Never married and/or never had kids

[CroMagna]

I would like to talk to people over age 35 who have never married and/or never had kids. What's it like?

[Lucid Dreamer]

Fantastic!

I have a long term partner who doesn't live with me. I have nieces who live a 10 minute drive away that I can visit when I get antsy about having missed the boat on having children. I love them to bits, but the energy drain from spending time with them makes me grateful I didn't have any - I would be a drooling wreck by now.

I never wanted to get married or have children (except for the odd fleeting moment). I treasure my time alone with my thoughts and with my own projects/hobbies. I used to think I was quite odd (and was made to feel like a weirdo by relatives and friends) but, actually, when I look around at friends and family whose marriages are breaking up (they're around my age) I feel quite happy with my unconventional relationship and life.

It's not for everyone, of course. For one thing, I'm very, very introverted (I can't imagine an extrovert being happy without marriage and children). My creative drives are channelled into artistic/intellectual pursuits. I might very well have had children if I didn't have other fulfilling interests.

I love to travel and I love knowing I can book a flight on impulse and go without having to be responsible for anyone but myself. Selfish? Yes. Lonely? Sometimes. But married people can also be very lonely, and are often frustrated at having to defer their personal goals and desires for the good of the family.

I wouldn't give up my personal freedom for anything. Luckily, my boyfriend would never ask me to.

Anything else you want to know?

[funchy]

I am 36 and happily childless. I am more productive than at any other point in my life, and without kids I can be out in the world doing things. It's GREAT! I can travel. I can get 8 hours sleep, if I need it. I can volunteer. I can show up on time for appointments without the excuse Junior made me late. If a family member or friend needs me, I can be there. No whining about not finding a babysitter. There is so much I need to accomplish in life that I just can't do it all and do a proper job paying full attention to a child.

Expect to be treated poorly by some people who have kids. They seem to think people without kids can't "understand" kids, as if procreating gave them special knowledge. Some may be a bit envious. Some are addicted to the "mommy" lifestyle and may exclude you because you want to talk about adult things and not the latest episode of Barney the Dinosaur. I adapted by seeking out other adults who like to get together without kids.

Prepared to be annoyed by the special privileges parents get. For example : why is it people who choose to be parents get an automatic leave of absence from work for 6+ weeks, sometimes even paid. But if I choose not to have a child, I am not eligible for any sort of leave outside of the normal 1-week increments? That's not fair!

Maybe one day I'll settle down and locate the right guy to be a father. If it's meant to be, it'll happen some day.

I also have the outlook that being a parent is the biggest responsibility a person can have. I'd never one to be one of those parents who has kids as casually as buying a puppy, then ignoring the child when he/she became inconvenient. I'd never want to be a parent who accidentally gets pregnant by a guy I end up hating, and the rest of my life would be custody battles and child's life torn in half. Maybe I worry too much, but I figure if I am going to make that kind of commitment to bring a life into the world, I'd like to think I did everything humanly possible to do it right.

[Trey Baird]

This seems like an interesting topic for a blog. People seem to have strong opinions about this, one way or another.

[neotsu]

Never had children and never really wanted to. It is a lot of responsibility, a lot of work (especially if you're female) and not for everyone. I wholeheartedly what you're saying about parents always getting breaks, plus the special consideration reserved for those who choose to have children, even in an overpopulated world. I enjoy the freedom and the economic advantage of being childfree. I have a lot of admiration and respect for the work involved, but it isn't for me. I've never felt lonely, never regretted it.

[CroMagna]

^^ I agree.

Although I'm only 25 years old (so you never know), I feel that my life is happier and productive without a husband and child. I think I would be much happier remaining this way. Oprah, Camille Paglia, Ann Coulter, and Condoleeza Rice are all unmarried and childless in their 40s/50s.

The main reason I just want to forget marriage is the baggage that will inevitably come along with entering the dating game with the express purpose of falling in love and settling down. Then things like age/race/weight/religion/past history, things that I happen to like about myself, go on the chopping block and I basically would become a mental slave.

Without a husband and children, I can travel all the time. I want to be a professor, so I would get summers off and be able to live in foreign cultures for months at a time, experiencing life in other cultures, meeting new people, learning new languages, and sampling new cuisine.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I don't have kids, but I'm only 23. I don't want any kids. I look at it this way: There are enough human beings on this planet already. If you want to have kids, go ahead. I won't judge you for it. But for me, it's just not practical. I'm sure in 12 or 40 years, I'll still have the same thoughts about this. If you've seen the movie Idiocracy, there's a part in it where intellectuals don't have hardly any children or none at all and the people who are poor keep having more and more children. It leads to quite an interesting world where one man who was frozen for 500 years is now the smartest person in the world. I would say limit your household to 2 children, which is replacement value, or if you're really into slowing population growth, one child.

I was really taken aback from the latest story in the news about the woman who had octuplets and also had 6 other children and couldn't take care of them. That is something on the extreme, but don't you think she's had enough children for the rest of us?

[MagicalRealist]

I'm 41. Never married, never had kids.

I knew by the time I was 10 or 11 that I didn't want kids. I didn't make a big deal over it; I just understood that was the way I was. Some people wanted to be doctors; others wanted to be artists. Some wanted lots of kids; some wanted none. It never occurred to me that I must have children, and I was fortunate to be surrounded by female relatives who never tried to push the subject on me. I always understood that it was entirely my decision, and that I didn't owe it to anyone to have kids, and that there was nothing wrong with not wanting them.

So it's never been a source of conflict or struggle in my life--and not just internally, but externally as well. I've never had co-workers or friends or strangers pull the "You'll change your mind," or "It's different when they're your own" stuff. Ever. I've never been treated disrespectfully, or as if I am less of an adult for not having reproduced. And if people have discussed it behind my back? [shrugs] So what? It's a non-issue (and yeah, that's a rotten pun, but I'll leave it). I just don't attract that sort of thing.

As for marriage, if I found a suitable partner I'd do it; I have no problem with marriage. At the same time I see it as a nice option, but hardly mandatory. If I never marry, that's okay.

However, not having kids and never having married are linked for me. After all, not wanting kids means that I've never had to choose men on the basis of their being stable, reliable, "good providers," or otherwise showing signs of being "good daddy material." That means I get to date all the fun, exciting, wayward "bad boy" types--and I do. I can take greater risks in relationships, I don't have any need to "tame" or "make over" my partners into something more acceptable. But as much as I've enjoyed the company of "bad boys," they are, more often than not, unsuitable marriage partners for one reason or other. Getting yourself legally hitched to someone who is financially reckless, a convicted felon, who has dangerous hobbies and no medical insurance, and/or is thumbing his nose at the IRS is stupid, no matter how much you love him.

But that risk-taking and high tolerance for nonconformity in relationships is in every part of my life. I routinely take big financial risks. I can pack up and move on short notice if that's what I feel called to do. I started my own business on a shoestring years ago, and had some very lean times before things took off. I've quit jobs with nothing else lined up, simply because I was sick of them. I've gone for years at a time without health insurance. I've chosen neighborhoods to live in based on whether they were interesting, not because the schools are good or crime is low. On my own, I can assume a great deal of risk; after all, the only person I have to look out for is myself. Things would be very different if I had kids.

[Susanna77]

I'm 31 (so I hope you don't mind me replying as you asked for over 35's) but just to say I am married (I've been married for nearly 10 years) and we have no kids.

People often claim that people remain childfree because they are selfish, etc. The amount of selfishness I've seen in most parents (not all of course) is in itself enough to make me not want to have kids and not make the same mistakes I see all around me.

[bman]

What happens when you're 80 ?

[bluemoon]

Originally Posted by bman

What happens when you're 80 ?

For one, you become ineligible to purchase life insurance off of those daytime tv commercials.

I hope you don't mind me responding, I'm only 23, but by my age, every one of my female cousins up till this point have been married, and they all have children by 26. So I'm kind of the odd one out, but I love it! In the interest of full disclosure, I live with my boyfriend (along with another roommate), but since weddings make me kind of want to yarf, we have not taken that step for good reason. Additionally, we are both in school and work, and I adore the fact that I've not had to sacrifice any goals for this (great) relationship.

As far as children are concerned, I don't really see that for myself at this point. I've seen and worked with waaaay too many neglectful and selfish parents, who nonetheless tell me "Why don't you want kids?? They are sooo wonderful?" I'll take a dog first, then maybe we'll see in 10+ years.

[bman]

Originally Posted by bluemoon

For one, you become ineligible to purchase life insurance off of those daytime tv commercials.

I hope you don't mind me responding, I'm only 23, but by my age, every one of my female cousins up till this point have been married, and they all have children by 26. So I'm kind of the odd one out, but I love it! In the interest of full disclosure, I live with my boyfriend (along with another roommate), but since weddings make me kind of want to yarf, we have not taken that step for good reason. Additionally, we are both in school and work, and I adore the fact that I've not had to sacrifice any goals for this (great) relationship.

As far as children are concerned, I don't really see that for myself at this point. I've seen and worked with waaaay too many neglectful and selfish parents, who nonetheless tell me "Why don't you want kids?? They are sooo wonderful?" I'll take a dog first, then maybe we'll see in 10+ years.

When you change your mind, hope you're not too late.

I am not saying it's wrong, but... sometimes we don't really know what we want, and it might be too late when we finally decided.

Some people just need time to finally decide what they really want.

My advice is don't take too long.

Life is short. We are not immortals.

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by bman

What happens when you're 80 ?

What happens when I'm 80 is...what happens.

There are lots of old people with adult kids who still end up all alone in nursing homes. There are old people whose kids predeceased them, or are in jail, or live too far away, or are too disabled to support them or make decisions.

Not having someone to take care of you when you're old is not a problem restricted to people who never had kids.

And I've seen old folks who did have kids, and those kids "took care" of them, and did so in an abusive way, or did so in ways that went against their parents' wishes, or that otherwise made their last years harder and more stressful than they should have been.

So having kids because you're afraid to grow old alone, and believe that by having them you will also have a built-in caretaker in the future, is a lousy reason to have kids.

"Who will take care of you when you're old?" I know I'm going to have to take care of myself, when the time comes. That means I have to take care of myself--physically, financially, mentally--now. How I live my life today will have a big effect on what my life will be like when I'm 80, or 90 (or even in my 100s, as some of my relatives were).

There are a lot of old folks out there who live pretty much independently until the day they die, and never have to rely on the kids they did or didn't have. I've had plenty of examples among my friends and family.

[CroMagna]

And there are old people who still have to support their adult children and grandchildren.

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

However, not having kids and never having married are linked for me. After all, not wanting kids means that I've never had to choose men on the basis of their being stable, reliable, "good providers," or otherwise showing signs of being "good daddy material." That means I get to date all the fun, exciting, wayward "bad boy" types--and I do. I can take greater risks in relationships, I don't have any need to "tame" or "make over" my partners into something more acceptable. But as much as I've enjoyed the company of "bad boys," they are, more often than not, unsuitable marriage partners for one reason or other. Getting yourself legally hitched to someone who is financially reckless, a convicted felon, who has dangerous hobbies and no medical insurance, and/or is thumbing his nose at the IRS is stupid, no matter how much you love him.

That's so true. If you're not thinking about marriage, dating becomes fun. If you're setting a time limit to settle down and have kids, dating becomes a job.

[CroMagna]

I don't mind if you're under 35 and want to weigh in

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

And there are old people who still have to support their adult children and grandchildren.

Well, technically they don't have to.

I don't see the big issue about someone not wanting to have kids. I just don't understand why people take it so personally!

I am most likely going to have kids. Both are valid choices with pros and cons on each side. Why all the drama?!

[Susanna77]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

What happens when I'm 80 is...what happens.

There are lots of old people with adult kids who still end up all alone in nursing homes. There are old people whose kids predeceased them, or are in jail, or live too far away, or are too disabled to support them or make decisions.

Not having someone to take care of you when you're old is not a problem restricted to people who never had kids.

And I've seen old folks who did have kids, and those kids "took care" of them, and did so in an abusive way, or did so in ways that went against their parents' wishes, or that otherwise made their last years harder and more stressful than they should have been.

So having kids because you're afraid to grow old alone, and believe that by having them you will also have a built-in caretaker in the future, is a lousy reason to have kids.

"Who will take care of you when you're old?" I know I'm going to have to take care of myself, when the time comes. That means I have to take care of myself--physically, financially, mentally--now. How I live my life today will have a big effect on what my life will be like when I'm 80, or 90 (or even in my 100s, as some of my relatives were).

There are a lot of old folks out there who live pretty much independently until the day they die, and never have to rely on the kids they did or didn't have. I've had plenty of examples among my friends and family.

CONFESSION: My mum moved in with husband and I after my dad died. She is physically and mentally able (at 71) but couldn't face living in the house by herself. Anyway, so I don't have children but have my mother with me. I love her, she's my mum but it's a very difficult and awkward situation at the best of times. She tells me she feels at home, which is good. But it's not easy.

What I want to say is I'd NEVER EVER EVER have kids so that I could live with them in my old age. I hate - no I DREAD - loneliness but I would NOT have the guts to have children so they could look after me in old age. I'm an only child and only one close blood cousin, but I can't use that as an excuse to have babies.

Again, I love my mum but I chose not to have kids for freedom and I still have to divide my every day between two people: husband and mother.

[bluemoon]

Originally Posted by bman

When you change your mind, hope you're not too late.

I am not saying it's wrong, but... sometimes we don't really know what we want, and it might be too late when we finally decided.

Some people just need time to finally decide what they really want.

My advice is don't take too long.

Life is short. We are not immortals.

For the record, I was responding to the OP after my first quip about life insurance.

Also, it seems pretty presumptuous to assume I'll come around to having children (or that I don't ever want them). Do *you* have children? In general, I feel that they're are a pretty risky investment if that's what you're relying on in your old age. Even in these troubled times, I'll stick with my 401K.

Some of my favorite and most accomplished family members never married and/or had children. I have great aunts who've traveled the world, own their own homes, and have a great network of friends and family to fall back on as they coast gracefully into their 70s and 80s. Yet my grandmother on my other side lives in a home and would have no one if my mom, who works full time and can't devote a whole lot of time, didn't take care of her (and she has two children and five grand children). I visit her when I can, but I live almost two hours away, and I'm the only grandchild who does regularly.