Losing Myself

[HighlyConfused]

I am writing this at a time in my life which feels like rock bottom. If thist post seems like a horribly structured ramble about various issues with my life, that's because that's what it is. I have lost my understanding of who or what I am - I'm experiencing some sort of detachment from my ego (which I now just view as a defense mechanism that keeps the deeper "me" - whatever the ************ "me" is - from seeing reality in order to avoid facing the pain of my own flaws) as well as a loss in my belief that I can overcome any challenge life throws atg me. I am highly stressed, I think, but I'm not in touch with it. I have set very high goals for myself, which... previously I would say "I am capable of accomplishing these goals, it just might require overcoming these emotional blocks," but I now don't know if I can overcome them. I imagine the consequences if I don't live up to my potential and it scares me. Normally my mental chatter is positive, and I can view everything I'm saying right now from the perspective of "these are negative thoughts; they'll hold true if I keep them in my mind not because they're objectively true but because I believe them." I "know" all the answers, which is even more burdensome because I don't apply them and constantly live with the guilt that I'm not being all I can be. What's worse is that I don't know if I'm trying enough or if I should be trying more; if I come to a conclusion such as "this is how I am, it's my nature, and while I may not like these aspects of myself, there's no point feeling bad about being born the way I was... all that matters is if I want to choose to change or not", I question if I'm taking FULL responsibility for being and feeling how I am.

This is really abstract, I realize, but what it comes down to is I feel like I'm failing and that "tougnening up" and accepting the reality of the situation while summening up the courage to change my future is simply not enough right now. I've only been sleeping lately about five hours per night, which has made matters worse - my motivation for activities I normally am extremely motivated about has been low as a result, and I haven't been maintaining the daily exercise which was once an important part of my life. I don't know how to meet more people who see life in a similar way I do, while at the same time I don't know how to feel connected with people who see life differently. I not only feel lonely, but I feel as though I can't rely on myself anymore and willpower alone will not take me through what I need.

I may have felt this way lately, and it has been building up on me lately, but what brought this to this level was a situation in which I ended up in a street fight and essentially froze up - not only was I (dangerously) not in the moment, but I didn't use any of my combat training which I practice frequently. It's not that I can't do it or use it in real world situations, just that my reaction to that event seems like a metaphor for my life as a whole right now - I feel disconnected, out of the moment, and out of control. I have tremendous potential but I'm not using it and can't figure out why. If it's becuase I'm afraid of committing, why is that? What can I do to overcome that fear and allow myself to truly see the fear for what it is? What if I'm lazy? What if I know the answers to all these thoughts, and have for a while, yet still haven't seen significant changes in my daily life? How do I handle that? If blame and guilt are ineffectual, what is an effective change-inducing method of making myself a better person?

If I don't figure things out shortly, my life will fail miserably. Maybe I'll get back up from that failure, which will take several years, or maybe I will die a failure. If I figure this stuff out, I will seize the opportunities in front of me with the best of my ability and aside from becoming the best version of myself I can be, I will become financially independent and have the choice to live my life however I see fit. Six months ago, as I outlined my future and put myself in the position of amazing opportunity I'm in now, I figured that I would be able to overcome any mental barriers. Now I'm scared because I can't even get more than five hours of sleep per night and not be constantly stuck in a state of fatigue; furthermore, the actual reality of all the challenges I have set out for myself are far more overwhelming than I imagined. I can't give up, but I can't stay at this level of consciousness. I have lost my ability to stay in the moment. I have so much anxiety and feel so depleted from fatigue at the end of the day that I can't meditate or relax or exercise.

I recently turned 18 and now is the time when I rise to the occasion or join the averagre club. Since I now see most thoughts which I posessed which were based around the belief that I was above the average club as egotistical defense mechanism which keep me from confronting and dealing with the pain necessary to change, I don't know how to maintain my self confidence. I feel horribly detathed and as though life is living me.

There may be no point to this... but any help or suggestions would be useful.

[The Probabilist]

Some initial thoughts that arose when I had a quick read through:

1) Life doesn't throw challenges at you. You should throw them out at life. This is actually already happening (you're attracting what you're thinking about), but you're in the belief that the flow is the other way around and that's giving you poor results.

2) You mentioned guilt of not being what you know you have the potential of being. That's a big, big worry you need to drop down from your shoulders. You may find something useful in my article about Caring and Worrying. What you're looking for is at the end of it.

3) There are quite a few of us here sleeping 2 hours per day and feeling great from it. So that's another imaginative burden you're carrying.

4) Those who fail the most usually have the least feeling of being failures. Those who fail the least may more often see themselves as failures. This seems to be your case too. Procrastination is ugly both the way it sounds and the way it influences people. Steve's got lots of articles on this issue because I see he shares the same view.

[Michelle]

To me it sounds like you need a big hug. *hug*

It also sounds to me like you are in a period of transition - perhaps even a crisis - which part of you is resisting.

You are being awfully hard on yourself. Why is that? The more understanding you are with yourself through all of this, the easier things will be.

One things I have noticed in my own development is: The more compassion I have been able to develop for myself, the more I have for others and the more I am able to get done in the world.

We learn the most from these great periods of distress. There is light at the end of the tunnel for you - I know this! I felt very similar when I was your age (I am now 28). You may want to look for some good guidance to help you sort out your feelings and thoughts. This benefited me tremendously (some kind of psychotherapy or analysis) and is still a bi-monthly ritual in my life. Use intuition and intention setting to find the right guide for you.

Let us know how you progress!

[Lychee]

We've all had moments where we feel out of tune with our true selves. Realize that before you did not feel this way. The first thing to accept is that this part of your life will pass - and it will certainly pass if you do not succumb to the defeatist attitude.

Remove your identity from how you are feeling and observe your behavior and emotions as an outsider would. You are depressed, and mentally and emotionally stressed out. No one can make decisions rationally this way. The questions you are asking yourself about your fear and your potential are good, but are putting even more pressure in your fragile state. Be easy on yourself.

I think you need to find something to hold on to and to affirm your success. What you are feeling right now may be the transition to a higher level of consciousness. The mother goes through a lot of pain during childbirth to finally feel joy at the sight of her new baby. We also go through the process of pain before we can grow and see the rewards of our efforts.

[AndyMartin]

Originally Posted by HighlyConfused

I recently turned 18 and now is the time when I rise to the occasion or join the averagre club. Since I now see most thoughts which I posessed which were based around the belief that I was above the average club as egotistical defense mechanism which keep me from confronting and dealing with the pain necessary to change, I don't know how to maintain my self confidence. I feel horribly detathed and as though life is living me.

You have no idea how wrong you are. At 18, you are barely sticking your toes in the water. And that's a good thing. Let that realization free you from needing to prove yourself above average what you take some time to figure out what's really important. I guarantee you when you find it, it won't include the words "above average."

You're in a period of transition as Michelle said; one of the biggest you'll go through: passing from childhood to adulthood. The child in you is dying and the adult has not come out fully-formed, so you grieve the loss and you fear the unknown. That's normal. But you can't expect the adult you to come out fully-formed at 18. Let yourself grow up one day at a time; that's how it's going to happen anyway, so stop fighting it.

But don't dwell on it either. Dwelling on it is what turns it into a problem, causing loss of sleep, leading to physical symptoms, etc. The emotional decision you make -- that is, which emotions you're going to carry and which you're going to discard -- will determine how and how quickly you get through this. But remember, thinking, "I'm not going to think about X," is still thinking about X. You have to allow things to be as they are. You have to allow yourself to be as you are. You have to allow yourself to be scared, allow yourself to make mistakes, to fail, to succeed. Let things be as they are.

Anxiety is a mental feedback loop. It means you are churning the same thoughts over and over in your head, and there's no way out so it winds tighter and tighter, faster and faster. And that spiral goes downward, and part of that is because it doesn't leave room for the things that would help break it up and mitigate the negative effects; things like exercise, meditation, socializing and sleep. If nothing else, they will increase your tolerance for what you're going through. Do them.

The hardest part of breaking that cycle is making the decision. Once you make that decision, the rest will come. The fact that you're noticing this and asking people about it is a great first step. Next, figure out what you need to summon within yourself in order to make the decision to break out of the feedback loop.

And then be sure to write back and tell us how great everything worked out, because it will!

Good luck!
Andy