What to do when someone is crying:

[Andrew Gubb]

Nothing! Stop doing things! There is nothing you can do!

I was crying the other day, which got me thinking about writing this post. People have this way of getting so odd when someone is crying. "Hello," they think, "this person is unhappy. How can I control them so that they feel better? Because I judge their unhappiness as unacceptable! They are not allowed to be happy, according to His Honour Judge Joe Bloggs!"

Sadness is sadness. It is not the same as suffering. If I were to choose between tears and insecurity or anxiety I'd choose tears any day. They come, they pass, and you feel clear and unburdened afterwards. Tears are a way of healing, of washing away dirt, of celebrating a beautiful thing that has come to its end with you. If you can cry without grasping onto anything, it purifies you and raises your consciousness greatly.

But people are vulnerable while they are crying. If you come to them with your desire to control their pain, it's a great time to stifle them and stop the process being a clean one.

If you want to help people who are sad, do nothing. Just be there with them. Don't say, for instance, "everything will be okay," unless you feel like that's something they need to hear. Don't reason with them. There is no problem that needs solving! There is just a process that needs to pass, a wound that needs to heal - on its own. Give the person space, according to what you feel they need, and say nothing of importance. Say or think "I love you" or cast that energy into them, and just give them your warmth while the rain falls.

[Ralph]

Even better than nothing - do something crazy! This will interrupt their pattern and immediately change their state. If you're crazy and funny enough, they'll forget what they were crying about and won't be able to recreate that pattern

I definitely agree that comforting like "it's gonna be fine" isn't going to make much difference. You're expected to say it so they can negate it and go on. If the cryer's tears are purifying and you want to be comforting through the process, go like: "it's ok, I'm here, you're not alone".

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

There is no problem that needs solving! There is just a process that needs to pass, a wound that needs to heal - on its own. Give the person space, according to what you feel they need, and say nothing of importance. Say or think "I love you" or cast that energy into them, and just give them your warmth while the rain falls.

Andrew, what a BEAUTIFUL post! Thank you.

[Blanks00]

Haha! I guess this post came a bit late!

My ex was a bit of a cryer and I seriously had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do! So yeah I'm guilty of 'everythings gona be ok'! For me it was like I assumed I was supposed to do SOMETHING but I had no idea what... completely out of my depth!

Question: is hugging them ok?

I mean, are you meant to just ignore them and do something else? Isn't that a bit unfeeling? Or wait for them to stop? But isn't it a bit wierd crying and someone just kinda uncomfortably watching?

Lol I'm a very typical guy in this respect, crying is something I cannot relate to at all, unless it was something like REALLY serious!

This reminds me of something I read in 'women are from venus...', if you tell a guy a problem he assumes you need his help and starts logically walking the problem through with u, and if u tell a woman a problem she wants ur emotional support and not a breakdown or her options or whatever!

It took me a lot of arguments with my ex before I realised that misunderstanding!!!

Hehe.

Blanks00

[seeker5]

Even better than nothing - do something crazy! This will interrupt their pattern and immediately change their state. If you're crazy and funny enough, they'll forget what they were crying about and won't be able to recreate that pattern

No, I agree with Andrew. There are times when we just need to cry, and then it feels good. Maybe interrupt their pattern if they have to compose themselves for an important meeting that is coming up, so they can go to it and be there (and then they cry on later). But if there is no time pressure, if they have the time, let them cry like Andrew says. Sometimes it's not just sadness, it's just stuff that has to come out, and it's important to let it out instead of withholding it.

Thanks for sharing Andrew . Though I'd say, not all crying is purely sadness. Sometimes I have tears that don't come from sadness but from something else, not sure what to call it.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Blanks00

Question: is hugging them ok?

Yes, I'd say hugging them is wonderful and a good way to be supportive.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Yes, I'd say hugging them is wonderful and a good way to be supportive.

Ditto, but you should tune into them and see if it feels right according to the situation. Sometimes they want to be alone, or they want to cry without it being made a big deal of.

[Jonahh]

There are so many kinds and ways of crying, so many cause and causes, I think there can't be a 'rule of thumb' what to do when someone's crying.

Doing nothing is maybe the 'safest' reaction but for most people it would be the hardest thing 'to do' I guess. Then again, what is 'doing nothing'? Just going away?

If it's just sadness and you can be fairly sure it is sadness, then fine. Let it go. I agree, just being there might be the best you can DO but then you are actually doing something!! You endure a sadness that's not your own, for a while you make it your own, you share it (hopefully without crying yourself) and in my experience this can be a beautiful thing for both sides, because it would be a sadness without loneliness.

I believe crying is one of the strongest ways we express emotions, good or bad. When someone's crying, I usually just follow my own emotions, and then it depends on who's crying.

Only if I don't know this person, I prefer not to react at all or really go away, as any attempt to help might make it worse. Also because people are not always "vulnerable while they're crying". I have seen people who were beyond vulnerability - strong, gigantic, aggressive at times...

But mostly I'm listening to the crying itself; the sound of crying can be like words, like an extreme form of body language, too. I think the more you 'listen', the more you'll sense.

My mother used to cry a lot. It was her way of communicating extreme emotions. Sometimes she despised any feedback but mostly she needed us children and my father to figure her out in those moments and act accordinlgy...

But ultimately I believe someone else's crying always puts our own emotions to a test, even our ego on which we can't seem to act in those moments. So in a way it's like a mirror of our selves, held by another person. If you can catch your reflection, you'll DO the right thing.

[Jross22]

I don't know about this. Personally I think that kind of mourning should be done in solitude. The kind where you just want to "let it out" and clean it up. Or maybe put a "do not disturb" sign on your back.

The real problem is, when people have different expectations. I expect her to understand that the fact that I'm hiding in a storeroom means that I want to be left alone. (Real life example!!!) The lady always hunted me down like a bloodhound. Worse yet she did make me feel better, like a line of drugs, but that's a different rant.

Point is that any book you write is only going to be good if all involved live by it, like Robert's rules of order, or the driver's manual. There is no "natural order," no divine right answer.