|01-19-2009, 08:50 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2008
ive known for some time that im not at peace with my sexuality.
its always landed me in trouble.as a teenager and even a kid i had many incidents of molestation.i feel my innocence was destroyed and got warped along the way.im from india and out here the rules are pretty archaic.girls don do this and girls don do that.a lot of branding goes on.and i think as a kid i enjoyed the labels.and even encouraged them.school time was so mixed up.there was a constant rejection(from the authority figures) with a lot of 'bad girl''sexy girl''c**k tease' labeling (from the peers) tho the truth is that i lost my virginity at 18.
i was using the attention for 'something' i dont know maybe like a power tool.i have got aware of this and i want out of this damn guilt trip i keep putting myself into.
it was as if i was a walking sex magnet.
this shi* had taken over my life i even quit my fledgling career because the boss fell in love with me.and a colleague was asking my hand in marriage!
and theres a lot of value put into virginity in the 'marriage market'(yeah its like we people,esp girls are born with only one purpose in life)
i was brain washed into marrying the person i first had sex with because..well..'who else wud want to marry a whore?' (this from one of my aunts)
those 3 years were a horrible time.cos id lost my dad in an accident.dropped outa college.went into a relationship 'looking for dad' joined work and dropped out because of the boss.gotten into a religious trip in order to be a 'good girl'.had an abortion at 18.and to top the heap was getting married 'because ..who else will?'
n then marriage..or id like to call it the rehab.bloody people think its the solution for EVERY problem!!on second thought why blame the bloody people?i thought it wud be a solution to my 'rampant sexuality' din i?
tame the whorish tendencies =..(
(oh god ! im jus reading what im writing and these are the names ive been calling myself! no baby tintin i love you and we don have to believe that anymore do we?)
the reason that i am able to look at this today is because my partner is so free with his feelings and sexuality.and wants me to express my own.i guess it gets frustrating for him.when i freeze midway and the inner chatter starts.because..again this is a relationship outside my marriage.again..a taboo.again a 'bad girl' thing.
the irony of it is that i got married because i wanted a 'till-death-do-us-part' 'one-woman-man' belief and its the man i married whos been cheating(another loaded word)my carefully built house of cards got busted!
foof! cant go on any more.
"i am the earth..and i am the moon
i am heaven and in me is hell
i am the sinner and i grant the pardon
i am the light and im the eclipse
in me lies mercy and i am the punisher
i am peace and i plot wars
im lightning and im the rain"
|01-20-2009, 06:58 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
even in the USA if you sleep with too many guys you are still labeled a slut by some people -not all
it's a terrible word
I wish it was never invented
I hope you are saying you want out of the marriage and not life ?
|01-20-2009, 08:59 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2008
the irony like i said is that i never slept with multiple partners.the guy i married was the 1st guy i slept with we were dating for atleast 2 yrs.
it was more of the image that i projected.cos i guess i was very open n flirtatious.
cheating is a loaded word for me.loyalty is an absolute prerequisite.
but now i wonder...am i laying unnecessary emphasis on it?
i understan when steve says that its coming from scarcity.yes it is.
im learning everyday about loving in my present relp.
just being able to trust to bare yourself and be vulnerable.theres no suppression of feelings and thoughts or fear of rejection.if they come they come.we play it out.and get closer and deeper in love.its so scary cos it changes constantly.every other day it shifts into another gear and as a result we gotta let go of the limitations and recordings.become a little lighter.
but after nearly 14 years of marriage and dulling myself to fit into a conventional role just so i could somehow 'fit in' has taken a heavy toll on my self esteem. so burdensome to be politically correct and miss propah.the price of the swap was extremely high. 'me' got swapped with an 'impostor'
and so 15 odd years down the line here i am again.i need to get over the labeling.the pointing fingers.i seem to be better equipped now cos i see the labelers as leading 'impostor' lives themselves.it threatens their house of cards.tho i don mean any disrespect.to each his own.
muahaha oh god i feel so good! am i wrecking peoples carefully crafted pictures of the 'ideal-done thing'?*brat kicking sand castles*
or am i deluding myself?is there no escape from these chains ive put on myself.have i completely lost all sense of right n wrong?moral immoral?
on second thought why do i need to be a victim again? havent i had enough of that??can i not have my cake n eat it too?
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