Life is pretty bad

[BlackWigger]

Originally Posted by GHI

Nice try, but that's not an answer to my question.

I've asked you about your deepest dreams and aspirations. You know, those "impossible" things you think you deserve. The goals which, if you only believed them to be realistic, would give your life meaning.

Will killing yourself give your life meaning? No. If you opt out of the game of life now, you'll be doing a big mistake. Because you can win this game. You just have to define what "winning" means to you.

That wasn't the answer to your question, the answer was enclosed in quotes because I already answered it before. This was the answer:

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

I'm not sure I want any meaning any more... it won't matter in the end :/
I wanted to become an influential politician, partially for my own reasons (being admired by others?) and partially to help the country (I don't live in the US just fyi)

Also

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Are you serious, or pulling our leg? I don't see you doing anything with the suggestions in this threads.

In case you are serious, you might read Erin's take on suicide.

What's it gonna be boy, yes or no?

I do want to kill myself, but I'm too much of a ***** to do it :/
But I mean, it's hard to just switch to whatever type of thinking you advise, especially when I think it's not worth it.

Originally Posted by Parthon

That's the catch. Does life have to matter to enjoy it? Life just is, and either you enjoy it or you suffer.

Thoughts and emotions come and go, and will always be around too.

In the end, you are the one that experiences the results, so it's about working out how to get the results you want, all in a meaningless, pointless world.

But it has to matter for me :/

[Plato]

What does Black Wigger mean? You're a contradiction?

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

I do want to kill myself, but I'm too much of a ***** to do it :/
But I mean, it's hard to just switch to whatever type of thinking you advise, especially when I think it's not worth it.

You're avoiding the question: are you serious, or not?

And a few others: are you doing something with the suggestions given so far, or not? If not, then what do you need from us? If yes, is it working?

If I can't see straight answers from you on these questions, I'm done with you.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Hi again.
Any advices on how to motivate myself to finally end my life ? I've been wishing for death for so long, and living life like that, and I'm still alive. It's quite frustrating.

This is a good case study for the Law of Attraction...in reverse! You state that you want to kill yourself, but if you really had formed the intention to do so, you would have already. It's much easier to die than it is to live - you just have to do nothing and eventually you'll die of thirst or starvation.

Life is complicated. And it doesn't matter, I agree with you. When you stop thinking of life as something important, and you just live the way you desire (live life according to YOUR values), then nothing really does matter. This frees you from having to worry about how you're living your life. That's liberating, but I think you see it as some kind of desperate position.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

You're avoiding the question: are you serious, or not?

Whether he's serious or not is kind of irrelevant - can a person not logically come to the conclusion to commit suicide? I've read about philosophers who have touched on the subject.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Whether he's serious or not is kind of irrelevant - can a person not logically come to the conclusion to commit suicide? I've read about philosophers who have touched on the subject.

It matters to me if OP is serious or just pulling our legs. I can use my time better than catering to practical jokers.

To answer your question - yes that is possible. It depends on the logic you use in combination with your assumptions.

I personally don't believe in suicide, but if OP is dead serious about it, I won't stand in his way. If he is serious about being supported to not commit suicide, I will support him.

[Zerox]

Life is whatever you want it to be. You obviously want it to be pointless, so it is.

It is what it is. And if your really serious about dying, you'll pull it off. It's not really that hard, jump off a 30store building. Trust me, you'll die.
Or shove a bullet in your head, works like magic!

The fact that you're scared of dying means you do want to live, you just don't want to live like you are right now. Everything is pointless to you, but you don't want it to. You want something to have a point. Dying doesn't have a point, so why bother dying?

Look, no matter what you decide to do, it'll be pointless. Because you want it to. If you want something to have a point, It'll have a point. You decide the point of whatever it is. "I want to be better at bowling." Point being: getting better at bowling.

But what does that matter in the end? NOTHING! Exactly. So do whatever the hell you want to do because in the end it doesn't matter. Do you want to sit and ponder on suicide all day? Does that make you happy? I bet it doesn't. Everything is pointless, but I'd rather be happy than sad.

If you dont care weather you live or die, and you hate wherever you are. Pack a bag and go hitchhiking for as long as you can. Either you find something worth doing, or you die trying.

[Plays With Life]

I couldn't help but laugh at how your "friend" responded:

You: "I don't think I want to live anymore."
Friend: "Well, let me show you reality. You don't deserve anything."

Lol. Really?? Did that person think they were helping? I say forget what that person said. It's complete crap.

@ OP - I think what's happened is you've become numb. I've been in a place where it wasn't possible to enjoy anything. There's no enjoyment in any sensation or experience. Is that what you're talking about?

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

@ OP - I think what's happened is you've become numb. I've been in a place where it wasn't possible to enjoy anything. There's no enjoyment in any sensation or experience. Is that what you're talking about?

I'll let him speak for himself, but my take on what you're describing is the feeling that your brain is just a collection of chemicals designed to trick you. You feel like a puppet being pulled along by a set of chemical strings. For example, you desire sex because of hormones. You just want to cut the strings and be free.

The solution is to cut the strings without ending your life.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

But it has to matter for me :/

That's the core of the whole situation. You live in a world that doesn't matter, but you really want it to.

The reveal of a world that has no point is an opportunity for freedom. Society has played a fundamental trick on all of us, by telling us that things mean something, and that certain things are significant and other things are not. But you've realised that it's there is no meaning to anything, no significance and no point. You haven't gone far enough though. Not only is there no meaning in anything, there's also no meaning in there being no meaning. The world doesn't mean anything, and it doesn't mean anything that it doesn't mean anything. The world has no point to it, and there's no point in the world having no point. There's no ryhme or reason to anything.

Now, if you could give up that it *has* to have a point, what then? Imagine not being concerned about anything, or having to do anything. Stop thinking that there has to be a destination or an end to get to. If the world didn't have to matter for you, what would it be like?

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I'll let him speak for himself, but my take on what you're describing is the feeling that your brain is just a collection of chemicals designed to trick you. You feel like a puppet being pulled along by a set of chemical strings. For example, you desire sex because of hormones. You just want to cut the strings and be free.

The solution is to cut the strings without ending your life.

I don't quite see what you're saying, but I don't think it's what I'm talking about. The "numb" I'm talking about is not feeling any emotions - no anger, no fear, no pleasure - nothing. Just being numb, no matter what physical sensations you're feeling (including sexual stimulation), and no matter what is happening in front of you. Eating food isn't pleasurable, sex isn't pleasurable, it's not possible to feel pleasure or enjoyment in any situation. Some people even numb physical pain out, and don't experience pain at all. I read about a kid who cut his arm on his school playgrounds, and continued walking around bleeding everywhere, until someone finally asked him about it. He looked down and was surprised to see he was bleeding. He actually didn't feel the pain.

[GHI]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

That wasn't the answer to your question, the answer was enclosed in quotes because I already answered it before. This was the answer:

"I'm not sure I want any meaning any more... it won't matter in the end :/
I wanted to become an influential politician, partially for my own reasons (being admired by others?) and partially to help the country (I don't live in the US just fyi)"

Well, that's definitely getting warmer. At least now we have something to work with.

So - you want to make a difference. You want to help your country. Right there is your life purpose. How, on earth, can you say that your life is "pointless" when this is what you want to do?

If you feel overwhelmed by this mission (and you probably are), take it one small step at a time. You don't need to run for president tommorow... Just go out there and do something valuable.

How about starting with a really small step: Tell us what country you live in. And if you really want to get things going, start a discussion here, on the StevePavlina forums, about the problems your country is facing.

[James81]

I have another important question to ask you:

What is the point of DEATH?

You asked us what the point of life is, so let me throw back to you that question.

You have a choice:

You can choose to live, and in your mind that life would be pointless.

or

You can choose to die, and how would that be any less pointless?

So, the question is this....

What do you have to live for?

What do you have to die for?

There are a couple of schools of thought here....

One school of thought is that this life isn't all there is. That this life is a mere stint in the greater scheme of life and that after our mortal bodies die, our "spirits" go on (and that isn't necessarily regulate to organized religions...that belief exists under many different "masks").

The other school of thought is that this life IS all there is. That when you die, you become wormfood, never to be remembered again.

In the first school of thought, ending you life is merely shedding the mortal aspects for some other form of life (whether it be heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc.).

In the second school of thought, ending your life is ending your existence once and for all.

What reasons do you have to die? Some people die for ideologies, some die in freak accidents, and others, like yourself, choose to die to try and end the pain of living.

But what if that pain doesn't stop with your death? How can you be so sure that ending your life here isn't going to just put your "essence" into some other, far worse form of pain? What if avoiding the pain of this life just means more pain in the next?

What, then, is ending your existence going to accomplish? Putting yourself out of the misery of this life is going to get you the same result as if you lived your life and then died of natural causes.

So why would you want to remove any and all chance at happiness to end your existence? The fact is this...it has been proven over and over and over again that people in your situation can turn their lives around and find some form of happiness. It has also been provend that your life affects others lives in ways you'll never know. So choosing to end your life at this moment, is not only garaunteeing you'll never taste that happiness that is so elusive, but it is also going to affect those with whom your life affects. And I don't care if you are a complete hermit, your life is affecting people. Your mere presence on this forum with this question is having an effect on the rest of us. Without you, this thread wouldn't exist, and without this thread we wouldn't have this discussion, and perhaps without this discussion some other lurker would choose to give up on life.

The simple fact is this...you have no idea how far reaching your life is and what the effects of the life you live do. Nor do you have any idea what happens to those effects after you die.

The only thing you do know is that you have an alotted amount of time here in this life. You have an entire lifetime to discover new and different ways to find happiness. You have unlimited options and can make any of countless decisions that just might be the decision that leads to your happiness or contentment.

The road of life has many forks. All that effort you have put into changing those things you don't like about yourself is ONLY wasted if you choose to give up now. But if you choose to continue, to stay the course, to keep taking that next step, one of those tries and steps is bound to eventually lead to healing and happiness.

It's like hammering away at a rock. You strike that rock 99 times and nothing happens. On the 100th strike, the rock shatters into a thousand little pieces. You say that that last hit was the one that shattered it. And I say that it's the 99 before it.

[GHI]

Originally Posted by James81

In the first school of thought, ending you life is merely shedding the mortal aspects for some other form of life (whether it be heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc.).

I love the way James used the word "merely"

"Shedding your mortal aspects" is about the biggest, most traumatic challange I can think of.

If there is an afterlife of any kind (and I believe there is), and if you want to run away from life's challanges, then dying is a very bad idea...

Funny thing is, if you were ready to face the challanges of the world beyond, you wouldn't wish to die in the first place.

[BlackWigger]

Good responses guys, thanks.

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I'll let him speak for himself, but my take on what you're describing is the feeling that your brain is just a collection of chemicals designed to trick you. You feel like a puppet being pulled along by a set of chemical strings. For example, you desire sex because of hormones. You just want to cut the strings and be free.

EXACTLY. Beatifully put. Even when I enjoy and am a bit happy because of doing something, I realize its just a temporary emotion that doesn't really matter and that won't change my personality or outlook on life, and even if it did, it wouldn't matter, I wouldn't be happy.

Example... some guys called me out, and I suffer from social anxiety (not sure if it's the worst possible type of SA but still), and I was thinking how I was going to regret going out, but I still did it due to not wanting to tarnish my "reputation" (I don't have one really). I actually did well in the conversations and ****... was even glad I did go out. But then I thought to myself "well, this doesn't really matter, all these people won't really care about me later, and nothing will really change". And if it changed, I would probably still be unhappy.

Another example... I'll be honest here and say I have a crush on my 2nd cousin. The happiest times I had in the past few years of depression was when talking to her, she seems to like me in a way, and I love it when she responds to me in a... playful way. Today she basically asked me for dating advice and I was so pissed, basically it meant I was in the friendship zone. I still tried to maintain some sort of ... uncertainty and I wasn't acting like an actual friend would, cause I know that wouldn't get me anywhere. Now, I managed to do that, and was proud for a moment, and I tried forgetting about her completely because I've been obsessing over her lately. And I can't stop it... I try to focus on different things and they don't work. Also, if I ever ended up with her, there would be so many insecurities left within myself, I'd worry too much about not letting her down, etc. etc.

I played a bit of Quake (online fps game) and was enjoying the fast pace of the game so much, but it only lasted for as long as I was doing well. Even helped me forget about other **** for a moment.

It's like I'm always a slave to these emotions, and that I'll never be satisfied with the way they occur. I wish I could just stop caring, like when I am drunk. That's awesome.
I have to admit though, that when my cousin is responding to me in a playful way, or I actually manage to make people laugh, it's a very addictive emotion I get... it's nearly the total opposite of what I feel usually.

@James81: I can never be sure what awaits me if I die. But I will die either way. And the most probable thing that will happen to me when I die, is the same thing that was happening before I was born.

@GHI: I don't wanna uncover where I'm coming from, at least from now. Sorry. Let's just say it's somewhere in Europe.

Originally Posted by Zerox

Life is whatever you want it to be. You obviously want it to be pointless, so it is.

It is what it is. And if your really serious about dying, you'll pull it off. It's not really that hard, jump off a 30store building. Trust me, you'll die.
Or shove a bullet in your head, works like magic!

The fact that you're scared of dying means you do want to live, you just don't want to live like you are right now. Everything is pointless to you, but you don't want it to. You want something to have a point. Dying doesn't have a point, so why bother dying?

Look, no matter what you decide to do, it'll be pointless. Because you want it to. If you want something to have a point, It'll have a point. You decide the point of whatever it is. "I want to be better at bowling." Point being: getting better at bowling.

But what does that matter in the end? NOTHING! Exactly. So do whatever the hell you want to do because in the end it doesn't matter. Do you want to sit and ponder on suicide all day? Does that make you happy? I bet it doesn't. Everything is pointless, but I'd rather be happy than sad.

If you dont care weather you live or die, and you hate wherever you are. Pack a bag and go hitchhiking for as long as you can. Either you find something worth doing, or you die trying.

I know... but even when I try give myself meaning, it doesn't help, I shift back into nothingness.
Also, caring so much about what otehrs think doesn't really help me either. I'm restricted...a nd I dont know how to get rid of these shackles.

Originally Posted by Plays with Life

@ OP - I think what's happened is you've become numb. I've been in a place where it wasn't possible to enjoy anything. There's no enjoyment in any sensation or experience. Is that what you're talking about?

Not really numb, just not able to enjoy myself fully cause I know it won't change anything in the long term, everything will stay the same way, and ... it wont matter either way.

Sigh, I wish I could just kill myself, but that doesn't come as easy as some of you say either.

Sorry for any typos, I've been writing this late and in a hurry

[Parthon]

If you are searching for an answer outside of yourself and in the world out there, then you are out of luck.

You are a reflection of the world. Anything you can find out there, you can find inside first. If you want meaning in the world, you'll need to find meaning in yourself. If you want approval from others, find approval from within.

[GHI]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Example... some guys called me out, and I suffer from social anxiety (not sure if it's the worst possible type of SA but still), and I was thinking how I was going to regret going out, but I still did it due to not wanting to tarnish my "reputation" (I don't have one really). I actually did well in the conversations and ****... was even glad I did go out. But then I thought to myself "well, this doesn't really matter, all these people won't really care about me later, and nothing will really change". And if it changed, I would probably still be unhappy.

In other words, going out with guys who don't give a **** about you is "pointless", right?

Very good. So the next time they call you out, just say no. If it's pointless, don't do it! Your life is too precious to waste on pointless things.

Oh, and don't worry about "reputation". You said yourself that you don't have a reputation with these guys, so doing things to "protect my reputation" is the most pointless thing you can do.

It's like I'm always a slave to these emotions, and that I'll never be satisfied with the way they occur. I wish I could just stop caring, like when I am drunk. That's awesome.

Stopping to care is not the solution.

Making sure that YOU are in control of your emotions, rather than the other way around, is the key.

I won't lie to you. It ain't going to be easy, and it will probably take you a long time to master. But you can do it. And believe me, once you get there, it will be worth the effort.

I can never be sure what awaits me if I die. But I will die either way.

True. But you still have a choice about how you're going to live your life until that point.

Even if death really is the end, then you have the choice between leaving a legacy in this world, and dying as a nobody who did nothing with his life.

And if it isn't... well, lets just say that if you don't have the courage for relatively small things (such as standing up to your friends), you aren't ready for this ultimate journey.

I don't wanna uncover where I'm coming from, at least from now.

Fair enough. You're not ready to make this step yet, and that's fine.

Just remember that at SOME POINT you'll have to overcome these fears, if you really want to make a difference.

No need to rush, though. You have all the time in the world. Proceed as slowly or as speedily as you wish. After all, it's your show.

Good luck

[BlackWigger]

Originally Posted by Parthon

If you are searching for an answer outside of yourself and in the world out there, then you are out of luck.

You are a reflection of the world. Anything you can find out there, you can find inside first. If you want meaning in the world, you'll need to find meaning in yourself. If you want approval from others, find approval from within.

Yeah.. but I just can't see myself getting approval from myself. Plus I think sorting out the caring about what other's think too much problem is more important.

Originally Posted by GHI

In other words, going out with guys who don't give a **** about you is "pointless", right?

Very good. So the next time they call you out, just say no. If it's pointless, don't do it! Your life is too precious to waste on pointless things.

Yeah well I guess I don't want to lose any kind of opportunity to socialize.

Oh, and don't worry about "reputation". You said yourself that you don't have a reputation with these guys, so doing things to "protect my reputation" is the most pointless thing you can do.

You don't think I know this ? The problem is the emotional reaction not my rational understanding.

Stopping to care is not the solution.

Making sure that YOU are in control of your emotions, rather than the other way around, is the key.

I won't lie to you. It ain't going to be easy, and it will probably take you a long time to master. But you can do it. And believe me, once you get there, it will be worth the effort.

Oh well.. I've been trying to master some emotions for the past few years and it has only gotten worse. The only thing I improved in is understanding where all the emotions come from and how pointless everything is.

And if it isn't... well, lets just say that if you don't have the courage for relatively small things (such as standing up to your friends), you aren't ready for this ultimate journey.

How can you know ? Maybe whatever happens after death has no connection whatsoever with the way you lived life.

No need to rush, though. You have all the time in the world. Proceed as slowly or as speedily as you wish. After all, it's your show.

Good luck

Well not really, I'm not immortal (and gladly so).

Originally Posted by Plato

What does Black Wigger mean? You're a contradiction?

Wigger is a slang term for white people that live or try to live the gangster/gangster rap' lifestyle. So yeah the name is a contradiction, but it doesn't really have much to do with me other than the fact that I started listening to more rap when I created the account :P

[James81]

So, what *is* the problem, BW?

For every piece of advice given to you in this thread, you have rationalized it away.

I think the problem here is an issue of "want." You don't want to see a purpose in life, and thus you don't see a purpose in life. When you want to see a purpose for your life, a purpose will present itself.

I know that sounds hokey, but I'm speaking from experience. I know how easy it is to rationalize away advice. Because the ego seems to catch you (I've been there and am there now, actually). You get so smart and in learning all the different self help or psychological methods, everything people tells you suddenly becomes redundant and thus, because you already know what people are telling you, you disregard it.

The truth is, you aren't looking for an answer to your problems. You are looking for justification to act on what you already know. You want someone to convince you that a specific path is right for you (something nobody but YOU can do), because the many paths laid before you are overwhelming.

Here's the deal....I believe that Socrates said it best when he said something to the affect of: the wisest person realizes that he is truly ignorant. I'm facing that one myself, now. I've been at this self improvement thing for 2.5 years, and I've made some changes, but am still not where I truly want to be. But I've learned (and I continue to seek to learn) so much, that it seems like typical advice gets redundant.

And then I realized that I'm not seeking advice. None of us are. We're not looking for the KNOWLEDGE on how to change or to find meaning in life. We're looking for the inspiration to change. The inspiration to act.

Here's my advice to you (as it's the same thing I am currently doing myself): Set aside your preset notions of what you believe, and pick a path. Even if it seems wrong, try it. If it doesn't work, pick another path and try that. It's going to take time, and you aren't going to change overnight, but the truth is that in choosing the paths you take, you'll disocover that happiness and meaning aren't some destination in life. They are a process. A continual, renewable process. And they operate on a cycle.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by James81

So, what *is* the problem, BW?

For every piece of advice given to you in this thread, you have rationalized it away.

...

Yes, I noticed that too. See post nr 33 above.

No more advice to BW from me, until I notice movement.

[Holistic Star]

Well on page 1, I gave 2 bits of advice (1 was rationalised away and the other ignored) and a personal story about how I came back from the brink of suicide (also ignored!)

Depression is weird. It feels like you are powerless sitting in a prison and a million people could tell you that you are sitting in glorious open countryside, but you can't see it. All you can see is gloom.

For me what worked is that inside I decided I had to get well, whatever it took. I couldn't continue living so miserable, and I saw the hurt I caused by trying to end it so couldn't do that again.

I took a lot of false turns along the way from (the internet didn't exist then, I wish it had) but I made it eventually step by step.

But it is weird. It feels so real. But it's not. Those thoughts aren't real at all. They just feel real. But with the right actions you can just brush them away.

[solomzi]

Hi, solomzi is my name, but you can call me sol!

I'm a handsome young man, who decided to get married and now it feels like the biggest mistake i ever made. She (my wife) has a low self-esteem, distrustful, vindictive and the list goes on. i've never been so unhappy in my whole entire life the saddest thing is ilove her with all my body,mind and soul and i just can't imagine life without her, but i feel like I AM IN HELL!

HELP ME SOMEBODY

[Plays With Life]

Sure, I'll help you: this isn't the place for trolling.

[BlackWigger]

Well I rationalize them away cause they dont work for me :/

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

But it is weird. It feels so real. But it's not. Those thoughts aren't real at all. They just feel real. But with the right actions you can just brush them away.

The thoughts you get now are real ? I dunno...

I don't really know where to move now. As I explained in my previous post, wherever I turn, I run into problems.
I tried thinking of socializing and social interactions as completely unimportant, but my emotions still draw me into feeling so depressed. It seems as if I want to be accepted so badly... and not only accepted, be one of the most liked persons as well. I think it's because of the ego, my ego likes it so much when getting approval from others. And I can't prevent that.

Hell, I was thinking, how would it be if I was actually an interesting person and had plenty of social interactions ? I would still have some problems to be sad about, but overall, thanks to the emotional highs Id get from other people's approval, I would be happier overall.

[Parthon]

You don't have an ego, you *are* your ego.

If you got really popular and had lots of approval, you would realise that approval and popularity are pointless and empty too, and you would be back at square one all over again. The ego wants popularity to boost itself up, but more importantly it wants drama and conflict. The feeling that there are problems all around you and the thoughts you have that the world *should* have a point are all from the ego trying to latch onto something, anything, to make itself more real.

The reality is people who are happy and living their lives have the same problems and the same concerns you do, they are living in the same empty life. They have overcome it, or embraced it, and used what they know and the advice other people give for fuel to push them forward.

You say that you discard it because they don't work for you. Things that work for other people will tend to work for you. People tend to be all the same, you really aren't that unique.

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Hell, I was thinking, how would it be if I was actually an interesting person and had plenty of social interactions ? I would still have some problems to be sad about, but overall, thanks to the emotional highs Id get from other people's approval, I would be happier overall.

Depression thoughts aren't real. They just feel it. They feel like a prison, but the prison isn't real.

I know from inside it feels like there is no way out and that there is no point but that isn't the truth.


If you want to be accepted. You have to start with accepting yourself.

Say this out loud 20 times. OK it sounds goofy, but go with me on this.

"Whatever I have done, or not done, I am worthy of love"


Keep saying it until you get what it means. I'll say it with you too.

[James81]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Well I rationalize them away cause they dont work for me :/

Ok, then you need medication.

Set up an appointment with a therapist and get back to us.

[codenamesmiley]

Blackwigger,

First off, we ALL have flaws. Embrace them They are what make you, YOU. The things that we have done that we regret or carry guilt for, is cause for self-forgiveness.

If you feel others have failed you, forgive them. (Saying I forgive you is not saying "What you did to me is ok", it is saying "I am no longer willing to carry around the burden of YOUR actions". )

DO YOU RECALL THE MYTH THAT EVOLVES AROUND WHAT WE DID TO THE LAST PERFECT PERSON TO WALK THIS EARTH? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THAT GUY?

I cannot say that I understand what you are going thru, because I am not you, feeling your feelings. I can say that I have walked that path and know that demon all too well.

All of us have flaws for a reason. For instance...my physical vision is going away...yet my psychic vision is increasing. Do I sit around whining because I cannot drive my car or do my chosen career of truck driving? NO. I say, well...God gave me this psychic ability for a reason and I work daily on ways to serve others with it, without having to get in a car and drive myself, to do so.

Humanity evolves, and you may find that you will evolve greater if you focus on adapting to circumstances or eliminating the circumstances that give you such a disregard for your own life.

I do not personally feel that you are serious about ending your life, or you would not have posted a "cry for help" in a public forum. That is enough to tell me that you "choose" life!! Unfortuneately it also tells me that you only agree to do so, if someone can tickle your mentality in such a way that you want to live without having to change your outlook. (pick a side to this emotional tug of war.)

It is a struggle. One that you KNOW you can win.
I suggest you start with self-forgiveness. Then, move toward forgiving others. I hope somewhere in all of it, that you embrace the fact that if there were no flaws, there would be no need for enlightenment and nothing to learn in our incarnation here.

Now, do you choose to waste an entire incarnation over a moment of self-doubt? I chose life. I have evolved. I have learned, that these flaws and problems in my past were the necessary things in my life to bring on changes within myself and to learn forgiveness and thrive. It is your life. It is your choice. Please consider those who have been there, and where they have been and how far we have all come since. It may be worth it to hang on one more year...see if things don't change, after choosing to see things differently, and practice a little forgiveness and acceptance in your life.

I wish you the best. I pray for your inner-solace.
Blessings,
Rebecca

[codenamesmiley]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

Well I rationalize them away cause they dont work for me :/


Hell, I was thinking, how would it be if I was actually an interesting person and had plenty of social interactions ? I would still have some problems to be sad about, but overall, thanks to the emotional highs Id get from other people's approval, I would be happier overall.

And this is the part where I feel compelled to quote the Tao Te Ching Chapter 9
9
Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

Blessings to you,
Rebecca

[AlexL]

BW--
I am a physician. While I hesitate to make a diagnosis over the internet of all places, you quite clearly seem to me to be depressed. Everything you're feeling and everything you're thinking are as a result of that low life-condition. I wrote a post called "The True Cause Of Depression" on my own blog (link below) in which I discuss the fact that anti-depressants don't cure depression but they sure do treat its symptoms. The mere fact you haven't yet killed yourself is a testament to the fact that you actually still want to be happy, despite what you're writing here. And despite how many have responded, there most definitely is a point to life: to be happy! How to achieve that, however, when emotions change moment by moment, is the trick. In Buddhism, which I practice, we distinguish between relative and absolute happiness. Relative happiness would be having your second cousin actually be interested in dating you. But even that joyful feeling would change after a while. Absolute happiness is by definition dependent on nothing outside yourself, but rather on a deep awakening to your truest, largest self, an awakening that manifests a life-condition as far away from depression as you could imagine. It is truly possible. However, thinking about becoming happier and reasoning through depression don't work. You need a practice. And you need an anti-depressant. Please realize that your thoughts and feelings of hopelessness now are a part of an insidious depression that simultaneously saps your will to act to help yourself and simultaneously makes you rage at yourself for feeling so helpless and useless. But a better self exists inside you as a potential at every moment. Please visit my site. Explore. And get professional help.

Alex
Happiness in this World