How to get rid of this fear?

[AfteraDream]

Recently a lot changed in my life. I moved to a new country. I found my true values. My mission. Chose a medium to do it and am acting on it. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I have a feeling that I'm doing the right thing. But there is a fear still in me that I haven't defeated. I can't name it but can describe it.

I'm afraid of new situations where I have to communicate with people I don't know. I don't like it when there are too much new things in my life. That's partly because I'm introvert and prefer stability and home. But still I'm a Man damnit.. I shouldn't be fearing such things. Or maybe just being too sensitive about it. Maybe it's not fear I have to defeat but the sensitiveness. I have too much of it. I tend to forget things and words when in new situation with some pressure. I know english language pretty well, passed exam with flying colors but in real life I forget words and get a little lost..
That is what I need to defeat.. How could I do it?

[moriez]

I hear you brother. More or less I had/have the same sometimes. Ill try to give you some advice off the top of my head:

- First step might be: accept the fact that you are introverted and sensitive when around people. Accept it to the bone (which might take a long time). Accept that sometimes words slip your mind and if you can handle it, tell the person who youre talking to at that moment. ''Oops, it slipped '' or something. This will deflate your worrying that its surely the most stupid thing that can happen in a social situation. People will understand and (probably without letting you know) appreciate your courage for speaking openly about it.

- Step two might be: dont talk yourself down about that you cannot be introverted or cannot be sensitive. Yes you can! Its hard sometimes but everybody got issues to deal with. These are yours. Actually your ''issues'' can be very valuable in certain situations so dont think they are always crap. Introverted people could be more balanced in speaking out their opinions for example.

In other words, dont wish you were different or didnt have these characteristics but appreciate them. They are part of the person that you are now. By accepting them fully you will see what they really are and you can start shaving off those sharp nasty edges.

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by moriez

In other words, dont wish you were different or didnt have these characteristics but appreciate them. They are part of the person that you are now. By accepting them fully you will see what they really are and you can start shaving off those sharp nasty edges.

Thanx man!

This is probably the best advice. Looks easy on paper, but...

[Roger246]

Do all men need to be extroverted and eloquent? Where did you get your definition for being a "man"?

Everybody is afraid of something. Courage is when you continue on despite your fear.

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by Roger246

Do all men need to be extroverted and eloquent? Where did you get your definition for being a "man"?

Everybody is afraid of something. Courage is when you continue on despite your fear.

Well, charismatic man has these two qualities. That's why I want to develop these myself

[David Cain]

Here's one thing I know about fear: When you do what your fear says, it gets stronger. When you do what is important to you in spite of your fear, it gets weaker.

The common advice is to "Accept that you are shy," and I don't agree. It makes sense to accept where you are right now, but I think it's important to realize that how you behave right now is not necessarily who you are.

You're just in the habit of avoiding awkwardness and discomfort. That's only natural, but obviously you recognize that this is based on fear, and you don't want to be fearful anymore. That fear is not a part of who you are, it's just a habit that you can overcome, if you want to.

I was very shy for many years, but I knew I didn't want to be. It took me about a year and a half of conscious effort to get over it, but I did. I actually just published an article on shyness (and how I defeated it) yesterday: Here.

You don't have to be shy to be an introvert, and you don't have to be an extrovert to get comfortable socially. I will always be an introvert, and I like that, but I will never be shy again. It is absolutely worth addressing and overcoming.

IMO, shyness prevents people from feeling free to be themselves, and that's an awful place to be in. The oversensitivity will disappear once you begin to open up. You'll see that what you were afraid of is really not dangerous at all.

[rose A]

Practice, practice, practice. When I have something that I need to overcome. I force myself into that position and practice. Do I have slip ups? Yes, all the time. Do I have some days where things went well? Yes.

Don't try to be something that you are not. Be yourself. Use a little bit of humor to get you over a slip up. A small laugh. Whoops, made a mistake. That will lighten the air and show that you are human, just like the rest of us. Be kind ( I should learn to take my own advice ) Be polite and try, try to enjoy the situation.

[SimonaRich]

You probably lose some confidence in yourself when it comes to talking to people you don't know. Have more trust in yourself and care less what other people think of you and you will overcome this fear.

[pauldickinson]

I'd recommend Steve's podcast "Overcoming fear". I think it is great and it really changed the way I look at things regarding fear.

[ChrisN]

Everyone gets anxious when moving to a new country or being placed in situations which they dont feel comfortable in and its human nature that we get all freaked out about it. I will probably be moving to America in the next few years to persue my career and I am quite anxious about how I will cope too.

The more we get placed in these situations, the easier it gets to cope with them. When you first learn to walk, its quite hard but as you do it more and more it gets much easier until you can do it without thinking about it. The same concept with riding a bike, shooting a gun, fishing, putting up a tent and pretty much everything in life.

Don't stress too much, take each day as it comes. Best of luck mate

[AfteraDream]

WOW... lots of useful advice here guys, thanx a million!

[openyourize]

i agree to both accept yourself as a quiet person and practice. try starting a conversation with one person a day. maybe consider joining some kind of group or club in your area that pertains to something you are interested in, then you can talk to new people about things you love to talk about. Also consider joining Toastmasters in your area, you will meet many others who are also shy and want to learn new skills for talking to others. I did, and it definitely helps build your confidence!

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by openyourize

i agree to both accept yourself as a quiet person and practice. try starting a conversation with one person a day. maybe consider joining some kind of group or club in your area that pertains to something you are interested in, then you can talk to new people about things you love to talk about. Also consider joining Toastmasters in your area, you will meet many others who are also shy and want to learn new skills for talking to others. I did, and it definitely helps build your confidence!

I'll keep this in mind, thanx

[Brutha]

I'm afraid of new situations where I have to communicate with people I don't know. I don't like it when there are too much new things in my life. That's partly because I'm introvert and prefer stability and home. But still I'm a Man damnit.. I shouldn't be fearing such things.

See, the world outside is exactly like it should be. There nothing to fear.
Attaching your identity to being fearless produce anxiety.

That's partly because I'm introvert and prefer stability and home.

That has to be really challenging for your worldview, no wonder why you are as eager to project the emotional need to be at home at other people.

Emotional health is about excepting your own emotions and your own desires. Different people have different desire and that's completely okay.
Surpressing emotions makes them control yourself and they therefore produce fear.

You can either start with other people and look at the things they desire and accept their desires or you can firstly look at yourself and the things you desire.

The world is fine as it is. There no need to prove something by fulfilling some role.

You probably have heard David DeAngelo talking about emotions and how they effect your judgment. Fear makes people clinge on old traditions and fear makes people think that's there a way things should be.
That you should be a man.
That women should fulfill the role of the women.

Explore your fear. What's there too fear about woman who don't fulfill roles.
What's there to fear about man not fulfilling roles.
What's there to fear about yourself not fulfilling roles?

The world is fine as it is. People desires are perfectly okay. You don't have to suppress them. That's isn't emotionally healthy.
It isn't emotionally healthy either for other people like woman to suppress their own desires to have success.

Emotions health is not about fulfilling some role model but about excepting your desires. Then they don't control you anymore. Puff.

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by Brutha

See, the world outside is exactly like it should be. There nothing to fear.
Attaching your identity to being fearless produce anxiety.
That has to be really challenging for your worldview, no wonder why you are as eager to project the emotional need to be at home at other people.

Emotional health is about excepting your own emotions and your own desires. Different people have different desire and that's completely okay.
Surpressing emotions makes them control yourself and they therefore produce fear.

You can either start with other people and look at the things they desire and accept their desires or you can firstly look at yourself and the things you desire.

The world is fine as it is. There no need to prove something by fulfilling some role.

You probably have heard David DeAngelo talking about emotions and how they effect your judgment. Fear makes people clinge on old traditions and fear makes people think that's there a way things should be.
That you should be a man.
That women should fulfill the role of the women.

Explore your fear. What's there too fear about woman who don't fulfill roles.
What's there to fear about man not fulfilling roles.
What's there to fear about yourself not fulfilling roles?

The world is fine as it is. People desires are perfectly okay. You don't have to suppress them. That's isn't emotionally healthy.
It isn't emotionally healthy either for other people like woman to suppress their own desires to have success.

Emotions health is not about fulfilling some role model but about excepting your desires. Then they don't control you anymore. Puff.

Roles..again.. This has nothing to do with that topic. I have my standards of life and they might be higher than those of other's. I like my standards I find them fascinating (let's talk about manly standards) and want to be so. It's my path. I have to become that, not change the standards... They are good, I choose them. It is just hard to live up to them. On the other hand if it was easy then I'd be probably be standing in one place..

[Brutha]

Roles..again.. This has nothing to do with that topic.

This thead is about where your fear comes from.
It those things wouldn't have something to do with each other you probably wouldn't say things like

But still I'm a Man damnit.

That's struggle. Struggle produces anxiety. Anxiety produces fear.

The alternative to exploring where the fear comes from is to let somebody show you EFT or do some NLP pattern on yourself.

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by Brutha

This thead is about where your fear comes from.
It those things wouldn't have something to do with each other you probably wouldn't say things likeThat's struggle. Struggle produces anxiety. Anxiety produces fear.

The alternative to exploring where the fear comes from is to let somebody show you EFT or do some NLP pattern on yourself.

I can handle it myself..no need for NLP or EFT.. not a believer in those...

[ChristinaMagan]

Its all begins with self love. Learn to love yourself first.. So what if you make mistakes and forget words. accept you love you first.. Overflow with the essence of you.

Who are you? Dont define yourself by one little road block...

When your talking to people, look them in the eye and try not to look away.. squint slightly when talking to people (this adds power), and stay focused. Never look down. When listening repeat what the person is saying to you in your mind. Then Pause and think about what your going to say and reply..

Overtime you will get better and faster at it. Soon you will do it in a flash.

only other thing to do is practice... get out of the comfort zone.

[AfteraDream]

Originally Posted by ChristinaMagan

Its all begins with self love. Learn to love yourself first.. So what if you make mistakes and forget words. accept you love you first.. Overflow with the essence of you.

Who are you? Dont define yourself by one little road block...

When your talking to people, look them in the eye and try not to look away.. squint slightly when talking to people (this adds power), and stay focused. Never look down. When listening repeat what the person is saying to you in your mind. Then Pause and think about what your going to say and reply..

Overtime you will get better and faster at it. Soon you will do it in a flash.

only other thing to do is practice... get out of the comfort zone.

Thanx, I'll keep this in mind