lean on that...it helps in your darkest, lonliest moments....the very best of luck you....you can do it and make it!

[Roseblue]

sixx1984,

I'm no expert either but it does sound like depression. There are many, many degrees of depression. I hope you don't mind a bit of straight-talking. I think you are over analysing instead of utilising hence the lack of focus. So many ideas, so many plans, so many goals. You really need to simplify things a little. Cut it all down into much smaller steps. I'm afraid if you don't the depression, which for now sounds not too serious, could become more serious. It might be time to take stalk of your life and decide what you want for yourself. And I'm sorry to say this but it's true. Living with your parents, and their expectations, doesn't help the situation. Think about what you want and not what you think other people want for you. Best wishes.

[Kanzeon]

The label doesn't matter. What you do about it is all that matters.

If you are looking for a solution without years of therapy, find a book on cognitive behavioral therapy. It will help you whether you are "officially" depressed or not, and is proven to be one of the best responses to depression.

Depression and anxiety are closely linked. You may have a slight anxiety disorder or chemically based depressive condition. If so, medication may help. This isn't a big deal. Go to your doctor, explain your symptoms. Your doctor may send you to a counselor to talk for an hour. After that, you'll be given a prescription for anxiety or depression. Take them: they may help, and they may not. But many people manage depression and anxiety without drugs.

Find a strategy and stick to it. Pick a strategy that is recommended by a professional, not just what you think sounds right to you. Consistent application of any strategy will help you get out of this hole. It will take time, and you will have setbacks. Just take action: the most proven and accepted roads are medication and cognitive behavioral therapy, and they are easily accessible. Don't be too hard on yourself, just work day by day. Good luck.

[The Cloud]

I don't think that it's depression. It might be bipolar, judging by the mood swings (although it would be odd for the doctor to have missed that). However, I think the primary problem is that you're confused. You're trying to satisfy so many conflicting desires from so many people that you're being torn apart. You're tearing yourself apart, more accurately, because you think that if you tear yourself apart in front of the people that you're trying to satisfy, they will forgive you for being unsatisfactory. You're doing this to yourself to justify your failure to please; if you hurt enough, you must be trying, right? It's not important that you succeed, only that you destroy yourself in the process.

It's your life, and your call, but if you insist on living this way you'll never be happy enough to justify the effort. All the pain and sadness you experience is coming from you, and all you need to do is recognize this fact for it to be relieved. Just watch yourself self-destruct, and see it for what it is. Observation is all that is necessary, because nothing you do or say is going to change what you are. Not to say that what's outside you can't change, but changing it isn't what's going to bring you peace inside.

[funchy]

You really can't know for sure if you're clinically depressed without the professional opinion of someone trained in mental illness.

I sense that you feel some stigma or reistance to having that label? It's not a dirty word. You don't need to call it "the d word". It's no more shameful than any other disease. If you had an infection that didn't go away, you'd go right to a doctor and get antibiotics. So if you have a mental/chemical imbalance that isn't going away, why not get treatment, cognitive therapy, or medication? There is nothing wrong with getting help!

Recognizing you're depressed also doesn't mean you're permanently disabled. Depression can come because of grieving, extreme stress, or other serious problems in life. You list an possibly-unsatisfying long-term relationship, lack of close friends, and feelings of being isolated -- all environmental issues that CAN be changed. Maybe you have good reason to feel discouraged? A good therapist will help you recognize this and should teach you coping strategies, give advice on behavior modification, and assist you in becoming more self-aware of your deeper feelings.

[Stevie B]

Originally Posted by sixx1984

My question to you is that, without going to a doctor, how do you know if you are depressed?

The only way you know you are free of any STDs is to go to a doctor to find out. Same goes with depression.

As for the rest of the post. Can you identify the problem that is causing the most anxiety?

Stevie B.

[Timothy Smith]

These are symptoms of depression. Got 'em from my personal handbook on depression and other similar problems.

If you're feeling like you're not helping much, you lose your appetite, and you are abusing alcohol or drugs, these are the first signs of depression. However, things will get much worse later. Depression is caused by psychological and biological factors.

Also, if your eating habits change (e.g. eating too much than before, or eating less), this is also a sign of depression.

There's also clinical depression. Symptoms of clinical depression can include being sad for a few weeks, or feeling like life is worthless.

Manic depression is when like when you first feel really said, and then feel really happy.

Depression is simply a normal illness nowadays like the flu, but it is a serious one. Now, for the most important part we should all understand of depression: the treatment. Depression can be treated by talking to a doctor, or asking him/her to prescribe medicine for you. It won't go away by itself.

[TaylorLord]

Hey sixx1984, very deep story you got there. A few things caught my eye though. You didn't once say you wanted to be the relationship you are in. This comes to me as a red flag. I know that when you are unhappy the thought of being alone makes things even worse, so perhaps you are staying in this 6 year relationship for the comfort because you are afraid to break it off and be lonely.

Do I think your depressed, id say you are unhappy. Being unhappy normal from time to time but of course deep down there is always emotional scaring that is creating the symptoms of this unhappiness. I took anti-depressants for 2 months and I absolutely hated it, it wasn't helping me solve my problem at all. It was just fighting the symptoms of the unhappiness.

I remember I used to drink a few energy drinks a day when I had this construction job. The thing was, it was all good at first. The energy kept me going strong without any problems what so ever. But of course over time things start to screw up. My heart did start to do funny things and thats when I started getting bad anxiety and panic attacks. I don't think that energy drinks are the soul problem but I do believe that they can make things a little exaggerated.

Underneath all those symptoms of unhappiness lies a problem and you have to figure out the solution. Its the only way that you will be freed from this. There is reasons why you are unhappy even if you don't know if you can put your finger on it just yet. You may need to do some self exploration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sixx1984
My question to you is that, without going to a doctor, how do you know if you are depressed?
The only way you know you are free of any STDs is to go to a doctor to find out. Same goes with depression.

As for the rest of the post. Can you identify the problem that is causing the most anxiety?

Stevie B.

I disagree with this one Stevie b! Although I am no doctor I believe that depression is just a fancy word for unhappiness that companies perverted to make billions of dollars. As humans we are made to believe that issues in our life should be fixed fast and easy by taking medicine. We think that we aren't suppose to go through hard times and everything should just be peachy, but this is a lie. Its absurd, don't let your sadness make you think your going crazy thats for sure, trust me you will pull out of this and it will be just another chapter in your life that you will look back and laugh about!

With this relationship thing, just go with your gut instinct. Personally 6 years is a long time to figure out if you want to be with someone or not. What does your heart tell you? Do you want to be in this relationship and never know of what could have been? Perhaps this relationship is tying you down from being happy, you may feel that he is cramping your natural style and this in fact can be creating your unhappiness. It would be nice to be with a partner that supports your raw food goals! Dissect the relationship with some pro's and con's and go from there!

About those thoughts that you are getting all the time about the future and the past. I know what you are talking about, I once had constant thoughts I wasn't able to stop as well. I read this book a while back called "the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle and the book completely changed my outlook on thoughts and taught me how to live in the now. Meaning NOW is all you have nothing else exists outside now, as you read this comment this is NOW. The future and the past are nothing. I highly recommend you get this book or audio version, you will be changed forever! The thing that made those thoughts all freeze was the day I realized that these thoughts weren't even coming from me. They weren't my thoughts at all. Once I came to this realization the thoughts stopped having any such forms of power. I dissociated myself with them and over time they vanished. This is what you must believe "You Are Not Your Thoughts!"

When you go to this university it would be nice for you to get a complete fresh start. A clean slate if you will. You will have the power to create a brand new identity and this is really really exciting!

Wow this is a long comment I know but I feel that it will help you a lot! Let me know some updates on this matter!

[rawxstasy]

I started a new career at 40 years old. Went from IT to nursing. I will be graduating this December. I can't believe your family is telling you that it's too late to start another career! I think some of the people in your life are not being supportive. That can be contributing to your feelings of depression. If you don't have people who are supportive of your goals it can slowly tear you down.

I would think some of the classes you took for your previous degree would go towards your new degree. Also, talk to the school I think you can still get student loans even if you've passed the limit on the number of credits.

It's up to you about taking meds. Even though I am in the health care field I am really against most medications. I think anti depressants just "numb" your feelings. They are still there under the surface. But if you feel it's too difficult to function w/o then go ahead.

I totally agree being with present in the moment, it is really helpful and it will lessen your anxiety about the future. I would reexamine some of the relationships in your life. Even if you have to live with your parents due to circumstances, you don't have to let what they say affect your emotions.

[Lisa McGregor]

Usually when I stop obssesing about the future or the past and stay present in the moment, I feel happy. Or at least I come to accept my situation as it is.

__________________
This is quoted from another thread. Wise words from Moderator Eric Rooseveldt.

Take one day at a time. I wish you well.

Love

Lisa

[Holistic Star]

The thing that really stood out from me from your post was "I know relationships require sacrifice"

That's a very interesting limiting belief. Sacrifice? Really?
Think about that word and what that means. Is that what you really want for yourself

If the energy in your relationship is sacrifice (expecially yours), then no wonder you feel down and unsatisfied. Interestingly you finish that sentence with "but I really don't want to sacrifice being happy and achieving my dreams just so he's happy."

I don't get the feeling that the 'sacrifice' is equal on both sides. Is that true?

Also: "He often worries that my new path will leave no room for kids. It makes me worry too how I will fit everything into my life. My parents often make me feel like I can't have kids and a career. I must do everything I want to before having children because once I have them, it is pretty much the end for me."

Why is having kids the end for you? I know plenty of smart, wonderful women who have children who are still able to live their dreams and be happy. I'm not saying there are periods when it isn't difficult. But the END? No. In fact for many I've seen it is the start of something new. They find strength and energy that they never knew they had before because of the love they have for their child. They have to succeed even more!

If having kids is the end, why isn't it the end for both of you? I get the feeling that you feel you have to give up everything for the sake of the relationship, including your wants and dreams and stay at home with the children, so he can have his glittering career. Being a full-time mum is fine if that's what you want, but I really get the feeling you want a career as well. and that's great and achievable with the right support.

If you've been with this guy all your adult life then I imagine it's hard to imagine a different kind of relationship, where your needs and dreams are valued and supported. Where instead of sacrifice, you get mutual support, nurturing and encouragement. I'm sure there are good times, but I'm also sure that there is a long undercurrent of your needs being dismissed.
Don't blame your bf totally for this btw! He might be dismissing your needs, but you are also allowing that to happen. Take a look at where you are giving away your power in the relationship. You might be surprised. When you start to stand up for what you want, passionately with conviction, either he will accept it and change himself, or he will resist at first - then accept it, or you will go your separate paths.

I could have written a very similar post to yours when I was 25. I was in a non-supportive relationship, in a job that was wrong for me. I didn't have a good relationship with my parents. My uni friends had all drifted away. I was surrounded by a lot of negative people who didn't believe in 'rocking the boat'. Was I depressed? Probably. Because I was trapped by my own negative beliefs about the world. I didn't believe I was worth anything, that my dreams and needs weren't important. That I had to sacrifice my own feelings because someone else 'needed' me.

Personally I think meds are a last resort rather than a first. Some kind of therapy (but the right kind), not the talking version that just stirs everything up without resolving it can be really beneficial. You want something that is able to get to the root of why you feel the way you do, and helps you remove limiting beliefs.

Not sure if you have read Steve's book, but have a look at what he says about Truth, Love and Power. I'm guessing you are out on all three principles.

summary of principles here:Pre-order Personal Development for Smart People
sample chapter here:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/personal...le-chapter.pdf

and btw 25 isn't old! At 25 I started over again and don't regret it for a second.

[sixx1984]

Thank you so much to everyone for all your wonderful replies.

Aggie,

I do sometimes feel like I wish everyone would leave me alone and let me just get on with things. I would love it if people gave me a break! I really wish I could learn not to tell people things. Especially my parents. They are mega overanalysers. I make one comment and it turns into a three hour lecture about my life, my character and what I am doing wrong. If I make a decision without discussing it with my parents - regardless of the outcome I am always told what I should or should not have done. I do doubt myself a lot, I doubt my ability to make decisions without consulting other people. I would love to live alone if possible, but unfortunately unless I want to live on the streets - moving out right now is not an option. I love my parents - they have done so many wonderful things for me. I just wish I could be more emotionally independent from them. I did live away from home for 2 years, but even then I still found myself consulting my parents on decisions. Guess I need to grow up a bit, eh?

I think I do attract negative people, and people with a lot of issues, into my life because I am not comfortable with me. All my close friends right now are, god bless them, completely messed up. At work, I have met some wonderful uplifting people that I am trying to build friendships with as they seem like they could be good for me. But I am terrified. I feel like an imposter. Maybe this is a good thing - I'm pushing my boundaries - trying to surround myself with better people. It may just take me time to re-adjust.

Aggie, I do not follow any faiths. I have thought many times that I should but only because religious communities are quite tight-knit. They always seem to look out for each other and take care of each other. I'd like to be part of something like that, but I'm not comfortable with religion. Although, I do not dismiss the idea of god.

Roseblue, I agree with my over analysing is not being productive. Everything in my life, whether by me or other people, is over analysed and this causes me no end of stress. I'm usually ok with my life until other people make comment - other people being my parents or partner. Then I suffer quite bad from panic attacks. My parents are not as bad as some when it comes to expectations. But I do think they could back off a little. But then I do consult them a lot, so their involvement is my own doing.

Kanzeon, whether I am depressed or not I do think I suffer from an anxiety problem. Whether it's social or academic - I do feel like I am not good enough and that I don't belong. So I panic. I would like to talk to a professional, but cannot afford a private one right now and the free ones down at the hospital are not taking new patients right now. So I will just have to wait a bit longer.

The Cloud, "You're trying to satisfy so many conflicting desires from so many people that you're being torn apart. You're tearing yourself apart, more accurately,". You're quite accurate here. I do feel like I'm being torn apart whether by other people or by me. I have a lot of people to please. But I'm not pleasing myself. I do want to live for me, and I am - based on the fact that I am going back to university - the beginning of the path for me. But I let other people's comments affect me too much. I feel like if people do not approve of my decisions and ideas - I have failed or will fail.

funchy, I have nothing against depression. But trust me when I say that if I told the people in my life I was depressed - they'd just think I was making it up - over reacting. With my family - you're only ill if you're dying. Otherwise you're fine - get up and get on with it. The only thing I have trouble with is taking medication - I've been against taking it until recently when my mind has just been so all over the place, up and down, that I will do anything to be stable and normal again.

Timothy Smith, bipolar and manic depression have been mentioned a few times. I am very happy one day, or for a few days, and then for the rest of the week I'm at rock bottom. It does sound likely. I know they say that if it lasts for a little while then it's probably just a bad time in your life, but I have been feeling this way for a considerable amount of time now, so something is obviously not right.

TaylorLord, "You didn't once say you wanted to be the relationship you are in. This comes to me as a red flag.". I really don't know if I want to be in the relationship anymore, but not because I'm afraid of being alone. We do get on really well when we are together, but now I only see him every few months for a few days. We talk on the phone once a week. It's just the comments he makes sometimes regarding my decisions. If they don't fit in with his plans, he gets stropy. He is a big source of stress in my life. I feel like I have to fight for my right to do what I want. Sometimes, I do feel like taking the easy option and just giving up to make him happy. He is very unhappy with his location right now (abroad), and wants me to move back in with him to keep him happy despite the fact I was in a very very bad way there mentally compared to where I am now (which is still pretty bad, but not as bad as when I lived abroad). I think this is the reason my mother puts a lot of pressure on me to achieve. She had to fight for her right to do what she wanted, but it was such a battle that she decided to take the easy route and give up everything she wanted to do. She's regretted it every day and she doesn't want to see me making the same mistake. She hates my partner anyway, she doesn't think he's worth giving up everything for. I don't think any man is worth giving up your happiness for - and if that man truly loved you he would not want you to give up your happiness for him, he would make you do what you wanted to do in life - even if that meant losing you. I don't feel I get that with my partner. I feel like he's trying to hold me back because he's scared. He has way to many issues in his life. I have become very interested in self-improvement over the past year and a half (since I discovered Steve's site in Jan 2008) and I have successfully overcome a few of my issues and am a bit stronger - but as you can see I have a long way to go. He is not interested in self-improvement. He is afraid of being alone. He doesn't like the idea that I want to go off and do things I've always wanted to do, yet he tells me the other day that when he moves back home - he's going to go off travelling on his own around the world - something he's always wanted to do. So I was left thinking - it's ok for you to do what you want but not me? I do try to encourage him to follow his dreams. I feel that if I push him to follow his heart - he will let me follow mine.

"It would be nice to be with a partner that supports your raw food goals!". Lol, this is true. He is a very passionate meat eater. It causes no end of arguments. He strongly believes I am deprived, yet I feel like I am benefiting the environment and saving animals, therefore I feel enriched. I always enjoy tweaking my diet, making little changes here and there. He feels I do it to spite him and to make life awkward for him. Even though I would like to be raw, I would like to raise my children vegetarian and he is very against that. We've discussed it many times with no solution. He feels that they should be meat-eaters and make the decision to be vegetarian if they want when they are older. I feel they should be vegetarian and make the decision to eat meat if they want when they are older. Some people turn vegetarian for their partner. He refuses point blank to do such a crazy thing for me. And why should he? I just wish he would stop trying to make me eat meat. Hmmm...somewhat gone off topic here.

Anyway, thank you all for your replies. I will try and find a therapist to talk to at the hospital when they start taking new patients. It would be nice to finally find out whether I am really mentally ill, or just unhappy.

Please keep posting your opinions.

[sixx1984]

Holistic Star,

My idea of what relationships should be has come from my parents. In my last post, I mentioned that my mum has sacrificed a lot of the sake of my dad. She essentially gave up to keep the peace. Although she doesn't want this for me - she wants me achieve and be successful. She's been a stay at home mum for 25 years. She firmly believes that if you have children - you need to be there 24/7 so you cannot possibly have a career as well. She thinks that if anything goes wrong, it's always the mother that has to deal with it since the father will be working, and this essentially makes you unemployable. I know this is a limiting belief and that lots of women can make it work, but this has been drummed into me since an early age and any conversation with my mum now always leads to "what about the kids?". What kids, I don't have any kids! But I will, and I must think about how my choices will affect them. I must be all I can be before I have them, because after I cannot do anything. I feel it's too much pressure for me to be thinking about this right now. But I'm made to, over and over again. And from my partner as well. I just want to be free - work hard and play hard and not think about hypothetical children.

So, she's always pushing me to achieve because she believes that I will have to stay at home with the children and have no career and no life. I argue with her that it can work - I've seen it with my own eyes. But she thinks that when both parents have a career - the child suffers and ends up with no end of issues. My mum was there 24/7 and I still ended up with a mountain of issues! When I try to defend my point, she gets very angry and I always have to back down and agree with her to keep the peace. I have to live at home right now, so I don't want to rock the boat too much or else I will have more problems on my hands! Can't deal with that right now.

So, yes I have been told that relationships require sacrifice and I have always believed that. But I have never known what is and isn't acceptable to sacrifice. One minute my parents are happy that I am following my dream and making myself happy - the next they are yelling at me because they think that by me following my dreams I obviously don't love or care about my partner and I should be there for him helping him build up his career. Standing behind him like a good girl should.

Don't worry, I do not blame my partner or my parents for anything. I know that I have allowed myself to be treated like this and I have allowed myself to believe what I have been told. Although I know it's all my fault, I'm at a loss with how to change. How to stand up for myself. What is and isn't acceptable? And where should my boundaries be? I think my first move should be to learn to hear them, but not listen. I read that somewhere - if people are negative in your life you can learn to hear but not listen, thus keeping them happy but not letting yourself be affected.

The thing is, I hear of many people who have started careers later in life. People who have had kids and a career. People who have followed their dreams and had a successful relationship. I don't understand why my family and partner think that I can't.

You have certainly hit a point within me when you talked about sacrifice. I have always been led to believe that it's the woman who must give up. Never the man. That's how it was with my parents. My partner says he would sacrifice certain things for me - the relationship always comes first. But you know - I don't want him to do that. I don't want him to put the relationship first. I want him to do what makes him happy. I don't want him to sacrifice anything. To me sacrifice has connotations of doing something you don't want to do, something that doesn't make you happy. I don't want that to play any part in my relationship. It's not very fair.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by sixx1984

But I let other people's comments affect me too much. I feel like if people do not approve of my decisions and ideas - I have failed or will fail.

There's a funny thing about other people's comments; once they affect you, they become your comments. It's not that other people disapprove of your decisions that bothers you, it's that a part of you reacts to their disapproval because it also disapproves. It's all you. Getting away from negative people might hide the problem and allow you to function marginally better, but it won't make that hidden seed of disapproval inside go away. It will always be waiting for the tiniest bit of evidence of failure, ready to douse you in negativity.

So what do you do? Fight back with positive thoughts? Just as well try to put out a fire with gasoline. That you fight back with positive thoughts will only reinforce the validity of the negative thoughts. You only fight that which threatens you, so in order to fight negative thoughts you have to make them into a threat. That means giving them the illusion of strength, which in a mental struggle is very real strength. And since all you're fighting is you it's not really possible to win that battle, no matter how strong you make yourself.

Honestly, you don't need the positive or the negative thoughts. Neither of them do anything but trap you in the struggle that you're so tired of, going up and down and up and down all the time. Neither of them represent any kind of reality, either. We live in a world of words, so much so that we've replaced real things with them. Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more or less. A thought about a mountain is no more a mountain than a picture or a photograph. Do you really need thoughts or pictures to experience a mountain? Do you really need thoughts about life to experience life?

I don't suggest trying to get rid of thoughts, or analyze thoughts. You have had plenty of analyzing already. Thoughts about thoughts are just more thoughts, and bring you no closer to a life free of them. Just observe. Be aware. You can't help but to eventually notice how fake a life lived in thought and memory is. It's all you know right now, but I guarantee you that it's not all there is. As long as you honestly want to experience the truth, you can't help but to see. Thoughts about life are no replacement for real living, and thoughts about mountains aren't necessary to make the summit real.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Sixx1984,

Reading your responses it struck me that you are in a FANTASTIC place. I know it might not feel like it right now, but you really are.

Right now you are questioning everything and taking nothing forgranted. How many other people sleepwalk through life, repeating the patterns of their parents and grandparents without even thinking? But not you. You can see that things aren't working, despite how much people protest about the ways things 'should' be.

You can see the self-defeating half-truths, the hypocrisy, the rigid holding onto outdated beliefs that are being handed down to you. You've accepted them for a long time, but now you can see they aren't right or set in stone. It feels weird and confusing because you haven't quite worked out how to deal with them, and what you want in their place.

I think NLP would really help release you from some of the limiting beliefs you've absorbed.

I also think Bryon Katies The Work would be really good. You could start with statements "I have to sacrifice myself in my relationship." or "Having kids is the end of my life!" One of the questions she asks is, "Is that really true?" Google it to find her page. You can watch videos of how to do it, and get the questions for free.

You will get through this. You're intelligent, ambitious, articulate, self-aware. You don't have to repeat the lives of your parents and what was right for them. They love you and want you to be safe. But safe isn't what you want. (My mum and nan also worry about my imaginary children too so I totally get where you are coming from there.)

Often previous generations have ideas that simply don't work in the current world. (My nan phoned me up 2 weeks before my 26th birthday after I had been single for 2 months to say she was worried I would be 'left on the shelf!' and she didn't like to think of me sitting in on my own because I 'had no-one to take me out'. She just wouldn't believe I was having the best, happiest social life being single. Your parents will tell you what they think worked for them and kept them safe 30 - 50 years ago. But they are not you, living your life right now. You need to choose your own path.

Right now you are at the beginning of a fantastic journey. Yes the start is rocky, but stick with it - you will succeed. Keep questioning and noticing what works for you and what doesn't. Question everything

[AlexL]

six1984,
I'm a physician and have diagnosed and treated many people with depression. Depression comes in many forms and in varying degrees of severity. Though doctors like to categorize depression in definitive ways as being of one type or another, many people simply don't fit into one simple category. So whether or not to use medication, therapy, or some other form of treatment can often be a difficult decision. Anti-depressants are extremely useful if depressive feelings (and accompanying symptoms) are so strong that the person is only semi-functional or non-functional. However, no medication can treat what I consider to be the true cause of depression. Though I couldn't comment on whether or not you are depressed from reading your posts, you might find the article at the link below useful. Best of luck in figuring things out.

The True Cause Of Depression « Happiness in this World

AlexL

[sixx1984]

Holistic Star, thank you for your different outlook on my situation. I do feel like I don't know my place in the world. Everything was all ok and I thought I knew who I was up until 2 years ago when I graduated from uni the first time. When I moved away from home and tried to make it myself everything fell apart. I think I did know deep down that a lot of what I believed about how things should be done and what I believed about myself were not right. But I didn't realise that I should look deeper into this - question everything and find a more suitable way of thinking. I just dismissed it. I only started looking deeper in the past few months. There was always a huge conflict in my mind between what I should do and what is right for me to do. I did start questioning everything and am still doing it now. My parents say to me - do it this way or do it that way, but I don't feel comfortable with what they suggest. I feel like I'm in a void. Nothing is working anymore. But I am searching long and hard for something that does work. I don't know who I am anymore and that is scary. Steve's site helps a lot along with other motivational/inspirational texts. I guess if I keep on at it, things will fall into place eventually. Btw, I looked up the website you suggested and watched some of the videos. I definitely think I can apply this to my own life.

AlexL, thank you for the link. It is very strange because for the past few weeks I keep finding my way to this website through different sources. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something! Thanks again.