Beyond Scared

[The Cloud]

I think I'm beginning to understand the real emotional cost of "letting go" of myself. The last couple of days I've been feeling this frustrated angry feeling, with undertones of sadness and terror. I think that it's due to my realization that I have no problems, because I keep trying to have a problem with the situation and find myself unable to do so.

I think the anger is a last-ditch attempt to cover up the fear and sadness, because they are so strong and have lain dormant for so long. I sometimes get an inkling of these feelings, and they remind me of a dream I had a while back. The contents of the dream aren't important (well, not directly relevant), but experience is. I had a feeling of such strong terror and sadness in this dream that I woke up because I was shaking the entire bed. It was indescribable emotional pain.

In the dream it wasn't "me" feeling the emotion, but I think the intensity is similar to what my anger is covering up. Every time I get close to it, my mind reflexively retracts like a hand away from a hot stove. It's hardly even a conscious action. I feel as if when I finally allow myself to touch it, I'm going to scream or have a seizure or something equally intense. If this is what's inside everybody, it's no wonder that people are so out of touch with themselves. I'm scared, I really am. I'm really, really afraid, so much so that I can hardly even allow myself to feel it. Please help me, I don't know how, or what, but I could really use somebody right now.

[Angela]

The Cloud, I am with you and I am sending you love.

Tell more about what you're feeling -- if you could tell me in one or two words what you are afraid of, how would you put it?

Are you ok, right now?

[straysweeper]

The Cloud, I too shall send some energy to you. Like a reverse spirit bomb from Dragon Ball Z. (Steve's Star Trek thing inspired me)

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Angela

The Cloud, I am with you and I am sending you love.

Thanks

Originally Posted by Angela

Tell more about what you're feeling -- if you could tell me in one or two words what you are afraid of, how would you put it?

Connection. I'm afraid to really be connected to anyone or anything, because to be connected to anything is to be connected to everything is to be connected to this fear.

Originally Posted by Angela

Are you ok, right now?

Yeah, I couldn't hate right now if I tried, because I am trying. I'm trying so hard, and I can't make this passive acceptance go away. I can't make things not ok, and it's driving me crazy, which is still ok.

I'm not really trying to fix things, but I am, if that makes any sense. It's like things happen, and things get better, and yet everything is always eternally the same and can never be changed in a real way. There is a part of me that is the changing part, but it's not really me, I don't feel connected to it, nothing really changes and I don't feel connected to the change.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Thanks
Connection.
I'm afraid to really be connected to anyone

May you find someone to guide you, so any fears you can heal and,
as is your birthright, you once again enjoy... living joyfully-connected.
.

[tintin]

i go thru what youve described now and again cloud its almost like a cycle.what appears to be apathy/diconnectedness to me i have found that my subconscious is processing something.
its changing.
i am changing.
(this is ofcourse after coming outa it)
why am i unaware of the processing?consciously?cos its a little change happening on the inside.
the task is huge and very intense.so a little at a time.
metamorphosis is painful in a way.letting go of knowns is uncomfortable.
if we ask steve..about him going poly he says it took him years to decide.m be he went thru this process.little by little.somethings working away at your beliefs in order to make you ready for the new evolved you
and that something i feel, is a decision at the soul level of deciding to shift..grow..metamorphosize
a quicker way to go thru this might be to really be with it go in and not try to alleviate it.head on.face off.
no?

[m18pak]

The Cloud, what you've described fascinates me. I have to admit though that I have no frame of reference for what you're talking about.
Can you please elaborate a little more on what you're feeling? For example, when you get up in the morning, what goes through your head? When you actually think about it, how do you feel and what do you think?
What factors do you think have caused this? Have you made any changes in your life recently? I remember you saying that you were switching to polyphasic sleep. How did that work out?

[RRR]

Oneness. The connection is. The fear is. You are.

Be.

Much Love,

RRR

[SimonaRich]

What are you scared of? Why would you try to create fear out of nothing? Don't concentrate on things that make you upset and only think about positive things. Meditate to get rid of negative feelings.

[dancer]

Cloud,

What if this terror/fear you are sensing is really joy? How do you really know it is something to be afraid of? Is it because of your dream, thoughts or do you just know?

I recently observed an emotion, which I could not differentiate between fear and excitement. This emotion was not triggered from an external event.
The experience made me question if excitement and fear are the very same emotion except the experience depends on what state we are in and how we label what we are feeling. How was it possible that I could consciously switch between the two? And are we always able to determine what it is we are feeling without the mind labelling or creating a story?

Perhaps, my questions are hard to answer when you are smack in the fear, but something to consider when you feel safer.

Meanwhile, I send you love.

[The Cloud]

Sorry for my delay. It is just really scary actually trying to connect with people, and I refuse to allow myself to fall back into an academic analytical perspective with this thread. First of all, thanks for all the love, especially because it is extraordinarily hard to accept it.

By the way, details on the dream are here. You have to go to my second post to get the juicy details. Also, take all of my evaluations of good and evil with a grain of salt, as I wrote this about a year ago and had very much less understanding of it than I do now. The "good" girl would be more akin to somebody that was at peace with her place in existence, in spite of all the demons that haunt her. The ambivalent girl would be someone that sees only the demons, even when looking at the things that could be beautiful. It's hard to believe that it's been less than a year since I was talking in absolutes like good and evil. It was still an amazing dream.

Originally Posted by m18pak

Can you please elaborate a little more on what you're feeling?

Well, when I think about accepting love, I get this scared feeling inside. Or letting go of my judgments of things, or letting go of analysis of things I am seeing and hearing and sensing. Letting down all the shields that I use to keep the outside world outside.

Originally Posted by m18pak

For example, when you get up in the morning, what goes through your head?

When I got up today, mostly what I was thinking about was concealing that I was actually getting up at that time, since it was 6pm and I was ashamed that I'd slept through most of the day (although I went to bed at 11:30 am, so it wasn't an absurd amount of sleep). Then I wondered if I really cared, then I stopped caring and got up, and then I stopped thinking about it entirely.

Originally Posted by m18pak

When you actually think about it, how do you feel and what do you think?

But it's precisely how I feel and think that are becoming less important, and they don't seem to like it much. I know, it doesn't make sense that I would make a thread about fear and then say that the fear isn't important. I'm not saying that it's unimportant, either, it just is. Accepting that it is, without saying it's bad or good, is what is frightening. The fear is frightened of itself.

Originally Posted by m18pak

What factors do you think have caused this? Have you made any changes in your life recently? I remember you saying that you were switching to polyphasic sleep. How did that work out?

Polyphasic was a bust, since I couldn't even find enough things to fill a 16 hour day. What I think caused it is my realization that I don't want to solve any of my problems, and thus have no problems. I'm so used to all sorts of drama, that when it is removed there is a lot of backlash over the lack of things to be dramatic about. I discovered that the root of all problems is the problems themselves. Fear is itself, suffering is itself, depression is itself. They feed off themselves, but they were never really there in the first place, just like the problems. But that doesn't stop the illusion.

Originally Posted by SimonaRich

What are you scared of? Why would you try to create fear out of nothing? Don't concentrate on things that make you upset and only think about positive things. Meditate to get rid of negative feelings.

That's the issue, I'm not scared of anything. What is more frightening than fear without a basis to correct or to face? Spiders, heights, crowds; all these things can be found and faced. But how do you face fear itself, without the illusion of an object between it and yourself? All fears are created out of nothing, and nothing can't be faced or fled.

Originally Posted by dancer

What if this terror/fear you are sensing is really joy? How do you really know it is something to be afraid of?

There isn't anything to be afraid of, that's why I'm so afraid.

[straysweeper]

You say you are afraid to connect with others? In truth are you not always connected anyway, and are just needed to accept that connection? Fear isn't real, yet you fear, so then isn't you fearing a real thing? Perhaps thinking of fear in as you say absolutes, real or not real, there isn't room for the truth. That we are created, then we create the fear out of ignorance, and part of the journey is to become aware, and dissolve the fear. Not that it never existed in the first place, is like almost to say you never existed as the you that was frightened.

[CroMagna]

I don't think you're afraid to connect with others. After all, you're connecting with us, whether you've absorbed that fact or not. I'm not sure what you mean by "connecting" then. If you're polite, fair, and friendly didn't you make a sufficient connection? Do you have to feel madly in love with everyone?

I think sometimes you know what you truly want but you don't want to want it, so that movement from the hot stove is when you start analyzing and reanalyzing. Just RELAX, try things, have self-trust, allow yourself to make mistakes. Analyzing is obviously a strength of yours, so you need to pull up other fine features, like spontaneity.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

I don't think you're afraid to connect with others.

You're right, of course. I'm afraid to feel connected with others. I connect with them on a superficial basis of words, but I don't allow myself real emotional openness. Oh well. Hakuna Matata.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It is just really scary actually trying to connect with people

You are "connected/connecting" every instant of your life,
incldg. when you post here, and many people Kindly respond...

Originally Posted by The Cloud

There isn't anything to be afraid of, that's why I'm so afraid.

and that makes sense how?

[Lauxa]

Hey there The Cloud, I just thought of something from a little while back when I first started my negative affirmations experiment... which was a radical change to my thinking... my brain was having trouble grasping it and forming the new connections and my ego was having trouble letting go of the old.

It was like my ego was afraid that if I changed my thinking I wouldn't need it any more or maybe that I was killing it or disempowering it. But I would just reassure my ego that I still needed it, because I need my ego to let me know what to want. Because if the ego doesn't make that decision, who can make it? But that then it would need to relax and let go a bit so that we could work together to pursue those desires in the best way possible.

Are you listening to your ego enough to hear your desires?

Don't know if any of that is relevant for you. Sending lots of love, in any case.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by sk8joyful

and that makes sense how?

I think I get what The Cloud is describing. Eckhart pointed to this, I think it was in PoN. Just before ET's ego collapsed he experienced extreme fear. His advice was to face and be with the fear and it is then one goes through it. I don't know, I'm not there, but The Cloud's posts have been pointing to this for several months now.

[codesmith]

They say its best not to remember your dreams.

They also say fear is a delusion. When you evaluate the circumstances which bring up the emotion of fear, in most cases the rationality of the situation does not warrant the extent of fear felt.

So by example, sky-diving scares the bejesus out of me, but really if i evaluate the circumstance properly then the fear i have regarding skydiving is not really warranted.

Another say: courage is not being fearless, but conquering fear.

I am sure youre not a coward there buddy. Or are you?

Your signature says- "We must conquer ourselves, and allow our selves to conquer the world."

You had the answer all along. Conquer your emotions.

[AdamUK]

A Few years ago i dealt with severe anxiety over a few months and found it transformed to love over time, its strange how something so scary can change like that. I don't know if thats anything like whats happening to you?

I always saw what i was doing is dealing with past suppressed emotions, but then i guess its all connected with letting go of the egos grasp and allowing an open connection with innerself.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by codesmith

They also say fear is a delusion. When you evaluate the circumstances which bring up the emotion of fear, in most cases the rationality of the situation does not warrant the extent of fear felt.

That's just it. What is fear really, but itself? Spiders don't make you afraid, you see a spider and attach fear to it. Fear itself doesn't have a cause, though. It can't be dealt with on a cause-effect basis because it is self-fulfilling.

Of course, all this talking and analysis is just an excuse not to see the beautiful world right in front of me. I'm not seeing it, not because I'm afraid to, but because I want not to. I want every moment the way it is, and have no excuse for asking it to be different by anything but my own desire.

[lifetimelearner]

no spiders do make me afraid

because I know what their bite can do

[codesmith]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Of course, all this talking and analysis is just an excuse not to see the beautiful world right in front of me. I'm not seeing it, not because I'm afraid to, but because I want not to. I want every moment the way it is, and have no excuse for asking it to be different by anything but my own desire.

then i dont get what your problem is.

[AdamUK]

I think hes heading to the void of emptiness, next bus at 4pm

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by codesmith

then i dont get what your problem is.

That I won't have problems.