An plan to overcome some deep emotional problems - Please give me feedback...

[Sivodna]

This is the first time I've told anyone this, it's like a weight off my shoulder just typing it out.

I'm 23, a guy, and last year I graduated from University. After my degree, I got a boring 9-to-5 office job and I hated every second of it. It's such a tedious existence. It makes you understand the importance of living how YOU want to live, being FREE, and living as best as you truly can.

I have some serious obstacles to overcome before I can "continue" with my life. These things weigh heavily on my mind at all times, and they stunt my personal growth. I need to eliminate them, like The Terminator on a mission.
I'll tell you what they are in one second.

Currently, I live at home, and I recently was made redundant from the office-monkey job. I signed on for social welfare, felt like **** about it. But the economy is bad right now.
My goal is to become a writer and lecturer, to travel a lot, to study what I'm fascinated by, and to help students realise how incredibly interesting scholarship can be. But that's in the future.

The Obstacles in my life are these:

1. I have some gynecomastia. That's the development of glandular tissue and fat under each nipple, also known as "♥♥♥♥♥ tits" or male breast tissue. Anyone who does not have it, has no idea how incredibly painful it is psychologically. I'm not overweight at all, and neither are most people who have the condition.
This is not tolerable to me. Surgery is expensive - but it will be done.

2. I have crappy teeth, and a broken nose. My nose is half way across my face. It's denting my confidence (nothing compared to the gynecomastia though). Besides that, I'm actually reasonably attractive and a cheerful, positive person.

Ok that's the physical stuff. I want to get surgery to fix these problems. Just like a person gets braces to fix their teeth, I need to get rhinoplasty to fix my nose.
Please don't say "learn to love yourself", because you betray your ignorance and unintended hypocrisy. Just. Don't. Do. It. Trust me.

The mental or inner stuff:

3. I want to lecture and teach, so I need to know my stuff. I have a reading list of essential books I need to read. I am going to go on and do further education, but I find that university gets in the way of my education. I am free now to read as I please, and I love it.
I want to use this time to focus on self-improvement, including putting on muscle, and developing my intellect, while letting my nose heal and while wearing braces.

SO, my plan is this.

My mother is expecting me to go back to university in a few months. But the truth is, I cannot think of anything except achieving my other objectives first. The thought of another couple of years of college with ♥♥♥♥♥ tits, a broken nose, and fukked up teeth is just a nightmare to me. I HAVE to get this **** sorted. It's damaging my self-esteem enormously, fuking me up as a person, and messing up my relationships with people.

So, I want to postpone college and take a year off to get all this sorted. I want to muster the courage to admit to my mother what I want (this will be extremely hard for me, I hate to appear vulnerable or depressed). My parents are divorced. My father's an alcoholic with no goals in life, and he would think I'm a fool for spending all this money (while he pisses away his own money).
I will need to borrow some money - I can pay for most of it myself after years of working and saving, but I will need a small bit extra.

I will probably work during this time, when the bruising etc has gone down. But mostly, I want to use this time to educate myself, to improve my physical appearance, and to then go back to college and get my PHD or Masters will confidence.



So, that's it. Damn that feels good. All comments welcome. Please don't say "learn to love yourself" - I do love myself. That's why I need to fix these problems. Thank you.

[alainplus]

You don't actually have what one would call a clear plan. If you did, you'd be working on it now and not asking advise from people who knew nothing about you.

If you're just beginning personal development, it doesn't really matter where you start or what you do. Just don't sit around and languish. If you feel taking a year off is the thing to do. Develop a solid plan and make sure you covince your parents of it. Your parents typically are on YOUR side. They can behave stupidly sometimes; that's the consequence of being human. But don't forget that this is your life. Do what you want.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by alainplus

You don't actually have what one would call a clear plan. If you did, you'd be working on it now and not asking advise from people who knew nothing about you.

If you're just beginning personal development, it doesn't really matter where you start or what you do. Just don't sit around and languish. If you feel taking a year off is the thing to do. Develop a solid plan and make sure you covince your parents of it. Your parents typically are on YOUR side. They can behave stupidly sometimes; that's the consequence of being human. But don't forget that this is your life. Do what you want.

Thanks. Though my plan isn't crystal clear, I do have a large list of goals written out. I will not sit around scratching my balls - I'm always doing something, working towards achieving goals.

[Deergirl]

Clearly you have set your mind to it. I think the most important thing is to sit down together with your mom as soon as possible and discuss this. Don't wait to long with it. It will be a huge change for her as well. She'll have to take care of you for another year which means not only help you pay for the surgery, but I assume she will also help you out with food, clothes, etc. Maybe she had other plans in mind. Talk to her, because you are changing her life and plans perhaps.

Make sure you get all the information in advance. Just a thought: perhaps you better not have braces while they do the surgery on your nose, because they might be in the way. I don't know, but that was something that popped in my head. Figure out what should be done first. Talk to a doctor as soon as possible as well after you've talked with your mom of course.

I know you said "don't give me the "love yourself" crap", but I just have to get this of my chest. You have set your goal, that's clear, but changing your appearance won't automatically change your confidence. It will give you a temporarily feel of confidence, but it's not the real thing. Confidence comes when you can believe in yourself, in what you are and what you stand for. Fixing your nose or getting your teeth straight, is a quick fix. So I do hope that you will take your time to get serious about self development and get to know yourself, who you are and what you stand for, because that will bring you much further in life.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by Deergirl

Clearly you have set your mind to it. I think the most important thing is to sit down together with your mom as soon as possible and discuss this. Don't wait to long with it. It will be a huge change for her as well. She'll have to take care of you for another year which means not only help you pay for the surgery, but I assume she will also help you out with food, clothes, etc. Maybe she had other plans in mind. Talk to her, because you are changing her life and plans perhaps.

Make sure you get all the information in advance. Just a thought: perhaps you better not have braces while they do the surgery on your nose, because they might be in the way. I don't know, but that was something that popped in my head. Figure out what should be done first. Talk to a doctor as soon as possible as well after you've talked with your mom of course.

I know you said "don't give me the "love yourself" crap", but I just have to get this of my chest. You have set your goal, that's clear, but changing your appearance won't automatically change your confidence. It will give you a temporarily feel of confidence, but it's not the real thing. Confidence comes when you can believe in yourself, in what you are and what you stand for. Fixing your nose or getting your teeth straight, is a quick fix. So I do hope that you will take your time to get serious about self development and get to know yourself, who you are and what you stand for, because that will bring you much further in life.

Deergirl, that's a great post, thank you. You make interesting practical points instead of moralising at me, and I appreciate it.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Sivodna

So, that's it. Damn that feels good. All comments welcome. Please don't say "learn to love yourself" - I do love myself. That's why I need to fix these problems. Thank you.

Take a moment to reread what you wrote.

Someone who loves themself realizes that they don't NEED to fix anything about themself.

It's interesting to me that you already know what you need to do, but you are resisting it so heavily. Being stubborn about the one thing that will truly bring you happiness.

I'm afraid there's not much we can tell you that will truly help you until you "give us permission" to tell you that you need to truly love yourself.

All the while you are waiting for these surgeries, you are going to waste precious time hating yourself. To me that's the definition of "tragedy." Tragedy because it won't end with fixing your "♥♥♥♥♥ tits" or your nose. Yes, I think you SHOULD fix those things. But until you do? You need to do that thing that you are so stubbornly resisting.

But you already know that. And you are fighting it. You already know it and you are fighting it because you aren't being honest with yourself.

[MagicalRealist]

I don't live in your body. I don't have to deal with the reactions you get from other people based on your appearance--and I know people do react to your appearance, because people are shallow bastards and that's what they do. And it can be very difficult to overcome negative first impressions. Your appearance can cost you jobs, promotions, and pay raises, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. And you know what it's like trying to get a date if there is anything notably imperfect about your appearance.

So if these things are causing you so much pain--and I do believe they are--by all means have them dealt with. You've posted about the gynecomastia here before, and I can tell it's been a source of shame and embarrassment for you. I'm glad to see you're finally going to take action and do something about it.

And there are going to be people who say that, "It's not the gynecomastia that's causing you so much pain; it's your own internal response to it. Change your thinking, love your body, and everything will be okay." Which yes, is true. But I don't believe for a minute that you have to accept having gynecomastia, or a busted nose, or wonky teeth, and just live with them and love them.

There is a strange attitude I keep encountering on this, and on another LoA forum I browse, where it's perfectly okay to want a better job, more money, a big house, your dream car, the love of your life--but god forbid you want to change your body (unless it's to lose weight). All of a sudden, everyone drops the "Yes, you can make it happen!" and starts offering up the "Oh, but you need to learn to love and accept yourself just as you are!" stuff.

If you lived in an otherwise good house that happened to be the ugliest one on the block, nobody would fault you for wanting to renovate the facade. I don't see this as any different. In fact, I think this is even more important, because while one can leave their ugly house and move elsewhere, you can't leave your body behind.

So yes, go for it. If you have to, prioritize the procedures you want and do them in order. The gynecomastia seems to be your first priority, so do that--maybe taking care of that will provide you enough relief that the other procedures aren't so urgent. Deergirl has a very good point--find out whether doing orthodontia at the same time you're having a nose job is advisable (especially if they have to pull teeth and/or spread your upper palate).

I will say this, however--having these procedures done will help you, they will make your life easier, but they will not solve all of your problems. In fact, they may create some unexpected new ones. I've had friends who have undergone various cosmetic procedures--breast enlargement, breast reduction, chin implants, nose jobs, liposuction, removal of a persistent "double chin"--and while they were all happy with the way they looked afterwards, other people's reactions weren't always what they expected.

Once they were their new, more attractive selves, they started to get increased attention from the opposite sex. Not only that, but shop clerks, receptionists, potential employers, and even strangers on the street treated them differently--it was as if suddenly everybody was much friendlier.

All of which each of them enjoyed--but it also led to a certain amount of anger and resentment. As one friend put it, "I'm the exact same person I always was. Same hopes, same dreams, same sense of humor, same education, same accomplishments. I'm just as kind and loyal and smart as I ever was--the only thing that is different is the size of my nose. I knew people were shallow and obsessed with appearances, but this is insane." Every time she met a new guy who showed interest in her, she had the thought running in the back of her head that he wouldn't have looked at her twice with her old nose--and she was right. It took her a long time to come to terms with knowing that.

Despite that, she never regretted having cosmetic surgery. Once she no longer had a nose three sizes too large for her face, she liked what she saw when she looked in the mirror. In an odd way, she felt more like herself; her exterior now matched her inner self-concept. But be aware that a lot of emotional stuff may come up when all of a sudden people start treating you better--and it won't all be positive. Accept that you'll probably have to deal with those feelings. You may discover that some insecurities you have had, that you ascribed to your gynecomastia, or your teeth, or your nose, might not go away once the swelling goes down and the bruising fades and the braces come off.

I have no brilliant advice to offer in talking to your mother, or your educational goals, but that's okay; I've gone on long enough, haven't I?

[themaster]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

And there are going to be people who say that, "It's not the gynecomastia that's causing you so much pain; it's your own internal response to it. Change your thinking, love your body, and everything will be okay." Which yes, is true. But I don't believe for a minute that you have to accept having gynecomastia, or a busted nose, or wonky teeth, and just live with them and love them.

And that idea is not invalid just cause you try to skew it.. it's a valid way of doing it.. but here's the truth.. sometimes the PATH of LEAST RESISTANCE.. is to do the physical things we have in our reality such as go to the doctor, dentist.. hypogentist.. or whatever and do real reality based ideas/concepts..

So if this person feels and I believe I've commented on another of his threads already.. if this person feels that surgery/doctors is the path of least resistance then I strongly encourage them to take that path..

[James81]

Originally Posted by themaster

So if this person feels and I believe I've commented on another of his threads already.. if this person feels that surgery/doctors is the path of least resistance then I strongly encourage them to take that path..

Sure, he should fix these things if it's in his power to do so.

The problem is, these things aren't the cause of his issues....they are the symptoms. Nothing wrong with fixing the symptoms, but it won't solve the problem. And if he doesn't solve the real problem, new symptoms will arise (i.e. he will find new ways to hate himself).

But he's vehemently resisting the one thing that will cure the cause.

[themaster]

Originally Posted by James81

The problem is, these things aren't the cause of his issues.....

Sometimes going to the doctor, dentist.. allows us to fix OUR own ISSUES.. because we believe them.. ALLOW them..

If this guy had let's say "lyme" disease.. he went to the doctor to get a pill.. and he believed that pill would fix him.. even if it was sugar.. he would allow himself to heal himself.. based on belief/ideas alone..

The point to understand is all choices are valid.. it's okay to fix your issue via are medical system or not.. ultimately if this person can't believe he has fixed his issues yes after going to the doctor then he'll be back at square 1.. but sometimes a "action" and allowance journey can pull us out of these ideas we get ourselves stuck in..

[aelle]

Is it useful to post the same message in 3 different sub-boards, though?

[wrongwayman]

I know the pain of the things our friend speaks of. My nose has been broken a few times. I have "tits". My teeth are a mess. And sure, someday, those will definitely be a priority for me and I'm sure they will at least be real evidence that I am improving myself.
Definitely do that if it's the path of least resistance to make a major positive change in your life.

Here goes, though.

How about self-esteem? Your father is a drunk and isn't a positive role-model for you. Read a book on the symptoms of low self-esteem and how to dispell the negative self-destruction. I was once my own worst enemy and it really sucked. I read a good book and I am learning, day-by-day, to stop defeating myself.

Your search has brought you to a great place. Please take our words with the care and love that we've put into them. We aren't judging you. We only want to help. No pressure.
I think you have a good plan. Hopefully, our words may help you along the way.

[freeme]

Although I do believe its true that as you get older these physical problems may not seem quite as important as they do now. That said my advice would be to get a student loan and use the money to fix the problems you spoke of. As for work, I also hated my job for many years, I would close my eyes at night and ask God, what should I be doing with my life? I listened to the answer and truly love what I'm doing now. Good luck.

[wrongwayman]

freeme; did you just tell our friend to get a student loan in order to fix his physical issues? I hope I heard that wrong. Fraud does not improve the person.

[Marce]

Hey Sivodna,
I have not had time to read everyone elses posts so I hope I dont repeat anything but anyway

I think that it is fair enough that you want these problems fixed, Its hard for me to relate to your situation but I think the steps you have taken already are important so good work!
In regards to your mother, dont let that at all restrict you, your actively shaping your life and pursuing your dreams, communicate this passion to her and Im sure she will support you.
However, everyone is different, only you can truly understand your decisions and you need to remember that you dont need to explain yourself to anyone if you are making the right choices for YOU.
Best wishes

[Holistic Star]

Hi Sidovna,

I can certainly relate to wanting to improve your appearance. I had lazer surgery on my eyes a few years ago because I felt and looked better without glasses (in my mind I never really suited them and contact lenses didn't work for me) and I have very pale blue eyes which I felt were hidden and I wanted to show them off!

Like the others have said, just make sure that the surgery is a one-time thing and doesn't lead to lots of repeat surgery because of feeling niggled that 'something' isn't quite right. The reason I say this is that in previous posts about gynecomastia you said there was nothing else you wanted to fix. Now it is your teeth and nose too. Just be careful that you don't then start a long list of things that are wrong with you that need to be fixed. So long as you do also work on your personal development, I think you will be fine.

Put together a really clear plan about how you want to improve yourself. Set yourself some targets and goals with deadlines so when you talk to your mother she gets a definite idea of what you are going to achieve and when. I know I would be worried if someone I cared about said they were going to drop out of uni and read personal development books! Worrying can seem like anger or nagging because deep down this person cares for you, they don't understand your values or goals.

You mother will want to know why you can't be at university and follow your goals as well. You will need to create a plan to show her what you are going to achieve, or maybe re-think why you can't acheive goals AND get a degree at the same time. When I was at uni, I studied hard, worked 16 hours per week, wrote articles for a magazine and have a very active social life so it can be done!

I get the feeling you want to drop out of uni to create a refuge for yourself. I get the feeling you want to hide out for bit. I might be wrong here. Your bruising will have gone down in a few weeks so if you had your surgery at the start of the summer holidays, you would be back in the autumn and no-one would know. You certainly don't need a whole year to recover from an operation.

I'm not going to say, don't have surgery and love yourself instead. However I am going to point out that you said that you don't like being seen as vulnerable and also that you don't want to be seen with bruising. That suggests to me that you don't love all of yourself, you only accept the strong face you put on to the world.

Can you find a way to love the vulnerable part of yourself, the part that doesn't have all the answers and needs help and emotional support. I'm guessing from what you've posted about your upbringing that you surpressed this side of yourself a lot and dislike it. When you can find a way to be ok with being vulnerable with those that you love I think you will be ok.

Once you've had your surgery, you will have to face life without any excuse to hold you back. That can be very scary! It's also a great place to be as you then really do have to go for what you want.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

I don't live in your body. I don't have to deal with the reactions you get from other people based on your appearance--and I know people do react to your appearance, because people are shallow bastards and that's what they do. And it can be very difficult to overcome negative first impressions. Your appearance can cost you jobs, promotions, and pay raises, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. And you know what it's like trying to get a date if there is anything notably imperfect about your appearance.

So if these things are causing you so much pain--and I do believe they are--by all means have them dealt with. You've posted about the gynecomastia here before, and I can tell it's been a source of shame and embarrassment for you. I'm glad to see you're finally going to take action and do something about it.

And there are going to be people who say that, "It's not the gynecomastia that's causing you so much pain; it's your own internal response to it. Change your thinking, love your body, and everything will be okay." Which yes, is true. But I don't believe for a minute that you have to accept having gynecomastia, or a busted nose, or wonky teeth, and just live with them and love them.

There is a strange attitude I keep encountering on this, and on another LoA forum I browse, where it's perfectly okay to want a better job, more money, a big house, your dream car, the love of your life--but god forbid you want to change your body (unless it's to lose weight). All of a sudden, everyone drops the "Yes, you can make it happen!" and starts offering up the "Oh, but you need to learn to love and accept yourself just as you are!" stuff.

If you lived in an otherwise good house that happened to be the ugliest one on the block, nobody would fault you for wanting to renovate the facade. I don't see this as any different. In fact, I think this is even more important, because while one can leave their ugly house and move elsewhere, you can't leave your body behind.

So yes, go for it. If you have to, prioritize the procedures you want and do them in order. The gynecomastia seems to be your first priority, so do that--maybe taking care of that will provide you enough relief that the other procedures aren't so urgent. Deergirl has a very good point--find out whether doing orthodontia at the same time you're having a nose job is advisable (especially if they have to pull teeth and/or spread your upper palate).

I will say this, however--having these procedures done will help you, they will make your life easier, but they will not solve all of your problems. In fact, they may create some unexpected new ones. I've had friends who have undergone various cosmetic procedures--breast enlargement, breast reduction, chin implants, nose jobs, liposuction, removal of a persistent "double chin"--and while they were all happy with the way they looked afterwards, other people's reactions weren't always what they expected.

Once they were their new, more attractive selves, they started to get increased attention from the opposite sex. Not only that, but shop clerks, receptionists, potential employers, and even strangers on the street treated them differently--it was as if suddenly everybody was much friendlier.

All of which each of them enjoyed--but it also led to a certain amount of anger and resentment. As one friend put it, "I'm the exact same person I always was. Same hopes, same dreams, same sense of humor, same education, same accomplishments. I'm just as kind and loyal and smart as I ever was--the only thing that is different is the size of my nose. I knew people were shallow and obsessed with appearances, but this is insane." Every time she met a new guy who showed interest in her, she had the thought running in the back of her head that he wouldn't have looked at her twice with her old nose--and she was right. It took her a long time to come to terms with knowing that.

Despite that, she never regretted having cosmetic surgery. Once she no longer had a nose three sizes too large for her face, she liked what she saw when she looked in the mirror. In an odd way, she felt more like herself; her exterior now matched her inner self-concept. But be aware that a lot of emotional stuff may come up when all of a sudden people start treating you better--and it won't all be positive. Accept that you'll probably have to deal with those feelings. You may discover that some insecurities you have had, that you ascribed to your gynecomastia, or your teeth, or your nose, might not go away once the swelling goes down and the bruising fades and the braces come off.

I have no brilliant advice to offer in talking to your mother, or your educational goals, but that's okay; I've gone on long enough, haven't I?

That post is simply fantastic. I'm startled. You nailed it on so many levels, and you offered detailed, supportive, perceptive, and genuinely sage advice. You analogies are bang on. Thank you! I have nothing more really to add!

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by James81

Someone who loves themself realizes that they don't NEED to fix anything about themself.

All the while you are waiting for these surgeries, you are going to waste precious time hating yourself. To me that's the definition of "tragedy." Tragedy because it won't end with fixing your "♥♥♥♥♥ tits" or your nose. Yes, I think you SHOULD fix those things. But until you do? You need to do that thing that you are so stubbornly resisting.

But you already know that. And you are fighting it. You already know it and you are fighting it because you aren't being honest with yourself.

I appreciate the sentiment; it certainly comes from a good place, and ironically I would probably say the very same thing in giving advice to someone. It's just the way we're wired to dole out romantic, holistic advice to people that ultimately is not realistic or accurate psychologically.

Originally Posted by James81

The problem is, these things aren't the cause of his issues....they are the symptoms. Nothing wrong with fixing the symptoms, but it won't solve the problem. And if he doesn't solve the real problem, new symptoms will arise (i.e. he will find new ways to hate himself).

But he's vehemently resisting the one thing that will cure the cause.

In my case, that's simply incorrect. But again, thank you for the noble sentiment.

Originally Posted by aelle

Is it useful to post the same message in 3 different sub-boards, though?

Hell yeah. More perspectives.

Originally Posted by wrongwayman

I know the pain of the things our friend speaks of. My nose has been broken a few times. I have "tits". My teeth are a mess. And sure, someday, those will definitely be a priority for me and I'm sure they will at least be real evidence that I am improving myself.
Definitely do that if it's the path of least resistance to make a major positive change in your life.

Here goes, though.

How about self-esteem? Your father is a drunk and isn't a positive role-model for you. Read a book on the symptoms of low self-esteem and how to dispell the negative self-destruction. I was once my own worst enemy and it really sucked. I read a good book and I am learning, day-by-day, to stop defeating myself.

Your search has brought you to a great place. Please take our words with the care and love that we've put into them. We aren't judging you. We only want to help. No pressure.
I think you have a good plan. Hopefully, our words may help you along the way.

Interesting points, thank you.
My self-esteem is quite high, all things considered.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by Marce

Hey Sivodna,
I have not had time to read everyone elses posts so I hope I dont repeat anything but anyway

I think that it is fair enough that you want these problems fixed, Its hard for me to relate to your situation but I think the steps you have taken already are important so good work!
In regards to your mother, dont let that at all restrict you, your actively shaping your life and pursuing your dreams, communicate this passion to her and Im sure she will support you.
However, everyone is different, only you can truly understand your decisions and you need to remember that you dont need to explain yourself to anyone if you are making the right choices for YOU.
Best wishes

Thank you.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Hi Sidovna,

I can certainly relate to wanting to improve your appearance. I had lazer surgery on my eyes a few years ago because I felt and looked better without glasses (in my mind I never really suited them and contact lenses didn't work for me) and I have very pale blue eyes which I felt were hidden and I wanted to show them off!

Like the others have said, just make sure that the surgery is a one-time thing and doesn't lead to lots of repeat surgery because of feeling niggled that 'something' isn't quite right. The reason I say this is that in previous posts about gynecomastia you said there was nothing else you wanted to fix. Now it is your teeth and nose too. Just be careful that you don't then start a long list of things that are wrong with you that need to be fixed. So long as you do also work on your personal development, I think you will be fine.

Put together a really clear plan about how you want to improve yourself. Set yourself some targets and goals with deadlines so when you talk to your mother she gets a definite idea of what you are going to achieve and when. I know I would be worried if someone I cared about said they were going to drop out of uni and read personal development books! Worrying can seem like anger or nagging because deep down this person cares for you, they don't understand your values or goals.

You mother will want to know why you can't be at university and follow your goals as well. You will need to create a plan to show her what you are going to achieve, or maybe re-think why you can't acheive goals AND get a degree at the same time. When I was at uni, I studied hard, worked 16 hours per week, wrote articles for a magazine and have a very active social life so it can be done!

I get the feeling you want to drop out of uni to create a refuge for yourself. I get the feeling you want to hide out for bit. I might be wrong here. Your bruising will have gone down in a few weeks so if you had your surgery at the start of the summer holidays, you would be back in the autumn and no-one would know. You certainly don't need a whole year to recover from an operation.

I'm not going to say, don't have surgery and love yourself instead. However I am going to point out that you said that you don't like being seen as vulnerable and also that you don't want to be seen with bruising. That suggests to me that you don't love all of yourself, you only accept the strong face you put on to the world.

Can you find a way to love the vulnerable part of yourself, the part that doesn't have all the answers and needs help and emotional support. I'm guessing from what you've posted about your upbringing that you surpressed this side of yourself a lot and dislike it. When you can find a way to be ok with being vulnerable with those that you love I think you will be ok.

Once you've had your surgery, you will have to face life without any excuse to hold you back. That can be very scary! It's also a great place to be as you then really do have to go for what you want.

Excellent post, thank you. I appreciate the fact that you remembered my previous post! (In that post I only mentioned the gynecomastia, because I didn't want to "overwhelm" readers with a deluge of information. I like to focus on one thing at a time)
I am glad to say I am emotionally balanced and psychologically healthy, and would not ever go down the road of finding increasing flaws and going under the knife to fix them - no WAY! All I want are these basic things fixed. And then - the scary part, like you said - having no excuses and facing the world head on, so to speak.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Sivodna

It's just the way we're wired to dole out romantic, holistic advice to people that ultimately is not realistic or accurate psychologically.

You know, you can wholeheartedly disagree with the method (learning to love yourself), but I don't think that someone in your position (i.e. one of denial--not to be harsh, just being upfront and real with you) is qualified to deem what is "ultimately realistic or accurate."

I'm not trying to be ignorant, but most of modern psychology (which has changed millions of people's lives) is based on the idea of learning to love yourself and accept yourself shortcomings and all. I would call that very realistic and a foundational cornerstone of psychology.

As I told you before, by all means do what you feel you have to do to your physical appearance (I actually encourage you to do that), but don't be surprised if this self-loathing is still waiting there for you on the other side. That's why I'm saying that the thing which you resist the most is probably the thing that can help you the most if you were to just open your mind up to the possibility.

[Sivodna]

Originally Posted by James81

You know, you can wholeheartedly disagree with the method (learning to love yourself), but I don't think that someone in your position (i.e. one of denial--not to be harsh, just being upfront and real with you) is qualified to deem what is "ultimately realistic or accurate."

I'm not trying to be ignorant, but most of modern psychology (which has changed millions of people's lives) is based on the idea of learning to love yourself and accept yourself shortcomings and all. I would call that very realistic and a foundational cornerstone of psychology.

As I told you before, by all means do what you feel you have to do to your physical appearance (I actually encourage you to do that), but don't be surprised if this self-loathing is still waiting there for you on the other side. That's why I'm saying that the thing which you resist the most is probably the thing that can help you the most if you were to just open your mind up to the possibility.

Another cornerstone of psychology is the fact that most people are loathe to say "I was wrong". It's basic cognitive dissonance reduction.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I just got gynecomastia surgery, and I feel FANTASTIC. I was jumping for joy! So much darkness in my soul just seeped out and got replaced by positivity. I can put this part of my life behind me now.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Sivodna

Another cornerstone of psychology is the fact that most people are loathe to say "I was wrong". It's basic cognitive dissonance reduction.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I just got gynecomastia surgery, and I feel FANTASTIC. I was jumping for joy! So much darkness in my soul just seeped out and got replaced by positivity. I can put this part of my life behind me now.

Good for you, man.

[Holistic Star]

Brilliant news. I wish you all the best for the recovery.

Now you can get out there and face the world with nothing holding you back.

When you're up for it, I'd be interested to hear about your plans for your education and career.