confidence- how to have it?

[dalante]

A lot of people think I am a confident guy... I think I am very good at faking confidence. Why? Because doubt is a constant part of my daily life; every decision I make is questioned by doubt. Because the latter is powerful, I have developed a mechanism to stay deaf to it, so that I can get going in my life and accomplish things. As a result some people perceive me as a very confident guy, and some others as arrogant. I don't mean to be arrogant. I think it's the way I fight doubt.

If I set a goal, I start to doubt. If I say something, I doubt that it was the right thing to say. Right now, I am doubting whether I should post this thread or not.

I am seriously skeptical that self-confidence exist. I experience it sometimes, but by little spurs. I have come to think that people who are self confident are only claiming they are...

I wish I wouldn't doubt so much because I want to make the important choices of my life and live by them. If someone has enlightening thoughts on confidence and doubt, I'd love to read them.

[RT Wolf]

If people are truly self-confident, why would they try to debate you on whether self-confidence exists or not?

It depends on how you define self-confidence. I like to think I've become a lot more confident recently. I have shed and/or quieted that nagging doubt voice quite a bit. I've gotten pretty quick at catching myself if I start thinking negatively. I walk taller, am not afraid to say what's on my mind and am generally not afraid of "what other people will think". I'm also confident that I have the ability to achieve my goals, even the ones which I can't quite see the path to, or the ones that seem outta this world and impossible.

How I gained self-confidence, I talk about in anoither thread about htis topic.

[skydust]

in order to stop doubting yourself, you must first realize that you are the only one judging yourself.

the reason why we are afraid to do what we want is not because of what others will think of us, but because of what we will think of ourselves if we do it! we project these beliefs onto others and believe that they will think we are stupid, or inconfident, etc, when really who is the one creating these thoughts in the first place? thats right, we are. so by realising that no one judges us, but ourselves, we can consciously choose not to judge ourselves, and thereby feel free to be do and have anything we want.

[Jill]

What types of decisions specifically are you not confident about?

I find that knowledge is the best thing to provide me with confidence. If you have a decision to make, then do your research and gain as much knowledge on your options as possible. Then you will be able to make an educated decision and have confidence that it's correct, because you'll have the facts to back it up.

I would also suggest trying to become an expert in something that you are naturally good at and are passionate about. It's a lot easier to learn one thing really well, then a ton of things. And once you do, you will have lots of confidence in that one thing that you are an expert on, which can carry over to other parts of your life.

[Colm OReilly]

Hey Presto!

Dramatic entrance aside I'd love to help you with any specific questions you have concerning true inner confidence and confidence from the inside out, not fleeting conditional confidence.

You say:

think I am very good at faking confidence

and then

I don't mean to be arrogant

Arrogance is putting up a confident front, and it's a manifestation of low confidence issues.

Honestly it seems like you believe that you should act confident because other people have set the expectation/intention for you to be confident.

You asked how to be confident. Don't worry about the how for the time being, get clear on the what. What exactly is confidence to you? The clearer you get on that the easier it is to see what areas of confidence you'd like to develop.

If you've any other questions, please ask me. If you've a private question, you can email me. But read my blog!

Lots of love,
Colm

[mattsonn]

Originally Posted by dalante

If I set a goal, I start to doubt. If I say something, I doubt that it was the right thing to say. Right now, I am doubting whether I should post this thread or not.

I have that too. My brain will review everything over a dozen times like it's on crack. Completely automatic. But, you know, sometimes doubt is a sign that part of you is aware that you've made a mistake. If you just let the "reviewing" process play itself out, there's a good chance that you will figure out what went wrong. And that is a great thing.

And since you asked about confidence, I think that when you've spent years getting experience in something, gotten results, encountered problems, obsessed over those problems with passion, and finally fixed them....that's when you get unshakable confidence.

[dalante]

Originally Posted by skydust

in order to stop doubting yourself, you must first realize that you are the only one judging yourself.

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Arrogance is putting up a confident front, and it's a manifestation of low confidence issues.

Honestly it seems like you believe that you should act confident because other people have set the expectation/intention for you to be confident.

You asked how to be confident. Don't worry about the how for the time being, get clear on the what. What exactly is confidence to you? The clearer you get on that the easier it is to see what areas of confidence you'd like to develop.

Thanks for all your comments, which I find very thought provoking. It is true that I am judging myself and I always get the feeling that this judgment is coming from other people.

It made me realize that I actually never thought about what confidence was, and what it means to me. I have experienced it on occasion, and it was such a bliss that I only remembered it as a happy moment, but never really thought about what was going on in moments of confidence.

Originally Posted by mattsonn

And since you asked about confidence, I think that when you've spent years getting experience in something, gotten results, encountered problems, obsessed over those problems with passion, and finally fixed them....that's when you get unshakable confidence.

Yes! Sometimes I beat myself up because I didn't achieve complete mastery of a very competitive and precise art, and I forgot it takes a lot of time and practice to achieve what I want to reach!

[rush23]

I believe the lack of confidence come from wanting to measure up to societal perceptions whereas confidence comes from giving a big up yours to the world and being who you are regardless of anything else.

In most cases, the only one or rather the one who judges us most is the person in the mirror when that person should be our greatest ally. I know from experience - I always used to analyse everything I did or said in the presence of others and then later berate myself in private.

It is only recently that I've come to realize that I am something of worth and that I have a purpose in life - whatever that may be - and that I'm going to make the most of my human experience and most importantly, I'm going to have fun. That's not to say, I'm totally enlightened. I have my down days, but I refuse to succumb to that sinister force that has been the downfall of many people - self-doubt.

My advice is: Be your own best friend not your worst enemy.

I know it sounds cheesy, but it works. I mean, just think how you would treat your best friend or anyone else - even a stranger - if they did something well or if they stuffed up badly. If they did something well, you'd praise them. If they stuffed up, you'd tell them not to worry and shrug it off as a mistake. So why not treat yourself the same?

[dalante]

Originally Posted by rush23

I mean, just think how you would treat your best friend or anyone else - even a stranger - if they did something well or if they stuffed up badly. If they did something well, you'd praise them. If they stuffed up, you'd tell them not to worry and shrug it off as a mistake. So why not treat yourself the same?

It gets me a bit emotional to read this. Thanks for the analogy.

As far as liberating myself from my own judgment is concerned, I have just noticed (through this thread) that I stop judging myself when a certain degree of success is achieved-

Then I want to destroy that social conditioning, because I want to be able to feel truly confident even when social success is not achieved. But it's scary because I feel nothing will be left, I feel i will have to start building something completely new... and to be honest, i don't know where to start.

(in Steve's view of different stages of consciousness, am I actually on the verge of leaving pride? )

[Eli]

Dalante
It sounds to as though you are winning out over that nagging doubt, so keep doing what you are doing and telling yourself that you are confident and it will begin to fit as a glove. Peace.......Eli

[rush23]

Dalante, thanks for appreciating my analogy!

Just remember nody expects you to go from zero confidence to super confidence overnight, so why do you? Take it slowly in baby steps and you'll find your confidence increasing daily even if it is just a little bit. Trust me, thst makes all the difference.

Good luck!

[Paul C]

Dalante isn't the only one to benefit from your words.

It also reminded me not to treat myself so harshly, even though I would never do so to a stranger or loved one. Pride can be very harmful to ones health.

Thank you for that.

[Smiley]

I have two distinct thoughts to offer on the subject of confidence.

The first is an explanation of my own experience. I have always described myself (to myself) as lacking self-confidence. And, I always figured that I'd develop confidence once I dealt with those challenges and character weaknesses that most frequently brought up the experience of being something other than confident.

Over the past year, I have begun developing the experience of feeling confident. At first, I attributed this to addressing and transcending--to varying degrees--with some of those challenges. What I have since realized is that my experience of confidence is not coming from overcoming those challenges, but talking about them.

As a personal coach, I must be clear about what my own challenges are, and often draw upon experiences both being challenged and overcoming challenge in order to relate to my clients. The more I have been able to do so, the more I have described myself as confident.

I now no longer believe that confidence comes from a lack of self-doubt, but simply acceptance of what those doubts are, and freely sharing them. I'm not in a position that I'll share what my challenges are (in appropriate situations) with pretty much anyone. I am able to do that because I am over the fear of their judgment of me for having those challenges. I'll tell you what's up for me, and where my own self-doubt and judgments lie, and you can judge me as you wish. Or not. It has become largely irrelevant to me how others see me because of those weaknesses.

Essentially, I have found my confidence by being invulnerable in my vulnerability.

Next, a question for you, dalante. How are you with keeping agreements? By this, I mean, how frequently do you not follow through on the things that you say you are going to do? And, this applies not only to how you keep agreements with others, but more particularly, how do you keep agreements with yourself?

I believe that confidence is firmly grounded in the concept of keeping agreements. When you say, "If I set a goal, I start to doubt" my first thought is that it may be because you don't trust yourself to follow through on the goal. It is less about the goal itself, and perhaps more about your tendency to deliver on what you have promised yourself.

I can't say that keeping agreements is the foundation to confidence for everyone, but it certainly has been a significant understanding and experience for me and my clients.

[Erock]

"Self-Confidence" is exactly what you have. You are what Americans think of, when they think of a self-confident person. A fake, cocky exterior is "self-confidence." But really, everyone who has an extremely cocky exterior is timid and scared on the inside.

Why is this? Because people who are like this are severely attached to their ego. The ego creates fear and doubt, because it is scared of death and needs to strengthen itself. This is what Eckhart Tolle talks about.

Real confidence-not the trademark American definition-is when you are less attached to your ego. The more unattached you are, the less you fear death, the less you doubt. The less you need to ask questions like "why am I not self-confident?"

People probably look at you and think, how can I be more confident like him, he must have it worked out internally, but really it is one big delusion.

[Gary]

What makes this honest self reflection, without falling into doubt and self-judgment, such a tricky process to master is that we adopt different points of view. We have many sides to our personality and they take on different emotional states.

The thought, “I shouldn’t have said that”, can be made as an honest assessment when we are feeling confident. It is a simple observation that our actions didn’t get us the results we wanted.

But the same thought from a judgmental part of our personality comes with a feeling of being right. This side of our personality is making the self judgment.

We can also have the same comment from a side of our personality that feels it as a great failure. This is the side of our personality that is accepting the judgment.

In this scenario of self assessment turning into self judgment resulting in a lack of confidence speaks to a fear at the core of it. Likely it is a fear of what others will think of us. Below that is a core belief of what we think about our self.

The technique I teach my clients is to take an inventory of all these (fears, false core beliefs, and sides of our personality) so that we can detach from all of them. It is self deceiving to think that there is only one thing to do because we are actually dealing with a matrix of aspects in our mind that act like fly paper. To get free of it means getting free of all of it.

When you dissolve the false beliefs and fears you don’t have to project an image of arrogance to compensate. You take on a quiet humble confidence that is unshaken by events or what other people think or say.

It can be done, but in my experience is a multi step process.

Gary

[Trina]

For me, self confidence came when I took the time to get to know myself and figure out what I wanted out of life. Then the fact that I am not perfect took a back seat to the fact that I know what my strengths are and how to use them to get what i want.

[Hsiang-Lin]

My approach is what Smiley said: take invulnerability in vulnerability (self-control) and vice versa (humility).

Self-control + humility = confidence

That is how it works for me and I realize everyone is different and has their own ways to cope with fear and insecurity.

I notice when I'm in a negative state, I draw positive energy from that negative state: I tell myself, "C'mon, life, is this all you got? It's nothin'! Bring it on! More! More! Hahahaha can't stop me!"

This really motivates me and calms me down. It makes me incredibly happy when I shouldn't. If I'm in a social setting and things don't go my way, I switch on this trigger and BAM I'm instantly back into a state of confidence and peace.

[Colm OReilly]

Rush, Smiley,

Nice posts!

Lots of love,
Colm

[dalante]

Originally Posted by Smiley

Next, a question for you, dalante. How are you with keeping agreements? By this, I mean, how frequently do you not follow through on the things that you say you are going to do? And, this applies not only to how you keep agreements with others, but more particularly, how do you keep agreements with yourself?

I would say I actually do 60-70% of what I announce (to others or myself) I will do. Maybe it is a childish trait of mine, but I want to do a lot of thing. Later, I realize that some of these things are conflicting with each other, so I end up giving up a lot of them.

Originally Posted by Smiley

I believe that confidence is firmly grounded in the concept of keeping agreements. When you say, "If I set a goal, I start to doubt" my first thought is that it may be because you don't trust yourself to follow through on the goal. It is less about the goal itself, and perhaps more about your tendency to deliver on what you have promised yourself.

I can't say that keeping agreements is the foundation to confidence for everyone, but it certainly has been a significant understanding and experience for me and my clients.

There is truth in what you say; I need to have some thinking about it before I can post my reply, because it is quite new ideas to me.

[dalante]

Originally Posted by Gary

When you dissolve the false beliefs and fears you don’t have to project an image of arrogance to compensate. You take on a quiet humble confidence that is unshaken by events or what other people think or say.
It can be done, but in my experience is a multi step process.

Would you like to share step 1?

[alexander.kharlamov]

Here's a pretty good post with practical tips about confidence: http://caseycombden.com/blog/?p=14

[Gary]

On my website I've got the first few steps available for free in mp3 audio you can download. They are simple starters that will help you to be more aware of your thoughts, beleifs, and emotions from a observer point of view. The first exercise starts to put yourself in the driver seat of your emotions. The action starts to speed up in session 5 with a focused writing exercise.

The site is PathwayToHappiness.com
To access the sessions you will need to sign in (only requires your email address).

Gary

[Alvin]

Well, you know what they say; courage is not the absence of fear, but the acting of inspite of it.

Hey, sounds familiar, I wonder if it can be applied to confidence too...I think it can!

Dalante, it sounds like you're pretty confident in being confident even though you have doubts...wonder how'd you do if you didn't have those doubts eh? Probably be dead. Same as having no fear I guess. Ah well, imperfect beings that we are...

Sounds like you're getting results too. So why not continue doing what you're doing - because you're getting better and better results out of life? Gosh, what a reason to stop.

You know, I started coaching without a clue, with doubts aplenty - but I got results and people thought I knew what I was doing. If only they knew how many times I had no idea! But looking back now, I'd slap myself silly for doing the things I did - but o