I'm Troubled (Save yourself some trouble and don't even read this)

[Aether]

Hahahaha...sorry, I just felt I had to get that out first. Wonder if this fits here...

I'm troubled. I think I am, at least. I can't stop thinking, it's past midnight and I've got school in 7 hours but I don't mind. I've had other nights like this. I just think. I can't stop thinking. Maybe I can? But I don't. I keep thinking. I just kind of don't care. There's so much that I've been exposed to, I'd say earlier I could handle it, but maybe it just needed time to come out, whatever I have right now. I was probably wrong, or maybe something changed? Maybe I need to address that. Haha, this is probably hard to understand since I'm not in a mindset suitable for conversation, just ranting. Ha, my mind laughs, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Just this laughter in my head, running like some audio track on repeat. There's this annoying gnat that keeps coming around. I want to kill it. What is the value of life? My life. Yours. The lives of others. Social dynamics. I went to the school psychologist today. Nice lady, she was. So much. I wish I could talk face to face with someone, or find a better means of communication cause I can't stop. Now I stopped...ah, by reading this, you probably have an idea of my thought process..possibly. I think so much, about so many things...I feel like I'm anxious for something, but I don't know what. I want to go out and explore, see the world. Architecture. Make a building. Something different that hasn't been made before. Something. So much pain in the world. Suffering. I think never in my life have I been as I am now. Is this experience bad? Will it benefit me? Probably, but I want it to stop. I feel trapped. Like there's so much for me, but I can't seize what I want. I'm 15. Freshman. Tired...I think I'll sleep now. Finally, a relief. I want you to ask me questions because right now I don't know what to say...what to answer. Please ask me questions. I'm alive...hm. I'm just typing what I think here. This is my state of mind right now. It's a mess. Is it? Maybe I just think it's a mess. I keep asking questions...I don't take time to answer them, I don't think I have the answers. I think it's okay to not have the answers, I'm sure you'd agree. Even answers...nothing is ever clear-cut, positive. Not even conceptual things, like math. Time. I don't know. Maybe this should be deleted? But I want to get this out there. I've been holding too much inside, too much, and I don't like it, I don't want to fill up. I feel like I need to explode...I don't know. Ask questions. Maybe give advice, God Bless one who can give advice. I don't even have faith in God. I'm agnostic. Hahahaha...the laughter in my head. But I don't feel happy. In an instant now, I went blank. I'd like to end like this. I want to sleep, stop thinking. Good night.

P.S. I read this over. I well up. Tears never come out though. I wish a river would flow out of me. The river doesn't come. Is it me? Does it not want to? Chemical imbalance? I want to cry. I want to cry so bad. Emotions...I'm a guy, for reference. XD Faint laughter, kind of funny. I'm not laughing though. I'm blank again. I hate this gnat.

[Manomanman]

I can't really relate to what you're saying. It's stream-of-conscious style writing that doesn't give me any concrete idea of how to respond.

I hope it was cathartic to write all that? And are you seeking attention?

[specialagentdalecooper]

All that I can say that would even approach being helpful is that I fully identify. I'm only a little older than you (18) and going through what it sounds like you're going through, clinical depression. I understand the rush of thoughts coming through your head that just won't shut up, and at bottom feel just an irrational agony and you have no idea why. I also understand needing to cry but not being able. I wish I had "advice" to give you but I just have sympathy, and even that's a little tough for me since so much of my energy is being sucked into self-pity. I know that there is a solution to depression (whether it is mainly psychological or chemical, and of course it is a little of both for everyone) but I feel trapped and like I'm not making progress. I cut myself almost every night and have tried to kill myself multiple times.

Another thing that rings a bell for me is that you're intentionally belittling yourself, it seems. Why shouldn't people read about your problems? Some people care, and really know how to help you. That's the only thought that gives me any comfort sometimes. Since I know I simply don't have the resources I need to keep going without outside help, I can't afford to feel, "I'm not worth it. I'm not important," but I'm sure that's what's going through your head. Don't let that become a mantra, because it's a lie straight from hell. (And I'm more or less agnostic.)

Try to quiet your mind if only for a moment, and let yourself feel what it is exactly is fueling all the thoughts. There is something, some trigger or emotion or memory. Talk to the psychologist again, talk to everybody, talk to *anybody* not yourself; it's the only way to get out of the trap and kill the gnat. Sometimes, the voices in my head get so thick that I'm hardly certain whether I'm awake or dreaming.

I feel like a total hypocrite giving any kind of advice. I know it's true, but I don't know how to take it myself. Does any of this make sense or help in any way? Or maybe I've just been entirely self-serving. Whatever. God bless you and protect you, in any case. And my sympathies.

[A GROWING MIND]

Sounds like you are having racing thoughts... You are not alone in this problem. It can often be caused by anxiety/depression. I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression and although I dont usually have the racing thoughts anymore it an turn into different things. I would talk to a therapist for sure and maybe see a doctor. Maybe try some meditation and try to calm your mind down. If you absolutely have to I would try meds but only as a last resort. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Aether]

Thank you all for the replies. I do appreciate them.

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I hope it was cathartic to write all that? And are you seeking attention?

I do feel it was a good thing, releasing some of what was building up, even though it wasn't very clear. I'm not sure if I'm seeking attention, I don't know what my intentions are. Most likely I just wanted to put myself out there, and hope that maybe someone who could relate could help me. I'm very confused though. It's not a very good feeling, like you're just scattered, and you don't have a frame. It's hard to type in words that people will understand but I feel like this needs to be addressed. I want to deal with this because it's taking my time (I spend hours thinking), and maybe it can lead to some sort of productivity. In the title, I really did think that it would be in a person's best interest to avoid my thread. I didn't start off with something people would easily be able to respond to..

[Aether]

I feel much better now. I find it funny how I can switch so easily from one side of the spectrum to another, so quickly. I don't know what the problem was...is this bad or good? I don't want it to come back, since the only exit I can see on that path is not an exit. Just some downward descent on an endless path that doesn't benefit me. I think a lot of the questions I have are more moral and ethical things, which belong in another place, so I'll address those there.

Originally Posted by specialagentdalecooper

All that I can say that would even approach being helpful is that I fully identify. I'm only a little older than you (18) and going through what it sounds like you're going through, clinical depression.

Hm, I didn't think of clinical depression. It is nice to know that there are people other than me who are going through the same or similar things. It's also kind of depressing.

I understand the rush of thoughts coming through your head that just won't shut up, and at bottom feel just an irrational agony and you have no idea why.

I wonder why I can get more emotional over trivial things involving myself than when I think of things that involve the world.

I also understand needing to cry but not being able. I wish I had "advice" to give you but I just have sympathy, and even that's a little tough for me since so much of my energy is being sucked into self-pity.

Your sympathy is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I know that there is a solution to depression (whether it is mainly psychological or chemical, and of course it is a little of both for everyone) but I feel trapped and like I'm not making progress.

I hope we both find the solution.

I cut myself almost every night and have tried to kill myself multiple times.

Wow, I don't have it this bad. I think I can offer the advice keeping me alive right now. Hope. It may seem cliche, but it's there. Think about the possibilities, the future. Be positive with your thoughts, Also, music. Motivational stuff or things that can change our mood. You could use it to keep your thoughts focused on one thing. I think the way it works is you divert some attention to the music, taking away from the voices. I think what I need is to find a way to be energetic, like I am when I have conversation with myself, but be positive with that energy. The pyschologist said to find something to take my mind off of the obsession I have with unanswerable questions, something that can help me connect with others and increase my well being. A biking club, or something. I like the freedom of riding a bike, and even though the cage I feel may be entirely psychological, I like feeling free. That whole paragraph may have been self-serving, but I hope you got something out of it. I did...I think? I feel hypocritical here.

Another thing that rings a bell for me is that you're intentionally belittling yourself, it seems. Why shouldn't people read about your problems? Some people care, and really know how to help you. That's the only thought that gives me any comfort sometimes. Since I know I simply don't have the resources I need to keep going without outside help, I can't afford to feel, "I'm not worth it. I'm not important," but I'm sure that's what's going through your head. Don't let that become a mantra, because it's a lie straight from hell. (And I'm more or less agnostic.)

For me it's more of the worth of life in general, not just mine. The life of you and me to that of the cockroaches we step on and the cows we eat. I do think I belittle myself too much though. Like I'm just an ant in this large place. I tried to come up with something positive, a better outlook, but I think I need some help on this.

Try to quiet your mind if only for a moment, and let yourself feel what it is exactly is fueling all the thoughts. There is something, some trigger or emotion or memory. Talk to the psychologist again, talk to everybody, talk to *anybody* not yourself; it's the only way to get out of the trap and kill the gnat. Sometimes, the voices in my head get so thick that I'm hardly certain whether I'm awake or dreaming.

I think it's that I just feel unsure. Of myself, my future, the future of others, the past, why people don't learn from mistakes, the hate, war for peace, oxymorons that obviously make no sense, the division of nations, the division of people based on religion which is something which should be linking people together as that is the meaning from which it was derived from. Too many people making judgements when they're in no position to make such judgements. *sigh* Yeah. Unsatisfaction? I'm probably going to have to focus more on what is good, or when thinking of things find solutions as well, rather than just *itch and moan.

I feel like a total hypocrite giving any kind of advice. I know it's true, but I don't know how to take it myself. Does any of this make sense or help in any way? Or maybe I've just been entirely self-serving. Whatever. God bless you and protect you, in any case. And my sympathies.

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling hypocritical. I offer good advice (or at least others think it's good advice) even when I'm not at my best or feel like I'm a contradiction of what I feel preach. Your reply really did help, thank you. I offer you my sympathy as well, if that will help. I think the emotions that come to me are summoned by the distress I get when my mind doesn't know and it races, the hamster running the wheel, dying, broken leg, still running...and it doesn't want to stop. I'll make sure it stops. I hope life gets better for you, for everyone in pain...connect. I like that word. It feels congruent with who I am. Or something.

[Manomanman]

I can sort of visualize how you feel. I get like this all the time - I feel like there's nobody out there who can relate to what I'm feeling. In reality, there ARE people out there who can relate, but there are VERY VERY few of them.

And in reality, whether they can relate to me is irrelevant, because it's not like that solves any of my practical day-to-day problems. Our biggest problem is that we lack a solid identity.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm consciousness and nothing more. I feel like everybody else is grounded in some kind of physical reality that I don't get to take part of. I'm actually starting to understand why that is (clinicians call it dissociation) and taking steps to increase my sense of "identity". I think having a strong sense of self helps remove some of this stream-of-consciousness impulse. Being productive, feeling like you matter, connecting with other humans can pull you out of this mental fog.

Give me some feedback on whether this advice helps.

[specialagentdalecooper]

Originally Posted by Aether

I feel much better now. I find it funny how I can switch so easily from one side of the spectrum to another, so quickly. I don't know what the problem was...is this bad or good?

I can get into a really horrible place and the next day not understand why in the world I would get so upset. Is that kind of what you mean?

I don't want it to come back, since the only exit I can see on that path is not an exit. Just some downward descent on an endless path that doesn't benefit me. I think a lot of the questions I have are more moral and ethical things, which belong in another place, so I'll address those there. Hm, I didn't think of clinical depression. It is nice to know that there are people other than me who are going through the same or similar things. It's also kind of depressing. I wonder why I can get more emotional over trivial things involving myself than when I think of things that involve the world. Your sympathy is greatly appreciated. Thank you. I hope we both find the solution.

Well, thank you. I also hope it doesn't come back for you, or that you find a healthy solution to it. It sounds like part of your problem is that you're really, really smart (because that's a blessing and a curse.) Just remember you don't have to answer all the questions. Hell, at 15, you don't really have to answer any of them, and no one in their right mind expects you to.

Wow, I don't have it this bad.

Thank God, and I don't wish it on you, but not to sound dramatic, at 15 I could have written exactly the post you did. (And yes, I have to fight with myself not to talk like I'm your mother. )

I think I can offer the advice keeping me alive right now. Hope. It may seem cliche, but it's there. Think about the possibilities, the future. Be positive with your thoughts, Also, music. Motivational stuff or things that can change our mood. You could use it to keep your thoughts focused on one thing. I think the way it works is you divert some attention to the music, taking away from the voices. I think what I need is to find a way to be energetic, like I am when I have conversation with myself, but be positive with that energy. The pyschologist said to find something to take my mind off of the obsession I have with unanswerable questions, something that can help me connect with others and increase my well being. A biking club, or something. I like the freedom of riding a bike, and even though the cage I feel may be entirely psychological, I like feeling free. That whole paragraph may have been self-serving, but I hope you got something out of it. I did...I think? I feel hypocritical here.

That's not hypocritical at all, it's great advice. We should probably both take it, I suspect that going more for me than for you.

For me it's more of the worth of life in general, not just mine. The life of you and me to that of the cockroaches we step on and the cows we eat.

Speak for yourself, I don't eat any cows.

I do think I belittle myself too much though.

Duh, sir.

I think it's that I just feel unsure. Of myself, my future, the future of others, the past, why people don't learn from mistakes, the hate, war for peace, oxymorons that obviously make no sense, the division of nations, the division ...

You and me and every other human being. Yes, there are people who are sure, but they're very, very dangerous. Thank God or the universe or whoever or whatever you want to thank that you've got the sanity to be unsure about those things.

Don't feel bad or beat yourself up for feeling hypocritical.

Oh, I know that I'm a hypocrite, that's no trouble. I just don't want to do you a disservice by playing know-it-all mommy, which I often do.

I think the emotions that come to me are summoned by the distress I get when my mind doesn't know and it races, the hamster running the wheel, dying, broken leg, still running...and it doesn't want to stop.

That doesn't sound like depression to you? Well, it sure doesn't sound like you're taking a stroll through the rose garden.

I'll make sure it stops. I hope life gets better for you, for everyone in pain...connect. I like that word. It feels congruent with who I am. Or something.

Like E. M. Forster, "only connect." Well, good luck, and I'll stop jabbering at you now. You have a lovely spirit.

[Aether]

Oh, wow, I typed up this ridiculously long response and I absentmindedly click a link somewhere and now it's gone. I spent the last hour doing nothing but typing up the response. Heh. I guess I'll re-type what I used to be here and shorten it since I let out a lot of energy already and I want to get some sleep sometime soon.

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I can sort of visualize how you feel. I get like this all the time - I feel like there's nobody out there who can relate to what I'm feeling. In reality, there ARE people out there who can relate, but there are VERY VERY few of them.

And in reality, whether they can relate to me is irrelevant, because it's not like that solves any of my practical day-to-day problems. Our biggest problem is that we lack a solid identity.

I'd say what a person who relates can contribute is a sense of feeling like you're not alone or that you "belong" possibly. This can be a very valuable thing, I think. I agree that it doesn't solve problems though. One of my main problems is that I lack of a clear cut definition as to what defines the self or identity. Beyond that, it's mostly the worth of identity.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm consciousness and nothing more. I feel like everybody else is grounded in some kind of physical reality that I don't get to take part of. I'm actually starting to understand why that is (clinicians call it dissociation) and taking steps to increase my sense of "identity". I think having a strong sense of self helps remove some of this stream-of-consciousness impulse. Being productive, feeling like you matter, connecting with other humans can pull you out of this mental fog.

I think others just don't take the time to go over what defines the self, their identity. At least, not people at my age. I could be wrong though, so I figure I'll ask some "normal" (no hostility here) people what identity and the self are and hopefully get a few laughs out of the answers. I'll definitely take your advice. One thing I have trouble with is feeling like I matter. "Cogito, ergo sum" helps with existence, but not in establishing the worth of existence. I typed up one of my inner arguments but it's gone now and my mother wants me to sleep and I feel I've given her enough trouble today so I'll oblige. I think I need it anyway.

Give me some feedback on whether this advice helps.

Your advice really did help me and now I have a sense of direction. Thank you.

[esmas]

Listen to Pink Floyd or Neil Young with the lights dimmed and a candle lit. Maybe a couple of incenses burning. Read a book (not self-help books). Go for a run or play some sport. Go take a shower. Beach. Stand out in the rain. The list is endless.

Instead of bottling up your thoughts. Pick one and explore it and put it to good use. However that may be.

But when you go into a manic panic attack go on the internet and search your symptoms. Knowing what your going through is a common problem for others to can be very comforting. Visit forums stuff like that.

[Chillax]

Originally Posted by Aether

Hahahaha...sorry, I just felt I had to get that out first. Wonder if this fits here...

I'm troubled. I think I am, at least. I can't stop thinking, it's past midnight and I've got school in 7 hours but I don't mind. I've had other nights like this. I just think. I can't stop thinking. Maybe I can? But I don't. I keep thinking. I just kind of don't care. There's so much that I've been exposed to, I'd say earlier I could handle it, but maybe it just needed time to come out, whatever I have right now. I was probably wrong, or maybe something changed? Maybe I need to address that. Haha, this is probably hard to understand since I'm not in a mindset suitable for conversation, just ranting. Ha, my mind laughs, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Just this laughter in my head, running like some audio track on repeat. There's this annoying gnat that keeps coming around. I want to kill it. What is the value of life? My life. Yours. The lives of others. Social dynamics. I went to the school psychologist today. Nice lady, she was. So much. I wish I could talk face to face with someone, or find a better means of communication cause I can't stop. Now I stopped...ah, by reading this, you probably have an idea of my thought process..possibly. I think so much, about so many things...I feel like I'm anxious for something, but I don't know what. I want to go out and explore, see the world. Architecture. Make a building. Something different that hasn't been made before. Something. So much pain in the world. Suffering. I think never in my life have I been as I am now. Is this experience bad? Will it benefit me? Probably, but I want it to stop. I feel trapped. Like there's so much for me, but I can't seize what I want. I'm 15. Freshman. Tired...I think I'll sleep now. Finally, a relief. I want you to ask me questions because right now I don't know what to say...what to answer. Please ask me questions. I'm alive...hm. I'm just typing what I think here. This is my state of mind right now. It's a mess. Is it? Maybe I just think it's a mess. I keep asking questions...I don't take time to answer them, I don't think I have the answers. I think it's okay to not have the answers, I'm sure you'd agree. Even answers...nothing is ever clear-cut, positive. Not even conceptual things, like math. Time. I don't know. Maybe this should be deleted? But I want to get this out there. I've been holding too much inside, too much, and I don't like it, I don't want to fill up. I feel like I need to explode...I don't know. Ask questions. Maybe give advice, God Bless one who can give advice. I don't even have faith in God. I'm agnostic. Hahahaha...the laughter in my head. But I don't feel happy. In an instant now, I went blank. I'd like to end like this. I want to sleep, stop thinking. Good night.

P.S. I read this over. I well up. Tears never come out though. I wish a river would flow out of me. The river doesn't come. Is it me? Does it not want to? Chemical imbalance? I want to cry. I want to cry so bad. Emotions...I'm a guy, for reference. XD Faint laughter, kind of funny. I'm not laughing though. I'm blank again. I hate this gnat.

That used to happen to me too, my mind would just start racing at night. When that happens, just remember, nothing is every accomplished from these late night thoughts, they are just empty dreams.

If you wanna let your mind race, let it free during the DAY, when you can actually make a difference. Don't let your mind race at night when everything is done, you'll just feel empty the next day.

I hope you know what I mean.

If life dosen't make sense to you, maybe you're just looking at it the wrong way? I know that was the case with me when I was religious.