Trying to end a friendship without severing mutual friends

[Gringogidget]

Hi, I am new here.
I wonder if anyone's watching!

Here goes (not wanting to complain, but asking for sincere help):

I am in a close-knit set of 20 or so friends, the majority of us are coupled/married. There is a severely passive aggressive woman who I feel circumstantially forced to be friends with. My partner and her husband are good friends.

-Every time I mention our European trip coming in September, she'll counteract with how horrible it is to have no money as a new home owner. Everything is "so hard" and I wouldn't understand "how hard" it is to be in her situation. Her husband makes 100k and she makes 45k, they both split their bills down the middle. Her husband doesn't trust her to tell her the password to their alarm system, the computer server (shared), and hides his pin number when entering it at the ABM.

-She's been a production graphic designer for 10 years and has no intention to move up in her career, which is find with me. However, she has no intentions to change, but complains all the time about money and hating her job. She scoffs at my greeting cards or invitations. She says, "you just don't -know- design, you don't know how hard it is to be a designer". She literally asks me to compliment her work, but would never ever compliment mine..

-Everything I seem to say is racist! "Chinese checkers" and "Chinese water torture" are racist. She refers to a childhood past of racism to defend her over-sensitivity.

-Lastly, she once told me she was physically abused by her mother and its "okay" now. She refers to this as a security blanket, so how can it be "okay"?

I suppose I could go on forever. My point here is that I really want out of this relationship, but I am terrified of our mutual friends trying to separate us from each other in group settings. I don't want to hurt or divide our other dear friends!

[Khristine]

Very difficult situation to be in. I wouldn't say that it's what your group of friends might think or do, it's more that your partner and her husband are good friends. It would most likely put a strain on their relationship if you were to try and get out of this "friendship".

I'm sure that it is easier to avoid this person when you are in a larger group of your friends, but when it's only the 4 of you... Sometimes asking the right question at the right time can help with the complaining. For example when she says "how horrible it is to have no money as a new home owner" you might say (pretending you didn't quite hear what she said correctly) "It's horrible owning your beautiful new home?" It might through her off a bit.

Or when she says, "Everything is "so hard" and I wouldn't understand "how hard" it is to be in her situation." you might say.."And thank God I'm not or we wouldn't be going to Europe."

I'm probably coming off a bit (ok a lot) sarcastic but I don't like putting up with constant complainer's. And I too would much rather end this type of relationship - however sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Due to circumstances beyond our control (your partner friends with her husband) we have to make due.

I know it's not what you were hoping to hear.....anyone else? We need options here.

[Hsiang-Lin]

I just read this thread and I'm not in a particularly good mood with regards to people relationships right now so I don't want to write anything harmful. I actually wrote up a post, but I'm deleting it because it's too sarcastic and prob. what I would do if I were in your position. It's good though that you're conscious about this problem. It is very tough indeed and I would def. not like to be in that position.

[C33]

My 2 cents here:

Why don t you refer this person to a "specialist", telling her you care a lot about her but she is being so negative that it looks like she needs some professional help sorting out her feelings. It is a caring way to get rid of someone because it gets her off your back without being callous. You are not saying you don t care, you are saying you do care but it is not your responsibility to be her negativity dump.

She can t really complain to your friends about you being insensitive because you did try to offer help: you gave her advice.

If she gets upset, just tell her over and over that you do care and you want the best for her, but that she needs to share her frustration with "trained" ears. Use the broken record technique: repeat the same thing over and over: I care about you and this is why I am suggesting you talk with someone who can really assist you.

Hope this is helful: I can also suggest a book Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein

[Lauxa]

Sometimes you have to deal with people you don't particularly like. It can be difficult to show kindness and compassion while setting your personal boundaries. If she starts to play the poor me game you could call her on it and say you find negativity so draining and prefer to focus on the positive. You could try telling her about the law of attraction and see if you can't get her to talk about her dreams instead. Think of it as a game. If she does cry on your shoulder and you give her sympathy, try asking for something in return.

Also try to make a list of things you like or admire about this person. There is a woman I can hardly stand who is a good friend of my sister. I came up with that she is smart, she has a good sense for fashion, and she knows how to cut loose and have fun. Try to bring out these attributes in her when you are forced to socialize.

Try to think of ways to limit your exposure. Maybe people will have nmore ideas for you on this if you post more specifics on how often and in what circumstances the two of you socialize.

Good luck!

[viola]

As it is an individual decision and as I don't really know you, it is hard to 'give' advice. I just know that personally I couldn't 'put up' (and it sounds as that is what you are doing) with anyone 'treating' me like this, making me miserable but worst of all, take away my energy.

Friendship or not, 'your friend' sounds VERY unhappy within, with herself and the world. She tries to make you 'suffer' with her, maybe even because she is suffering herself.

It be interesting to hear what you decide to do.

I wish you well

[Isis Kali]

Don't go out of your way to do anything that feels unnatural. Be cordial, and no more than that. If she starts up with her bitching and moaning, change the subject. I also like Khristine's replies- they'll make her think, while at the same time keeping you from looking like a jerk.

[Royce_aus]

I am young an inexperienced but after reading that post it sounds like a typical day in kindergarten.
Perhaps try giving a wink or a smile and just not saying anything,
if you can't say anything nice well I'm sure you know the rest

ps i wasn't being sarcastic i sometimes don't want to talk to people who are talking to me so i'll just smile. they normally think i'm weird or simply call me weird and move on to something else.

[John Hill]

Interesting post. I think the best thing you can do is be yourself, you don't need to do anything more than that. Of course you already know that being rude to her is not the answer but you don't owe this person anything. If it comes down to it you may even be doing her a favor by telling her she makes you feel uncomfortable when she constantly complains to you. I'm betting your other mutual "friends" probably feel the same way about her.

I wrote a relevant post on my website called "Is it Worth Complaining", the link is below.

John

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Now bear with me here: I'm bucking the trend here!

You are having problems with this "friend", because she's always complaining. Some of my rules of thiumb:

• Everyone reflects back to us what we put out.
• There are no coincidences
• Everything in our life is there for a reason

So rather than focussing on your friend's faults, consider your contribution to the situation. It's worthwhile asking yourself what it is that you are doing to attract this person into your life.

This is confronting to us, and it can be tough to turn our thinking around on it, but it is worth doing. Taking the other advice from this thread may be part of the change you need to be making to yourself, but surface-only changes are insulting to yourself and her. It may be worthwhile for you to think more deeply about this.

I say this because I now regret the times I've split with irritating friends, because I now realise I could have learnt so much from them. It's not the people you get on with easily that you learn from - it's the ones that irritate you. When you've dealt with your own internal reasons for her behaviour (or your reaction to it) her behaviour will change, she will no longer find you attractive to complain to, or it won't bother you.

So short answer - look within you.

Good luck and joy to you
Hazel

[Royce_aus]

Wow hazel that sounds like a really good idea (scuse the pun )
I love how these forums really bring out some great insights and with posts like that, this will quickly become an archive of useful information.
i wonder if that's what's intended...

[Eli]

If U have ever prayed for patience and the ability to forgive, then this is your chance to do so. The thing for U to do is absolutely nothing. As if you could not move a musle. go on as you have and enjoy your friends completely. U will chage from within. try it. Peace. Eli

[Lynn 007]

Interesting thread and advice.

I had a similar situation a number of years ago with my husbands friend and his wife. Although not a complainer, she was very controlling , malicious and not the best at telling the truth.

After discussing with my husband, I spoke with her and explained her traits are not something I value in friends and cannot see myself spending my time with her on a 1-1 basis or even the four of us. I am unable to be myself around her as I didn't trust her and provided her with examples. I advised her I want her and her hubby to be happy but I would see her at group get togethers only.

That happend over 20 years ago. My husband and her husband still get together on a regular basis and on occasion the three of us will go out. l see her a few times at year at group get togethers and the cottage for the girl's weekend. I'm still on guard when I see her and always try to keep conversations light.