So much pain
I am in so much emotional pain. I know this post will sound petty and childish, but I don't give a darn anymore.
I hate being the outcast in my family. I hate the feeling of always being alone with no one to run to. I hate the feeling of not being good enough for them. Why can't I be good enough for them? Why can't I stop wanting they're approval. What do I do for them to feel this way?!
When I am depressed or in pain they dismiss it. To quote them "It's not like anything really bad has ever happened to you. You know your life isn't that stressful. Just ignore her, she's being all weird today."
It hurts so bad. It hurts ...so ...bad. I can't stand it.
I can't do anything to feel better and I can't even find a place to be alone and cry!!!
I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!...
i'm sorry to hear about your situation. we here care. i don't thinkit's fair they treat you how they do. you must find a place in your mind to be at ease, even though you can't find a physical place to go cry.
i'm sorry you feel terrible. we always look at other people and the way they treat us as some kind of reflection on ourselves (including me, i am battling to accept that i wasn't good enough for my ex, even though i tried so hard to do everything perfectly). it's not you who isn't good enough, remember that. I don't know what your situation is, but perhaps you need some time away from them?
Do you approve youself?
If you don't approve of yourself than you can't expect approval from anyone else (not that you should seek approval as it is a relative waste of time).
Don't try to live in other peoples boxes.
I too have struggled with being an outcast and with not being good enough for my parents. I realize now that both of my parents were seriously emotionally hurt as children, and they were (and are) doing the best they knew how, given that they were so emotionally wounded.
As a child I coped with it by excelling in the only way I knew that they would approve of me (which was doing well in school). To this day education is extremely important to me.
I think that it is really important that, if if you feel like there is nobody in your family that you can run to when you feel bad, you need to find someone outside your family who you feel comfortable and safe with. You need to find "surrogate parents". You need to understand that just because you aren't good enough for your family doesn't mean that you aren't good enough for anyone. You need to find the approval you crave from someone else.
You need to work on forgiving your family, realizing that they won't change. Remember that forgiving isn't for them, it is for you so that you can let go of the hurt. You need to understand that you don't do anything for them to feel this way, their emotions are about their own pain, not about you or anything you have done or could do.
Even if you had their approval, you would find a reason to feel this way. Maybe not as strongly, but your would still hurt. You are learning that you will never have their approval, that you will never get what you need from them or anybody else. You cannot be free of them because you are not a slave. You are not a slave, you are not nothing, you are not broken, and you are not alone. I'm here with you. Thank you for being here with me.
this is from Tao Te Ching
Opening your heart :
"care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner "-
emotional pain is not childish
it just is
scream if you want -let it out -punch your pillow
than GIVE yourself the kindness and understanding you crave
remember there are lots of us out there like you
we have been through what you are going through or we are still going through it
you are not alone :)
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