I HATE being shy...it is ruining my life and I am NOT happy because of it

[CJAnyasor]

lightthecandle I have an article from my blog I'd like to share. It's kind of college-centerd, but still helpful:

How to Overcome Shyness
How to Overcome Shyness | HiLife2B

And here's a similarly titled PicktheBrain article:

Overcoming Shyness
Overcoming Shyness | PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement

I used to be shy myself. Now that I'm in college with friends that bring out the best in me, I feel as if I've regained the confidence I lost in high school. You can do it too. Don't let one petty emotion ruin your entire life.

[Maxwell Jennings]

Learn to stretch beyond your comfort zones. You know what you are used to and comfortable with doing, so now go beyond your comfort zone and then take in that experience and review it all. If you keep stepping out of your comfort zone and practice, soon the new territories will be familiar, and then stretch again.

Practice by going to the mall or into a busy store and try to make eye contact with people. After that feels familiar then try saying hello. Keep pushing yourself beyond your comfort zones and assimilate the new experiences. Anyone that starts a new job remembers how strange everything felt and the stress of learning new things, but you know, after a week or two, things became familiar, and after a month or so it was much easier.

[Coffeesmurf]

I'm shy as well and I'm working with a cognitive therapy psychologist to get to the roots of my shyness as well as working on my low self-esteem, since they are connected for me. My shyness is mainly based on a fear of rejection. This leads me to worry excessively about not doing something that's not "correct" in a given situation or saying something "wrong".

A very good book on the subject with a specific program for handling shyness is Overcoming Social Anxiety And Shyness, which is based on cognitive behavioral techniques.

My own way of dealing with it at the moment is getting out of my comfort zone, like Maxwell suggests. Things like going to a singles party where I don't know anybody, joining a group of mountainbikers for a ride, going to the movies with a girl I've only known for a short time (not a date), signing up for kayaking lessons, doing spin classes with an instructor I know and talking to her after the class, etc, etc.

It's not easy to start with, but it gets better - and the boost you get from eg. going to a party where you don't know a soul and having a nice conversation with a lot of people just for fun is priceless and the confidence carries over to other situations as well.

A great tip for conversations is focusing on the other person, so you don't get too self-focused. It removes some of the anxiety about what the other person is thinking about you. Also, if you're genuinely interested in the other person and what they are saying, the conversation will flow much more easily. The best way of being interesting is by being interested.

[KtotheB]

At one point in time I was painfully shy. The root cause of shyness for me was low self esteem.

I overcame shyness by facing my fear of people and learning to love myself.

blessings, kb xo

[babuji]

Shyness is very much our own mindset. Make a shift in your mindset and you'll get amazing results..

FOR EXAMPLE:
What if everytime you were in the midst of people you know or complete strangers you took the mindset that "Everyone is living their life as if they're in a coma... I'm going to go talk to them and take them out of their comatosed misery..."

OR

What if you knew that 99% of the people on this planet are so insecure about their own looks that they're not even paying attention to how you look or whatever deficiencies that you perceive in your own appearance... thinking "They're more insecure than I am.. I can go talk to them.."

FINALLY..
Everytime you meet or talk with someone, develop genuine eye-contact... and I guarantee that they'll forget about any physical blemish and come away with an intense appreciation for your presence in the conversation...

Try this immediately with the next 5 people you meet... and let me know how it goes..!
:-)

[saintssupporter]

Originally Posted by babuji

Everytime you meet or talk with someone, develop genuine eye-contact... and I guarantee that they'll forget about any physical blemish and come away with an intense appreciation for your presence in the conversation...


:-)

I cant fault that advice babuji works for me everytime and dont know if it would work for all but a wink and a nice smile shows up friendliness every time! Accompanied by a hello and a discussion about the weather I find it works 9 times out of ten!

[EastcoastMan]

Being shy is natural for allot of people and there is really nothing wrong with being a shy or quite person. It is just your personality to be a little more laid back and blend into a crowd instead of being the center of one.

I think that most of us always see other people as being more or having more to share in social settings than ourselves but if you really come to understand people we are all pretty much the same. Our level of shyness changes with different people that we associate with depending on the level of intimidation you feel when dealing with certain people.

If you really want to get over your shyness you will have to better understand what makes people tic and how you can better interact with others and build some confidence in yourself. You have to understand that people are just people so I'm going to recommend some good books that will help you better understand people and interact better in social settings.

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Personality Plus by Florence Littauer
Positive Personality Profiles by Robert A Rohm

They are all great reads and will help you understand others and also yourself.

[Grindin]

Can the people who experience shyness explain it to me? What are you feeling and what goes through your mind? Just general overview here.

Thanks

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Grindin

Can the people who experience shyness explain it to me? What are you feeling and what goes through your mind? Just general overview here.

Thanks

intense feeling that you are being evaluated... don't know what to say..

[ShIxtan]

Yeah, a fear of being judged or attacked for doing or saying something wrong. And at the same time attacking and criticizing myself for being too shy, not having social skills, or something.

It's kind of like "see I'm even doing it myself. Obviously everyone else will too."

So in my case, shyness seems to be a combination of self attack and projection.

[Vlad Moskovski]

There is nothing wrong with being shy, nor should you let people push you around say things like "grow up". But, if you feel that being shy is a problem and it is something you truly want to overcome, if it is important to you then there are many ways to get this result.

1. Find something you love, something you are passionate about and get involved with a group of people that share your interest. Like a meetup.com group. There you will have the safety of talking with like-minded people and that is a good place to start.

2. As someone else pointed out, learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. So what if they are judging you, let them. Ask them if they really are. I bet you will find that more often than not, you are mind reading them and unless you are confident of your telepathic powers- what you think they are doing is probably wrong or blow out of proportion.

3. Take a communication class such as NLP, toastmasters, or anything else that you can find in your local area. There you will find a supporting environment where you can have people help you get over your shyness.

4. Give it time, it takes a lot of time to learn new behavior and if shyness is part of your core personality it may take years to become more confident.

And finally, try not to be so serious about it, it only makes it harder to learn. Be playful and curious, explore where you boundary is and push past it. Whats the worst that could happen?

I have many articles about meditation and yoga and some of these may help also. You are welcome to check out my website: Meditation Secrets Revealed

Playfully yours,
Vlad

[AliB1959]

This is such a wonderful thread, glad I saw it. I'll just say that being shy is natural in todays society - we're brought up to be humble and self-effacing.

Just stop. And be who you are. Don't sugar-coat it, don't play it down - you just are who you are. You deserve to be recognized for your excellence and if you messed up along the way, just say "yeah, I messed up and I learned" and go on. And if people give you crap or try to embarrass you just know that your friends will not make an issue if you acknowledge your mistakes. They will allow you to move on.

Being shy is a waste of time and enormous energy. You need to adopt an attitude where noone can hurt you and you do nothing that deserves condemnation by others. If they try to condemn your actions, you can explain them honestly.

Of course, this is My Opinion and it works for me. I'm a big believer in Karma and just try to do my best and be honest. I still mess up, but I'm not shy anymore. I used to be painfully shy up til a few years ago. Seems like maybe it stemmed from a difficult family upbringing in my case.

[Maxwell Jennings]

Originally Posted by Maxwell Jennings

Learn to stretch beyond your comfort zones. You know what you are used to and comfortable with doing, so now go beyond your comfort zone and then take in that experience and review it all. If you keep stepping out of your comfort zone and practice, soon the new territories will be familiar, and then stretch again.

Practice by going to the mall or into a busy store and try to make eye contact with people. After that feels familiar then try saying hello. Keep pushing yourself beyond your comfort zones and assimilate the new experiences. Anyone that starts a new job remembers how strange everything felt and the stress of learning new things, but you know, after a week or two, things became familiar, and after a month or so it was much easier.

Not long after posting this reply here, I was inspired to write an article about overcoming shyness:

Overcoming Shyness | Power Essence Self Improvement