abortion

[missing]

no... not of a fetus. I mean of a consciousness. Ever just wish you could erase yourself from existence? Killing yourself doesn't do the trick because you live on in the memories of others, and that pisses me off. Likewise, who knows where you end up after this. Last thing I want is to ruin my "progress" this time around and get re-incarnated into an even sh*ttier situation (which I'll probably just have to kill myself again in a nice fat etheric negative feedback loop). Don't worry, I probably won't kill myself unless I'm in excruciating pain or facing some kind of horrible disease. A bigger fear is that my immediate family that is attached to me (I mean attached, different from love) will somehow not leave me alone even in the afterlife. Which is why suicide is a lousy answer. I need something more powerful, but what?

I remember reading a blog entry by Erin where she said you can erase yourself from existance. She started to try it but felt horrible and stopped. Sounds good to me minus the whole "feeling horrible" bit. Really, what I need is to have never existed, which by it's very definition is impossible. I don't know, everything about existence just seems really stupid to me right now. The intensity of the feeling will probably pass when I'm feeling less physically sh*tty (my sleep patterns are messed up right now), but it's always lingering in the background. Everything I feel is worth doing here on earth, things that would make life here bearable, are so blocked right now that it's not worth expending any energy to pursue them. So what the hell is left? Wait it out and hope I don't get a horribly painful disease (though that's a good excuse to off myself). Blah.

I don't know if there is any good response to this, I'm mostly just venting. This is the forum for "escaping the pit of despair", is it not? All I know is that if I were God and designed human life, I'd put in an ejection seat.