Conversion Disorder

[LearningToDanceAgain]

I'm not too sure how to say what I'd like to say. I'll do my best...

My childhood was interesting. I was sexually abused by one of my biological mother's boyfriends. My biological mother (Who I lived with and was raised by) was quite cruel to me in many ways. I was very fortunate to have a loving Grandpa and Dad. (I would see Dad whenever my biological mother would let me.)

I left home / got kicked out when I was 17, lived in my car for a while, then moved all over BC trying to escape myself. I have been in intense councilling for years, trying to get over everything.

About three years ago, on Christmas day, she disowned me. Long story why. She is mentally ill... I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is now in pretty deep psychosis, and everyone can see that she's crazy. When I was young she hid it from everyone but those closest to her.

Anyway, on the Easter weekend after that Christmas, I came down with a really bad flu. Within a week, my lower half from about an inch above my navel shut down. Nothing worked. I am diagnosed with Conversion Disorder. (When emotional distress manifests itself in physical symptoms, like a stress headache.)

Ever since, I have been working to get through it, and have made some good progress. I have gotten almost everything back, still missing some movement and strength from my left leg though.

I want to get better and be whole. I want to walk and run. I feel like I just can't let go of the anger towards my biological mother. Things are always coming up... triggers. (Anyone who knows what a trigger is will understand what I'm talking about.) New ones are coming up all the time, and I'm discovering lots of things I have done my whole life because of what she taught me, not what I believe to be true. It's almost constant... there is always something reminding me of her and the negative aspects of my childhood.

I don't think I have a specific question... just any advice would be appreciated. I've tried meditation and letting go rituals, they worked a bit, but for the amount of feeling and memories I have I need a LOT more.

Thanks everyone!

[Blueskied]

Interesting story. Never heard of this disorder before. It's crazy what emotions can do - paralyze a part of the body.

[Tasek]

Can't give you any specific advice, but just keep going;
even though there a lot of things, keep working through them, one at a time, and remember to look back every now and then, to see what you have accomplished.
The road may be long, but just keep on going, you can't go back, and no sense in standing still, so just keep taking those steps forward.

[AlexL]

LearningToDanceAgain,
(Love that name, by the way!). Conversion disorder is a very real phenomenon in which emotions that are too awful to be experienced seem to be shunted into physical symptoms. It is NOT under your conscious control, but likely a mechanism in the brain that re-expresses emotions in a physical way for reasons no one understands. I am a physician and have seen it several times. I am presuming a qualified neurologist has examined you and made sure nothing physical is causing your symptoms (the only thing I can think of off the cuff that could be medically wrong given the brief history you presented in your post might be Guillian-Barre syndrome following a virus--you might want that possibility checked out by a neurologist). Having said that, some important things to remember:
1) it isn't permanent
2) it is difficult to fully free yourself from the physical symptoms unless you fully confront the painful emotions that underlie it

Therapy is best for #2. If anger at your mother is the big issue (and of course there may be others) you might begin by examining why your mother's behavior has frustrated you so much (all anger arises from frustration, ultimately). It may be because her behavior has sent a signal to you that you are worthless and that your belief that you are worthless is the core problem. It may be because you're unable to control her behavior and its affects on you. If your mother truly is mentall ill, her behavior towards you has likely never been specifically malicious but rather an extension of her disease. Underneath that disease she likely loves you or wants very much to love you. If you can fully and deeply realize she is a human being with her own problems and not just your mother, you may be able to stop blaming her for her behavior and forgive her for being what we all are: flawed human beings. I wonder if you are able to fully forgive her and release your anger if your conversion disorder might resolve. I don't mean to make this seem easy or straightforward. If you're not in therapy, I'd strongly suggest it. And no matter what you may think, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! The very best of luck to you!

Alex

Happiness in this World

[JSB]

Consider adding energy work to your treatments -- clearing energy blocks can help to heal emotional pain as well as physical symptoms. Look into EFT, qigong, quantum touch, reiki, "reconnection" healing --- basically anything that can help dissolve blockages in your chi. It can be very helpful.

These treatments often sound weird and spooky, but when you experience energy work, it feels very natural. Like anything else, you need to stick with the practice for awhile to get the best results.

[SimonaRich]

You can only have great health if you do not hold any negative feelings against others.

If you still get negative after some trigger, you should identify the triggers and deactivate them.

You can do that by understanding why certain things trigger some negative emotion in you. When you are aware of the trigger and you notice it in some situation, you will be aware of the negative emotion that overtakes you.

This is the first step to deactivating the trigger - recognising negative emotion after it as soon as you feel it. When you are aware that you are having some negative emotion, it cannot affect you that much anymore. So your health starts improving.

You should understand that your mother did the best she could do to raise you. Everyone does their best, just ways differ. Some people steal to feed their family, and although a good intention was hiding behind their action (feeding family), some people would find such person wrong.

You are responsible for yourself and you should never blame your mother for what she has done to you. Why to always look at the past and worry about it? You cannot change it, and the more you worry about it, the more health problems will manifest.

Be a little bit selfish and think only what is best for you. Never willingly decide to dwell on something negative that happened in your life, choose only to focus on good things. This way your health will improve significantly.

[LearningToDanceAgain]

Originally Posted by AlexL

LearningToDanceAgain,
(Love that name, by the way!). Conversion disorder is a very real phenomenon in which emotions that are too awful to be experienced seem to be shunted into physical symptoms. It is NOT under your conscious control, but likely a mechanism in the brain that re-expresses emotions in a physical way for reasons no one understands. I am a physician and have seen it several times. I am presuming a qualified neurologist has examined you and made sure nothing physical is causing your symptoms (the only thing I can think of off the cuff that could be medically wrong given the brief history you presented in your post might be Guillian-Barre syndrome following a virus--you might want that possibility checked out by a neurologist). Having said that, some important things to remember:
1) it isn't permanent
2) it is difficult to fully free yourself from the physical symptoms unless you fully confront the painful emotions that underlie it

Therapy is best for #2. If anger at your mother is the big issue (and of course there may be others) you might begin by examining why your mother's behavior has frustrated you so much (all anger arises from frustration, ultimately). It may be because her behavior has sent a signal to you that you are worthless and that your belief that you are worthless is the core problem. It may be because you're unable to control her behavior and its affects on you. If your mother truly is mentall ill, her behavior towards you has likely never been specifically malicious but rather an extension of her disease. Underneath that disease she likely loves you or wants very much to love you. If you can fully and deeply realize she is a human being with her own problems and not just your mother, you may be able to stop blaming her for her behavior and forgive her for being what we all are: flawed human beings. I wonder if you are able to fully forgive her and release your anger if your conversion disorder might resolve. I don't mean to make this seem easy or straightforward. If you're not in therapy, I'd strongly suggest it. And no matter what you may think, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! The very best of luck to you!

Alex

Happiness in this World

Thank you everyone so much for your input!! Specific replies to Alex;
I do have a Neropsych. who has diagnosed me, and have worked with some of the best in Canada. (I love our health care system!!) They were looking at Transverse Myelitis and GB as you said, and ruled them out. It mimic'd TM though, even though I've never heard of it before this. I do have a great councillour too, I'm very fortunate to have her!! Anyway...

I think the anger is because some of the stuff she did WAS malicious. One example that still tears me up to this day... I am a huge animal lover. Always have been. They mean more to me than most humans. She would give me an animal, (dogs, lots and lots of cats, guinea pigs, etc) or I would rescue one that needed help. (Opossums, rabbit, more cats, snakes etc) and she would say "You love that animal too much. It is the only thing that makes you smile." (I was severely depressed as a kid/teen, and animals would make me smile.) Then three days later, she would kill it. No health reason, no financial reason. She has always denied this of course, but I have three people who witnessed some incidences. Other people who have seen who she really was say she was vicious as well.

There is a lot of evidence that points that she never wanted me, she used me to get a place to live, money, support, etc.

I just wonder... why did she keep me? My Dad would have LOVED to have me. She always talked about what a burden I was and how much she sacrificed and how I was a horrible person etc., so why keep me? I know she has to have huge baggage and issues that she hasn't dealt with. Mothers are supposed to love their children, feed them, clothe them. Dad begged her to let him have me. Her sister said to her that it would be best for me to live with him. She still kept me. I look at kids and animals, and I just want to cry... How could anyone be as cruel as she was? NO living creature deserves that.

I try to see the good in things, live in the moment, be whole and open, and everything I do I still run in to triggers. I'm aware of most of them, but they still have so much power. (I have massive RAGE when I see or hear of child or animal abuse... I know in my head that it happens, it's OK to be mad, but I can not describe the rage that overtakes me, wanting to rescue the abused and mutilate the abuser. That kind of thing.)

I don't know... just rambling I think...

[ar81]

Originally Posted by LearningToDanceAgain

I'm not too sure how to say what I'd like to say. I'll do my best...

I don't think I have a specific question... just any advice would be appreciated. I've tried meditation and letting go rituals, they worked a bit, but for the amount of feeling and memories I have I need a LOT more.

Thanks everyone!

Whenever you feel sad and depressed, you may think that a stranger, somewhere else on the planet, wants you to be happy. It is us. You do not know who we are and we do not know who you are. And that adds purity to the situation.

So in your darkest times, think that someone wants you to be really happy. Someone wants you to have the strength to survive and overcome the intense emotions you may feel.

People who are abused use to suffer post traumatic stress. It seems that some biochemical processes in the brain are altered by such an experience, like low tolerance to stress.

Your episodes of anger suggests you still have it. You also may have problems to sleep, sudden panic attacks...

Post traumatic stress is overcome slowly, as you learn that the situation that triggered the problem was an isolated event, and the rest of the world is not like that. So you slowly start exposing yourself to the world and confront it, and feel you gradually gain control over your life.

That process is not easy. But I am sure you can do it. During that time, you will know that some people, us, cheer you up.

On a side note. As you grew up in a disfunctional environment, you might be likely to engage in a drama triangle, which is a game that makes everyopne unhappy.

The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer

If you learn not to play that psychological game with others in your life, you are likely to enjoy your life a bit more and not to complicate it without need.

[cacheborn]

Hey LearningToDanceAgain,
I was moved by your story. Since you are already in therapy and you realize the issues that are troubling you, I do not have a specific suggestion in that context. You are on the right path. Try to motivate yourself in every way you can. Get in touch with your passions. What are the things which you enjoy doing? You could also try out different relaxation techniques, perhaps meditation? remember, Hope is good thing, maybe the best of things. and no good thing ever dies.
I wish you the best.

[AlexL]

LearningToDanceAgain,

Wow. What you describe is absolutely horrible. It sounds like your mom really was vicious. She must have been, and I presume still, is an incredibly unhappy person.

Because it sounds like you are getting all the right help, I'd like to address your situation from a Buddhist perspective in the hopes it may provide you ideas you haven't thought about that you find useful.

Buddhism argues that all the things that happen to us, good and bad, are effects from causes we ourselves have made in the past (even past lives, if you believe in that). Which means though you may not have intended to have an abusive mother, you are ultimately responsible for it (in the same way if you get on a train you think is bound for New York but is actually bound for Los Angeles, though you may not have intended to go to Los Angeles, you did make the choice to board the train bound in that direction). This doesn't mean it's your fault, by any means. It just means you made causes to end up in the situation you're in, undoubtedly not knowing this is where it would lead you. This is what Buddhism calls your karma, meaning what you are destined to experience based on your past actions.

However, the form of Buddhism I practice doesn't view your karma as fixed. You can definitely change your tendency to suffer anger and the conversion disorder which came about as a result of the mistreatment you suffered at the hands of your mother (which came about from some cause you yourself made in the past). This is done by the practice of Buddhism which transforms the "poison" of your current situation into "medicine"--in other words, the very situation that's making you suffer now becomes the catalyst for your breaking through the root cause of your suffering. Buddhism argues in fact these painful situations aren't just something to "get through" but are in fact the very thing you need to become happy (I have a post called "Changing Poison Into Medicine" on my own blog you might want to read). All suffering can absolutely be transformed into joy, no matter how awful or how difficult.

If you find yourself interested in learning more about the kind of Buddhism I practice, go to my "About" page on my blog and click on the "SGI" link. If you have any questions about it, I'd be happy to answer them as best I can. If this doesn't seem helpful or intriguing, that's totally okay, too. I will say that 20 years of practicing this Buddhism has enabled me to overcome the same level of suffering (in different arenas) that you describe in your post.

Best of luck and never give up!

Alex

Happiness in this World

[rawxstasy]

I have massive RAGE when I see or hear of child or animal abuse I do to.

Your story was very moving. I have been sexually abused, by eight different people and grew up in an emotionally abusive household. (Nothing near what you experienced though)

You are asking "why did she keep you?" I think that is part of her borderline personality. She may have had narcissictic tendencies to and she felt that you were an "object" that belonged to her. It might be difficult at this point, but I think the best thing you can do is to forgive her. I am having nursing clinicals right now with bordernlines and other mental illnesses and I can tell you honestly that she is suffering tremendously.

Another thing that helped me overcome my past, ( I had PTSD, Disassociation and depersonalization disorders) I came to believe that my soul wanted this experience for my own growth. That is what I tell myself when I am going through some deep pain and it's helped. And now I realize it is part of what's made me who I am today.

You should also be in therapy, cognitive behavioral and/or DBT. Craniosacral therapy, Reiki and EFT has helped me tremendously. Don't ignore the past, or your feelings. Acknowledge them, if you can be present with your feelings and aware of your thoughts, you will heal more quickly. I'm not saying though that there are any quick fixes. I've been working at this for 10 years now. I have overcome my disorders for the most part. I still have weight issues and fear of being in romantic relationships but I believe I will overcome this to.

[LearningToDanceAgain]

Thank you all for your valuable input!! I'm going to add some more Re-Ki and meditation to my sceduale... and keep on keepin' on. Thanks so much!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by LearningToDanceAgain

I'm discovering lots of things I have done my whole life because of what she taught me, not what I believe to be true.

Question your suffering, and you will find that it's all self-inflicted. Live, and learn .