I feel like I'm the only person left in reality

[Paw]

When I was a child I was everything that I hate in a person, I was emotional, weak, stupid and annoying. When I stopped going to school at around age 12 to be independent and learn on my own, I changed completely. I became stronger.
But with that I started feeling horribly numb. Death didn't bother me, it felt tiny in the fabric of reality, and emotions are now a vivid memory.
I am not ashamed to admit that I feel like the only sane person on Earth, and I'm also very accepting and aware that I may be crazy. I feel bigger than everyone, and at the same time absolutely nothing.
Humans to me are meaningless beings, just mold in a petri dish, robots. I have convinced myself that we have no meaning, that there's no such thing as free will, and that there is and will never be anything to hope for for all eternity, and more.

I am fulfilling boredom posting here, that is the only reason I have to do anything anymore. I am not suicidal, I am happy to live for experience and knowledge, life is very exciting, and I seem to be the only person who understands how fulfilling and positive bad experiences are. You learn from them more than you do from good experiences, you've just been taught to believe they're bad, if they're not you can become ultimately powerful.
I feel like I have mastered life, mastered being a human being, and it's depressing. If I can even feel such a thing.

What do I do now? Should I teach myself to feel emotions again and live an average, emotionally weak life? Or should I use this power to help others, and myself? Perhaps learn behavioral psychology, so I can become somewhat stronger.

I can see feelings within my subconscious occasionally, yet my mind is numb, and I can't prevent myself from showing them to others when I talk, and when I lie. I feel like, my mind is another being, something far more powerful than I could ever remember, and it's trapped in this weak human subconscious and body.

[strawbear]

hmm i think that you're stuck in an illusion. you have fed yourself the thought that you have accomplished all that there is to be accomplished and that you have nothing else to do. try to learn something new and out fo the ordinary you will probably learn a lot about yourself and change your paradigm.

[Paw]

Originally Posted by strawbear

hmm i think that you're stuck in an illusion. you have fed yourself the thought that you have accomplished all that there is to be accomplished and that you have nothing else to do. try to learn something new and out fo the ordinary you will probably learn a lot about yourself and change your paradigm.

I don't think it's that. I'm only 17 years old. I feel 40 though, and that I've lived a million lives already.

Am I just a normal person with some silly mental illness? I know that everything I see is in my brain, so why couldn't this all just be psychological.

[lisamelinda]

if you don't feel emotions, how can life be exciting?

[ChaosKiwi]

Originally Posted by Paw

What do I do now? Should I teach myself to feel emotions again and live an average, emotionally weak life? Or should I use this power to help others, and myself?

Why are you asking us? We are meaningless, just mold in a petri dish, robots.

[Paw]

Originally Posted by lisamelinda

if you don't feel emotions, how can life be exciting?

The emotions I feel are like looking back on a memory, I know how they feel, but they're just words to me at the moment to create effect. It's the best way I have of describing my life so people can understand.
I am very sure I have emotions, because I show them, I sometimes cry, but I don't know why I do because I feel absolutely nothing. It's like someone is puppeting me.

Originally Posted by ChaosKiwi

Why are you asking us? We are meaningless, just mold in a petri dish, robots.

You can still have insight. Lets pretend you're all in my head, it would be like asking my subconscious the question, it's just another meaningless day to me, but it has purpose and consequence to make things interesting.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Paw

I am very sure I have emotions, because I show them, I sometimes cry, but I don't know why I do because I feel absolutely nothing. It's like someone is puppeting me.

Reminds me of one of my favorite songs.

And you think you feel most everything? And we know that our hearts are just made out of strings, strings to be pulled.

So you think you've figured out everything? But we know that our minds are just made out of strings, strings to be pulled.

All this talking all the time. The air fills up, up, up until there's nothing left to breathe. Up until there's nothing left to speak. Up into the better parts of space.

- Modest Mouse, Life Like Weeds.

[Wildside]

Have you been to disney world?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Paw

I feel like, my mind is another being, something far more powerful than I could ever remember, and it's trapped in this weak human subconscious and body.

Perhaps it is your weak human body that is strong, and your mind that is weak. Emotions are not weakness, pain is not weakness. I think you can understand that negative is not necessarily bad. Pain is what makes you strong, yes? Pain, failure, weakness; without these you would never learn to be strong. So you are limiting yourself by rejecting your emotions for fear of being weakened. Fear of weakness is still fear, and avoidance of fear is a hallmark of the weak.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Paw

emotions are now a vivid memory.

life is very exciting.

This confused me a bit. How can both be true at the same time?

[Parthon]

This post made me rather sad and very happy at the same time.

It's great to be free of emotional attachment. Living your life to the full is awesome and yes, life is all about growth, experience and living. Bad experiences and good. Death shouldn't be a bother either, it's just another facet of life.

As for your loss of emotions, that's the terrible and sad part. It's not emotions that make you weak, it's your attachment to them. You can experience your emotions as they are another facet of life to be experienced, but that doesn't mean you have to obey them or even listen to them. What they are is a connection between your bodily self and your conscious self. If you are missing one side of this then you will feel a disconnect, and that disconnect comes in the form of numbness. Numbness itself is a type of emotion. It's not even lack of emotion, it's the emotion of desolation and hopelessness. It's how you deal with never feeling anything good. Without the good though, why live?

Without hope you have no life, that's why you feel old. It's hope, passion and joy that gives life. Excitement means nothing without the feeling behind it. You can think excitement, you can even bodily feel excitement, but without the overwhelming sense of joy and peace that comes through your emotions, you will always feel numb.

Even worse, you've blocked your emotions on purpose, when you were younger. You were overcome by negative emotions and you dealt with them by shutting them off. I have no idea why, but you probably do. You described yourself as weak, why? There's a lot of discovery here for you to do, it's the only way you can become free, really free.

Last: Life is hope and passion. Life is experience and connection. Life is joy, peace and true happiness. If you aren't experiencing all of that on a daily basis, you aren't really living. You are just a mechanical meatbag going through the emotions because you've forgotten how to stop breathing.

[Paw]

Originally Posted by Parthon

This post...

I think the reason I'm unable to change is because I don't want to.
I see people on the news and in real life getting so emotional, upset, angry and starting arguments, it annoys me but makes me feel far stronger than them. Everyone wants to feel that, especially me who's been less than average all his life. I've always wanted to feel special, and powerful, this emotional numbness is the way my subconscious has handled with my personality.
Though it will always be difficult finding a partner who can accept that I'll never be able to contionusly feel anything for them.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Paw

Everyone wants to feel that, especially me who's been less than average all his life.

This struck a chord, I think it's the core of what's going on. People who *need* to feel powerful are hiding a fundamental fear o lacking, and you've just expressed that very clearly. You feel powerful, but numb. You like feeling better than the weak people, because you believe you are weaker yourself. In fact I would go so far as to say the weakness you see in everyone else is the weakness that's hiding in you.

The only way to break free of this cycle is to discover the truth. You are human. That's it. No more, no less, nothing else, nothing different. No more than anyone else, no less either.

This truth though, if explored fully, will allow you to keep your power and ability, but also revitalise your feelings and passion. And if you don't like it, well, you can always go back to being numb.

[bluedragon]

Originally Posted by Parthon

It's not emotions that make you weak, it's your attachment to them.

If attachment to emotions leads to suffering than obviously yes, attachment is our weakness.
But on the other hand, even if we are not attached to emotions, negative ones mean a weakness of the body. I tried to explain this to a physicist and a doctor and had no chance It's not that we can label certain emotions as bad. The same as we can't label anything at all to be bad. But we can label them as negative, to define those emotions that sabotage our health. Yes, exactly that, our physical health. If we feel anger often, we can be sure we will develop liver weakness (we say "being livid with anger, right?), or if we hate to much, our heart will be impaired (in Romanian, there is a popular saying "to die of "bad" heart", which means to die because you hated someone too much or you suffered because of a loved one's departure).

I can see feelings within my subconscious occasionally, yet my mind is numb, and I can't prevent myself from showing them to others when I talk, and when I lie. I feel like, my mind is another being, something far more powerful than I could ever remember, and it's trapped in this weak human subconscious and body.

I know just what you mean. Over time, through consistent pursuit, I developed pretty strong self confidence and courage. In many situations I feel perfectly ok, my heart doesn't beat faster, I don't feel embarrassed, but still many people around me see me as tense and shy. It's incredible. And I know that physically, I really am tense, and I know where I'm gonna find the answer why very soon. As for being free of emotions, I'm not sure it is a bad thing (I'm sure a Buddhist would say no) but beware that boredom and loneliness are emotions too.
I don't think you can bee free of emotions but still physically feel them. Actually, if you really were free of emotions you would be so at peace you wouldn't even post here, if not for an intention of enlightening others on your experience. What I think happens, is that you are blocking your connection to your body using your mind. You are able to block some emotions, but you also block much of the creative and life-generating energy from your lower center from ascending to your brain, and therefore a lot of emotional havoc may appear, even if you believe you are "free of emotions". I have done this mistake myself and that's why I can't dance to a salsa tune naturally, but at the same time, when my teacher tells us we are all idiots, I don't feel anything at all, except for mental adversity to such a crazy idea

[Paw]

Originally Posted by bluedragon

I know just what you mea...

We are all idiots. :P I have a somewhat fear of human stupidity, I will never respect another human probably for as long as I live, unless I can change, but I doubt that will happen.

I don't feel anything around me, no air, no energy, taste is even just a memory.
I can't watch movies because my brain is so numb that I can't feel the essence of reality, this is what truly makes me feel alone, yet I don't care because I know that reality is nothing. Who knows, this could all be in my head. I have been able to do some unexplainable things. I have phobiaphobia because I know that so easily I could give myself one of the worst phobias just by thinking it.

But again, every meaning to everything means nothing to me. When I'm typing now I don't think about it, it just happens like I'm being controlled. Everything humans do is instinct, I've just lost that illusion of free will.
This is my chemical makeup, a left over imprint of my former self just fading away until death.

[funnyav]

I went through that phase. Then I got into weird spiritual **** and it actually started working. Now i'm in a phase where I'm sifting the spiritual **** so the useful things remain and can be observed rationally.

In other words, I can make things happen by thinking about them (from 2 years of experience in this) and am now finding more and more logical, awesome explanations for it.

Also, read The Power of Now.

Edit: Wow, shit is censored. Silly parental guidance.

[Parthon]

Paw: do you include yourself in your description of "All humans are stupid."? Do you respect yourself, or are you another stupid like the rest of us?

*chant* One of us! One of us! One of us! *chant*

Honestly though, on the chart of consciousness you are WAY down at the levels of shame, guilt and apathy. There's only one lower, and that's where suicide lies. To reach the real emotions, love, joy and peace, you have to dig through all the other crap first. Then you'll unlock your real power. You say you are powerful now, I call bullcrap. You are just going through the motions, and yeah you can make things happen, but it's all the same, it's all junk. You can't create anything new because there's no passion, no inspiration. Right now you could be thinking "WTF is this guy on about, he's complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and toss. Even so much so that I don't want to read any more."

I have only one question: You are 17, if you live to 70, that's 53 more years. Imagine that. 53 years feeling numb, and without hope. That would be true agony. Perhaps it's time to listen to some of those "stupid ignorant idiots" that surround you, and see why they are happy, and you aren't. They might be stupid, but they seem to be getting it right more than you are.

[Paw]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Paw: do you include yourself in your description of "All humans are stupid."? Do you respect yourself, or are you another stupid like the rest of us?

I do include myself as a stupid human being. Like I said, I feel big but at the same time so small.