Please help- I want to commit suicide

[Emaaki]

Thankyou all very much. i will tell you a bit about what i did, for 3 years i tried to be a very strong person, like "the best"- not the best i could be, but the best...well my image was....what I thought looked really good to others. i was a real fool. i was extremely hard on myself, like i literally tried to acheive a million goals per day because this book deluded me into thinking i could acheive anything.....okay i got where i thought i wanted, but really i lost soo much of myself, and yes today i am very strong and confident, but i hate it also because I lost a really sweet guy, and...all these changes were to please others anyway....well..i am going on a journey, its going to be a long one...reversing what i did, i might be going backwards with some things, but oh well, whatever makes me happy right.

[lisamelinda]

i'm so glad you have decided not to go ahead with your plan. i hope you will continue receiving help, and post if you feel overwhelmed again. if one book didn't work for you, then discard it and continue searching until you find the things that do work for you. it's an exciting journey really. i think it was steve who said one real broken heart is better than a million imagined ones! so happy you have found the courage to keep going on. imagine how you can harness that amazing courage in your life! i would say first step, learn to love yourself. x

[wolfgang]

It's inspiring to hear that you called the help line!

You are courageous.

[timothydrake]

go Get Professional Help Now! Listen To Us! We Love You! Your Life Is Precious To Us!! We Are Listening! Please Get Help!!

[Lupe]

listen to this cheerful song:
YouTube - Jaurim - Ha Ha Ha Song MV (w/ English subs)

[Andrew Brunelle]

This is not a good idea, for me at least. I can't say for sure whether you should end your life or not. We're always told that suicide is so bad, but sometimes it is necessary. For the problems you described, it seems kind of childish to kill yourself over a relationship. You can find another one any day if you really put your mind to it. You said you've changed and he won't accept it. Move along. Find someone who will. There's a solution to your problems, you just need to want it and go looking for it.

I'm sure there is some pain you are feeling. Talk to someone about it, maybe even a therapist. If you want to end your life, you are responsible for doing it. You have to take full responsibility for it. If you're willing to do that and end your life, best of luck to you in the ether.

[AlexL]

Emaaki,
I understand your situation quite well. I, too, was a people pleaser who built my self-esteem on the images I believed I was planting in the minds of everyone with whom I had a relationship: that I was strong, confident, wise--the person everyone went to for help and advice.

What I didn't realize was that in doing this I became unable to set appropriate boundaries with others (eg-say "no") because that meant risking them seeing me in a less-than-flattering light. Even though I remained unconscious of this limitation, that was okay because I felt strong enough to handle helping all the people I was helping. But even the strongest people have limits. Also, I lost sight of what my needs were being so focused on meeting the needs of others. I call this the "good guy contract": I will help you, be nice to you, acquiesce to all your requests, and in return you will like me and view me as strong and confident and wise. Until I learned to derive my self-esteem wholly internally, I was at the mercy of the opinion of everyone around me.

Does any of this sound familiar?

AlexL
Happiness in this World

[Lupe]

listen to this song.

필승 (Certain Victory) [over the despair of separation]
YouTube - 서태지(Seo taiji) - 필승(certain victory) MV

Rap:
난 버림받았어 I was abandoned
한마디로 얘기하자면 보 기좋게 차인것 같아 in a word, it seems i was beautifully dumped
빌어먹을 damn it
내 가슴속엔 아직도 네가 살아있어 u are still living inside my heart

Scream:
정말 난 바보였어 몰랐었어 I was really a fool, I didn't know
나를 사랑한다 생각했어 i thought you loved me
내 마음도 널 사랑했기에 because i also loved u
내가 가진 전부를 줘버렸어 i gave u my everything
넌 왔다갔어 이런 날벼락이 u came n went i was thunderstruck
이 세상에 혼자 남은듯한 felt as if i was the only one left in the world
하늘이 무너져 내리고 있어 the sky is crashing down
그리고 자꾸 깊은 곳으로 떨어져 n keep falling into the deep
(brief instrumental solo)
아무도 모르게 without anybody knowing
내속에서 살고있는 널 죽일꺼야. i'll kill u living inside me
내인생 내길을 망쳐버린 네 모습을 없애놓을꺼야 i'll obliterate ur appearance that ruined my life n my way

(instrumental solo)
잘못봤어 손해를 봤어 saw it wrong, suffered a loss
잘못봤어 손해를 봤어 saw it wrong, suffered a loss


Scream:
그렇게 사랑스럽던 네가 u who was so lovely
나에겐 눈물을 보일 기회도 주지 않았었지 didn't even give me a chance to show my tears.
아무일도 난 잡히지 않고 i can't handle anything now
왜 아무것도 들리지도 보이지도 않나 y can't i see or hear anything?

허우적대고 있었지 i was struggling
내 생활은 칙칙하게 됐어 my life became gloomy
앞뒤가 맞지가 않잖아 front n back don't match (it doesn't make any sense)
나는 이를 악물고 오히려 잘됐어 I clench my teeth, n so much the better!
아무도 모르게 without anybody knowing
내속에서 살고있는 널 죽일거야 i'll kill u living inside me
내인생 내길을 망쳐버린 네 모습을 없애놓을거야 i'll obliterate ur appearance that ruined my life n my way
아무도 모르게 아무도 모르게 without anybody knowing without anybody knowing
설레였던 나의 마음을 아름답던 기억들을 없애놓을거야 I'll obliterate the memories of fluttering heart n beautiful memories,
밤새우며 그리워한 많은 날들을 the days that I missed while not being able to sleep,
미치도록 사랑스런 너의 모습을 the crazily lovely appearance of yours.

[CroMagna]

If you're feeling suicidal, I don't think one conversation will make you unsuicidal. I think you should do a great deal of work in terms of seeking professional help, changing your diet/sleep habits, changing your job/daily routine, improving your appearance, changing your religion/beliefs/political values, etc. We're talkin' major overhaul kid.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

Thankyou all very much. i will tell you a bit about what i did, for 3 years i tried to be a very strong person, like "the best"- not the best i could be, but the best...well my image was....what I thought looked really good to others. i was a real fool. i was extremely hard on myself, like i literally tried to acheive a million goals per day because this book deluded me into thinking i could acheive anything.....okay i got where i thought i wanted, but really i lost soo much of myself, and yes today i am very strong and confident, but i hate it also because I lost a really sweet guy, and...all these changes were to please others anyway....well..i am going on a journey, its going to be a long one...reversing what i did, i might be going backwards with some things, but oh well, whatever makes me happy right.

Use what you've learnt and the wisdom you've gained to go back to what's important to you and only reverse those things that are negative. There's no need to revert everything.

The other thing to do is figure out what you've learnt. You've lost and felt trapped, shameful and guilty, but you are still alive and anything can be mended. Just ask yourself what lessons you have learned from this experience.

[Eternas]

Strange..Why do you want to kill yourself?You have soo much too live and to love.

[RRR]

Have you heard about therapy?

I strongly suggest you call a hospital or go to your doctor and tell them what has happened. Therapy is excellent. Ask the doctor to recommend a therapist.

The reality is you are very strong and very confident. It takes a lot of confidence to believe you are right that life isn't worth living. It takes a lot of strength to prepare and drink drain cleaner. It sounds like you were very hard on yourself. You are very hard on yourself, drinking poison over a failed relationship and mistakes is being very hard on yourself. I'm glad you didn't kill yourself, once you learn how to direct your strength, confidence, and determination towards your own desires you will be a great person.

Talk to a doctor and start seeing a therapist.

[alreturnslol]

Emaaki,

There are literally hundreds of different schools of learning that have worked for someone else out there. I am glad you are feeling better, but I would really encourage you to look deeply into them all until you find one that works for you.

[akoma]

It is great you've decided to chose life over death. I hope to run into you once so you can be the one to save me...

[TheSceptic]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

Thankyou all very much. i will tell you a bit about what i did, for 3 years i tried to be a very strong person, like "the best"- not the best i could be, but the best...well my image was....what I thought looked really good to others. i was a real fool. i was extremely hard on myself, like i literally tried to acheive a million goals per day because this book deluded me into thinking i could acheive anything.....okay i got where i thought i wanted, but really i lost soo much of myself, and yes today i am very strong and confident, but i hate it also because I lost a really sweet guy, and...all these changes were to please others anyway....well..i am going on a journey, its going to be a long one...reversing what i did, i might be going backwards with some things, but oh well, whatever makes me happy right.

Somehow I believe that it is precisely your current unhappiness with where you are and how you behave which proves that that real "you" is still in there, somewhere. Maybe it's the real you which is unhappy..

I don't know you very well, but I wish you love in life again anyways.

[Alan McDougall]

Hi,

As a sufferer of extreme manic depression I can really identify with you. But there is such good medical help today and you should explore those options.

Suicide must not be the last option, you must abandon that as an option as that will achieve nothing.

Life is a precious gift from God and murdering yourself in my opinion is like spitting into the face of God

Tears come in the nights of sorrow but a new dawn of joy will always happen. Be patient and "learn to love yourself for the very special person your are"

Self hate is the greatest crime

Love

Uncle

Alan

[Starman]

Be sure to think it over a million times before taking your life - it's grossly over-rated.

It's nothing like you might expect.

As you’re going out, and you’re life is slipping away, you’ll feel a horrible blackness that’s impossible to describe, that will make the distress you’ve felt seem like a sunny day in the park.

Five seconds before you’re all gone is when you realize what you’re about to give up, that no longer will you feel the sun shining on your face, or the breeze moving your hair. Five seconds before you’re gone, you realize that you’re new home is a tiny little box, hideously dark, terribly cold, buried six-feet under the ground, and there’s nothing you can do to turn back. Look in the mirror and imagine your face rotting off to the bone. Any damage you think you've done to yourself can't even come close to this.

While you’re alive, there’s the potential to recover, and even go beyond anything you thought possible. Anyone that tells you death is peaceful is either lying, has never seen it, or is so overcome with the horror of it, the only way they can go on is to deny it. If you kill yourself, you’ll be so, so sorry for doing so! All your other mistakes will pale in comparison.

Here's a better idea - turn this around!

As long as you're alive, it's not too late. Others have been through worse and come through it, and made a terrific life in spite of it; so can you.

[Aleksander Krstic]

Originally Posted by Starman

Be sure to think it over a million times before taking your life - it's grossly over-rated...

And exactly how do you know all this?

[sirkinm]

Originally Posted by Aleksander Krstic

And exactly how do you know all this?

It almost sounds like Starman recovered from a suicide attempt, but regardless, many people who attempt suicide and don't succeed will say that they immediately experience intense regret the moment after they initiate the attempt.

In fact, listen to the last This American Life podcast (last week's episode), where an author recounts how he tried to end his life by setting himself on fire while in high school. He later went on to write a book about it called The Burn Journals. Bottom line is that he instantly felt regret.

Indeed, the saying is that people, when they make the jump (or however they attempt it), immediately are overcome with an intense desire to live and a realization that there was nothing in their life that couldn't be remedied, except for stepping off the ledge.

[rajiv159]

Dear Emaaki,
you are at breakthrough point where your choice make ur destiny.
the best thing you did tht u posted ur question.
the Universe want to be more than who you are as a person that is y u got in this situation. May be later you realize that he didnt suit you. and universe wanted you to be a more powerful and lovable person.
yes a breakup makes you dead from inside. and this is the opprtunity to know realise the death in daily life.
now many people give time to read self help books. you were on the right path. it is time for you to handle your frustration and trun in to golden light inside you.
you are going to be a new wonderful human being.
i can suggest you some book that helped me.
one is heal your life by louise l hay.
other one is practising the power of now by echratt tolle.

you have takend risk to love someone and you will get reward form your inner soul. i think ur life is more meanings and challanges that make you worhty and success.

actualli i understood in my life that every outward succes goes into failure. and you are so honest to urself to realise that you failed somewhere.
so the meaning of ture success come and grab you.

and also it is in the images that we see the past situation and make it bigger. it is in our ability to brust those unwanted images like a baloon. and make images of ourselves as smiling and contribuiting. see u.

Originally Posted by Emaaki

I want to because of all the decisions i have made over the past 3 years. i read a self help book, and took it word for word, and tried to become perfect, as well as pleasing everyone around me. I have now developed into a person thati hate. i met who could have been the love of my life, but since i had changed, i didn't suit him any more.

I NEVER WANT 2 BE WITH ANYONE ELSE THO!!! IT WAS MEANT TO BE HIM!!!

I have also thrown away alot of my youth as through tryng to be perfect, i matured way too much, and also crushed alot of my dreams. i am no longer that sweet girl who shoud have been patient with herself, i am an old minded freak who just managed to through away the most important person in the world to her. And no, i can't get through this. also because I have ruined too many things that i can never reverse. I am a failure, and I am going to end my life, as i am already dead inside anyway.