My life feels so wrong...haha

[colbycheeze]

So I'm not 100% sure why i am writing any of this, I suppose I am just sharing and perhaps someone has a comment or feels like talking hah. As you read this keep in mind I am not depressed, sad, or lonely. In fact I am quite excited and happy about life, as I always am. However, I am generally quite confused...

So I've come across some "hard times" as some would call it...well in reality I kind of accepted that I would be in this situation about 4 months ago and I just didn't feel like changing it. Perhaps I really wanted it for myself. Who knows.

What's the situation? Well, no job and I have about 10 bucks to my name and I'm being evicted tomorrow. Well for some reason I just keep thinking, all of this is happening for a reason and everything is going to work out just perfectly, regardless of the overwhelming odds against me.

Last night I was speaking to a buddy of mine online who I've actually never met before...just someone I talk to on Windows messenger. We were just discussing things and somehow got on the subject of my situation and he just decides to send me 300 bucks. Wow. I was thinking, "hrmm, I just knew that the 10 dollars left wouldn't be an issue and bam, that happens."

Also I was speaking to another guy who recently got promoted to the store manager at his job and was telling me he needs to hire some people...and wants to know if I could come work for him ( he doesn't even know my situation )

Anyways, I just find everything that happens to me interesting because it seems that everything that happens is a result of something I have thought up in my head. Some might say, "Well why would you choose to be homeless?" Well...that's another story. I suppose basically I am just sick and bored of the usual sitting at home day after day and I really needed a change. I guess I just manifested a little bit of danger and excitement into my life.

I am not afraid or worried at all, and in fact I'm not really sure what to think. There are plenty of things that I would like to do, although I have somewhat low energy right now. Perhaps I will have to start eating better and exercising in order to get anything done. The thing is though, for the last month or two I've lost interest in most food.

I've been eating raw vegen for about a year now, however all of the sudden I just can't stand eating greens any longer..and I can just barely stand to eat the only thing I have been eating for the last month now which is a banana or an apple or some orange juice. I've basically gotten by on about 2-3 bananas a day and maybe an apple for the last month. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but perhaps that has something to do with my low energy.

Regardless of all that though...for the last 2 or 3 years I've read over 100 personal development books and articles and websites...and I've tried to do the whole plans and goals thing and strive to be a millionaire or do this and do that...but I'm just sick of it.

I think I'm just to the point where I want absolutely nothing. My new goal in life is to just...be. I don't think I really want to be homeelss necessarily, but I really don't want to have a home either. I'm just bored of it. These all seems very wrong in my logical mind but it feels so right for some reason.

I just want to live without plans, and without goals and without striving to be some image that society decides we must all reach for. I don't want the "american dream" I don't really know what I want. I've spent hours of journaling, meditating, and thinking to try and figure out what my real goals and are and what I really truly want is...and it always just leads to frustration. Perhaps I just don't want anything at all?

In any case. I suppose I'll be ending this long meaningless post now. If you have any relation to anything I just said or can make sense of it I'd love to hear. If you have any stories to share about how your life feels wrong also that's cool too

[Asten]

Wow. I don't have much else to say other than that's really interesting and keep updating. I'd be curious to see how this plays out for you and what you discover about yourself.

As for the low-energy, I'm an advocate for raw-animal foods, ie: the raw paleolithic diet (there's quite a few sites if you google it).

A lot of people on it come from vegan/vegetarian/fruitarian backgrounds for various reasons: they didn't feel like it was as healthy as they'd hoped, or that it was too complicated (keeping track of nutrition, amino acids, etc), or actually suffered severe health problems, so they tried some variation of paleo/raw-paleo.

It's just something you might look at if it rings anything for you. I understand going vegan for the animal cruelty factor, if that's part of the reason you've chosen to. I look at plant and animal life as equal, but everyone is different.

Throwing it out there in case it's desired. Regardless, I hope you find something to help your energy.

[MartinP]

How about just enjoying life, and being happy with what we have.

Isnt that what Eckhart Tolle tells us to do in the Power of Now?

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by MartinP

How about just enjoying life, and being happy with what we have.

Isnt that what Eckhart Tolle tells us to do in the Power of Now?

Yup, Eckart Tolle even goes so far as to encourage people to let go of - not only their life story - but their conscious thoughts. All this to achieve a state of what could be called "pure awareness".

[colbycheeze]

Tolle is a great author, and I can agree with a lot of things he has written. I could relate to the fact that perhaps I am just subconsciously trying to relinquish myself of the "ego" that he speaks about in his book, "A New Earth"

I generally don't ever linger over anything that happens in the past and I am not "worried" about what will happen in the future. I tend to live myself in the now and I just enjoy my life moment for moment with the expectation that everything will always work out for the best.

We'll see where it leads me.

[aggie]

first of all i wish you well...i can relate a little...i believe in a higher power that will help me when i can do no more myself...but i guess i believe in a little bit more proactivity i life...i guess because i want more, but we all have to follow our calling. my life is comfortable...but by no means without worries, problems, and doing without...but sometimes i still feel guilty...wondering what life is really all about and going through what i call my Mother Theresa complex, where i wonder if some of us are just not meant to chuck it all, do with the bare minimum and help others that are so needy in this world...and other days i want it all!!!!! ( i am a gemini) but seriously if this feels right to you and you can stay safe and healthy ( i am a little concerned about you lack of food intake...that can cause the mind to be a little less sharp and you need to have a strong mind and a strong body for your undertaking) i have been a vegetarian (now i do fish, dairy)...and lack of nutrition can break down the body and the mind. good luck.

[codenamesmiley]

Maybe it is that time in your life to learn that faith CAN take you real far?

[ShiningLight]

Hey Colbycheeze, let me say that I can relate to everything you are saying - in fact, it sounds eerily strange to my situations.

I think what happens is that we go through a major paradigm shift and this period of transformation causes "disturbances" in our life. That's a good thing, people will react to change in their own ways. I became despondent, disillusioned. But I always realized I was creating all of it - it was all happening to propel me forward - to make me grow. I actually enjoy the obstacles, burdens, and adversities. In fact, I don't even see them that way anymore.

The strangest thing is that my life has been constantly in line with the changes I see in our world.

In short, keep on moving forward. Keep on pursuing things that keep you interested.

[cacheborn]

Great post and attitude. When I started reading, I thought it's going to be one of the usual posts but it turned out to be very interesting.
Good luck with your endeavor.
Keep us posted.

Note to self: Now you have to read Tolle. Every time you postpone, someone mentions what a great book it is.

[MartinP]

Since we mention Tolle, (actually I think i did :-), he talks about trying to remain in the present moment throughout the day? In his book "A New Earth", he talks about taking a moment out of the day, and just being aware of your breathing. Not changing your breathing, but just noting it coming in and out.
He even says something like, being aware of your breathing can be more powerful than meditation.
Has anyone on here tried it?

[colbycheeze]

I've tried doing the "15 minutes a day" or w/e meditation thing, however it always feels uncomfortable and I never seem to stick with it.

What has worked for me is simply trying to constantly move to a concious meditative like focus frequently throughout the day. For instance, while in the shower I will use that time to call attention to my breathing and the sound of the water. During stops in traffic I will clear my mind and focus on breathing.

Also any other lulls in the day that I can consciously bring myself to this state I do. It keeps me in a constant positive state.

It isn't always just the breathe either. I believe it is also simply the act of being conscious of something that has been there, but which you did not REALLY notice in the noise of the day or which you generally tune out, such as the periodic sound of the wind on the trees, or the sound of the birds or really anything like that.