Trust! ...and my baggage.

[openyourize]

I have lately found myself having trouble trusting my boyfriend. This is very odd because he is the greatest man I have ever met, and he has not given me one single sign that he would be untrustworthy. Every single day he shows me and tells me he loves me more than anything. He truly is a blessing and he even tells me he feels the same way about me.

I know this is happening because I have never had someone in my life love me like this before. My trust in others has been broken several times. I have been lied to several times. And I have been tossed away several times. I know I am feeling this way because my past issues are re-surfacing.

In the past 10 years or so I have done tremendous work and come very far in overcoming all this and learning to love myself and trust myself and be happy. I seriously am like 3000x happier and more confident than i was back then. But this process is never complete. It always comes back when you try to grow...

This lack of trust comes in the form of jealousy usually, or needing to know where he is and what he is doing all the time. I already know the specifics of why I feel this way and where it stems from and that it is only a reaction to my past, and not to present reality. It is EXCRUTIATINGLY overwhelming and I usually have a panic attack and feel like I have to throw up. Sometimes I feel like I have to check his emails or phone to see what he is up to but I know that is an invasion of his privacy. I actually have checked a couple times and found nothing of concern.

I have figured out how to talk myself out of this anxiety. I have talked to my boyfriend about it a little, but I don't want to over-talk to him about it because it makes him feel like I don't trust him, when he has not done a single thing wrong. NOT ONE! I have sabotaged relationships in the past when i have tried to deal with these feelings and I really do not want to do that this time. He is the best I could ever ask for.

I want to know if and when and how the pain will ever fully go away!!! I feel like I should go to a hypnotist or something!

Another thing is I have always wanted to write my autobiography. I started writing it and my parents got mad because they didn't want me to make them look bad, so I stopped. Last night I was thinking, I know I definitely want to write it... I was thinking I will need to write it in a way that doesn't make that look bad but that is impossible!! I wondered, is it wrong to want to expose them in the name of justice!? Maybe it is revenge on my part, is that so wrong? They are the most self-absorbed people in the world and happiness has been so difficult for me to achieve! I do feel like I want revenge, but I also want people to know that they have to stop being self-absorbed parents, we are slowly killing our children, and our society!!

[SimonaRich]

You can write a book, publish it and remain anonymous. That would be the best way out of such situation, in my opinion.

When you are feeling that you are getting needy or suspicious, you should talk yourself out of such feelings because the more you focus on them, the quicker your mood will go down.

So as soon as you notice that you are focusing on negativity, try to look at what you have positive in your life and concentrate on positive things as long as your mood improves.