Defeating Depression...

[CreativeSpace]

I just wanted to tell my recent exciting development of my road to recovery from years of suffering from depression.

About two months ago I walked around as if the whole world was on my shoulders. I suffered from low self-esteem, fear of living, guilt about my past, isolation of myself from others, lack of a positive outlook, profound anger at others and a constant feeling of thoughts about suicide. I went to the doctor with a idea that maybe I had SAD (Seasonal Adjusted Disorder) as a way of explaning everything and my doctor straight away prescribed anti-depressants and counselling.

As I left the building I suddenly stopped and looked down at the prescription and thought something was drastically wrong but I was very calm about it. That feeling became much stronger when I collected the tablets and I had a notion that the tablets were wrong, that what was happening was just not making sense.

After taking the tablets for four weeks I saw no difference in how I was feeling and actually found myself back at the doctors asking for an increase in my dose. Without hesitation I got the same calm sense of something being misplaced and not making sense.

Whatever spiritual influence was making itself known I had a wake up call a few days later when I suddenly asked myself out loud why was I taking the tablets. I found myself smiling as it slowly dawned on me that the tablets were a mental step too far from my truth and in a sense they had taken away choice from my life. For so long I had lived the depression script as it was the only script I knew but apart from those times I felt suicidal I was always in control somehow. The thought of losing control was alarming and so overwhelming that I decided there and then not to take the tablets. Now I am not advocating anyone stopping medication as the way to go (the can be serious side effects and in a certain way of looking at it medication is an important part of any recovery) but I had such a strong impulse to let it go that the whole depression script was turned on its head. I proudly told everyone that I was not suffering from SAD, that I wanted to live a healthy and productive life and I no longer wanted to be miserable. The change was incredible. I suddenly had energy and passion and a huge urge to be creative. The old me that has been the norm for so long was shunted way back and a new version of me came forth, kind of like the pheonix thing.

I know depression is a very individual thing and people have different coping mechanisms and ways of presenting symptoms but I am so proud of the way I have turned this around that I just want to shout about it. I can not believe that for so long I protected my depression. How bizarre is that!!!? Now I want to be active and alive. I have never felt so better!

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

This is brilliant stuff, CreativeSpace!

While I never suffered depression as such, I've had a few times in my life when I've realised that I am going the wrong way. At those times, I've been able to turn a corner and move in amore positive direction. I think it's a 'comfort zone' thing. We seem to protect our perceived identity for so long, then when the comfort zone becomes TOO uncomfortable, we have to make a change.
Congratulations anyway and
Joy to you
Hazel

[AndyMartin]

Originally Posted by CreativeSpace

I know depression is a very individual thing and people have different coping mechanisms and ways of presenting symptoms but I am so proud of the way I have turned this around that I just want to shout about it. I can not believe that for so long I protected my depression. How bizarre is that!!!? Now I want to be active and alive. I have never felt so better!

That is great!!! That's a big corner to turn -- when you consciously make the decision to stop trying to survive and start living. I think that's the hardest part, because once you have that the old patterns don't look the same to you when they return. And they do resurface, because they're ingrained patterns that your ego will try to protect. But once you see them as something separate like that, when they arise you can simply accept that they're there -- like a sore muscle -- and keep on walking.

That's a beautiful thing.

[maryelyn]

i had a similar experience. after years of suffering with depression and doing the 'right' thing by consulting with psychiatrists and therapists, i reached a point where i found myself standing in front of an elevator after yet another frustrating appointment, holding a rx for a medication that i had just finished telling the doctor was not helping me...

it was at exactly that point that i decided 'enough!' i crumpled up the rx and pitched it into the first trash can that i passed. i never went back. i decided then and there that it was up to me to help myself. i decided then and there that if i was ever going to be happy it was going to have to be my choice and no one else's.

that was three years ago and i haven't looked back since. i'm happier now than i have ever been. and i truly believe that it all came down to 'choice'.

[nantucketsunset]

It is great to read your stories of recovery, and I agree that positive thoughts and moments of realization and determination are really important and healing, but I also think it's easy for people who have never had clinical depression to think "just pull yourself up by the bootstraps; what you are going through is only in your mind" and stories like this can give them more ammunition not to believe sufferers who are still very ill and who say that they just can't "snap out of it" and are derided and not believed.

After months and years of depression when you are finally coming out of it, it might feel as if you just had the thought "okay, I'm tired of being sick, so now I'm going to be better" and then you do get better, but a lot of people in depression do want to be better and they decide with their whole heart to get better, yet it just doesn't happen with them. Clinical depression is a complicated illness that does involve changes in the actual physical structure of the brain, as well as the levels of neurochemicals, and if it occurred in another part of the body and/or was visible to the eye, people who have not had it and who think that it's just a matter of mere positive thinking to "get over it" would be more willing to respect it as a real illness.

Please don't think that I am knocking your inspirational stories. I just want to present an additional side of the issue.

[MrMonopoly]

Hey, don't stop your medication!
That's probably what made you decide to "quit" your depression in the first place. The negativity will pull you back soon if you really suffered from clinical depression.

"Hey, this is my story. Recently I found out that my kidney is not working properly. I felt that this was very wrong and so I DECIDED that it working WELL. Know I don't go to the doctor anymore and have no problems."