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| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
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Betrayal 
05-04-2009, 12:41 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Australia
Posts: 169
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Betrayal I guess is the feelings that someone you know and trusted going behind your back and doing something deliberately to either hurt or annoy you. Thats just my definition so don't take it as an exact proper dictionary or psychological statement... I guess before you can get past issues you really have to know what they are and what you need to do to deal with those. Can you give us more information? |
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05-04-2009, 12:57 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: NY
Posts: 19
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Over 2 years ago my husband of 24 years left for our much younger employee. She pretended to be my friend and I though she was great. They both committed this betrayal it in a very humiliating way for me, since we all worked in the business together. If he could be completely out of my life I think I would be able to heal faster but the two of them live close by, we have 2 children, and I am still financially dependent on him, until the economy picks up anyway. So I have to deal with him. I can't get past the hatred I have for my now ex and his "girlfriend". I know I invested way to much in my ex and our marriage. I should have recognized him as a man of no character long before this happened. I was given plenty of signs. I guess I am having a hard time forgiving myself for this bad investment also. I'm tired of carrying this around but don't know how to unload it. |
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05-04-2009, 02:28 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
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I could not get past it, until I could forgive the person who betrayed me. That doesn´t mean that I forgot, I would never go into business with them again, but I am not angry anymore at them. I am angry at the situation, if I place myself at the same place in the past I still get angry, but it does not effect my current relationship with those people. Time is the only thing that gets you over it, that, and trying to see things from the other persons point of view. |
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05-04-2009, 02:36 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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Mariusa, what would be possible in your life if you DID get past it? What would you be doing, seeing, hearing, feeling, if you were able to forgive them and forgive yourself and be really living the life of your dreams NOW? What would be going on in this new, ideal life of yours? |
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05-04-2009, 03:31 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 814
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I have experienced more than one humiliating betrayal. The one thing that does not heal is time. That passive approach unfortunately is a form of repression and what we repress is alive and well and growing and will emerge in a destructive way when we become too weak to keep the repression up. Forgiveness is the answer but when the pain is raw the time for forgiveness is not yet ripe. In my life, I have found great help for myself by using an analogy of physical pain for my psychological/emotional pain. I have learned that when the pain controls my every minute then the equivalent physical pain is having been run over by a Mack truck. I am in the hospital bed broken to pieces. No amount of will will have me up and walking until some healing takes place first. I personally love EFT. It gives me something to do (tap) while the pain is acute. While I do not personally (though some may) experience automatic (quick) healing when my pain is acute, the tapping and the phraseology become a salve and bit by bit the healing enters in and starts to grow. When the pain no longer consumes my every moment, then I begin to apply the next step - I open the door to the first steps of forgiveness. I also begin to take baby steps into creating a life for myself. The aftermath of a betrayal that goes to the core of who you thought you were and who you thought someone else was, someone whom you trusted with your life, is that it is very difficult to know who you are anymore. As a result it is difficult to move forward. But if believe that the healing is coming, then you will start looking for signs of healing. With each sign your belief with grow and as your belief grows your healing will grow. There may be times when your former husband or his "girlfriend" do something that sends you (figuratively) to your knees. But know that this will not undo all of your progress. It will be a set back but know that you are not regressing, just experiencing a blow to your wounded but healing being. It is not unlike getting knocked in your barely healing compound fractured calf. It hurts - enormously - but you will continue healing. It is not a quick process and it is painful but you will heal. Believing that you will heal will help ENORMOUSLY. You will need to find people who will support you. Some may be there for you only briefly - do not despair. Find encouragement whereever you can. Remember, if you were in the hospital after having been hit by a truck, your healing will occur to the degree of your determination. But even the most determined are allowed to rest and are allowed to grieve the loss. Your loss is extreme. You are grieving to the depths of your soul. Your healing will not be a straight line it will be up and down. Do not let that discourage you. When you are low, just remind yourself that that is part of the process and do not dispair. Keep believing that even though you are down you are not out. You are in a place where you need extra-special care. Last edited by WordKeeper; 05-04-2009 at 03:35 PM. |
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05-04-2009, 03:52 PM
| #7 (permalink) | ||||
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Kampala-Uganda, Malaba-Kenya, Kigali-Rwanda.
Posts: 985
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05-04-2009, 04:38 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 814
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Mariusa - I have to say that the post above would never have helped me. I continue to be astounded by the lack of empathy that we as humans display for one another. By dismissing emotional pain we create a world in which such pain is repressed rather than healed. Imagine going up to a child hospitalized with a bullet wound and gangrene. Get up. You must go on with your life. You can’t or you won’t, which is it? Is it impossible or just do not want to get going? It does not matter how you were wounded for it has already occurred and the way forward is through finding that innocent you were before you were shot. It is time to go back and forget about this wounding. You made wrong decisions. You should not have been where you were. The man who shot you is moving on and is not tied to the past (you) why don’t you wise up and move on. Your pain does does not affect him why should it influence you? You do not deserve this move on! Would that help? I think not. |
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05-05-2009, 01:07 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: NY
Posts: 19
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No, that post doesn't help. I don't wallow, most of the time. I am moving on with my life and finding me. I am working on building a new life and am doing a good job of it. I have a new career that I ABSOLUTELY love! I have work to do to get rid of this house and am doing it slowly, having to wait for the market to pick up. What would my life be like if I didn't have this hatred? I don't think it would be much different. I have a great relationship with my kids, I have friends, I'm planning travel, I date (Although that can be a painful reminder of where I am! Ugh!). All around things aren't bad. But sometimes, when I have to deal with him, the emotions come back. It not any pining of lost love. It's the callousness and utter disbeleif that this is what happened, my life turned upside down and his perception of me now being the opposite of what he lead me to beleive it was. I beleive he is a true narcisist. Hey, I certainly don't want that piece of crap back!! It's just shocking to be thrown in the garbage so easily by someone you thought had your back. It's the betrayal. |
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05-05-2009, 01:15 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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You asked why you can't get past it? Quote:
It would be like me asking, "Why can't I get past my dislike of that Oxyclean guy?" Well, it's because my life wouldn't be much different if I did -- so my focus is elsewhere. | |
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05-05-2009, 02:29 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Australia
Posts: 169
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05-05-2009, 02:50 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 814
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Mariusa - I see that you want to move forward and to get beyond the pain you are experiencing. Let me suggest that you begin shifting the language you are using. Substitute the question, "How do I get beyond the pain?" for "Why can't I ...?" "How do I get beyond my pain?" reflects your belief that you can once you know how. When you believe, you will look for and accept the right path when you come across it. Start there - look for your answer. It is before you. Last edited by WordKeeper; 05-05-2009 at 07:03 PM. |
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05-05-2009, 04:49 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1
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Betrayal is dishonesty. You can not get past it because you are focused on things not being the way you want them to be. The solution is to know yourself as clearly and well as you can. Forgivness will follow once self-knowledge develops. To thine own selves be true.
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05-05-2009, 05:11 AM
| #15 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: I'm a traveler everywhere and nowhere.. currently in Denver.. where else?
Posts: 3,618
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How exactly is it your husband's fault this happened? Can you accept the fact you create your own reality or is that too much of a step for you? Can you see from higher perspective that things were planned out for you that this experience was setup for you? My teacher says if you hate.. it will in fact make you into that which you claim to be.. basically if you send out hate you are hate.. you see.. It's not that helpful for you to you to be allowing these feeling.. Can you not see the experience as a learning experience?? to let go of all judgments about it.. to allow.. to know that you are a powerful creator and can experience the negative not just the positive.. You see.. you are playing the role of a victim when you are allowing that feeling.. and there is no victim without the allowance of a perpetrator.. It sounds like to me you are caught in some feelings of hopelessness and victimization sometimes.. it sounds like you lined up your life and your financial security around someone you don't wish to even be around.. And yet you have allowed and created all this.. try and push forward to the positive and maybe move up to a beginner message of loa.. abraham is what I would suggest as a good beginner teacher on making change through the power of loa and self empowerment.. But it will require a open mind and not being judgmental that you have not created/allowed these experiences.. You are also caught very much in limited beliefs of jealousy (which is betrayal I believe) ask these simple questions when you are feeling over whelmed.. Does it serve any purpose to bring up the negative for myself? (which in a way is what you have asked here..) Is it better to look forward or backward?? cause your looking back sometimes? I would highly suggest if your husband allows these feelings to come out in you.. that you #1 create your own financial security.. #2 move him out of your life via physical action or the power loa (loa being 200x easier) or come to terms with you have created and remove your jealousy or feeling of lack from the equation.. you are not a victim regardless if society tells you, you are.. or you believe it to be true.. understand that you have control of everything.. you can change that feeling around if you wish.. but that is your choice.. Understand that here you will not find a victim's sympathizer type board.. most practicing loa.. do not share the let's get together and share how we've been used/beaten/wallowed mentality.. that type of thing you might find more at a AA meeting, aids group etc. Many answers have been offered to you.. choose that which you resonate with.. have a nice day  Last edited by themaster; 05-05-2009 at 05:26 AM. | |
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05-05-2009, 05:32 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 128
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Big hug for you. I have been in your position and know how you feel. It takes a long time to heal the wound but I guess I could never get over the betrayal. I no longer considered my ex as a decent human being and as my friend. I avoid all contacts with him if I can help it. People said to me it has been a while just let it go but until you are being betrayed you can never understand what it feels like. In my heart, there is no room for forgiveness. I can forget but I still haven't forgive him for what he has done. You and I we should get together and have coffee or something. I am sure we can talk about betrayal until the cows come home. Having said all that, now it has been many years since I split up, I think that was the best thing that happened to me. I am so happy now that he no longer part of my life. Isn't it amazing how wrong we can be in choosing our life partner. Try to be brave. Take one day at a time. Concentrate your energy on your children, career, jobs, house, whatever takes your mind of the miseries. Take care of yourself, your mind and body, go on dates and have fun. Then suddenly one day you wake up the pain would be gone. You can't rush it just don't give it your attention. It is fortunate that you have a good career to fall back on, try to build on that and become financially independent so you don't have to keep working with him. |
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05-05-2009, 10:30 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 288
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mariusa {{{big hug}}} are you willing to heal yourself? do anything to get this thorn out? do you now choose to be free and let others be free as well with whatever choices they made? are you ready ...to let go? betrayal.is a loaded word.what helped me get over the feeling of being 'wronged' was byron katies the work. id go with angelas advise.it is unfortunate that you cannot cut yourself off from him totally so you can start healing.can you do something about that?complete disassociation? why not?look to your own self now.try EVERYTHING you can and decide to get out of this and you can.the mind is a bitc* it'll keep screwing with your happiness. |
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05-05-2009, 01:25 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,611
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I'd second looking at The Work by Bryron Katie. It really does help you change the way you see things. The other thing that really helps is thinking about all the benefits of it happening. What has happened now, that wouldn't have happened that is a benefit to you? Who have you met and felt supported by because of it? What have you learned that you wouldn't have otherwise have learned? Where are you stronger and more empowered because of it? Challenge yourself to write a list of 50 benefits of it happening. Be creative with your list. But one step towards moving on and putting something behind you is when you realise you got so many benefits from it, that you don't even need to forgive it! |
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05-05-2009, 04:42 PM
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New South Wales, Australia (GMT+10)
Posts: 970
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Hi Mariusa, I was reading through you posts in this thread and something caught my eye: Quote:
Basically, it seems like you're tearing your husband down in your mind, and I think that's what's causing the hurt--the suffering; the negative emotion--you're experiencing. The unfortunate part of doing that is it's only going to hurt you. I say this next statement with kindness and non-judgement: it is you who are hurting you, not your husband. Let me explain. It hurts to think poorly of someone you obviously cared very much about, and probably still do on some level, even if only a little. I know because I've done it. And I also know that when you stop using an event, or whatever has happened, as a reason to make them less than what they are, well... simply put, you stop being at war with yourself and other people--at war with life (which you are, and as is your husband. You are not separate from life. You, as well as other people, are life... and it's hurtful to think badly of what you are). Can you let go of what you are holding onto and relax into how things are now, without seeing what has happened as good or bad, but simply seeing it as it is? You have to be willing, as Angela said. For me, I always let go of my angry, hurtful thoughts firstly for love--because it pains me so much to think terrible thoughts about people and to look at them as less than they are. Secondly, I do it for truth. Part of me seems to care about being fully here and now more than anything else, and it is that part that sort of gives me the ability to see the fact that I'm feeling bad, and to remember that, "I don't have to do this. I can let go. Despite what my mind says should have happened, it feels good to let go and just be in the moment." I've found, though, that love and truth are similar. They may look different, but they're both very real--things that you experience when you're present and really feeling life; when you're paying attention and not using your energy to hold thoughts that just tear you up inside. I believe that when you let go, what feels good is the natural energy you feel when you aren't using that energy in a way that feels unnatural. Things may still be challenging if you manage to let go, but for the most part, it should be easier. You may not have the trust and same amount of connection you had with your husband, but you can let go of the thoughts that make you feel so terrible. The nice thing about life is that there is no "should." And the nice thing about letting go is that you can embrace what has happened, even if you don't understand it, and be ok with it. It's life. It really is good, even if it's hard to see it from this perspective. What happened and is happening now may not be what you desired, but you don't have to feel so terrible about it if you don't want to. And when you truly see the situation, you won't feel as bad (you might not feel bad at all), I promise. It's not you're natural state to feel bad. It is hard, hard, hard work to feel bad. You have to keep maintaining it. Once you let go just a little, in my experience, it just slips away. And you can find reasons to feel bad again, but you won't want to. You'll just see good. Not because reality matches or conforms to your expectations or desires, but because life is simply awesome, and boy does it feel good to truly see and feel it. If you would like some help letting go--if you would like to see some people go through the process--I would encourage you to watch the videos on Byron Katie's website. Perhaps start off with this video on YouTube first--it's one of my favourites: YouTube - Open Heart Surgery / Byron Katie (just under 8 minutes) … and here are my two other favourites from Katie's site: The Work of Byron Katie (10 minutes) The Work of Byron Katie (6 minutes) Ultimately, you're the one who gives yourself permission to heal. Nobody can heal you; only you can heal you. Other people can encourage you to do it, and create a space for you to do it, and tell you that you can do it so you begin to believe that you can do it, but in the end, you're the one who has the power to heal yourself. For me, healing is realising that there's nothing wrong with you in the first place--that there isn't anything broken about you or anything that you need to heal. To the degree you believe you're broken is the degree you'll feel bad, because it is so unnatural to you to see yourself as--to feel as if--you're broken or in need of repair. There is nothing wrong with you. The truth is, there is everything right about you. Much love to you, Mariusa. | |
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05-05-2009, 04:52 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New South Wales, Australia (GMT+10)
Posts: 970
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As a final note, I'd like to say that once you do start feeling good--once you do start to see truth--you'll have a powerful ability to see more of it. And it will burn through what isn't true. (At least it does in my experience.) A thought that you'd usually believe will come up, and then you see through it, or rather, you see the truth, and the fact that the thought is not true. And you'll be present. One other thing: try to be easy with all of this. Sometimes we can try so hard to feel better. Feeling better is your natural state. You don't have to induce it... you just have to let it be. Go outside into nature. Listen to some beautiful music. Watch some inspiring videos. Most of all, listen to how you feel; let that guide you. |
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