Retaining Personal Power in the Presence of Powerful People

[Michelle]

It has been a few days since my audition. And while I still feel sad at not having been able to perform my best, I have been able to gain enough distance to figure out what went awry.

It seems to me that all of my personal power left the building as soon as I was faced with singing for people whom I consider powerful. My ability to fill the room with my song and personality was squashed by a fear of being too powerful in front of these people.

Now, the origins of this issue are most likely in my childhood. My father could not stand anyone around him to be more powerful than himself. Any attempt to be centered in my own power (instead of fearful and cowering in his presence) was squashed. There is something in my programming which says "two powerful people cannot exist simultaneously in the same location". This inevitably causes me panic as two parts of me: the powerful" and the "afraid of being powerful" collide.

There is a huge huge huge power running through me when I sing, and it is terrible feeling that it is unacceptable to express that power.

Now, I am a grown woman. What can I do? I really need advice from people who may be in positions of power or who are living very consciously in their own sense of power.

[TheColonel]

The powerful people I associate with respect a person who is comfortable enough to be at ease in their presence.

In general, a 'formal' manner may come off as stilted and put people at unease. Be friendly, be courteous, and ask a person open ended questions.

Keep your opinions to a minimum, and be openly positive. A degree of playfulness (not sillyness) is often appropriate.

Remember: People may not remember what you say or do. But they will usually remember how you made them feel.

[nantucketsunset]

Hi Michelle,

I do not see that the total power that is "allowed" in a situation where people gather together is some finite, maximum amount - if there are various people present with different amounts of "power", then surely the combined power adds up to whatever amount it does, and it does not need to fight to stay contained to a certain amount.

That probably does not make any sense (am having a post-lunch dip!) so I'll put it another way -- if everyone brings apple pie to a party, surely you will have 4 or 2 or 10 apple pies on the table --- you don't have to fight each other and throw away parts of everyone's pie in order to keep the total apple pie amount to just 1 standard containers' worth of pie.

You may though be talking about hierarchy and status -- the determination of who has the most status in a given situation, and that is often a natural, subtle tussle that occurs whenever mammals gather together... but I see this as different than individual power. To me, my personal power stays the same, while my place in the situational hierarchy changes depending on whom I'm with - their age, education, authority, wealth, weapons or whatever, what they think of me, what they actually know about me, how egotistical they are, how violent they are prepared to be to assert control, etc.

Depending on the situation, I think you can concede rungs on the situational hierarchy -- either because others are honestly deserving of being higher up than you (due to their position of authority or education or age, etc.), or because you are being polite/gracious, or because they have temporary power over you (such as the judges in your singing audition), or even because you are trying to keep yourself from being harmed or to appear unobtrusive out of a kind of fear (like perhaps with your father).

With your father, it sounds like others had to cow down around him so that he would feel that he was on the top of the hierarchy. But not all "powerful" people need this to happen outwardly (though some certainly do, even those you'd think would be more enlightened!)

Now this is just the way I think about it, but I think that my power within myself (to make my own decisions, live according to my ethics, guide my own behavior, affect other people's lives, make the best of my abilities-or the worst of them, as I so choose ha ha!) is the same no matter what position I occupy on any temporary social hierarchy (even if I were put in jail, or lived alone on a desert island etc.) Everyone (from lowliest to highest ranking, from child to elder, etc.) has the capacity to have a great deal of personal power, and I try to treat everyone in that way, whilst understanding/respecting their interim position on any particular hierarchy because society does demand such a construct -- and whilst realizing that a person's social/situational status can change quickly but the essence of a person's spirit does not.

I suppose that I would suggest that you honor and notice other people's power/status in any given situation -- treat it with respect, especially if they "need" others to be demonstrative about it -- but without ever thinking that doing this diminishes your personal power in any way.

In your audition, you could have been the lowliest person in the whole theater, but your full amount of power was still your own and it was there to protect, motivate, and guide you.

In fact, being aware about status and hierarchy in situations/or just in the other person's mind(!) and being able to adapt to it can lend you more personal power -- but I think that you don't need expressly to let others know how much power you've got or to fight over who has more, just exist gracefully in the world and others will notice the power within you.

In going into situations with other people, be confident but humble, be calm but energized, be interested and moderately enthusiastic about what they say/do but stay grounded in your own morals and opinions, and don't think so much about your internal reactions that you get tangled up in your thoughts and emotions and consequently stop paying attention to what is going on in the group.

I do realize though that this is a more "female" way to live and perhaps men have different pressures and acceptable behaviors when it comes to demonstrating and coping with status/hierarchy/power calculations.

One book that I found very interesting on the subject of women's power was The Princessa, written in the 1980s I think as a kind of American female's response to Machiavelli's The Prince, though I think The Princessa may be out of print now.

Marianne Williamson has written:
"“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
....Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
....It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

[nara]

Why do you continue to hold onto your belifes on power? Do they help you in some way? You already admitted that they stem from you father and they hindered you from performing to your full potential. Are your beliefs on power something you agree with deep down or something you've had to accept to live with a power hungry father?

IMO you need to get rid of them but then again I'm just basing this off of your post. Anything that prevents you from doing what you love and from living intelligently in the moment is unhealthy IMO. Think back to that moment on the stage. What did that moment call for? Did the song require a full ranged powerfull voice or would it have been better conveyed with a more subtle tone? If it required the full range then by God let it out!

Take a step back, expand your awareness for a moment and think about what TRULY mattered in that moment on stage. You'll see that all that truly mattered was performing that song to the best of your abilities. That is what you were being judged on. You were not being judged on how well you could restrain your sense of power.

If it were me, I would work on trying to uproot this belief on power. Often times uprooting a belief is easier than jumping through mental hoops to get the belief to work for us and this complex society we live in.

[Michelle]

Thank you both for your responses.

Perhaps I have expressed myself poorly, I just don't feel I am getting the answers I need.

I am not looking to "be" something for something else whatever that might be - relaxed, happy, energetic, serious - whatever. I am just looking to feel okay being me in the presence of powerful individuals.

I am also not referring to "power" necessarily in the sense of someone at the top of a hierarchy. I mean "power" to be more being centered in one's self, accepting one's self, not hiding or changing things to please other people, and the freedom to live one's best life without fear.

I want the feelings I get while practicing or sometimes onstage such as powerful expression, joy, love, intelligence and understanding to find space in situations where my singing and I am being judged. At the moment, I throw my own "apple pie" out for fear of it bothering someone or simply not being okay in any way.

[alexb5784]

I understand that these people can effect your career in this particular situation, but if things don't work out, is your career over?

I learnt a new phrase recently from Joan Sotkin, who is a great financial coach. She said that most of the time, when we put others before us or make them to seem more important than we are, we say to ourselves:

If anyone has to be uncomfortable, I'll volunteer. (People Pleasing)

What we should say is:

If anyone has to be uncomfortable, it doesn't have to be me!

These people are powerful to you, because you make them powerful in your mind. Yes, they have professional power, but are they the only ones who can break or make your career? No, you are. You are the one with all the power!

Think instead:

If this situation doesn't work out, there are always other oppurtunities out there.

I know it's easier said than done, but if you want to be your best, you'll have to develop this mindset. Take back control of your personal power!

[Michelle]

Thanks for your reply. No, my career is not over. It hasn't even really begun. It was my first such audition, the first step toward the career I want.

You are right about being a people pleaser and volunteering to be uncomfortable. Ugh. It is just hard turning the things I know into things I feel and can act on.

[Dharma]

I took your first post and re-worded it doing the pronoun switching we did before. But this time I threw in a [not] to stress a point.

It seems to me that all of my personal power left the building as soon as I was faced with singing for people whom I consider powerful. My ability to fill the room with my song and personality was squashed by a fear of being too powerful in front of these people.

Rewritten:
It seems to me that all of me left me as soon as I was faced with singing for [not] me. My ability to fill me with my song and personality was squashed by a fear of being too powerful in front me.

Remember when we talked about your professors being not you? It looks like you need to consciously tell yourself that the audience you face and the people who are waiting to hear you sing, are you. You may feel a space open up inside if you remind yourself of this before you sing to others.

My father could not stand anyone around him to be more powerful than himself. Any attempt to be centered in my own power (instead of fearful and cowering in his presence) was squashed.

When I read this I saw "father" as God the father. When you are singing and relaxed you tap into the raw fire that is the root chakra. As you say it, "There is a huge huge huge power running through me". That's the root. When it moves a lot of expansion happens on other levels.

You probably have a polarity set up between you and God. (early religious training?) You said it yourself, "two powerful people cannot exist simultaneously in the same location". And if it's you and God, God wins, he'll knock you down to show you he's the only one allowed to have this awesome power.

When you are practicing, you feel the esence that you are. It's ok because just you know you're powerful beyond belief. In front of your audience it looks like the story changes, and now, "I (the audience) am seeing me in my power... oh, that's bad, because if I'm powerful, I'll remind all of you, you're not." (because there's only room for one powerful person in your belief structure)

So we've got not seeing others as self and a polarity set up between power and being seen. Let me know if this work for you or not.

It's lunchtime here, so I'm going to post this for now.

[Michelle]

Oh Dharma! That is the answer I need. It is so good it makes me cry.

Thank you.