Defending One's Actions

[Michelle]

As someone who tends to march to the beat of her own drum, I very often find myself trying to explain or defend my actions to others whom I feel aren't supportive or who have expressed some displeasure at something I have done ... I guess this is part of the "disease to please" syndrome. Today while meditating, the thought came to me "Just stop defending yourself - there is no need".

So, my question is:

When do you explain yourself, when not? When do you defend your actions, when not?

[Matthew Shea]

Q. When do you explain yourself?

A1. When you know you're not right and you're trying to justify what you just did.

A2. When you know you're right, but your beliefs differ substantially from prevailing viewpoints. In this case, being able to win others over to your viewpoint is valuable. If it turns out you were indeed wrong, you'll at least have gained a better understanding of what went wrong in the ensuing debate.

Q. When not?

A. When you're confident that you did the right thing and that no further explanation beyond the facts of the story should be necessary to convince someone that you were in the right.

I hope this helps.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Getting defensive about who you are and constantly trying to please people isn't a very nice way to live. I am also a tad different and the people I care about have learned to accept me to the point I no longer have to explain myself or my actions, unless they hurt someone. I mean, if the people are not going to be supportive of what you are doing, then tell them it is your life, not theirs. It is your choice, not theirs. Even if what you do turns out to be a big mistake, the people have to let you make that mistake, not try and coax you out of it. They probably care about you, but they want you to live a certain way. if you're not into living that way, let them know and tell them if they are not going to be supportive, you'll try and distance yourself from those people.

[MartialDev]

Originally Posted by Michelle

When do you explain yourself

When they do not understand.

Originally Posted by Michelle

when not?

When they do not agree.

[renie408]

It's funny, because that is exactly what I was going to say when I read your title....DON'T. Don't defend your actions. Martial Dev is exactly correct. There is a difference between defending yourself and explaining yourself. Explain yourself once. Listen to the dissenting position. You either agree with it or not. If you still can't come to terms, leave it alone.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Never apologize. Never Explain.

[renie408]

Never explain? See, I need you to explain that. If there is a point of confusion between you and another person, then there is no dishonor in more clearly defining your position. In the process of making your positions more clear, perhaps either one of you might come to see or agree with the other person. Without explanations, how do you grow your own viewpoint? It has been through many a heated discussion that I have learned a great deal.


Hey, I was also wondering if you are also 'people'?

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by renie408

It's funny, because that is exactly what I was going to say when I read your title....DON'T. Don't defend your actions. Martial Dev is exactly correct. There is a difference between defending yourself and explaining yourself. Explain yourself once. Listen to the dissenting position. You either agree with it or not. If you still can't come to terms, leave it alone.

Agreed, though I often strive to reach common understanding and can discuss most topics on which I disagree with someone until they give up in frustration, or a common understanding is eventually reached.

As long as neither party's ego is too heavily involved, in-depth analysis of any topic of dissent can be very rewarding for both parties.

It sounds like your ego was involved, Michelle, though after your mediation perhaps you can ignore those feelings which prompt you to go on the defensive.

[dadeon]

YOU DON"T - you don't have to because you march to your own drummer.

When you do...You are independent of the good opinion of others, you don't need to explain yourself because it's won't matter what others think of you. It's what Deepak Chopra (and eastern philosophy) calls 'self referral' - the reference to the self comes from the inside and not the outside.

I've been where you are and at first it's very frustrating beacuse you want people to understand, but it's hard to explain 'why' you are marching to your own drummer. Just let it go! you do not need people to understand - you just need to understand it for yourself and only when this is enough for you will you truly be able to march to your own drummer.