How to resist the urge?

[Ronnock]

Hi, first and foremost because I have a pet peeve about giving too much info on the net, I'm going to be vague about the details of the scenario, but I'll try to give as much detail as I can about the problem.

So I'm going on a trip soon to a romantic city and it's going to be with a group of people from my old high school. One of those people is going to be one of my ex-girlfriends whom I'm still very much attracted to, but as a rule of our break-up (made by me) I can't be "just friends" with her because I feel too strongly about her and to be just a friend would tear me up inside (I've already tried and it nearly drove me to suicide...along with a multitude of other things).

To give more info on this desperation, we dated for about 9 months and this spring break trip would've been our one-year anniversary.

Also...I guess for more info, I can say that while I was at college I thought I wanted to break up with her, and I tried to a couple of times, but I realized each time that I was making a mistake (emotions play an interesting part in guiding our decisions). Then (convinced by partly my other self, and my friends) I decided to officially break up with her. When I got home after a couple of days from college, I met up with her again at this meeting for the trip we're going on. When I saw her again, I realized how much of a mistake I had made and tried to reconcile to no avail.

I guess my main question is: Do any of you believe that if she still feels the same way again that we should give it another go? Do you think I should just resist the urge and wait till the summer when I might see her again? Do y'all think I should just wait till she goes to college (she's going to be attending the same college I'm going to be)?

What do you think I should do?

Thank you.

[Ronnock]

As a tid bit more. I feel as if there's no one else in the world better for me. I mean, we have slightly different views when it comes to some controversial things, but we learned to respect and understand each other with the time we spent. On most things we totally agreed and we put up with both of our idiosyncrasies (and I'm a pretty damn eccentric guy).

I've been doing some searching with girls at college (and there's a lot of them, haha), and I feel as if there's no one better for me. But then again, I am young and there's a whole lot of people out there.

I guess I do believe that there's more than "one" person for everyone, but when you meet one of those "one(s)" I believe you should hold onto the first one that comes across you, because you'll never know if you run across another.

[SimonaRich]

Trust your feelings, they are the best guidance you can ever get. Not what your limited beliefs are, not what you ego tells you, just the feelings. What feels right always is right.

I cannot tell you how that girl feels because that would be impossible to tell - I don't know her.

But if you feel that you love her, definitely be with her.

[Parthon]

Ronnock: You broke up for a very valid reason, after much thought and searching, that reason is still applicable too.

You love her, of course, but that's not enough to base a relationship on. You can love and cherish someone and not be romantically involved as well, even though it may rip you up inside at first. I think you are confusing loving someone with having someone, when you love them you want to have them. There's heaps of issues that need to be dealt with, abandonment could be one of them, and until they are dealt with, you'll have the same problems in future relationships.

As for the "putting up with" each other's idiosyncrasies, that's just not good enough. You can fully accept everything about the other person, good and bad, and even come to value and cherish their little flaws. It takes time though. If she was annoying to you in such a way that at times you "put up" with her, then are you really in love, or is it just a strong infatuation? Do you commit to loving her 100% as a duty, or do you just feel it? I don't want answers, just places to look.

In the end, I think one of "the one"s that you speak of you would connect with on an even more deeper level. I think she's around to teach you to let go and stop being so attached. If you could be friends with your ex and not get all headbroken, then you would have some amazing advances in your ability to relate and connect to others.

So, simply, don't get back together with her.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Go with whatever feels natural. To be honest, I think your situation is less difficult than you're perceiving it. It seems to me like whatever you choose you'll still probably come out perfectly OK on the other side.

Maybe you could try dating someone else for a while and see how that feels? If you're going to be meeting her later on (you mentioned you'd be seeing her at college), then there's no rush.

[Xanafax]

Speaking form personal experience Ronnock you just need to bite the bullet and put her out of your mind.

Getting back with an ex has not worked for me. In fact it made me miserable.

[Ralph]

It's not so much about what you SHOULD do, as it is about what you WANT TO do. What do you want? What is the ideal possible outcome? What are you afraid of?

How to get what you want and minimize the chances of getting what you don't want?


Let go of your "what if we fail?" kind of fear. If you find your best option and you'll be too scared to follow through with it, you have failed already. If you don't even attempt to decide what you want and how to get it, you have failed even more utterly.


The best advise you can get here is the simplest one, and yet could be the hardest to implement. GO FOR IT!


Ralph

[Ronnock]

Wow, thank you everyone. I really appreciate the insightful advice and information. I will continue to think things over and what really matters to me. I have yet to really "date" someone because I feel like I can't. Every time I think I want to be with another girl and I try to get together with them and discuss light and deep subjects, I don't feel like I feel the same connection. I don't know if this is because I haven't entirely learned to let go yet, or if because my feelings are telling me to try my hardest to get back together.

If anyone else has anything more to add that might help, I would greatly appreciate it. You can never get enough advice from such a diverse and intelligent group of people =).

Thanks again.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

Trust your feelings, they are the best guidance you can ever get. Not what your limited beliefs are, not what you ego tells you, just the feelings. What feels right always is right.

I cannot tell you how that girl feels because that would be impossible to tell - I don't know her.

But if you feel that you love her, definitely be with her.

Feelings or thoughts could cheat you.
A strong chemistry is likely to override your sense of what is right or wrong.
So if it is not right to be with her, keep your distance at all costs.

[Lauxa]

Are you sure you want to go on this trip? I imagine I would be miserable on a trip with an ex that I broke up with but still had feelings for. Sounds like rubbing salt in an open wound. Can you be cheerful and upbeat and contribute to the positive energy of your group of friends in this situation or do you think you're more likely to be moody and depressed?

If you want to get back together, ask her before the trip.

[dirtyhive]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Are you sure you want to go on this trip? I imagine I would be miserable on a trip with an ex that I broke up with but still had feelings for.

I agree, why the hell do you want to be around someone who causes you so much pain?? Sometimes it's best to just cut your losses and move on.

I should tell you also that I'd be prepared to bet money that she doesn't feel the same, and even if she did, there's absolutely no guarantee that it wouldn't be terrible if you got back together. You are looking to this girl to complete you and make you happy: you are needy, you will put massive pressure on the relationship, and I bet you anything that a few months down the line cracks will show.

I know that all of the above is not what you wanted to hear and I am not trying to be mean. But I think it's important that you WAKE UP and stop pissing away all your potential over this one girl. Trust me when I say it's a lost cause! Maybe you shouldn't have broken up with her, and you're going to feel bad about that, but it's not the end of the world and she's not the only woman in the world. Trust me, soon you'll meet someone who will make you forget all about her.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Ronnock

...is going to be one of my ex-girlfriends...

how many exs are there?

Also...I guess for more info, I can say that while I was at college I thought I wanted to break up with her, and I tried to a couple of times, but I realized each time that I was making a mistake (emotions play an interesting part in guiding our decisions). Then (convinced by partly my other self, and my friends) I decided to officially break up with her. When I got home after a couple of days from college, I met up with her again at this meeting for the trip we're going on. When I saw her again, I realized how much of a mistake I had made and tried to reconcile to no avail.

you only think it's a mistake when you aren't with her. then when you are, you eventually think you need to break up, again.

I guess my main question is: Do any of you believe that if she still feels the same way again that we should give it another go? Do you think I should just resist the urge and wait till the summer when I might see her again? Do y'all think I should just wait till she goes to college (she's going to be attending the same college I'm going to be)?

Did you break her heart? or Did she want to break up too?

I don't think you have a choice because she must feel really jerked around by you and probably doesn't want to deal with your yes/no way of treating relationships. Even if she did take you back she'd probably be wondering when you are going to axe her again.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Ronnock

Wow, thank you everyone. I really appreciate the insightful advice and information. I will continue to think things over and what really matters to me. I have yet to really "date" someone because I feel like I can't. Every time I think I want to be with another girl and I try to get together with them and discuss light and deep subjects, I don't feel like I feel the same connection. I don't know if this is because I haven't entirely learned to let go yet, or if because my feelings are telling me to try my hardest to get back together.

If anyone else has anything more to add that might help, I would greatly appreciate it. You can never get enough advice from such a diverse and intelligent group of people =).

Thanks again.

sometimes it's just not a level playing field to compare someone you've been with to someone you don't really know yet. it may be this way until you spend enough time with someone new.

[magi13]

This is my advice, based on my own experience.

I don't return to ex, but I am civil with them, aka friends/flings what not. But I don't return to them = lovers or partners.

But if you feel you should return to your love ones by all means do so.

The main thing that you should consider is that you should have no regrets with respect to the things you wish to do.

It's all about you and your happiness.

[SimonaRich]

Originally Posted by ar81

Feelings or thoughts could cheat you.
A strong chemistry is likely to override your sense of what is right or wrong.
So if it is not right to be with her, keep your distance at all costs.

Feelings never cheat you, but thoughts can because they are the result of your beliefs.

[cheropride]

You are the 1st post I replied to on this site (except for introduction), why, bcz I so remember the feelings that you are feeling now. It goes back many many years ago, and like you I thought that I had lost that "one". Funny how you don't realize it till after the fact. Two years after we broke up, we did try it one more time, and it honestly just showed me why we broke up in the first place. It did bring me peace though, bcz I at the least knew that he was not the "one".

Till this day I still love him, but in a way whereas I only pray that he has the best in life. I hope that he too has found the one he was meant to be with, and they have their happiness.....

The point is this. I remember that feeling, I know what you are feeling, but I know where my life is now. I have been w/the same man for 20 years, and I know he is the "one". The one that I thought that I had lost, just lead me the one I was truly meant to be with.

If this woman is the one, then she will be the one! If she is not, then the "one" is still out there. I can't explain how it feels to be w/someone for 20 years, and still can't wait till they get home, still can't wait to hear his voice. I am not saying that everyday is easy, but there is that ever knowing, that ever love.

Sure if she has feelings for you, then sure give it a try. Will it work, well I don't know. When I tried again with the one that I thought I was to be with, it did not work. But today I thank God for unanswered prayers, bcz in reality He answered my prayers.....

Keep your heart open, and eyes open. Believe me when I say, when I have been down that road, you will come down the right road that will lead you to where are suppose to be.... ("cause God bless the broken road, that lead me straight to you" - lyrics to a song) you will be saying those words to someone, and you will so know it's true..... Hang in there....

[ShiningLight]

Just basing off the "vague" information you provided, I say your best bet would be to resist the urge to get back together with this girl - at least for now. Who knows how it would turn out later? But for now, enjoy other girls.