Intense Pain

[seeker5]

Hi.

I need help in dealing with this intense emotional pain I'm going through that is related to relationship and also beliefs about myself. I'd like to get some suggestions on how I can deal with it, and overcome my issues. However, most important, I need the most help in being held accountable that I do work through the pain and that I do face the underlying bad belief I have about myself and maybe people or whatever I need to face to deal with this emotional pain instead of just burying the pain so that it resurfaces in uglier forms later on.

For too long I've had this tendency of frequently running away from my bad emotional feelings - I try to ignore them and when they get bad, then I just bury them by incessantly playing computer games, reading the news online for hours at a time, or even sometimes just browsing through this forum mindlessly. When I do this, I also invariably disconnect from those close to me and from myself as well so I'm gone from anyone close to me. I also shut down completely socially and don't keep any of my social commitments, so I isolate myself at home. Worst of all, the underlying issues are still there, and it does nothing but get worst over time. I've been hit so much this past few days about how by not facing this earlier, I've allowed this issue to cause so much loss, and if I don't deal with it now, it'll be even worst.

Ok. I think the issue is this emotional trigger belief that I'm a loser in a number of areas, especially relationship and social situations (and to a lesser degree career). It's not something I go around feeling all the time, but certain situations bring that out in me. Intellectualizing it away does not help - I know I'm not a loser, but yet, lately, as I've been focused on overcoming a lot of my social fears, this has come up a lot. It also came up tremendously during the Christmas period when I was trying to figure out what to do next in my career (that is return to school or not), and I feel it hasn't really left me. That is, normally, in a relationship, I'd be non-clingy, let the other person have so much freedom, be more cheerful. However, I can see now looking back this past month and a half, because I've let this long time belief influence me subconsciously, I've been a lot more clingy, more holding on to the other person, more needing the other person to validate me which is all crazy and not who I am really normally in relationships. I feel too that because I'd let this belief influence over me, I've been a lot less loving then I normally would have.

Anyhow, this loving relationship I've been kind of involved is at least a question mark and I'm not able to communicate with the other person about it. This has thus surfaced all of those issues, and in a way it's a great gift for me because I do need to deal with this issue of feeling like a loser, and this limiting belief that "it's dangerous and stupid for me to show to others that I may be cared for" that comes up with people I'm not close to (while that latter belief is not related to the existing relationship, it is related in that it has a big hand in making forming new relationship very hard). The pain has been so intense the past few days, that I have no choice but to deal with these underlying deep issues I've kind of ignored or tried to smooth over by using the previous method of playing computer games/reading news/etc.

I've been doing Katie Byron's The Work, and it's helped a lot, but even last night after spending some time on it, I thought I'd be ok. But I wasn't able to fall asleep, and pain just kept on coming over me. I probably managed to only get one or two hour of solid sleep and the pain woke me up two hours before my alarm clock was set to go off. So, sorry if I'm kind of rambling, I'm not sure how to structure this post, but I wanted to go ahead and post it before I go to my first class.

[magi13]

I'd recommend a book by paulo coelho titled the alchemist. the character in that book is in a similar situation that you are currently in.

it's a nice fictional book. i hope you find solace in reading it.

XXX

In another note, i can relate well with how you feel, because I feel the urge to escape things too. I'm studying law school and I really hate going to class. It's not how hard or time management that bothers me, it's the stress on being at that specific school, that i don't like my classmates as well as my surroundings.

I just really want to go away. But at the same time I believe that I have to conquer this challenge in order to feel free from that fear of stress.

The good side of all this experience is that I make money without doing anything. I wrote a book about how to memorize, because that unholy school forces me too and my classmates who I wish would just die really annoys me.

My solution is to take my knowledge and transfer school, but I can't till the semester ends.

So I have no problem with memorizing/analysis/funds. I'm loosing to stress.



hehehe, reading that book really helps a lot because it talks about that little voice our hearts tell us when we rationalize that we can do something about it.

The option it showed me is that, listen to your heart, in effect it will no longer bother you as soon as you confirm to your heart that it has been heard. then we can decide what to do without regrets.

I do believe even though people would say, i have no regrets, they tend to reminisce the past as time flows.

I hope this little story my help you. and I myself will find my own answers.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by magi13

I'd recommend a book by paulo coelho titled the alchemist. the character in that book is in a similar situation that you are currently in.

it's a nice fictional book. i hope you find solace in reading it.

Thanks for the recommendation magi13! I read it while I was at school, wrote the name down and on the way home I stopped by the bookstore and bought it. I also thought a book on self-love would be good, and saw Byron Katie's book on love so I bought that too . I'm looking forward to reading through them!

In another note, i can relate well with how you feel, because I feel the urge to escape things too. I'm studying law school and I really hate going to class. It's not how hard or time management that bothers me, it's the stress on being at that specific school, that i don't like my classmates as well as my surroundings.

I just really want to go away. But at the same time I believe that I have to conquer this challenge in order to feel free from that fear of stress.

Thanks for sharing the story . I wish you success in overcoming this challenge.

The good side of all this experience is that I make money without doing anything. I wrote a book about how to memorize, because that unholy school forces me too and my classmates who I wish would just die really annoys me.

Wow, that's awesome! Kudos.

The option it showed me is that, listen to your heart, in effect it will no longer bother you as soon as you confirm to your heart that it has been heard. then we can decide what to do without regrets.

Yeah, I've tended to ignore too much what the heart says, or what my pain says I should focus on. Time for that to be over.

I hope this little story my help you.

Yes, I appreciate you sharing it, and thanks for the encouragement

[straysweeper]

Seeker,

I think I can really relate to this, as by reading your post I can almost feel my own pain hiding right beneath the eyes. I have also been directing the pain into other activities such as amine, games, tv, and sleep. These bandages hold back the flood.

Wayne Dyer refers to two quotes (Wisdom of the Ages) that I think may help.

All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone. ~ Blaise Pascal

Learn to be silent.
Let your quiet mind listen and absorb.
PYTHAGORAS

I recently was forced to go on walk that helped a good deal. I think I need to do more of it. Which reminds me of another quote:

"I have so much to do today, I'll need to spend another hour on my knees." Martin Luther

I love quotes if you can't tell

I've been reading through three books, I've had with me and journalling a lot lately. Peaks and Valleys, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and Think & Grow Rich. And there have been a lot of good things connecting these books.
Here are some of what I pull away from them.

The Pain of a Valley can awaken you to a truth you've been ignoring.
The way you see the problem is the problem.
The way out of a valley appears when you learn to see things differently.
What is the truth about the situation? Use reality as your friend. See it as it is, but not worse than it is.

There is more, but it feels like my tiredness is showing more than I expected. But overall, I recommend, going someplace to be alone, with no distractions, and maybe take a long a few really good, probing questions. Another thing that has helped me lately is to forgive myself. For not yet being exceptional in the eyes of the world, as I wish to be. For not being financially free, successful, perfect/ideal relationship, fit and healthy, whatever else I think should be different from what it is now.

Its tough, and I wish you well. If you find something that helps and works for you, I'd welcome it.

[Lauxa]

Hi seeker,

Sending you lots of love and hugs to help you through these tough times.

Whatever else you do or don't do, remember to be gentle with yourself. This definitely includes being gentle with yourself for using TV, social isolation, etc. to numb the pain. Feeling pain is one thing but feeling bad about feeling pain is "double dukka" as Ajahn Brahm would say -- suffering about suffering. So remember acceptance and surrender and gentleness as you face your sufferings.

Other than that, I would recommend doing some affirmations and visualizations on what you'd like to generate in the area of relationships. I've also been having good success with affirmations for better sleep, eg. "I'm slipping into a deep and peaceful sleep."

[SimonaRich]

At least you know what you limiting belief is. Meditation and affirmations would help you a lot because affirmations will overwrite your beliefs and meditation will relax you and make you more positive.

Try to do what you enjoy and by that I do not mean something addictive as playing computer games. You should try reading more self improvement books because they will uplift you.

If you feel really down, you should look for what good you have in your life and thank for it. The feeling of gratitude always makes you more positive because it raises your vibration and your point of attraction shifts - after some time - and you start attracting more positive things in your life.

[Honeywith4bees]

Hi Seeker,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down right now, I know it's never fun to be feeling that way.

As you may know, I deal with some similar issues, and while I am still struggling, I truly feel like I am getting closer to finding the things that will work for me.

One of those things is meditation.

I was reading the book Eat, Pray, Love (great book!) and the author talks about realizing how boring one's mind truly is, just the same thoughts over, and over and over again, and i realized that I am definitely guilty of that one. I get into a thought pattern that starts out seeming innocent enough, but if left unchecked, wham! So, as Christine Kane recommends over on her blog, I am learning to "cultivate the observer". I used to try to repress (surfing the forums, eating, etc), but that would always come back and bite me in the butt. So this cultivating thing, I just kind of acknowledge and say No.

I have also realized that for me, when I start to listen to the "I'm worthless" gremlin, the gremlin wants me isolated and alone, cut off from my Source. A quick fix can be doing something like going to a Yoga class. We always start with a meditation and an intention. That reminder plus the social interaction work wonders for me.

The last thing that has been helping me, is Gratitude. I've begun collecting things like letters from friends, emails, photos, inspirational quotes, etc and put them into a place where I can go to for a daily reminder of how good life is, even if it is sometimes painful.

I hope that you can find something useful in this post, and that you find a way out of your sadness.

With love,

[seeker5]

Hi all,

I want to thank each of you guys so much for your messages . I appreciate the support and what you guys have written. I'll be responding to them later on, but for now I wanted to say I feel much better. I haven't had any pain today, and last night, I was finally able to get a really good night sleep for the first time in several days. I actually feel so wonderful today.

However, this is the part that I know I must continue to focus and work on the underlying issues that are there, or else, at a future occasion this intense pain will come back, perhaps even stronger. This is the part where I must keep on trudging to resolve these issues and I feel I've now got a strong plan of attack.

These intense pain was a huge wake-up call to me, and I will not be forgetful of it.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by straysweeper

Seeker,

Hi Straysweeper good to hear from you again

I think I can really relate to this, as by reading your post I can almost feel my own pain hiding right beneath the eyes. I have also been directing the pain into other activities such as amine, games, tv, and sleep. These bandages hold back the flood.

Yeah, and I experienced this phonema and maybe you do too that when the flood accumulates, then it forces the bandade out and then it's worst then if I had dealt with it earlier.

All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone. ~ Blaise Pascal

Learn to be silent.
Let your quiet mind listen and absorb.
PYTHAGORAS

Those are good quotes. That's probably another reason for all those distractions we sometimes engage in - because we can't deal with the thoughts we're having.

I love quotes if you can't tell

Hehe yup

The Pain of a Valley can awaken you to a truth you've been ignoring.
The way you see the problem is the problem.
The way out of a valley appears when you learn to see things differently.
What is the truth about the situation? Use reality as your friend. See it as it is, but not worse than it is.

Yes, very very very much so! This intense pain woke me up to something that was a big problem in my life and while I was surfaced aware of it, I hadn't dealt with the root to the degree I am now. I am seeing things very differently too. I'm grateful for that intense pain, while it seemed like hell at the time, to wake me up.

But overall, I recommend, going someplace to be alone, with no distractions, and maybe take a long a few really good, probing questions.

Thanks for the suggestion. I've been doing that, where I'm alone and I'm journalling what my thoughts are and it's helped a good bit to realize what was happening.

Another thing that has helped me lately is to forgive myself. For not yet being exceptional in the eyes of the world, as I wish to be. For not being financially free, successful, perfect/ideal relationship, fit and healthy, whatever else I think should be different from what it is now.

Good idea! I know I'm way too judgemental toward myself and I've had two people tell me that this week, and I agree with them.

Its tough, and I wish you well. If you find something that helps and works for you, I'd welcome it.

Thanks

I've been working through Kathie Byron's book, and it's been awesome and very helpful. Analyzing my thoughts and what caused the pain is really good. I've gained an amazing level of clarity of what my thoughts and beliefs are doing. I also saw my amazing and wonderful shrink yesterday and it helped so much.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Hi seeker,

Hi Lauxa

Sending you lots of love and hugs to help you through these tough times.

Thanks.

Whatever else you do or don't do, remember to be gentle with yourself. This definitely includes being gentle with yourself for using TV, social isolation, etc. to numb the pain. Feeling pain is one thing but feeling bad about feeling pain is "double dukka" as Ajahn Brahm would say -- suffering about suffering. So remember acceptance and surrender and gentleness as you face your sufferings.

Thanks for the reminder!

Other than that, I would recommend doing some affirmations and visualizations on what you'd like to generate in the area of relationships. I've also been having good success with affirmations for better sleep, eg. "I'm slipping into a deep and peaceful sleep."

Oh? Hmmmm. I'm not sure affirmations will help me, I haven't found them that helpful for other things in the past that were much lighter and I tried it a lot. However, visualization helps me tremendously and I've been doing that for me. However, for me, it's not a matter of figuring out what to generate in terms of relationships - I've been visualizing that for a while now. I want instead to generate a way of being within myself so that no matter what happens in a relationship, I'm perfectly ok. So my focus on dealing with this pain and problem is on working on the inside of me, not on generating relationships.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

At least you know what you limiting belief is. Meditation and affirmations would help you a lot because affirmations will overwrite your beliefs and meditation will relax you and make you more positive.

Ah, I didn't think of meditation. Thanks.

Try to do what you enjoy and by that I do not mean something addictive as playing computer games. You should try reading more self improvement books because they will uplift you.

Yeah, true.

If you feel really down, you should look for what good you have in your life and thank for it. The feeling of gratitude always makes you more positive because it raises your vibration and your point of attraction shifts - after some time - and you start attracting more positive things in your life.

Yes, thanks for the reminder!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Hi Seeker,

Hi Honneywith4bees

As you may know, I deal with some similar issues, and while I am still struggling, I truly feel like I am getting closer to finding the things that will work for me.

One of those things is meditation.

That's two people in this thread who has recommended it, so that's a big hint!

I was reading the book Eat, Pray, Love (great book!) and the author talks about realizing how boring one's mind truly is, just the same thoughts over, and over and over again, and i realized that I am definitely guilty of that one. I get into a thought pattern that starts out seeming innocent enough, but if left unchecked, wham! So, as Christine Kane recommends over on her blog, I am learning to "cultivate the observer". I used to try to repress (surfing the forums, eating, etc), but that would always come back and bite me in the butt. So this cultivating thing, I just kind of acknowledge and say No.

Thanks for the reinforcement! That's what I need to do - analyze deeply what my thoughts are at all times instead of doing this distraction stuff. I just formulated myself a rule yesterday, and I even used it yesterday once. That new rule for me is this: Anytime I feel any kind of emotional pain, no matter how small or how big, instead of distracting myself or ignoring it, I will as soon as possible fire up my journal and figure out exactly what thought generated it and go as deep as possible to find what happened. Then I'll figure out a way to deal with it.

I have also realized that for me, when I start to listen to the "I'm worthless" gremlin, the gremlin wants me isolated and alone, cut off from my Source. A quick fix can be doing something like going to a Yoga class. We always start with a meditation and an intention. That reminder plus the social interaction work wonders for me.

Ah thanks. Yeah, I need to force myself to do social interactions instead of shutting down completely. That led to my second rule I just formulated too, and I used it two days ago and it was helpful. If I make a social plan, no matter how bad I feel internally I'm going to keep it and go. That'll help prevent me from shutting down for a long period of time while doing distracting stuff. I applied that two nights ago, went to this event that I really didn't feel like going, and I loved it. It helped lift my mood. While I later had a recurrence of that deep pain that allowed me to only sleep for 2 hours, I believe had I not gone to that social event earlier in the day, it'd have been so much worst even though it was already so bad. I'd probably have gotten 0 hours of sleep.

The last thing that has been helping me, is Gratitude. I've begun collecting things like letters from friends, emails, photos, inspirational quotes, etc and put them into a place where I can go to for a daily reminder of how good life is, even if it is sometimes painful.

Ah that's beautiful! I like that idea.

I hope that you can find something useful in this post, and that you find a way out of your sadness.

Yes thanks . Although, technically I wasn't sad at all and didn't feel grief. I just felt this huge and incredibly intense pain that hurted so much that I didn't expect nor understand.

Love,

[seeker5]

Magi13:

I wanted to tell you - Thank you so much for your recommendation of "The Aclhemist"! I started reading it last night, and I love it! I love the guy's style and I know I'm going to devour and enjoy the book tremendously.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Oh? Hmmmm. I'm not sure affirmations will help me, I haven't found them that helpful for other things in the past that were much lighter and I tried it a lot. However, visualization helps me tremendously and I've been doing that for me. However, for me, it's not a matter of figuring out what to generate in terms of relationships - I've been visualizing that for a while now. I want instead to generate a way of being within myself so that no matter what happens in a relationship, I'm perfectly ok. So my focus on dealing with this pain and problem is on working on the inside of me, not on generating relationships.

I guess I just always accompany my affirmations with visualizations so the two seem almost indistinguishable to me.

I hear what you're saying about the focus being on you and not the relationships, but still I would submit that a certain way of thinking about relationships is what is causing you the pain. What would happen if you just moved your attention to your goal of generating fulfilling relationships? But I guess you could just as easily move your attention to your goal of being at peace with whatever happens...

Anyway, I am glad to hear you are feeling better!

[Parthon]

Hey seeker! *hugs*

From what you've read and written around the place, you must have all the answers right?

I think you are definately on the right track, but I sense that it's not just being a loser, you actually have a deep fear about being a failure, that it's better to quit than to fail. This is a cover for actually deep down feeling like you aren't enough, that you aren't worthy, that you aren't deserving.

The Work will really help, but you'll have to dig down deep to the root cause, deeper than you have ever gone before.

Good luck.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

I guess I just always accompany my affirmations with visualizations so the two seem almost indistinguishable to me.

Ahh ok, that makes more sense. I remember now that I did use affirmations about a year and half ago or so to deal with this "loser" thingy, and I used other stuff to work on my body and it worked for a while until a crisis came up last year and easily blew it away. I then realized I had only dealt with it on a surface level.

What would happen if you just moved your attention to your goal of generating fulfilling relationships?

I've already been doing that, I've already been focused on generating fulfilling relationships for a while now. It's probably precisely because of this focus, that this pain came up that directed my attention to dealing with this specific stuff within me, this relationship with myself. That's why I put this thread in the emotional mastery rather then social & relationship forum .

Anyway, I am glad to hear you are feeling better!

Thanks

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

I would submit that a certain way of thinking about relationships is what is causing you the pain.

What ways do you think?

[angies]

I guess we all feel inadequate about certain things at times in our life. I do have intense need for validations and it drives me mad. I get very disappointed when people do not response to me the way I expected them to either emotionally or professionally. I have to constantly remind myself not to think like that. I read the book The power of now, about pain and how not to feed the pain and help it to grow. Just acknowledge it and then let it go. I guess you already do this to some extends with your games and reading etc. I am not sure if that would work for me in the long term but for now, that is all I am doing. I don't give the pain any of my attention, energy and emotion, I just acknowledge it, recognise that that is one of the defects in my thinking and then send it on its way and go on with my normal daily activities. Having said that I do need to bury it a fair it by keeping busy with work, exercise, and my relaxation activities (tv, reading, surf the net, play internet games etc.

Not sure if I was of any help. Just want to share the experience.

Hugs and good luck

[magi13]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Magi13:

I wanted to tell you - Thank you so much for your recommendation of "The Aclhemist"! I started reading it last night, and I love it! I love the guy's style and I know I'm going to devour and enjoy the book tremendously.

You're welcome. Paulo Coelho is a wonderful author. I'm glad that you like it. <(^o^<)

[The Cloud]

What compels you to seek out distractions like video games? Are you really just avoiding pain?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

What compels you to seek out distractions like video games? Are you really just avoiding pain?

Most of the time, yes I tend to use computer games to avoid dealing with emotional problems in my life. I use it to numb myself, and lower my consciousness level. To deal with emptiness and feelings of disconnect and avoid facing emotional pain.

Once in a while I do it because I am intellectually bored and my mind hasn't been intellectually challenged enough, so I need something very intellectually challenging to stimulate me. However, this isn't the case since I'm in school.

The last few days, really since Sunday night, I've had absolutely no desire to play any computer games. Either I've been in deep pain, or my whole focus has been on this problem here and it's been intellectually challenging and I'm emotionally connecting with myself, and facing my issues now, so I feel absolutely no desire to play them.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by seeker5

What ways do you think?

Well, you said before...

Originally Posted by seeker5

I think the issue is this emotional trigger belief that I'm a loser in a number of areas, especially relationship and social situations

But maybe I'm not understanding correctly. What do you think is causing the pain?

Do you actually think that thought ("I'm a loser") or maybe derivatives of it ("My relationship ended, I was too clingy, therefore I'm a loser")?

Or do you just suspect that belief to be behind other thoughts ("I need this person to validate me and pay attention to me"... but the belief behind that is "or else I'm a loser")?

Originally Posted by seeker5

Either I've been in deep pain, or my whole focus has been on this problem here and it's been intellectually challenging and I'm emotionally connecting with myself, and facing my issues now

Could you elaborate on this a bit? In what way is your problem intellectually challenging? I wonder if you're getting into your head a bit too much when maybe you should be getting into your body... working out... cleaning... or lending a helping hand to another person...

For me, I find that working on the surface-level thoughts is enough. I'm not sure that I have layers and layers of thoughts and beliefs. Or maybe the surface-level thoughts just percolate down to form the underlying layers. But retraining my brain's thought-circuits after years of negativity is definitely a process!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Most of the time, yes I tend to use computer games to avoid dealing with emotional problems in my life.

What if you turned this statement into "yes I tend to use computer games, and I have no excuse or justification for doing so. My emotional problems are not to blame and have no control over me, because I am responsible for my actions."?

[seeker5]

Do you actually think that thought ("I'm a loser") or maybe derivatives of it ("My relationship ended, I was too clingy, therefore I'm a loser")?

Hmmmm. Not really.

I have a hard time explaining it Lauxa. Since I started the OP, I've come to some deeper realization about what was going on inside of me, and for some reason I'm just not feeling comfortable sharing it publicly for now. I do feel I've got a good multi-level intense plan of attack, to fix this, so I'm implementing it. I'll see how well it works, however I've had some very promising early results. Maybe later I'll feel comfortable talking about it publicly.

Could you elaborate on this a bit? In what way is your problem intellectually challenging? I wonder if you're getting into your head a bit too much when maybe you should be getting into your body... working out... cleaning... or lending a helping hand to another person...

I found it intellectually challenging because this was something I could spend my entire mental facilities on. I could trace all of the manifestation of this deep problem and it was interesting to discover so much about its manifestation, and then go back two-three months and trace some specific behavior it was causing, and specific emotions it was causing. This means I could engage my whole mind on something, and in truth, I love to engage my whole mind on something . I'm a very intellectually-leaning guy. The problem I had before was that I wasn't willing to use my mind to dig deep into what was going on, I'd run away from what my emotions were telling me by distracting myself. By facing it and really exploring deeply what was going on, then I was able to make progress and uncover deeper layers.

For me, I find that working on the surface-level thoughts is enough. I'm not sure that I have layers and layers of thoughts and beliefs. Or maybe the surface-level thoughts just percolate down to form the underlying layers. But retraining my brain's thought-circuits after years of negativity is definitely a process!

We each do what works for ourselves, and different things may work for different people. I know that for 16 years I tried to just work on my surface thoughts, and install a lot of correct beliefs I had. I've had a lot of great improvement over the years because of that, but I still had some same fundamental issues that never went away. So, now by going deep I'm able to bring those issues to light and then deal with them.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

What if you turned this statement into "yes I tend to use computer games, and I have no excuse or justification for doing so. My emotional problems are not to blame and have no control over me, because I am responsible for my actions."?

It loses the simple truth and does nothing for me.

My emotional problems caused this, and I'm the one who caused my emotional problems. I'm not being less responsible for saying my emotional problem caused this. I don't believe emotional problems are out of reach for me to handle - I've had plenty of other emotional problems I've overcome. I believe I can resolve them, if I focus on doing so. So my statement is not one of losing power, but of gaining power. Realizing that I use computer games to avoid dealing with emotional problems is a good realization. Because now that I know that when I start to feel nudge to play a computer game, or to read the online news or something like that, then I know there's a something going on in me and I'm going to go journal about it to discover what it is so I can deal with it. That's better then spending two weeks straight distracting myself and brooding in my negative emotions until I get to the crisis point where my body is in so much pain.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by seeker5

That's better then spending two weeks straight distracting myself and brooding in my negative emotions until I get to the crisis point where my body is in so much pain.

You don't have to do that, that's just what I did that showed me how little emotions really have to do with my actions. I wasn't even sure what I was trying to accomplish, so the process was definitely unbalanced. But just because the process was unrefined doesn't mean that the lesson was worthless.

The lesson I learned was that emotions are not what control my actions, and therefore I have no emotional problems. Emotional problems were a scapegoat for me, a frame-up designed to prevent me from being truly responsible for my actions. As long as I assumed that emotions influenced my actions, I didn't have to admit to myself that they were fully and completely my actions. It could always be my emotional problem's fault, rather than my own responsibility. But the emotional problem was just an imaginary boogey-man.

You're right in saying that you are the one causing your emotional problems; where you slip up is in assuming that your emotional problems cause you. Your emotional problems aren't really doing anything to hold you down; you are holding you down, and then putting emotions there so that you can blame them. The emotional problems are really the illusion of problems pretending to be you. There's not actually any problem there for you to fix, or to stop fixing for that matter. The emotions don't have anything to do with what your doing, either to hold you down or lift you up.

[WordKeeper]

Seeker5 - I'm so glad you have received so much support on this thread. As I was reading your first post I had a few thoughts that lead me to some thoughts that may or may not be helpful. If my suggestions don't resonate with you then just ignore them.

Let me begin with some notes based on your first post and then my thoughts in response to some of your postings.

You wrote:

Face my pain rather than bury it.
Run away from pain via computer games, reading the news, browsing forums.
Disconnect and shut down socially, isolate

Triggering belief that I am a loser; been clingy and needing validation.

Relationship ending has resulted in these issues surfacing.

this limiting belief that "it's dangerous and stupid for me to show to others that I may be cared for"

Consider this - the things you do to run away from the pain (i.e. computer games etc) are a vestige of a life-saving technique. In other words, at an earlier time the pain from the limiting belief or other wound was so intense that it needed to be repressed or buried in order to survive. Now as an adult the repressing or disassociative techniques survive but they are not only no longer lifesaving they are now destructive. Where the pain from the wounding once was life-threatening, now can be dealt with rationally as an adult but only if those memories are allowed to resurface.

It may be the case that you are re-experiencing pain from a very young age but not the memories.

What I saw as I read your first post was that as a result of resolving to get to the source of your limiting beliefs the core of your original pain began pushing itself to the surface. What you identify as your limiting belief, "I am a loser" possibly comes from a very young age, from wounds that were repressed and became subconscious or unconscious.

You see in yourself that you normally give the other person room but in this recent relationship you became clingy and needing validation. Perhaps it is your rational self, the Left-brain portion that values independance and freedom and thus has repressed the Right-brain, emotional side of you which was wounded at a very young age and did NOT receive the nurturing that you needed. Perhaps that repressed, wounded part DOES need that connection and validation and no longer could be repressed. The wounding seems to be that the very being who needed to nurture and provide life-giving protection to you actually gave you the destructive messages which you now identify as your limiting belief.

Perhaps as an adult you can now provide for that young child the validation and affirmation that you once needed and that that child resurfaced and tried to get out of this recent relationship.

[I'm afraid my writing is disjointed. For some reason I am not articulating in a way to clearly convey my vision but I am going to post it any way. If any part of this strikes a chord with you I will be glad to try to write more clearly. Regardless, I do hope that you are able to find the relief you are seeking. Noone deserves to be trapped by any kind of a limiting belief and I wish you freedom.]

[seeker5]

The Cloud,

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You're right in saying that you are the one causing your emotional problems; where you slip up is in assuming that your emotional problems cause you. Your emotional problems aren't really doing anything to hold you down; you are holding you down, and then putting emotions there so that you can blame them. The emotional problems are really the illusion of problems pretending to be you. There's not actually any problem there for you to fix, or to stop fixing for that matter. The emotions don't have anything to do with what your doing, either to hold you down or lift you up.

Are you trying to use subjective reality for me to take more responsibility, and see my emotional problems as something else?

You're saying there's no problem at all? Nothing to fix? So what do I do? I'm sorry, I'm not making sense of what you're saying here.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by seeker5

You're saying there's no problem at all? Nothing to fix? So what do I do?

You don't have to do anything. Your problems are themselves, and without them you won't have any. Trying to fix your problems justifies their existence, perpetuating the system that creates them. What if there isn't anything to fix? Do you need your problems so badly that you can't let them go?

When I say problem, I don't mean an external issue like a broken bone. I mean the judgment that something is a problem.

[Parthon]

It just instead of looking at it as a problem which needs to be solved, you see it as just a situation where action could be taken, but doesn't have to be.

It helps relieve the burden of problems and just turn them into opportunities.