Bipolar Disorder

[StrongDizzle]

I've been dealing with depression undiagnosed for many years. It wasn't until a complete breakdown 4 years ago that I started getting any help from others and from myself. After fighting the mental health care system for over a year (which I still do today), I received a correct diagnosis. I've been on medication and in-and-out of therapy for manic depression for about 3 years.

I've made great strides from being trapped in bed for six months to now being in college at a good university. I am able to defeat my depressive episodes quite well, but my cycling is so rapid that it takes a small amount of stress or anxiety to throw me down again or a little bit too much stimulation to reach hypomania. I usually suffer quietly by myself until I can convince myself that everything is fine in order to get out of my room. I have constant fear every night of whether or not I'll be able to get up in the morning. My grades are slipping, and I feel as though I'm just wasting money by taking classes I can rarely attend. I go through phases of feeling worthless and lazy to feeling content and peaceful with my condition.

I have the tools and understanding I need to succeed. The problem is I can't always rely on being the same person everyday. I try focusing on consistency and balance in my life. It usually is gone by the time I wake up in the morning. I received a reiki massage from a mentor of mine. She said it was the first time she felt "scar tissue" around someone's chakra. I use this information and my understanding of my issues in my meditations. I also regularly practice the physical aspect of hatha yoga to try and calm anxiety.

My reasoning for listing all my practices is my hope that someone can suggest something else for me to do to try and at least find enough balance in my life that I can maintain a consistent sleep schedule and get out daily. My life currently consists of late-night mania that concludes around 6-7 in the morning at which point I pass out. I am able to sleep anywhere from 8-22 hours after a manic episode. Regardless of when I wake up, 95% of the time I awake into a deep depression. My attempts to regulate my sleeping always leave me in this same cycle.

I seem to have all the answers when I feel good. I know how to control my thoughts to fight depression, and I feel I have great spiritual insight. I just can't rely on always feeling this way. I avoid complaining and feeling sorry for myself, but this feels like hell on earth. Does anyone have any advice or a related story?

[WordKeeper]

StrongDizzle - it truly sounds that your medication is not correct. Your struggles with the mania are devastating. The proper dosage or correct dosage should help you stabalize those.

I am not bipolar but I did experience a horrendous period of prescription drug induced mania. It was one of the most miserable experiences I have been through. The fear that I might experience mania again haunted me for 3 or 4 years after I recovered.

My heart truly aches for what you are going through.

What resources do you have available to you? Is there good mental health service available to you through your college? You deserve the correct medication and dosage and you deserve to be free of the manic states.

I found the depression very, very difficult to manage but it was only a fraction of the difficulty of the mania.

Do not be hard on yourself for your dysfunction. You cannot perform when your brain does not allow you. You would not be so self-critical if you were in the hospital recuperating from a car accident. You must put at first priority getting the proper medication. That is first and when that is in place the other aspects of your life will be significantly easier to manage.

[benwa]

Hey Strongdrizzle, your words could be mine when you describe drifting in an out of what I will call "I get it-ness". I am Bipolar good luck.