Passion = Pain
 

Hi All, This one is kind of long, just so you know what you're getting into.

Here's what I turned to the forums for. I'm not looking for answers, I'm looking for perspective.

When I was a kid, like 5 or 6, I remember seeing some diaper commercials with naked babies in it. These impacted me deeply in ways I still can't comprehend fully. I know it had something to do with the corruption of growing up, and being unable to return to a state of purity. It also said something about the power of media, which is probably the reason I pursued it as a career path. Basically, I remember feeling terrible when these would come on, and one day, I simply willed the feelings to stop, and they did.

I can't recall feeling anything as emotionally powerful and all-encompassing since, just echoes of that single emotional moment, frozen in time. I've found the place in my life where I am ready to explore what it means to be alive, fully aware and expressed. But it's as though every emotion is filtered through the pain of that original event, it's cold, tight and uncomfortable. Even what you would consider to be joy, love or feeling connected...

I've tried exploring this feeling in every way I know how. I've reached the point where I can generate it by thinking about inspiring things, but as soon as I turn my attention towards the feeling, it vanishes. Just as I trained myself to do, long ago.

So, I'm trying to do work, you know, the real work, not the grind work, and maybe this is what has led me to pursue a very... scattered approach to life, instead of focused with passionate intent, and maybe it's just an excuse to avoid confronting my fears regarding complete destruction of every part of my life. Regardless, I find that finding the passion is easy for me, it's maintaining it, and continuing to build momentum, since it goes away so readily.

So two things I'd like your perspective on,
1) broadening emotional depth and range, and
2) maintaining, exploring and expressing these feelings

Before you think I'm being dramatic, or living a horrible twisted existence, no, it's neither of those (although I might be a *little* dramatic). I'm often happy, it just doesn't register as a feeling besides what I described above.

I look forward to your thoughts, and thanks.

my perspective is that I want to change my emotional depth by letting go of my ego
I am always in a constant battle with it -when I know instinctively that I will not win this war

so I am going back to study the art of being in the present which is said to be the path to freedom from the ego

:)

May I suggest an easier equation?

Passion = Hugs

Well, what are hugs to me? Everything. From women to cars to abundance to what people consider grind to everything in my reality. What is a hug? A real hug? An unconditional touch, a giving without a need for receiving. Love.

Therefore, Passion = Love also works :)

My entire being is full of feeling, that's my core. Just giving without using logic is how I feel everything and do amazing in life. How I write isn't very logical at all, as is very evident in this post. It's pure flow.

You are obsessed with that past memory. Just realize that it's insignificant and you'll be alright. How? You can make that kind of significant momentuous memoria right now. Just go out and do it! I can't give you the instructions to do this.

I can only share my joy, of passion, of life. And hope you get a little taste, from my lyrical poetry ;)

I agree with Arthur's point of view.
Passion=love and love is being open in the present and willing to give -however small and minor this giving may seem to you- without expecting to receive.

I find that when I get in this "mode" I feel happy and alive.

I am not sure if this is where you come from too; I know for myself that I have been repressing every feeling (actually I thought it was the bad ones I repressed, but it turns out that in doing so you repress also the good ones).
So I have reached a point where I was not really feeling anything- or at least never intensely.

In the beginning you may have to "urge" yourself to act against your natural habit, and just do/say this good spontaneously, thinking you are simply offering a gift to someone (or the Universe). Especially with people it always inspires me to see the happiness in their faces.

Just my two cents...

I suspect you made a decision about yourself in that moment, and every choice you've made since then has been unconsciously informed by that initiating incident. You've "willed" the feelings to stop, but the decision is still running you. We tend to spend a lot of time trying to prove the decision is wrong and at the same time avoiding people finding out that it's right -- which is exhausting!

What do you suppose you decided about yourself, so that your little 5 or 6 year old self could cope with what you say, with the resources that you had then?

TIME Techniques can help you release that old decision, and your old stored up negative emotions, too. I recommend it!

You will be trully happy and feel deep emotions when you experience something really fulfilling in your life. Maybe you cannot express your emotions because of the things that you have in your environment.

Also, if you really understand why you become so emotionally detached, you should accept that this was just an experience that formed you, but as you realise that you do not have to be on the same path, now you can change the direction you are heading to.

I know it is quite abstract what I am telling you, but I hope you will understand it.

The solution will come when you realize that emotions are not something you can maintain. You can't control the flow of emotions, all you can control is how you react to them and your attitude about them.

As such, you should realize that passion will come and go, wax and wane. Other emotions will water it down and flush it out, but it'll return.

So instead of focusing on maintaining passion, instead focus on experiencing the full range of your emotions and allowing yourself to enjoy each of them (even the painful ones). Don't allow any one emotions to become chronic, though, because that will throw you out of balance (even chronically GOOD emotions can be damaging to you).

Emotional depth is a matter of permission. You have to give yourself permission to experience the emotions that you are confronted with. Then, once you experience them, you gotta find ways to move past them and onto the next emotion...the next experience.

Stop focusing so much on one single emotion and start focusing on the experience. Once you learn that, you'll learn contentment. when you learn contentment and patience, you'll find growth and expansion will come naturally. I know that seems contrary to what you may think (or others will tell you), but the worlds most deepest truths are contrary to popular opinion.

The distress you are experiencing now is a consequence of blocking out certain feelings when you were younger. As Angela correctly points out, the decision you made back then to suppress uncomfortable feelings has resulted in the baggage you drag around with you to this day.

Baggage that dulls your passion, dulls your sense of aliveness, dulls your ability to feel any of the other emotions intensely. The work you have to do now is to start living authentically, that is, to acknowledge, own and feel ALL your feelings. When you live in an integrated fashion with your feelings, then you will feel truly alive, then will feel passion intensely. But as long as there is a denial of your true feelings you will suffer inevitable distress.

Sometimes to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings we make bad choices for ourselves and end up living a life we dont really want. As part of your exploration, maybe you can consider if you've made any decisions like this? If you have, maybe you can consider making new, more empowering choices and in the process facing the uncomfortable feelings you've been avoiding with the knowledge that a new, more meaningful and purposeful existence awaits you.

I found this to be the most helpful, but thank you everyone for your input.

To clarify, I don't consciously dwell on that event, it's what appears to be the source for the nullifying emotion response.

Anyways, here's to experiencing life fully, without expectation.