Stagnation

[sri.k]

This could be one of those hundreds of lamenting posts. But, after having registered here, I couldn't help feeling lighter.

I am 24, have a wonderful husband and an upcoming kid, an unplanned one. I do have an excellent relationship with my husband...he is caring, loving, strong, all that a woman could ask for. But, we have a lot of unhappiness because I am mentally unprepared for the kid and while most others in my age are enjoying the freshness of adulthood, I feel very old and out of life already.

While my life has been moving faster than I'd like it to, one part of my life is suffering stagnation - academic. I have wasted loads of my husband's money in incomplete courses and unsuccessful exams. I seem to be stuck into a kind of habit of starting something with full force and determination and just letting it go somewhere half-way only to be filled with remorse eventually. I do read a lot of self-development articles, material etc but somehow can never tune my mind into following the techniques because I am unable to tailor it to my needs. With a kid being due just anytime now, I feel all the more loaded with responsibility. The thirst to achieve, the yen to move forward, the responsibility of family and the kid and the inability to do anything about my progress is making me feel that I've messed up my whole life irreversibly.

Until 20, I was an excellent student and therefore set very high ambitions which needed complete concentration, will and hard work. With marriage and other responsibilities, I think I lost perspective and my concentration diluted. With every failure in academic pursuit, I've come to doubt myself excessively and I feel I am suffering a big loss of enthusiasm now. I've started to feel that the gulf between where I want to be and where I am is ever-widening. This makes my otherwise cheerful personality dull, lifeless and negative, which is now affecting my perfectly happy marriage too. My husband who was once supportive has now started giving up on my abilities - or so I start to think due to poor self-esteem.

After reading Steve's article about graduating in just three semesters, I was trying to incoroporate his techniques, but they just don't fit my situation as I am not a regular student. Could someone please suggest how to get out of this stagnant phase and elevate myself into an achiever, without compromising on the enjoyment I owe to myself and my husband on the upcoming kid?

I don't know if my post is coherent but I hope someone here is able to read inbetween lines and offer guidance I so badly need.

[Milo Riano]

I don't believe in trying things out. It's either you make it or you don't. It's either you win or lose.

Before you decide on something ask yourself first how much commitmen you are willing to pour into it. Once you decide you will then go for it, otherwise, find somethings that is worth your commitment.

[mtrimpe]

Originally Posted by Milo Riano

I don't believe in trying things out. It's either you make it or you don't. It's either you win or lose.

No no no, either you know instantly what you've won or it takes you some time to realize what you've won.

I've been trying to force myself to finish college for almost 4 years now after dropping out, and I'm even the kind of student that can get straight A's with 3 or 4 hours of effort a week.

The lesson I'm learning now is that I beat myself up for not being willing to take 'the easy way out'. I try to force myself in vain to do the things I don't truly believe are right and then beat myself over the head for not being able to force myself to take the easy way out.

It might seem strange, but isn't college the 'easy way out', don't you somehow expect that after you've gotten that piece of paper saying you know what you're talking about you will suddenly have a future again?

[mtrimpe]

without compromising on the enjoyment I owe to myself and my husband on the upcoming kid

By the way, this sounds like your 'hard way'.

[PMcDonald]

You are an underachiever because you believe you are an underachiever. You never finish anything because you believe that you won't finish anything, most likely through some sort of conditioning unbeknownst to you while growing up.

In order to achieve and conquer any goal, you have to decide that you are going to conquer it. That comes first - make the decision that you are powerful and can change and that you are not simply a victim. You can do anything you want to, you just don't happen to know it yet.

Reading self-development books and articles are great, but are you actually applying any of the principles?

Are you journaling? Are you examining any limited beliefs you have and then turning them around? Are you affirming positive thoughts?

One other suggestion - start by making a list of the things you are good at. Anything and everything counts. Then celebrate it. Rejoice in your successes and get yourself in a success mindset and then tell yourself that you absolutely can change.

Hope this helps.

[sri.k]

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

It might seem strange, but isn't college the 'easy way out', don't you somehow expect that after you've gotten that piece of paper saying you know what you're talking about you will suddenly have a future again?

Oh so true. I can't wait to have that piece of paper!

[sri.k]

Originally Posted by PMcDonald

You are an underachiever because you believe you are an underachiever. You never finish anything because you believe that you won't finish anything, most likely through some sort of conditioning unbeknownst to you while growing up.

This is true. Over time, I have started questioning my own ability. What once was easy and straightforward now seems like an ordeal to tackle. Thanks for your insight. Sure, it helps.

[Liara Covert]

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."-Confucious

I concur with PMcDonald. Reading self-help books and applying ideas differ. A journey of a thousand miles begins in your mind. You envision the goal or place you wish to be, then you decide you're going to make the journey, then you take the first step.

Consider this story: A Kansas farmer found a sick eagle chick in one of his fields. He took the baby eagle back to his home to nurse it back to health. At first, the eagle improved and the farmer put it in with the young chicks in his chicken pen. Although the eagle did well during the first weeks, it began to grow listless and seemed to be losing its strength. The farmer feared the young eagle was going to die after all.

Then an inspiration hit. He packed the eagle in his pickup truck and headed west for the Colorado mountains. When he arrived at the eastern edge of the Rockies, the farmer took the young bird deep into the foothills. Then, he held the eagle in his arms and pointed its head to the mountain tops where the wind was blowing and an occasional eagle cried out as it traced the currents of the mountain winds. A strong shudder coursed through the eagle's body and it spread its wings as a new strength seemed to surge through the bird. It stood and leaped into the air, caught a strong breeze and soared into the sky. Misty eyed, the farmer watched as the majestic bird cried out what seemed to be a farewell.

This story is a parable of contemporary life. The truth is that many people do not make the most of our potential. They buy into the thinking of how bad it is in the chicken coop and don’t even know the mountain and the winds. These people choose to cluck along through life instead of learning to soar. Rather than waste energy on where you're not and what you aren't doing, focus instead on how changing your attitude will help you live a more meaningful life.

[C33]

Hum, it looks like you are being bummed out by having good things into your life.

First of all, let me tell you that in this day and age, I do not believe in unplanned parenthood. We live in a society that provides birth control and abortion. Therefore if you have a child, it is not unplanned, it is your choice.

I do not have children but from I have gathered from my friends who do:

One is never ready to be a parent, and if they think they are, they will find challenges on their way that proves them there is no such thing as perfect planning in this matter.

People who have children become masters at time management.

Life is not over at 24!

If you really want to go to college, you will find a way.

Your child will not be 100% of the time with you, it might take a bit of time, but it will eventually go to school and leave you with more options.( That is: if you are an at home mom).

You never finished anything: big deal! A lot of people do not even START anything.
Don t beat yourself on the head for what you didn t do well, and take the time to enjoy what you do have, and to look forward to having this baby in your life.

My bet is that when you see your baby for the first time, all fears will go away and you will find new strength and motivation.

You seem to have a great support system in the person of your husband, feel grateful.

It seems quite normal to be freaked out by the new responsibilities coming your ways, but, on the other hand, you have more possibilities as well, different ones. You will get more love in your life.

There are a lot of women who managed to raise children while going to college and even working. Maybe you can find inspiration from women who have been there and can encourage you positively in your goals.