no... not of a fetus. I mean of a consciousness. Ever just wish you could erase yourself from existence? Killing yourself doesn't do the trick because you live on in the memories of others, and that pisses me off. Likewise, who knows where you end up after this. Last thing I want is to ruin my "progress" this time around and get re-incarnated into an even sh*ttier situation (which I'll probably just have to kill myself again in a nice fat etheric negative feedback loop). Don't worry, I probably won't kill myself unless I'm in excruciating pain or facing some kind of horrible disease. A bigger fear is that my immediate family that is attached to me (I mean attached, different from love) will somehow not leave me alone even in the afterlife. Which is why suicide is a lousy answer. I need something more powerful, but what?
I remember reading a blog entry by Erin where she said you can erase yourself from existance. She started to try it but felt horrible and stopped. Sounds good to me minus the whole "feeling horrible" bit. Really, what I need is to have never existed, which by it's very definition is impossible. I don't know, everything about existence just seems really stupid to me right now. The intensity of the feeling will probably pass when I'm feeling less physically sh*tty (my sleep patterns are messed up right now), but it's always lingering in the background. Everything I feel is worth doing here on earth, things that would make life here bearable, are so blocked right now that it's not worth expending any energy to pursue them. So what the hell is left? Wait it out and hope I don't get a horribly painful disease (though that's a good excuse to off myself). Blah.
I don't know if there is any good response to this, I'm mostly just venting. This is the forum for "escaping the pit of despair", is it not? :D All I know is that if I were God and designed human life, I'd put in an ejection seat.
According to Sigmund Freud (and many others), all humans have a sort of "death drive". This drive is probably what gave rise to the concept of Nirvana in Buddhism. Your wish to erase yourself probably isn't such a bad thing, unless you actually start having real suicidal thoughts. If you do, it's best to talk to someone about it.
One way to at least create the illusion of "erasing yourself" is through meditation. Stop your flow of consciousness for while.
I felt very sad when I read your post
so first I am giving you a >hug<
you might like this quote :
"If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair.
But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation."-Helen Keller
"A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships."-
trust me you are not alone in your thoughts I have had similar thoughts
and they -the thoughts-try their best to bring me down daily
but I read this and I feel lighter
"This being Human is a guest house.
Every moment a new arrival,
a joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all,
even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of all its furniture.
Still treat each guest honorably,
they many be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
open the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
for each has been sent as a guide from beyond."-Mevlana Celaleddin Rumi
Trust me, I know how you feel. Been there. But you are on the right track, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this page.
I now life might seem all dark and it's seems that there is no light at the end. ( had to say it :) ). Trust me your experience is an illusion, that you learned yourself to accept. You are able to experience life from a complitelly diferent perspective. Follow your instints and don't take anything for granted. Embrace your depressions and be willing to learn. Take, what feels right and don't dwell on the things that don't. Life is not that serious, infact it isn't serious at all. You come to the point, when you find reason to laugh and smile at just about anything.
At this point of my life, I can see that comonlly. I still walk around with a bag on my head most of the time, though. But it is exciting, to know, that there is more, that I still don't understand.
There is a way out if you want it and you believe there is a way out.
I live in some difficult to overcome circumstances but they are better than they were a couple of years ago and they will continue to improve. I am changing things in my life by changing my thoughts and believing that things are different than I perceive them.
The first step for me was believing that it was possible for life to be as I wanted it. That was the most difficult step of all. from there on out it is a matter of redirecting my thoughts each and every time doubt and anxiety (which have been my lifelong norm) creep in. I redirect my thoughts to knowing how I want my life and acting as if and behaving and believing that it is so.
I out of deep, clinical depression and almost completely overcome General Anxiety disorder. That is remarkable considering where I was 6 years ago. But right now I am deep in debt without an income but I refuse to give into fear but rather see myself as being successfully employed able to afford the lfestyle I want and having work that I love. That is what I see and will experience soon enough.
What is your ideal life going forward? Why not detail it and envision it?
let me tell you a tale
On a bright sunny Sunday afternoon, many many years ago, Miia smoked pot for the very first time in her life. It was funny at first, but then suddenly she got this feeling. It was a cold, shocking feeling that came from the sudden realization that she doesn`t exist. She started crying, she had never felt anything so sad. It was horrible. No one knew her, no one remembered her. She cried and cried and cried. And then she started eating tomatoes and everything fell into place again. p.s. those were the best tomatoes she had ever eaten:p
Till this day (it was a looong time ago) I remember that feeling. It`s almost indescribable. IT DID NOT FEEL GOOD! You may feel that life is **** right now, but trust me, it`s better than knowing/believing you don`t exist. Try to think about positive things in your life, the people you like/love, the people who inspire you. Notice the good...someone suggested meditating, I think that is a very good idea. Get your mind empty for a while. Watch a good movie or cartoon (I watched a Japanese cartoon "Spirited Away" yesterday, it was really beautiful&interesting&fun, I suggest it:p). Eat ice cream. If you live in a cold climate then go tanning, light&warmth can cure almost anything. Just force yourself to do something "positive", it will get easier and easier from there on I think. Even if you don`t believe it will help at first.
just letting people know that I've read the replies, but have simply not been feeling up to responding. The wish to annihilate oneself and all vestiges remain as pervasive as ever, though I'm considering ways I can channel them into usefulness. The strange thing is that I do have a strong interest in existence, just an extreme disinterest in my own life in the here and now. I find it stupid and annoying. My "dream" I suppose you could call it, is to be a filmmaker, and normally when I get depressed it's because I see all the logistics that would be very difficult, if not impossible for me to overcome while pursuing such a task. The desire though is pervasive enough that I have to believe it somehow fits into whatever my "life purpose" is. I have to hope that I'm not here to live a "life". I'd much rather sit back and observe, and somehow convey my observations to others. My interest in film probably stems from a desire to control a world to my own liking; to create something that makes sense to me. Perhaps it will make sense to somebody else as well, in a way nothing else has. Which would be nice but hardly something one could count on. I have enough problems communicating and relating to others "conventionally", only an ineffable form of artistic expression would satisfy me.
I doubt this is making much sense but it's 4am and I have a severe sleeping disorder. Anyway, reading the responses here has given me a few ideas, but the disinterest in living my life remains strong, but perversely so does my interest in this world. I find it fascinating in a twisted way, how messed up we are; it's like rubber necking a bad accident. You know you probably shouldn't watch, but you can't help it. Yea, that's the bright happy place I'm coming from. ;p I suppose I have a tangible goal/dream and that's something, right? My concern is that the attainability of that goal will slip away and I will be left more hopeless than ever, as I'm really not interested in pursuing anything else. I really don't care to "overcome challenges" or "learn lessons" do whatever it is people claim is so damn important about life on earth. If that happens along the way, great, but I have no interest in doing it for it's own sake. My only explanation why is that I'm simply "not feeling it". But so long as nothing serious gets shoved in my way, I can still enjoy the show, I suppose, and dream an unlikely dream till I get taken out of this place.
Wow. Just wow.
What's it like at the pit of despair anyways? Is the weather nice?
Sorry, I'm doing small talk because you have me at a bit of a disadvantage. There is nothing that anyone can give you that would help you out of your hole.
I could go on about how life is nothing more than awareness and experience. Perhaps throw in something about not really owning anything at all, because you aren't really you. I could even mention something about egoic views and negativity, and how they go hand in hand.
I dunno, it's just not worth the effort really is it? (and it really wouldn't take much effort at all. ;))
I think the only thing I could ask is: If it's so painful, why are you still here? I mean, someone in your position would either just remove themselves from the world, or make the choice not to and work on getting out of the pit. You seem to enjoy being that deep in the pit, and staying there. Why?!?
If you do, then I would say that's an answer to at least the question I asked: Who, or what, exactly, is going to do the taking? So, there's one question answered! If not us, then certainly someone outside of you, right? Maybe Not You can solve your problems, but You are the one person who won't be coming up with answers that work for you?
Does that sound about right?
It's not a case of whether you can or not, it's a simple choice of whether you try or not. If you don't try, you stay in the pit, forever. That's it. If you want out of the pit, even if you don't know if it's possible or not, then you just keep trying, no matter what. It can be hard, it can take ages, it can be stressful and not seem like it's worth it, and it can feel impossible. But it doesn't matter, because if you don't try, you will never get out. If you do try, you might. I would say probably, but it's life, funny things happen in life. So if you resolve to try, then at least you have a chance.
To get out of it though, it starts with small victories, and small pleasures in order to build hope. Start with what you enjoy, and just take pleasure in enjoying it, and don't worry about the guilt that's built up over time. Do something small, and take pride in it. Move forward in tiny steps and start bringing back power into your life. The pit is defined by hopelessness and despair. You can evaporate these with hope and enjoyment, but it takes time. It can feel like a huge morass of negative emotions at first, but over time the cracks will appear and the light will show. Then after you continue to do it, you will see the way out for yourself. You will create your own ladder.
The reason why I say "Why do you enjoy being in the pit?" is purely because you must be getting something out of it, otherwise you wouldn't fight so much for it.
For the sake of the argument, what are our options?
1. Move forward.
All I know is that each challenge we face is necessary to make us stronger at the same time we can share our knowledge of overcoming such despair in order to help others move forward.
In a realist point of view, "ok this is reality, now what can I do?"
Realist answer "Move on or give up."
Only you can make the responsible choice. :D
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