Frustrated with people giving just the minimum

[squirrel]

This is my first posting on this forum and I wonder if there is anybody out there with a similar problem or who can relate to this:
I have learned in life that I cannot make people fulfill my needs. So, if somebody leaves me frustrated, I try to see it as a mismatch of my expectations rather than his or her failure and I accept it and try to move on, be it in a personal relationship or a professional one rather than getting stressed out over something I cannot change. I guess, everybody has to figure out where his or her personal limit is of what is acceptable and what not. So far so good.
Now I observe that no matter where I place my limit, people tend to adapt to it very quickly by just keeping very close to the limit, giving just the minimum and making just the minimum effort necessary to keep me from walking away from them. At this point of walking away I am already frustrated. I do not want to get frustrated about others and therefore would like to lower my expectations to a point where this wouldn't happen to me - but what often results from it is that people tend to follow my expectations and always JUST meet them. The only safe place seems to have no expectations at all.
I am just having this situation at work where I am about to kick somebody out of a project for not pulling his weight, and all of a sudden he is making an effort, but just enough to be kept in. The same can happen with personal relationships. Not that I am "kicking people out" of personal relationships, but the push-pull thing sometimes gets painful enough so that it is smarter to just distance myself from somebody (happens especially if you like somebody who doesn't like you back the same way, but you don't want to tell him - after all it is his right).
What do you do to get out of this state of frustration? Lower the bar? Expectations at zero? Note that we don't make up our expectations out of the blue - the very people who disappoint our expectations often contributed to raise those expectations in the first place!

Hope I could express myself clearly. English is not my first language.

[magi13]

The issue here is motivation. ^^ You have to find a way in order to motivate those around you.

I've tried positive reinforcement. It works wonders.

[RT Wolf]

Read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He talks about how to get the best out of people by treating them as if they're just the best.

One of my profs did this with me. When I went to pick up my tests last time, he said, "i'm surprised, I expected you to do better" but without judgement, just an expectation. So, my last test, I got a 92% (very rare here). For myself and for him, but I think the appreciation and belief that I'd do better helped. So, read that book and you may well find your answer.

[Lilith785]

Read "How to win friends and influence people" The book is older but human nature isn't new either.

[squirrel]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

One of my profs did this with me. When I went to pick up my tests last time, he said, "i'm surprised, I expected you to do better" but without judgement, just an expectation. So, my last test, I got a 92% (very rare here). For myself and for him, but I think the appreciation and belief that I'd do better helped. So, read that book and you may well find your answer.

Interesting approach - and just the contrary of what I often hear from people: don't expect anything - then you won't be disappointed.

I guess the "without judgment" part is the most important.

[Starman]

Hi Squirrel:

I think your English is good, and your writing is very good also.

To yourself, you must be true (I mean to your standards and judgment). You’ll be sorry if you settle for something less than what you feel is expected. There is no universal truth here, of when your expectation is too much, or when others are doing too little. Expectations are standards that are personal, geared to what an individual wants in life. Setting and keeping standards are the way you deserve what you want in life. If you lower yours, you’ll set yourself up to receive something less than you desire.

When you feel this way about others falling short of your expectations, ask this question: “What is it that you want?”

You must communicate your expectations, so others know where you stand. Then, if they feel your expectations are unrealistic, you can at least have the chance to talk about it, and maybe the opportunity to come to an understanding. Or maybe confirm within yourself that your expectations are justified for what you want to achieve.

Tell the employee on the project you’re managing what it is you need them to make happen, and then leave it up to them to make it happen. If they don’t come through, then let them know that they’re forcing you into the only response that will result in a successful outcome: give the job to someone that’ll get it done. That's not a decision one likes to make, but we can't let a project fail because of one person, either. Which is the lesser evil?

But gage by the results, not the manner the results are brought about, unless that in itself is important.

You must communicate your expectations.
You must not compromise them.

[squirrel]

Thank you, Starman, for the very thoughtful reply! Your words give me some encouragement to stick to my standards. You're right, I'd probably be sorry in the long run if I settled for less.
The situation is very complex and difficult to navigate, I have to say: I am in charge of a research project and the folks I am working with are about 20 years my seniors and all but collaborative, even though they have chosen to be with me in this project...
It's been a rough road, but now that the first annual report is due they slowly seem to realize that their defending each other's low standards has gotten them nowhere. I have the final responsibility of the project, and technically have the authority as well, but in reality I have to gain authority and respect inch by inch.