How to end the war with my body?

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey all,

I seem to be at war with my body in some way and would like to end this war. Did anybody here go that path before? I'm looking for ideas on how to do that concretely.

It surprises me because I really love my body. I love taking care of it, nurturing and pampering it, giving myself foot massages... (even though it's better when someone else does it ). I know my body needs to move a lot, so I take it for long walks. I make it dance every day because it absolutely loves dancing. I feed it the best I can. Given the choice between my body and a great ideal top model body, I'd definitely stick with mine. To me it feels like my body and I are the best buddies ever.

On the other hand, I seem to battle it all the time. As if I didn't want it to be there.

I don't know if I'm at war with my body or with food, but no matter which diet I am on, it looks like the food is detrimental to my health instead of serving it.

I accumulate health problems. When one problem is solved, the next one appears.

I send off very mixed signals about my weight. I want to lose weight. I refuse to lose weight! I can't lose weight. I need to lose weight. I don't care about my weight. Etc. There have been times where I lost a lof of weight, but most of the time it goes up and down and up and down.

I catch myself thinking things like "I first need to lose weight before I meet X". This has nothing to do with seduction, I have it about female friends too. I just feel like hiding as long as I'm still overweight.

When someone says that he finds me attractive, (I'm glad to hear of course but) I immediately feel like protesting and pointing out how flawed I am physically. If I don't do that, it strongly feels like not being honest. I have no problem at all with people telling me that I am wonderful, great, fascinating or amazing. But when the compliment is about my body, it triggers a lot of shame and guilt and I get such a constricted anxious feeling in my chest.

So I guess I'm not that friends with my body, after all. I'm now asking myself "How to end this war with my body? How to fully accept myself and make peace with my body?", but I don't know how to do so concretely. Do you have an idea for me?

Thanks and Love to you all.

[lifetimelearner]

I have no words of wisdom for I experience similar feelings
all I can offer is hugs and hope that you receive excellent wisdom here

[Angela]

Why not schedule Peace Talks?

Ask the representative from each side of the war to appear, one on your left hand, and one on your right hand. Who or what does each one look like? Acknowledge both as honored emissaries, and ask their names. Ask each one: what are you fighting for? For what purpose? and when you get an answer, dig a little further: for what purpose is that? until you reach an accord -- you can find what both sides agree upon.

If you like, I'd be glad to talk you through this process so that you can relax and let your subconscious do all the work.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

But when the compliment is about my body, it triggers a lot of shame and guilt and I get such a constricted anxious feeling in my chest.

Maybe you're at war with the constricted anxious feeling in your chest.

[cacheborn]

Hi Rose
I agree with Angela. It might be better if you let both sides out in the open and have it out. Many times, when we dig deeper, we find self-limiting beliefs which were held long back and are no longer valid. In my case I have been very skinny for most of my life. Few years back I managed to put on some weight but and looked quite okay. However, it took me quite some time to change my earlier feelings about my body. Perhaps, affirmations could also help.

[Susanna77]

I lost 14kg last year and I must say I still feel as fat as before. Now I need to lost another 10kg and I am struggling. I relate to all you say 100%.

I also took a peek at your blog and it looks great.

[Andrew Gubb]

When someone says that he finds me attractive, (I'm glad to hear of course but) I immediately feel like protesting and pointing out how flawed I am physically.

I find you attractive and I don't even know what you look like (well, hardly)

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

I find you attractive and I don't even know what you look like (well, hardly)

This doesn't count, Andrew. You find me attractive on some kind of spiritual/emotional level. I'm talking about bodies here!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Susanna77

I lost 14kg last year and I must say I still feel as fat as before. Now I need to lost another 10kg and I am struggling. I relate to all you say 100%.

I also took a peek at your blog and it looks great.

Thank you.

I can totally relate to what you're saying. In fact I already lost 15kg too, and still feel as fat as before too. It has changed... nothing at all. This also reminds me of a friend of mine. She's as thin as can be, she looks great, and she finds herself too fat! And tortures herself with calories counting and low-fat...

It looks like all this is much more about the mindset in our head than about some objective reality.

I wish you all the best Susanna and send you a big, big hug!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Maybe you're at war with the constricted anxious feeling in your chest.

This is very wise! Absolutely. Maybe it's not really about my body, it's about this feeling. I'll try to remember its first instance and do some EFT on it. Thank you Cloud!

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I have no words of wisdom for I experience similar feelings
all I can offer is hugs and hope that you receive excellent wisdom here

I do as you can see, and I hope it helps you too? Thank you lifetimelearner. You're so lovely, as always. Big hug and lots of Love back to you.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why not schedule Peace Talks? (...)

If you like, I'd be glad to talk you through this process so that you can relax and let your subconscious do all the work.

What a funny and creative idea! Thank you Angela. I'll try it on my own for now, and if I don't manage I'll ask you for help. It sounds like a lot of fun to do this with you.

Originally Posted by cacheborn

I agree with Angela. It might be better if you let both sides out in the open and have it out. Many times, when we dig deeper, we find self-limiting beliefs which were held long back and are no longer valid.

You're right. I did what Angela suggested, just shortly for I didn't have much time, but what came up is:

Rose's body: I want you to love me. I want you to let me do my job without interfering all the time. I want more respect or else I can't work properly.
To what purpose: duh! because it's my job!

Rose's ego: I want you to disappear. You should not be here in the first place. Go away. (followed by a series of insults along the lines of "you're fat, you're ugly...")
It felt so bad that I didn't ask to what purpose that is.

I'll go back to it tomorrow when I have more time.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I did what Angela suggested, just shortly for I didn't have much time, but what came up is:

Rose's body: I want you to love me. I want you to let me do my job without interfering all the time. I want more respect or else I can't work properly.
To what purpose: duh! because it's my job!

Rose's ego: I want you to disappear. You should not be here in the first place. Go away. (followed by a series of insults along the lines of "you're fat, you're ugly...")
It felt so bad that I didn't ask to what purpose that is.

I'll go back to it tomorrow when I have more time.

wow the war rages !
might try it myself

[rawxstasy]

Rose,

I've found that healing my emotional issues has helped a lot to accept myself at whatever weight I am. I did a lot of journaling about my feelings about weight loss and discovered, I felt like I didn't "deserve" to lose the weight. I also had a lot of fear about losing weight because when I lost the weight I got more attention.

I think you need to go deeply inside yourself, weight loss isn't just physical work. As far as losing the weight and still feeling fat, my experience has been it takes a while for my brain to catch up with what I see in the mirror. I still get a shock when I look in the mirror and see a "thinner" person. ( I haven't quite reached my weight loss goals - but I'm almost there)

Hope this helps.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

This doesn't count, Andrew. You find me attractive on some kind of spiritual/emotional level. I'm talking about bodies here!

Everything is energy, therefore, your body is energy!

If I kiss you, will I be kissing your spirit?

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

It looks like all this is much more about the mindset in our head than about some objective reality.

Outstanding Rose! You hit the nail right on the head. It is our thoughts about reality that cause us stress and unhappiness. I've recommended this many times on this forum -- it's so simple, and works really well -- Byron Katie's The Work. The book to read is Loving what is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Rose's body: I want you to love me. I want you to let me do my job without interfering all the time. I want more respect or else I can't work properly.
To what purpose: duh! because it's my job!

Rose's ego: I want you to disappear. You should not be here in the first place. Go away. (followed by a series of insults along the lines of "you're fat, you're ugly...")
It felt so bad that I didn't ask to what purpose that is.

Katie's "The Work" is four questions and a turnaround at the end.

1) Is it true?
2) Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4) Who would you be without the thought

You do it on paper... always on paper with a little space to dive deep into your feelings. It's almost like a working meditation.

"Byron Katie was the first person I encountered who actually provided a practical, workable process that showed me exactly HOW to stop arguing with reality." That quote is from this article.

These two youtube videos you might want to watch. She has a lot of media on the internet, either from her site or things people have bootlegged.
YouTube - I'm too fat, Part 1
YouTube - I'm too fat, Part 2

[carenkh]

One thing I've struggled with in the past is that I AM my body! I just want to be above all this... physical mess. Transcend it. I didn't want to be HUMAN. I mean, I know I'm a spiritual being, what am I dragging this thing around for?

It's funny, 'cause unaware people think they ARE their bodies, and the only reality is the physical. Then they gain some awareness, and they are their spirits. We are both. You talk about your body like a separate entity, and I can see that - but it's YOU, too. You ARE here.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by carenkh

You talk about your body like a separate entity, and I can see that - but it's YOU, too. You ARE here.

You're so right, Caren! It's true that I tend to see my body as something else. It's not me.

And this is true for the fat, too. I see the fat as not being me, and not my body either. It's something alien to us. I can see/guess what my body looks like underneath the fat and I always think I must free it. It's like the fat is a prison, not a part of me.

I once read a book called "The anti-diet book". The author says that many overweight women see the fat as not being themselves. Her strategy is to analyze what the fat is good for (protection, strength, warmth, etc), then to incorporate these qualities into who I am, and to accept the fat as being me, too. And then, when the fat me is one instead of two, she says I'll be free to lose it because I won't need it anymore. Isn't that pretty interesting?

Originally Posted by Dharma

Outstanding Rose! You hit the nail right on the head. It is our thoughts about reality that cause us stress and unhappiness.

That's clear!

I've recommended this many times on this forum -- it's so simple, and works really well -- Byron Katie's The Work.

Hell yes! The funny thing is, I know The Work and have used it for other things, but I never thought of using it for my weight problem!

Thank you so much Dharma, and for the videos too. I'll watch them and do some Work.

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

If I kiss you, will I be kissing your spirit?

You made me grin so much!

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I think you need to go deeply inside yourself, weight loss isn't just physical work.

I agree with you. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's very valuable for me to hear about others who managed to lose weight and how they did it. I'll do some journaling and introspection work. Love.

[Rose of Cairo]

PLAN OF ACTION:

Okay, so I gathered great ideas here. I will:

- do some journaling and introspection work about my body, weight and relationship with them.
- do The Work on my "I'm too fat" belief.
- use EFT on this constricted anxious feeling in my chest when a man finds me attractive (maybe The Work too, if I can find out what I think then)
- do some more peace talks

About peace talks:

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Rose's ego: I want you to disappear. You should not be here in the first place. Go away. (followed by a series of insults along the lines of "you're fat, you're ugly...")
It felt so bad that I didn't ask to what purpose that is.

After posting this, I realized that this is not my ego. My ego says harmless things like "I want to have a beautiful body, so you'd better lose weight, and fast!". The nasty things above are not my ego, it's my mother's voice.

I'll do The Work on it too.

Oh, and one more thing. I wrote in my OP "I just feel like hiding as long as I'm still overweight.". After re-reading this, it dawned on me that maybe this is just an excuse in order to remain hidden.

Steve says that when you think "When I have enough money, I will do xyz.", then the money thing is an excuse to avoid facing the fear of doing xyz, and that we should drop the money step and start doing xyz immediately.

Well, I think fat can have the same purpose as money. When I say "When I have lost weight, I'll do xyz" then it's probably just to avoid doing xyz, because I have made losing weight something so completely impossible for myself that "when I have lost weight" equates "never".

Therefore, I'll list all the things that I want to do "when I have lost weight", and then I'll do them right away! Ha!!!

[Holistic Star]

Hey Rose,

it sounds like you're getting some fantastic clarity and insight coming up.

I just wanted to say I really relate to what you are saying. Your posts have been helpful to me too.

Are you still feeling ill or has that passed?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

- use EFT on this constricted anxious feeling in my chest when a man finds me attractive (maybe The Work too, if I can find out what I think then)

Why do actions have to be dictated by irrational feelings like feeling bad when something good like being complimented happens to you, or feeling good when something like breaking a diet happens? How did broken feelings become our masters, so much so that we spend more time trying to manipulate our feelings than we do trying to live our lives?

What if, by trying to be free of the tight feeling in your chest, you become its slave? It seems that both fighting and appeasing these feelings just makes them stronger. I'm doing an experiment, which I didn't want to make a big deal out of but I think I should tell you. I've decided that, until my feelings show me what they really mean, I'm not going to listen to them or let myself feel them. I stop anger, sadness, happiness, frustration, excitement, depression, right at the source, and I've found that what that results in is a physical reaction from the body that doesn't feel very good. I do it anyways, and I've found that I'm somehow more calm and aware. The ego exists through it's emotional tantrums, and since I've taken that away I've noticed nothing but positive results externally. I'm better with people, more courageous in social situations, and more active in my pursuit of goals.

However, there is a deeper well of feelings that I have never been able to access by any effort, and I've noticed that it has become much closer to the surface now that I am ignoring all the peripheral fake emotions. I'm still disallowing the emotional well, too, because anything else will just be going back to the old habit of listening to false emotional signals, but it's closer and I think that it will become unavoidable eventually. I expect that then I will truly be in touch with my emotions, rather than just a slave to fake ego emotions. Make of it what you will, but I would be remiss if I didn't let you in on this experience. Maybe that tightness in your chest is just a price you should pay to repress/ignore your anxious feelings, which have little to do with the reality of the situation. It's not ignoring or repressing, but somehow I just stop feeling whatever emotion that surfaces, at the cost of feeling the physical response of stress such as tight neck muscles and a funny feeling kind of like heartburn but not (these feelings have gotten weaker over the past week or so, which is about how long I've been doing this). You're the expert on emotions, so I'd like to know what you make of my experiment .

[cacheborn]

- do some journaling and introspection work about my body, weight and relationship with them.
- do The Work on my "I'm too fat" belief.
- use EFT on this constricted anxious feeling in my chest when a man finds me attractive (maybe The Work too, if I can find out what I think then)
- do some more peace talks

Good to see the plan of action and the clarity behind it. I think the fact that you found those things were your mother's voice is significant. It is the parent in your head that is doing the talking.
Good luck with the plan.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

Rose,

I did a lot of journaling about my feelings about weight loss and discovered, I felt like I didn't "deserve" to lose the weight. I also had a lot of fear about losing weight because when I lost the weight I got more attention.

.

yes,I feel that way

you know the old saying -
" As you make your bed, so you must lie in it"

I feel I deserve this weight for the things I have done -
including overeating

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by cacheborn

I think the fact that you found those things were your mother's voice is significant. It is the parent in your head that is doing the talking.

What do you mean exactly? Is it the parent aspect of me, or my mother?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I feel I deserve this weight for the things I have done -
including overeating

But that's unfair! Some people eat just as much as they want, and never gain any weight!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

it sounds like you're getting some fantastic clarity and insight coming up.

Yes, thanks to the fantastic advice here.

I just wanted to say I really relate to what you are saying. Your posts have been helpful to me too.

Really? GREAT!

I don't know what exactly you relate to, as there are different issues in here, for example the "I'm too fat" thing, and the "being attractive makes me feel anxious" thing, and the "I should not exist in the first place" thing... but I'm happy that this thread is helpful to you.

Are you still feeling ill or has that passed?

Oh my, it was worse than ever today. This afternoon I felt so miserable that I mentally begged to be allowed to die (or at least to vomit, he he). But now I'm feeling wonderful again! I found a great remedy: it's a homeopathic remedy called Nux Vomica.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Oh my, it was worse than ever today. This afternoon I felt so miserable that I mentally begged to be allowed to die (or at least to vomit, he he). But now I'm feeling wonderful again! I found a great remedy: it's a homeopathic remedy called Nux Vomica.

I am glad you found something that helps

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

But that's unfair! Some people eat just as much as they want, and never gain any weight!

I probably have this weight for many reasons
one of which when I was younger I was barely 100 lbs and my older sister was heavy
after my third child was born and my sister and I were in Kmart someone complimented her on her lovely baby -she had to tell them he was mine
and the person said but she doesn't look like she just had a baby
my head expanded and my ego inflated

so yes I feel like I deserve the weight for that
and other things

we humans are dumb !!!

sorry to hog your thread rose

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Why do actions have to be dictated by irrational feelings like feeling bad when something good like being complimented happens to you, or feeling good when something like breaking a diet happens? How did broken feelings become our masters, so much so that we spend more time trying to manipulate our feelings than we do trying to live our lives?

Hmmm... I don't think our actions are dicated by our feelings. I think both our actions and feelings are the result of our beliefs, state of consciousness and such. If I hold the belief that "getting a compliment is evil and dangerous", then it's not "something good" anymore. I don't see feelings as irrational, I see them as signals pointing to my beliefs, and when I feel bad then it points to some limiting belief. Does this make any sense?

EFT is not about manipulating our feelings. It's about reclaiming our power from them, it's about not letting them be our masters and hold us back anymore. When you do EFT, you recover your ability to behave the way you choose to regardless of your issues. The issues themselves don't disappear, but they don't make you feel bad to the point of modifying your behavior anymore.

It sounds a lot like what you're doing, actually. Except that you don't tap.

What if, by trying to be free of the tight feeling in your chest, you become its slave? It seems that both fighting and appeasing these feelings just makes them stronger.

EFT is not at all about appeasing or fighting feelings, really.

About your experiment: just to make sure I understand you correctly before I reply: you're talking about repressing/ignoring, then you say it's not about repressing or ignoring. What is it exactly?

When you say you refuse to feel them, you disconnect from them, right?

[lifetimelearner]

I have been reading this book again
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth

and in it he says :

"To recognize one's own insanity is,of course,the arising of sanity ,the beginning of healing and transcendence"

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

EFT is not about manipulating our feelings. It's about reclaiming our power from them, it's about not letting them be our masters and hold us back anymore.

You must first acknowledge your feelings as your powerful masters before you can attempt to take back anything from them. I have nothing against EFT specifically.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

About your experiment: just to make sure I understand you correctly before I reply: you're talking about repressing/ignoring, then you say it's not about repressing or ignoring. What is it exactly?

I don't think that there's a word for it, but I'll do my best to describe it. I feel a feeling, and then I kind of say "no I don't feel that feeling," although I don't actually have to say anything, and then I stop feeling the feeling. The one thing that I did say to myself before the process became more automatic was "this feeling is a lie" or "this thought is a lie." I think I arrived at the process by first ignoring my feelings, and then discovering that I could go further and turn a feeling off entirely.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

When you say you refuse to feel them, you disconnect from them, right?

I don't think so. I think that it's more of an acknowledgment that these thoughts and feelings and beliefs aren't actually real. I mean, they are real, but in the way that a photograph is real; they represent substance, but they are not substance in and of themselves. They are just flimsy paper.