Inferiority related to bullying

[dulaney0330]

Two things have really been my weak spot for a while now: confidence (which I somewhat addressed in a different thread) and same sex friendships.

From 4th grade onward, I was inconsistently alienated and neglected by my peers. I was teased by both boys and girls but the majority of the teasing was done by girls. Sometimes I was teased, sometimes I was accepted.

I was often teased for my appearance. I was a very skinny child and girls would call me "anorexic, ugly and weird." Boys would also call me ugly.

While I have grown to be an attractive person, I still struggle with these comments, specifically the "weird" comments because I have always thought this about myself.

I was picked on a lot, I believe, because I was shy, passive and very independent (I got along better with adults than children).

While I had some same sex friendships I was always fearful of them teasing me. On many occasions, I thought I was friends with a girl and I would find out she was talking bad about me.

Typical immature behavior, I understand. But at 24 years of age, I have difficulty maintaining relationships with women. I have this self-protective defense system and I am always feeling that other women do not like me. I am self-conscious and because of my past experiences I feel like I am "too weird" and "too shy" to be friends.

I have tried cognitive therapy on myself but it falls short. I have tried, " well you are not a mind reader so you do not know if they dont like you." But in the past, girls would act like they did to my face and then behind my back make fun of me.

The basic feeling of inferiority has been rooted by these past experiences and I am unsure how to unweave it. Therapy encouraged growth and it had uncovered the reasons for the teasing but never any resolve.

Any suggestions? Anyone relate?

[Trey Baird]

Well, I would suggest identifying the very basic quality that you desire in a friend, relationship, etc. and start looking for that quality in people. Develop relationships with people who come across as being very unlike the people who make you feel inferior.

At the same time, identify the very basic quality that you can not tolerate, and don't take this quality from anyone. Cut out those who possess this quality, and don't look back.

The world can seem like a cold place sometime, especially when you think that you're completely different from everyone else. However, that's just your mind playing tricks on you, because the world is highly diverse, and there's plenty of people out there just like you, who would be delighted to get to talk to you. It's just a matter of finding them.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Trey Baird

Well, I would suggest identifying the very basic quality that you desire in a friend, relationship, etc. and start looking for that quality in people. Develop relationships with people who come across as being very unlike the people who make you feel inferior.

At the same time, identify the very basic quality that you can not tolerate, and don't take this quality from anyone. Cut out those who possess this quality, and don't look back.

The world can seem like a cold place sometime, especially when you think that you're completely different from everyone else. However, that's just your mind playing tricks on you, because the world is highly diverse, and there's plenty of people out there just like you, who would be delighted to get to talk to you. It's just a matter of finding them.

thanks for your post. I appreciate the comments about diversity and identifying the qualities of people that come across as more comforting to me.

I guess its still that nagging fear of, "when they will get to know you (like the others) they will hurt you."

Its that simple fear that I must master. Tough, but I can do it.

[supertom]

is the picture on your profile of you??

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by supertom

is the picture on your profile of you??

yes it is

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Typical immature behavior, I understand. But at 24 years of age, I have difficulty maintaining relationships with women. I have this self-protective defense system and I am always feeling that other women do not like me. I am self-conscious and because of my past experiences I feel like I am "too weird" and "too shy" to be friends.

I have tried cognitive therapy on myself but it falls short. I have tried, " well you are not a mind reader so you do not know if they dont like you." But in the past, girls would act like they did to my face and then behind my back make fun of me.

The basic feeling of inferiority has been rooted by these past experiences and I am unsure how to unweave it. Therapy encouraged growth and it had uncovered the reasons for the teasing but never any resolve.

Any suggestions? Anyone relate?

What you didn't mention is what you truly want. What is a clear outcome that you are after? What is it you want to create in your life? What kind of person do you want to be?

Please describe that in detail and we might think of something

Ralph

[supertom]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

yes it is

you certainly have grown into a attractive person

my intuition tells me that your not into the things girls normally do and if your mature maybe its better of you hang out with older girls or the "werid" ones, I can related with that on a guy version since Im not into cars and acting like a dickhead.


You have to make this into a primary focus
Setting Your Primary Focus

Its a skill you can learn, just meet as many girls you can, find what qualities you liken change your personality to make your self genuine. being genuine is one thing that all girls like and admire.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Ralph

What you didn't mention is what you truly want. What is a clear outcome that you are after? What is it you want to create in your life? What kind of person do you want to be?

Please describe that in detail and we might think of something

Ralph

Thanks for the thoughtful post. Very kind of you.

Well, I really enjoy taking care of animals and people. I have a strong nurturing side and I wish to pursue counseling.

What I want to create in my life is love, peace and joy. I want to give to others, I want to be free of the consistent self-doubts, fears and anxieties.

I want to be a person of love, selflessness, consistency, non defensive, vulnerable to love, trusting and assertive and confident.

I hope that helps.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by supertom

you certainly have grown into a attractive person

my intuition tells me that your not into the things girls normally do and if your mature maybe its better of you hang out with older girls or the "werid" ones, I can related with that on a guy version since Im not into cars and acting like a dickhead.


You have to make this into a primary focus
Setting Your Primary Focus

Its a skill you can learn, just meet as many girls you can, find what qualities you liken change your personality to make your self genuine. being genuine is one thing that all girls like and admire.

Your intuition serves you well.

I was a tomboy and I was very mature for my age. I wasn't into painting my nails, shopping, or going to parties. I was more into reading, outdoors, sports, and solitary activities.

So, I believe that some of my own interests and personality characteristics have isolated me from the others.

Men, on the other hand, I have no difficulty getting to know and becoming friends. I have much more in common with men than women.

What do you mean by change my personality?

[rawxstasy]

Hi,

I saw your picture, You are very beautiful! I have been through a similar situation as you. I always thought other people were thinking I"m weird etc. I think maybe girls can sense your lack of confidence in yourself and respond to that. The other thing I was thinking of, girls are bitchy and backbiting, it's going to be difficult to find girls who don't talk about others behind their back esp. at 24 yrs old. You are attractive and there's jealously also involved. I'm 43 years old and I still get these jealous looks and bitchy comments behind my back. It's also easier for me to have male friends than women. I just don't worry that much about it. I am very solitary and I enjoy that. If you believe in law of attraction put out to the universe to send someone your way who could be a friend.

On a side note - My daughter just turned 21 and she had a hard time making girl friends also until just recently. It will get better.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

Hi,

I saw your picture, You are very beautiful! I have been through a similar situation as you. I always thought other people were thinking I"m weird etc. I think maybe girls can sense your lack of confidence in yourself and respond to that. The other thing I was thinking of, girls are bitchy and backbiting, it's going to be difficult to find girls who don't talk about others behind their back esp. at 24 yrs old. You are attractive and there's jealously also involved. I'm 43 years old and I still get these jealous looks and bitchy comments behind my back. It's also easier for me to have male friends than women. I just don't worry that much about it. I am very solitary and I enjoy that. If you believe in law of attraction put out to the universe to send someone your way who could be a friend.

On a side note - My daughter just turned 21 and she had a hard time making girl friends also until just recently. It will get better.

Thanks for taking the time to post and your empathy.

I admit that a few girls who were overweight made those comments and I am certain that jealousy was a factor in their remarks. But, my mom would tell me "oh they are just jealous" but that didnt help! It would have been nice if they complimented me or something instead of insults. But it only fed into my already low self esteem and distrust of others.

I have managed to make girl friends in college but now that I am out, I still struggle with initiating friendships with women because of my fear that I am unlikeable.

I believe my self-confidence will always be something that I will work on all my life. But I just want to continue to work on it and not be satisfied with my self-doubts.

Glad to hear your daughter is making more female friends!

[supertom]

Theres nothing intellectually you can do to lessen the fear, only talking to them looking like a idiot than doing it over and over again until you become a natural, although with this belief system Soulful Relationships
I find that people come to talk to you.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by supertom

Theres nothing intellectually you can do to lessen the fear, only talking to them looking like a idiot than doing it over and over again until you become a natural, although with this belief system Soulful Relationships
I find that people come to talk to you.

thanks for the article, i enjoyed reading it.

[dulaney0330]

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might win, by fearing to attempt." --William Shakespeare

[supertom]

"To win without risk is to triumph without glory" -- Pierre Corneille

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Thanks for the thoughtful post. Very kind of you.

Well, I really enjoy taking care of animals and people. I have a strong nurturing side and I wish to pursue counseling.

What I want to create in my life is love, peace and joy. I want to give to others, I want to be free of the consistent self-doubts, fears and anxieties.

I want to be a person of love, selflessness, consistency, non defensive, vulnerable to love, trusting and assertive and confident.

I hope that helps.

What would your life look like if you focused totally on sharing your best self with others, no matter what their reaction would be? Do you need other people's acceptance and kindness in order for you to be who you want to be? It's an internal change for you to make. Once you make it, the external environment will catch up with you soon enough. Change into the person you want to be and the reality will follow your change.


If you have no idea where to start, describe in great detail who you want to be and roleplay this person. Tell yourself it's just a game and you're roleplaying the person you want to be. Put on that mask. People won't reject you, they'll reject the character you're playing. Soon enough the mask will meld with your face and you'll become who you want to be. And you will find that people aren't that bad after all, especially if you love them and love yourself


Best of luck!
Ralph