Fear and Regression

[blatant]

In about 2007, I had a sudden 'awakening.'

Suddenly, math seemed a whole lot easier than it used to. I could literally 'feel' math in my head and I could also intuitively figure out lots of material I read before finishing the article. I could also begin to see the colors behind music.

During this time, my relationships with others improved as well. I am normally a rather cold and blunt person. However during this time, I was really nice and sweet and people made comments about how different I was.

Also, I think that I was rather happy during this period as well. Or at least was more at peace. My grades were good, my friends were good, everything was basically good.

Except for one thing: during this 'vibrational' state that I was in, I began to realize that men were much more-so attracted to me. And these people weren't the usual guys that I could easily turn down. I attracted the attention of someone who was highly desirable and popular. And I had no idea what to do, because I have had no experience with men and was completely naive and inexperienced.

In any case, it ended up making me so uncomfortable that I began to forcefully push people out of my life. And then I regressed back to being my old self.

I was actually rather heart-broken over the entire incident for over a year (no, I never got into a relationship. but even getting over a deep crush for me is very difficult).

During that time, knowledge no longer sat so easily with me. Numbers stopped being special, and I stopped exploring and learning as easily as I used to. I also dropped my 'loving' state with people.

After I recovered emotionally, I became my old self again. Cold, prone to being petty and jealous, mean, entitled, etc.

And I don't know how to ever go back to the state of euphoria and almost-enlightenment that I used to be.

I just never want to ever become attracted to another person like that ever again, or have them feel the same way towards me. It's scary and I don't know how to handle it. But I know that in order to go back to that vibrational state that I was in... then men will once again like me more than I want them to.

And all I want is to quietly live my life. I don't want to fall in love or do anything too complicated. But I miss being nice and learning at a deeper level and having a higher awareness and better social skills.

I guess the two come hand-in-hand??

[Holistic Star]

Hi Blatant,

Are you male or female? I'm not sure from your post.

You seem to have a lot of fear about being attractive to men. I'm assuming that there was nothing inappropriate about the gestures these men made to you and were the kinds of gestures that show genuine interest in someone. What made them so scary to you that you had to reject them?
I got the feeling that it wsn't from just lack of interest, (i.e. not because you didn't fancy them, but because you were overwhelmed) what do you think lead you to be emotionally overwhelmed?

I can see why you want to access that state again, but the idea that you can't be attractive to men is obviously causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. How you would feel about clearing some of that stress and anxiety around the issue and learning some empowering strategies that mean you manage the additional attention with clear boundaries about what you personally find acceptable? Would that be more desirable than thinking "I just never want to ever become attracted to another person like that ever again, or have them feel the same way towards me." because living with that thought sounds very stressful to me! Who would you be without that thought?