i need help dealing with a death in my family

[leroy7]

I lived with my parents and brother. About 6 months ago my dad passed away of a heart attack. he was healthy, never had anything wrong with him he was 42, it was something i never thought would happen and i wasnt prepared to deal with. me and my brother are both 19 and in college. I was being the strong one in the family, trying to keep everyone together and not let things fall apart because of this. i was working two jobs and continued going to school full time. my mom fell into depression and is getting worse with each day. she smokes a carton of cigs a day with a bottle of whiskey. she doesnt work anymore and my brother dropped out of school, quit his job and stopped talking to everyone. ive been pretending im okay for so long to keep everyone else okay that its finally caught up to me and i dont know how i can get out of this depression and feel like myself again. my friends and even coworkers are worried about me. i havent been sleeping. every night i would wake up with a night terror. they make me leave bruises, hand prints, or scrathes on my legs. i clench my fists so hard, my nails make my palms bleed. so i dont sleep. ive been having panic attacks also. i went to the doctors but all they would say is its stress or depression. but i wont take any medicine. a few months after my dad died i moved out of my house. my mom has gotten so hard to live with and theres no way i can help her. my brother is on his way into the military to get away from her. i dont think im every gonna be healthy again. i hardly sleep i work every minute im awake just to distract myself, and im just exhausted and it seems even the times im happy, im still depressed about loseing my dad. i just want him back and i havent yet realized that cant happen. i feel like i cant go through everyday knowing hes not gonna be here. i cant look into the future knowing that im gonna be alone. still today ill think hes still here and i wanna go talk to him then i realize that he isnt. is there anyone out there that has any ideas on how to help me.

[Michelle]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like it is time for you to stop pretending everything is okay, when it is not. It sounds like it is time to stop hiding what is going on with you.

Ask yourself: What would Dad say now if he saw me? Would he want me to suffer so? Would he want that for Mom? How would he feel about the present state of the family?

I bet he would wish to visit a family honoring his life, their lives and life in general instead of one rolling around in pain and suffering.

That said, allow yourself time to grieve. You miss your Dad. It is not something which goes away in a day, a month, 6 months or a year. My 80 year old grandfather cried like a baby when his 101 year old mother died. If we are lucky to have good parents, their loss of can really take it's toll. The Dalai Lama once said "Those who have experienced the greatest sadness, are also capable of the greatest joy".

You may need to find someone to talk to. Someone who is outside of your family and outside of your pain. I am a big fan of psychotherapy, but you have to find a good therapist.

Another question: Is this the first time you are confronted with death? With the prospect of your own mortality? If yes, take this as an opportunity to examine your own beliefs concerning life and death, the afterlife, God and the Universe.

Is there a way you can honor your Dad's memory in your life? I think living your life to it's fullest and to the best of your ability is one way. Another way might be doing something for a heart organisation or completing a project your Dad would liked to have seen finished. Use your imagination and creativity to inspire you.

All the best to you!

[leroy7]

thankyou, what you said was very helpful and im going to look into doing those things. i think thats exactly how im suposed to be viewing this. thankyou

[C33]

... I lost my mom at 18 and just lost my Dad recently.( I am 40).I can relate to your pain.

It might seem for you that you will never be able to be happy again, but you will, and you will have the ability to be even more happy than most people, because you will have learnt at a very early age, what loss is. You will be able to seize every bit of happiness coming your way, you will have more compassion and will be able to love and relate to others on a deeper level.

Your dad didn t suffer. You didn t see his health dwindle.It is a comfort of some kind.

Family dynamics after the death of a parent, can get very screwed up. It can blow the family apart, and if the remaining parent becomes depressed, needy and starts relying on his/her children to keep him/her, hold him/her together, it can become very toxic. I don t know how you all got along before this sad event. Just make sure to protect yourself from other family members dumping their emotional stuff on you, just because you APPEAR to be the strong one. You should talk to your mother and let her know that you are her child, and even though you are an adult, and by all means being responsible and acting like one, she is the mother and she needs to take care of her own emotions, not dump them on you or your siblings.She should get some help for depression. Do not get trapped in the: "You are the only thing I have left now" discourse.

Right now you need to grieve. It is a process and it is going to take a lot of time. You will never be the same again, this is something to accept, and it is hard.

You need to talk to someone and get everything out of your chest. I would strongly recommend to see a therapist, to help you deal with your loss. You need to talk, you need to talk as much as you want and express what you feel inside.

As far as the nightmares and the hurting, it is not uncommon after a loss, it is your body telling you that it can t keep all the hurt inside, that it needs to come out. Do not be afraid of your dreams, if they are morbid, it is your rational mind trying to grasp on the idea of death, that maybe you were never confronted with.

I do not know what are your beliefs, if you are religious or spiritual. If you are religious, you might talk to a priest or a pastor. They usually are confronted with death on a daily basis. You could also read uplifting books about life after death, people who have had near death experience, anything that you believe in that will give you a positive image of death.

Also, I strongly suggest that you start being silly. Yes, silly. Find ways to make yourself laugh, go see stupid movies, watch comedies with your family. Usually people who go through a loss are supposed to keep a composed, austere and dignified attitude. Don t let yourself being stiffened in the body language of sadness. Do fun stuff with your family, go out to restaurants, go to the movies together. Watch uplifting materials, read humorous books. Find a way to bring a smile to your face. Maybe it could mean getting a pet, if you plan on being in one place for a while. I know that after the passing of my mother, my dad didn t want to get a pet, but he found a lot of joy when we gave him a puppy. Soon, he thought more about the puppy than his own self. It is a simple way to bring a smile and warmth in a family.

I wish that you find the strength you need to go through this. Warm thoughts.

[leroy7]

thankyou for your advice, its very helpful. im going to try and look on the optimistic sides you pointed out. My relationship with my brother has gotten stronger because of this but with my mom its just getting worse and worse. my mom tells me im never going to be able to understand her and that we think differently. so nothing i say to try and comfort her helps. i try to talk with her and be there for her but she doesnt let anyone near her. there was a good two weeks that id stop by the house every morning and take her out to breakfast and we talked a little then, but now we dont even talk. she doesnt want anything to do with me or my brother anymore now that my dad is gone. they were going through a divorce this last year in which i picked my dads side. for the longest time it was just me and my dad vs my mom and brother. they never did get divorced because of time but my mom feels guilty for all the fights and all the stress she put on him. i try telling her she didnt do anything wrong. i dont understand how to help her. she will miss him one minute and hate him the next. and its something thats very hard for us to handle is hearing our mom cuss about dad when something like this has happened. it goes the same for me and my brother she wants us there for her then she pushes us away. every one of my moms siblings wants my mom to get help but she refuses to. the way shes going i dont know if she will every be okay again. i dont know what will happen. the worst part is she puts all of this on my brother who loyaly wont leave her side. hes been through more than either of us, he was with my dad when it happened and tried to save him. and my mom tells him more than a mother should tell her child about her problems. shes been doing this to him ever since my parents werent getting along. and it makes him feel like he has to be the one to take care of her when he is the one that needs taken care of. i have thought about going to counceling of some sort but i dont know whats keeping me away. i think there are a lot of things i could do that i know would help myself that i procrastinate doing. thankyou for your input it has helped me alot. im gonna try and do some of what what you suggested.

[Lychee]

Leroy, I have nothing to give except my condolences. I'm very sorry *hug*

[Mayo]

Sorry for your loss Leroy.

Maybe you should try Seykota Tribe process, it's mainly focused for traders but not only.
If you are going to help your mother and brother form a tribe (well after all you are a tribe). I hope Seykota book can help you.

http://www.seykota.com/tribe/TT_Process/index.htm

http://www.seykota.com/tribe/Book/index.htm

I hope your family finds inner peace.

[joshbickford]

Leroy, sometimes when people are grieving there is nothing you can say. When you have the strength, be there for your mom. Even if it means to go and sit with her and say nothing, it will mean a lot to her someday.

I would recommend getting counseling. My mom took my brothers and I to counseling after my dad left (I know, not even close to the same) and it helped more than anything else to get through that tough time.

If money is tight I know a lot of pastors and churches have people on staff to help people through tough situations.

I wish you the best--

[Roni]

Leroy, I am so sorry about your loss.

At a young age, it is hard to understand how you can lose a parent when they are not yet "old".

My father passed when I was 27, he was 45. I went through pretty much what you are. Even the panic attacks and sleepless nights. My father passed in his sleep, so I was afraid to go to sleep. I too was afraid to go to counseling for fear of looking like there was something wrong with me. But I had to admit that I just couldn't handle this alone. I learned at counseling that there was nothing "wrong" with me. This was quite normal. What wasn't normal was how I was dealing with it. I wanted to look strong and like I was doing just fine. I never allowed myself to grieve. Counseling helped me to finally do that. Then I got to write down what I enjoyed about life with my father.

It did take me a while, but I am fine now. It has been 9 years and I have since lost many others. I lost my grandmother just days ago. It seemed so different because now I understand that this is just a part of life. Some of my people see this as a graduation to a different part of life. I love my family and know that they loved me. I also know that this was their time. They lived their life to the fullest. Even at 45 my father did alot in his life. He had 4 grown children and at the time had 4 grandchildren. For some reason he always said he wasn't going to live to be old. So he did whatever he could to make his life happy...which was to take care of his family. I think the best thing you can do to honor these people that we lose in our lives is to also live our lives to the fullest. I don't think they would want us to waste any of our time grieving for them.

Celebrate the life that they had...then celebrate the life we have before us. For some day it will be our time. And what things do you want to say that you experienced in your life?

I wish you the best. The best is yet to come.

Take care.

Roni

[leroy7]

thankyou for the reply, everything you said is exactly how i should be looking at things and doing things. i am going to look into counceling, i think my college has some type of counceling program. everyones posts here have been more helpful than id ever of thought and im grateful for the time. thankyou

[norbert]

leroy, I am so sorry for your loss. Some thoughts that might help.

I have lost my whole family. Realize that you are still alive and you are not alone. Unless you've lost everybody you usually take that for granted.

I don't know about the other people around your mom but it looks like you've taken the initiative to take care of her in this hard period.

Instead of having a discussion with your mom, try to listen to her. If she keeps saying you don't understand her, ask her to talk to you because you'd like to. Tell her it might take months or years until you finally get it but you don't care and still want to because she is important to you. Ask her to talk about your dad. Tell her that if she's not going to talk about him he'll never have the chance to let his son know him better.

Make her feel you need her. Tell her that you need her.

Finally, your dad still needs you. You are one of those special people on Earth who cared about him. He might not be amongst us anymore but if your life screws up too much you won't be able to tell wonderful stories about him to those who are important to you and who were important to him.

Please, start looking for ways to enjoy your life. My best friend just died at age 20. Think about your dreams and start making them come true. Think about your Dad's dreams and your common dreams and work on those too.

[marktb]

Try EFT man, it works wonders. Death is simply a change in consciousness. I know this doesn't help, but it helps to remember that you father isn't really dead, he's still with you but you cannot interact with him. Remember, you will soon be together.

[Redisbest]

Leroy,

I pray that you'll find some space to breathe. Death is hard, but part of death is recognizing the gift of life. Give yourself time to process things. It takes a long while.

Norbert,

I am sorry to hear about how you have lost everyone. Prayers for your soul to settle and for you to find other deep relationships in the future which will let you feel more whole.

[Love]

sends love.

[aabukar]

dear leroy,

very very sorry for your lost ... i wish i can help you or have an idea...
please dont lose hope and dont lose faith in yourself you are a strong person and although it sounds now very difficult to beleive in but one day things will get better with Gods will .... read inspiring books or join support groups maybe it will help you when you find someone else relates to you feel.


wish you all the best

[Kamma]

I lost my mum 6 years ago (I was 25) and it was a great shock. My advice to you is to let yourself grieve. I agree that you need to look to your future and think about what your dad would have wanted but you have still lost a big person and a big chunk of your life so don't put so much pressure on yourself to make sure everything is OK for all around you. Take it one day at a time for now.
When my mum died I lost all faith and feeling for my dad. We had never got on really well but it all just went downhill. Now I can say that we do get on well.
Just take your time getting over this. Spend time with your family and time with those who build you up.

My thoughts are with you
Take care

[blueflame]

Sounds to me like your mom might need some space. It is possible that you and your brother remind her of your father, so she is taking some of this out on you. If you give her a bit of time things should get better. Also, sometimes it helps not to be the strong one and show a little vulnerability. It can give someone else a sense of purpose in shaky times. Although it isn't the same, I lost my uncle at 16, whom I was very close with. Death can be difficult, but it is also a changing experience. Never forget who you lost, but try to make something positive come out of it. I'm sure that's what your father would want .

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by leroy7

i dont understand how to help her. she will miss him one minute and hate him the next. and its something thats very hard for us to handle is hearing our mom cuss about dad when something like this has happened. it goes the same for me and my brother she wants us there for her then she pushes us away.

Her anger is normal. It is Stage 2 of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's grief cycle. Your job is to help her transit to Stage 3, then Stages 4 and 5. Google, to find out more.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

[Liara Covert]

Hi leroy7.
My condolences for your loss. Alongside previously-mentioned suggestions, I would suggest you visit your local library. In the psychology section, you'll likely find a selection of books about dealing with grief and loss. As well, I would highly recommend authors like Deepak Chopra and Elizabeth Kubler- Ross who have written on death and dying. Consider also this option: Home with God: In a Life That Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsch.

[stellabeam]

My best friend died suddenly when he was 42.

I felt like I wanted to die too. I stopped trying to live the life I wanted to live and went into a grieving mess.

I thought it was too hard.

After a while I realised noone was going to take care of me. So I stopped wishing that they would and began to look after myself. I saw myself as my dearest friend or my own child. She was desperately in need of care. I did not know how to really do it so I just started with physical care.

Good nutrition helps. Routine helps. When kids eat crap and don't go to bed on time it does their head in. Adults are the same. Work out what you would do if you were your own kid. If your best friend were in your situation what would you do? At this point would you be putting other people's needs before yours?

Exercise, especially gentle stretching is good for grief.

Find someone who has lost someone and comfort them.

Well done for asking for help. Well done for taking space from family. Spend time in nature. It's important.

Sending love

[hotwired]

For me, when my Dad died last year, it was all about honoring him. Still the pain, but a "sweet" pain. I'd describe it as instead of my heart breaking, it broke open. I played guitar and sang at his funeral, and made this video of him, which is pretty easy to do and you can do too, I'm sure. It was about healing, that's all. Finding what made him great and just bathing it that greatness.

http://centralmaineweb.com/dad/we-miss-you.wmv