I'm emotionally broken....

[Sanity Panda]

My responses to things is totally out of wack.

One of my closer friend had sex with someone, only to have him turn his back by breaking up the following few days. That's the most low thing someone could do, especially when it might have been my friends first experience.

That's not the problem. It's more about me being selfish.

What's weird is that I don't seem to be affected much. I don't know how this reflects on me personally but it's scary. I can't empathise at all with the situation and haven't really offered that much sympathy/comfort looking back on the whole thing. It's a terrible thing to happen, yet why?!

At the same time I'd be conscious of another friend having to go out by herself and being stuck in an awkward situation (She wasn't there for the first friend and consequently will feel a backlash). I feel bad that she has to go through this and so offered to go along with her to ease the situation. Clearly this isn't as big a deal as the first case.

What the hell? What's going on?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

What the hell? What's going on?

What's going on is that you're over there in your friend's business, and you might find more clarity if you allow her the freedom to take care of her own romantic life, while you focus on your own stuff.

That sounds a lot like "mind your own business" but I don't mean it that bluntly -- I mean that as long as you're distracting yourself with the reflections you see in your friends' lives, you're not completely free to build the life you really want -- a life that you are head over heels in love with.

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by Angela

What's going on is that you're over there in your friend's business, and you might find more clarity if you allow her the freedom to take care of her own romantic life, while you focus on your own stuff.

That sounds a lot like "mind your own business" but I don't mean it that bluntly -- I mean that as long as you're distracting yourself with the reflections you see in your friends' lives, you're not completely free to build the life you really want -- a life that you are head over heels in love with.

My life isn't perfect. Part of my ideal would be to be sympathetic and empathetic. Basically my life integrates other people...

I do mind my own business. It's because I mind my own business that I'm concerned. This is meant to be a closer friend of mine, so it'd make sense that I would want to offer support in a time of need. You seem to suggest that I shouldn't bother and focus on my life?

[Angela]

Of course you want to offer support to someone you love!

And the title of your thread is: "I'm emotionally broken."

If you are emotionally broken because of what's going on in someone else's life, and your response (or lack of response) to that, you are absolutely right that something is out of whack.

You are a wonderful person for caring about your friend -- like I said, I don't mean "mind your own business: -- I mean: what are you doing being emotionally broken because of what happens in someone else's life? Would you think that it would be appropriate for HER to be emotionally broken because of something that happens in your life?

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by Angela

Of course you want to offer support to someone you love!

And the title of your thread is: "I'm emotionally broken."

If you are emotionally broken because of what's going on in someone else's life, and your response (or lack of response) to that, you are absolutely right that something is out of whack.

You are a wonderful person for caring about your friend -- like I said, I don't mean "mind your own business: -- I mean: what are you doing being emotionally broken because of what happens in someone else's life? Would you think that it would be appropriate for HER to be emotionally broken because of something that happens in your life?

Oh sorry. I definitely misunderstood your first response then Thank you.

I'm thinking that I'm somewhat broken because I seem to lack appropriate emotional responses to situations that seem obvious they would require them. For example... I do care about my friend.

But I just seem to be so detached from the whole situation that it makes me think - hold a sec - do you really care if you are so unphased by the situation?

You're right though. It'd be silly for me to be broken for her life as it's her own responsibility. It was more along the lines of... her situation revealed something about how I respond to people and I'm confused by that.

[Angela]

Confusion is SUCH a wonderful thing. It means your mind is busy rearranging and integrating and expanding. You''re right on the verge of breakthrough, when you're confused.

You care, and you're detached. That's okay, isn't it? You're okay, aren't you?

[Nani]

You genuinely care about your friend's wellbeing and want her to get better. If she needed help, you would help her. This is far more important than getting any emotional reaction out of yourself. Just being there for her, and helping her any way you can is the compassionate thing to do.

And when you think about it, is it really a good idea to join another person in their suffering? It doesn't help them in any way. The only difference it makes is that instead of one person being sad, there are two.

Maybe the issue here isn't really your emotions, but how to be a good friend and reach out to others? You say you haven't offered much sympathy or support for her because you feel so detached and can't relate. But you can offer sympathy and support without feeling that sadness, they don't necessarily go together. Try calling her, or asking her how she feels or how she's doing.

[blossom]

I just joined the other day, and I know this thread stopped about 4 months ago. I just wanted to give my input , as I have felt the same at different times, and I have been on the other side of the fence as well, where I have felt that people I thought were my friends seemed to not care enough or sympathize enough with me when I was going through stuff.
One thing I realized though is that noone really understands what another person is experiencing in their own reality...and how can they? They are in their own reality, going through their own stuff, and often one person will be in a good place while another will be in a pit, at the same time...so it's very hard to actually come down from your peak and put yourself in a pit for a friends sake...and I'm not sure it's a reasonable thing to ask of anyone. People can only understand things intellectually when a person is going through something emotional...unless they go through it themselves. It doesn't help your friend to beat yourself up about not being able to fully understand her sitch. Being there for her and listening to her vent till it annoys the crap out of you...is what a friend is for!

[James81]

Originally Posted by Sanity Panda

......totally out of wack.

........That's the most low thing ........

.....but it's scary. I can't empathise .....It's a terrible thing ......being stuck ..... I feel bad .....
What the hell? What's going on?

Just thought I'd cut out the other stuff and let you focus totally on the way you describe things and how they might play into how you feel. Also take note of the title. "I'm emotionally broken."

It's important to take note of the way you describe yourself and the situations that happen around you. We have a tendency to focus on the extreme emotions that a situation brings us, and thus we use extreme language to describe it, blowing things way out of proportion.

If you describe yourself as "emotionally broken" do you really think that, by giving yourself that description, you can be anything OTHER than "emotionally broken"?

What if you chose not to label yourself as your emotions at all?

What if, instead of saying "I'm emotionally broken," you instead said, "Sometimes it's hard for me to empathise with someone's pain"?

Also, realizing that just because you don't feel "pain" when something bad happens to someone else (even if they are close to you), doesn't mean that you are "broken" anyway. We are told by society to feel bad about a whole host of things. Or to feel good about them.

I'll give you an example, and this might surprise you....

All the time, I hear people say when their children was born that they "fell in love with them the minute they saw them." So, naturally, after hearing everybody say this, I developed a belief that when my kids were born, I'd fall in love with them the minute I saw them.

Fast forward. We're at the hospital and my son is born. They wipe him off and hand him to me. I look down at him and feel....

Excitement....yes.
Happiness....yes.
Love.....uh, wtf is wrong with me? I'm supposed to fall in love with this little guy immediately, and I did NOT have that feeling. I felt awful all day. I, of course, faked it cause I didn't want people to know how horrible a person I was.

That night, my ex was asleep and he started whimpering in his bassinet (in the hospital). So I walk over and pick him up, change his diaper, and give him a bottle. Then I just sat in the rocking chair and held him and rocked him while he cooed. And it was like, in that very moment the love for him just flooded all down over me. I still remember that moment and that experience and I'll remember it for the rest of my life.

After that, I realized that I don't *HAVE* to fall in love with my child the minute I lay eyes on him/her. That's not really all that realistic anyway. Love is a bond, so how can you feel that love when you don't have any of those bonds to begin with? Having a child is no different that any other relationship...it takes time to build that deep, unconditional love you have for them and it grows more and more over time. It's not an instantaneous thing at all.

It's a similar thing with your situation. You don't *have* to feel an emotion just because you know it's the "right" thing to do. You feel what you feel and you make no apologies for it.