WTF? I have a very distinctive name and someone wants to re-name themselves my name!

[carnelian heart]

Let me start by saying that I have a very distinctive name that needs no last name, like Madonna.

A friend of a friend suddenly wants to start calling herself by my name! It's also bad enough that we are the same age, live in the same city, have the same interests, are the same height, are both thin and both have brown hair!

I'm trying to let go of my attachment to this, but she is kind of crazy and is on pills and stuff and acts really nervous around me, and it's making me uncomfortable. The other night, she came to a closed invitation party with my friend and everyone was trying to be nice, but she was on the defensive about choosing that name, so she was hyper and invading people's spaces.

So what are my options here? Anyone want to chime in? Has anyone else gone through this? I feel like I'm going crazy.

[WordKeeper]

That's a very tough one. All you can do is focus on yourself and your reaction. That's not much help nor much information. But I do hope you get what you need here.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

[sirkinm]

Go rent the movie Single White Female and watch it with her Maybe she'll get the hint.

[ken nubo]

Think of it as a form of flattery
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[TiffyLove]

I know this isn't going to help but you are not your name.

Dis-identify with it and it will no longer bother you, not even if the entire town wants to use your name.

Trust me I know this is not what you want to hear, BUT the universe makes no mistakes, everything happens for a reason.

[spirit4711]

@Carnelian Heart,

You could tell her that her choice is making you feel uncomfortable, and why. Whatever her reaction is, you don't have the only right to that name. If she chooses to keep 'your' name afterwards, I'd put some distance between you and her.

But what you describe is indeed strange behaviour on her side.

[carnelian heart]

Thanks everyone, for your comments of support.

I think I will take the advice of distance. I don't think we would be friends anyway, so that makes sense. I will also non-invite her to future closed parties so this uncomfortableness doesn't happen again.

It is flattery but it is also unflattering for me to be compared to her!

Yes, the name itself is not "mine" in the Buddhist and spiritual sense. I have to let it go. I think perhaps I need to express myself before I let things go, so this was good for me, and I feel better about the situation.

She is going through with it. I don't envy her path right now, either.

Thanks again for the advice. I would still love more advice if there is more out there.

[SarahLuvzYu]

Originally Posted by sirkinm

Go rent the movie Single White Female and watch it with her Maybe she'll get the hint.

YES YES DO THIS. I am deadly serious.

Oh and have you ever thought about just telling her that you don't like her taking your name? I mean yeah sure she's on pills, but seriously if I was in your position I'd have told her from the start. Being straight up is important.

Lol I'm very intrigued about what your name could be now

[JaredR]

Originally Posted by SarahLuvzYu

Lol I'm very intrigued about what your name could be now

Me too! I've been watching this discussion, and I'm very curious!

[Angela]

The name thing is irritating, but I think it's just a symptom -- I think you are "thin-slicing" the situation and your unconscious mind is letting you know there's something to be alert to and uncomfortable about. Listen to that, because it sounds to me like authentic .... I hesitate to use the term, but: fear. This person sounds like she could be an authentic threat, is that what your thin-slicing is giving you? Am I wrong about that?

Whatever the message that your discomfort is trying to get through to you, pay attention and be sure to *get* it -- don't dismiss it as "probably no big deal.'

[carnelian heart]

I spoke with a wise friend about this and we went over the fears of the ego:

I needed to see that I would still be myself with another name, and even if everyone had my name. I needed to see that she is a hurt and floundering individual, and in need of compassion. All this pushing against her was not accomplishing much except for an emotional drain. But if I let the issue push past me, it just works itself out. I can be like a boat above the waters of emotion.

One of my biggest fears is that I'm a bit of a celebrity in my medium-sized town because of the fire dance group I've led for the past 5 years, and that people will mistake me for her or vice versa, but that is something she will have to deal with more than I will. As long as she doesn't take up fire dancing, I think it will be alright. If she does, we will have to have a real talk about what this means.

All this means is that I have lost some of my valued buddhist traits over the years.

[Dot]

Let her use it! Anything short of that is setting up resistance to her - which, in turn, will make her stronger. By you resisting her, it's you - not her - who is making the situation more real.

And help her along! Call her the name all the time. Get all your friends to call her that name, too. Have fun with it. Maybe change your name. Have all your friends change their names.

See where we're going with this... : )

With no resistance, all will right itself in the blink of an eye.

[Holistic Star]

I'm guessing she is pretty insecure and wants some of your celebrity and shine to rub off on her. Even your name sounds like shining stars!

She probably sees you as popular, successful and happy and wants that for herself, but doesn't know how to get it.

What would be most beneficial to her would be helping her identify her true calling and unique talents. I'm not saying this would be you. It sounds like a tough job given where she is at the moment.

I think you are right to act with compassion instead of anger, much more likely to be successful! Perhaps you can help her find a name that has that same star quality but isn't yours.


PS I love fire dancing too (I'm not very good and really need someone to teach me. Shame you are so far away I'd love to have lessons from you)

[Sidhartha91]

All this buddhist mumbo 'don't be attatched' et cetera is all good and well for helping you overcome annoyances like these, but that doesn't mean you don't take any action at all for what YOU want.

She is obviously not in the best state of mind if she is acting like this. You should have just outright told her straight away you feel uncomfortable with her changing her name to yours, and that it is a strange idea. Not with anger or anything, just tell her your thoughts. Surely she would have shyed away from the idea instantly?

Yes acceptance is good - but don't let it overcome you from taking action.

You will get frustrated with her having the same name as you often.

[cibal2009]

Originally Posted by carnelian heart

Let me start by saying that I have a very distinctive name that needs no last name, like Madonna.

A friend of a friend suddenly wants to start calling herself by my name! It's also bad enough that we are the same age, live in the same city, have the same interests, are the same height, are both thin and both have brown hair!

Well, Carnelian. This is a tough one. But after what you say about your friend, I'm inclined to believe she might be a threat, for instance, living through you. You could help her find her own name, but it will be uncomfortable for you to have her known by your name. It may be a good idea for you to separate from her and become a distant friend.

As others, I too am curious what your real name is. C'mon, tell us. Pleeassseee.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cibal2009

As others, I too am curious what your real name is. C'mon, tell us. Pleeassseee.

She did -- see post #11 in this thread.

It's a very beautiful name.

[Plays With Life]

Does she know you're uncomfortable about it?

It's a strange situation

I think if it were me, I would go to the person and tell them that I have some discomfort about the idea. Not say "don't do it" - but rather say that "if you do it, it will make me uncomfortable".

That might be enough for her to decide on her own to not do it. Or it might get her to express what made her want to do it, and lead into a discussion about it that could be useful. Or she could decide to do it regardless of the impact it has on you. But then at least she's aware of what the impact is.

Or maybe she really does just like the name It is a pretty cool name.

[carnelian heart]

I had a great talk with a friend of mine who is a little wiser than I am. She asked me several questions, of them -

Would I be less of who I am since she has the same name?
Am I rebellious? (yes, my moon is in aquarius.) What am I rebelling against?
What does that feel like? What does it feel like to not rebel at all?
How much energy does it take to fight it?
What if the force of that energy were just allowed to pass (as in a martial arts move)?
Who am I with this rebellion?
Who am I without it?

I am going to go the path of non-resistance, but also not hang out with her since it discomforts me.

Thanks everyone, for contributing. This has definitely shed some light on my situation.

Love to you all!

[WordKeeper]

Way to go Carnelian.
I admire your spirit and the way you worked to resolve this issue. Your heart is in the right place and I feel uplifted by this thread.

BTW - your name is beautiful. As I write this I think of the Tibetan buddhist mandelas that are so beautiful but only meant to last a short while. love to you!

[cibal2009]

Yes Carnelian. You made a very wise choice. Your name IS very beautiful. It's easy to see why someone else would like to be identified by it.

[JSB]

How about helping her to find her own name, something that feels right for her?

[princelucfiehr]

Hayzoos-christo! Astrea is a beautiful name, I must say, and its YOUR name. Damnit, dont feel like you have to nice and accepting, just because she's having a tough time, if it really bothers her, she needs to take it up with her parents , who named her. I would be really bothered if someone did this to me (btw, my legal name is Ocean), but I sort of have a different situation with it, but I wont recount it here. This woman, you need to remove her from your life, or do as one of the other psters suggested and get everyone in the group to change their names (or swap names w/ each other) as a sort of discreet mockery of whatever crap she's trying to pull. Really though, dont try to distance yourself from your name or any of that nonsense, its not noble, but silly that youre accomadating and encouraging this woman by treating this course of action as legitimate. If you havent done so already, you and your friends need to tell her that this is not okay. I wouldnt care how cool the name of my friends was, I would never take it because its theirs (though some have taken mine, becasue there was a nickname I preferred and I allowed them to use mine). YOU are Astrea, not this poor, sad, little wannabe. Dont give her your NAME out of pity.

[angus]

FWIW, I also have an unusual name, born with it, and gathered up my thoughts on the matter in this essay.

cheers,
Angus

[carnelian heart]

Wow, Ocean is a *beautiful* name. I bet we would be friends if we lived close to each other.

But just because neither you nor I would take another's name just means we have a respect that others don't. I wish the world was so hip to courtesy, but most of the world is not.

Right now I'm at the point of feeling like "Good luck! Try to pull that one off!"

I have a feeling that she will be compared to me so much that it might change her mind anyway, especially as I am going to distance myself from her as much as I can without putting any energy out there.

And maybe this will only make me stronger.....