I'm a validation junkie

[cheech]

I'm always looking for reasons to feel good about myself. Almost everything I do is geared towards giving me those reasons. It's like I'm constantly going "well I'm eating healthily and I exercised today and person A loves me and I helped person B in this way and person C said this nice thing about me and person D wants to spend time with me and person E did this nice thing for me and I did this which made progress towards this goal and that which pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I'm doing this voulunteer work and I'm going to do that volunteer work...so I must be ok".

This is surely better than looking for reasons to feel bad about myself, and it does motivate me to make many improvements in my life and myself, and to reach out to others and to help them wherever I see an opportunity, so in some ways it's a very good thing

But I'm not sure it's a very healthy way of going about life. I feel like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit. Like deep down, I don't feel good about myself at all, and sometimes I'll manage to paper this over with surface reasons why I should feel good about myself, and feel good for a while, but sooner or later my core lack of love or respect for myself pokes through, and I go back to feeling bad for a while til I can cover it up again.

I'm not sure if I've always been doing this, or if it's a more recent thing. I feel like I used to be happier than I am now, but it's hard to tell. I'm not sure how reliable my memory is about that kind of thing. I've become more goal oriented over the past couple of years, and although this has enabled me to make some real improvements in my life (including massive improvements in my health and fitness), I also feel as if maybe I've lost some love and acceptance of myself in the process. I think I need a better balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement.

Steve wrote an article about this years ago, Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth which I've just re-read, and has some good ideas, but I'm not sure how to apply them. It's all very well to say you should identify yourself with unconditional love (and I do try to treat everyone in my life as lovingly as possible), but how do I actually go about this?

Funnily enough, two of my (many) resolutions for this year are meditating and keeping a gratitude journal (again, though, I feel as if there's an element of "look, i'm all deep and spiritual and stuff...I must be ok"). Steve suggests meditation and journaling in that blog, so maybe these will help. I started doing both a few days ago. We'll see if they make any difference. I'm not sure they really address my problems, though.

Thanks for listening. Advice, feedback, requests for additional information or clarification all welcome

Chica

[Cristal Lilly]

Originally Posted by cheech

But I'm not sure it's a very healthy way of going about life. I feel like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit. Like deep down, I don't feel good about myself at all, and sometimes I'll manage to paper this over with surface reasons why I should feel good about myself, and feel good for a while, but sooner or later my core lack of love or respect for myself pokes through, and I go back to feeling bad for a while til I can cover it up again.

you're quite right, it is unhealthy. what you described here is a classical tell tale sign of low self esteem and it fits the description down to a t. are you a perfectionist too, or did that subconsciously come out, cause I actually caught myself typing you a compliment and feeding that pit of yours?

I don't have all the answers, but about that question of yours on unconditional love. first, you get to feel more in tune with unconditional love the more you meditate, or so deepak chopra says. I would recommend his stuff for meditation purposes too, btw, if you're a beginner. he has nice descriptions of the proces , atleast in the little from him that I read. though if you decided to meditate, you probably found your own sources

ok, so on to personal experience of what is helping me work through the self love thing. forget treating other people, that's most probably only your pit sucking you into getting some more validation about how you're nice. I would say hug yourself and concentrate on sending yourself love. it's sort of like concentrating on love, focusing it and then washing over yourself and through yourself with those waves. this is just a personal description to help, it can be completely different for you. I know it sounds silly to hug yourself, but it kinda does work. I do it until I feel warm and fuzzy. if it's too embarassing when you need it (say you're in a bus), just mentally do it.. imagine big loving arms wrapping around you and try and actually feel them .

also, you might want to explore the root issue, which is raising self esteem (maybe reading a few books on the topic, or attending one of those workshop weekend thingies). you will probably find something else at the root of this root. the quest continues on.

[angies]

Geez I can really relate to this. It is like looking in a mirror. Yet strangely I don't feel like I have low self esteem, at least not in a self distruct way anyway.

I guess we are all a bit like that. It is basic human psychology to seek for validation, acceptance and love. That's what makes the world go round. The things I need to watch out for is not to get too unhappy and start beating myself up if the validation don't come forth. There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself after a nice compliment.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by angies

Geez I can really relate to this. It is like looking in a mirror. Yet strangely I don't feel like I have low self esteem, at least not in a self distruct way anyway.

I guess we are all a bit like that. It is basic human psychology to seek for validation, acceptance and love. That's what makes the world go round. The things I need to watch out for is not to get too unhappy and start beating myself up if the validation don't come forth. There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself after a nice compliment.

ditto

[RT Wolf]

Interesting quandry.

Well, in terms of true north principles, Steve's book contains his version of those. You could also read the Power of Now which is generalyl considered an antidote to the "ego".

Take a few days off to do none of the things that nromally make you feel good...and realize that you don't need a reason to feel good. For some odd reason, people think that if you wanna feel good, you've to do somin to deserve it, or be somin to deserve it. So weird...

Try to clarify what/who you think you are and nail it down. Are you the things you do? are you things you own? Are you your emotions? Your personality? Your body? Your position in life? etc. Identity seems to be a key thing here.

[dhg]

Originally Posted by cheech

I think I need a better balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement.

Steve wrote an article about this years ago, Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth which I've just re-read, and has some good ideas, but I'm not sure how to apply them. It's all very well to say you should identify yourself with unconditional love (and I do try to treat everyone in my life as lovingly as possible), but how do I actually go about this?

Yes! You do need to find a balance.

First off, let me just tell you I identify so well with what you are describing! To me, this pattern is all about conditional love. You think you need to do A or B or C or whatever in order to be OK.

Self-improvement can be very tricky. What you describe, setting goals and working on being healthy yourself and all, looks very reasonable on the surface, but it can be such a trap. Actually, what you need to find is self-acceptance, which I guess really means unconditional self-love. There really is no balance; the acceptance must be unconditional; it has to be there, no matter what you do, all the time. Unconditional.

Now, you might say that there is indeed a need for balance - if I would just accept myself the way I am, there would be no motivation for me to improve! This is part of the trap.

Here's how I see this: at the bottom there are only two motivations why you might want to improve: (a) because you _want_ to accept/love yourself, or (b) because you already love/accept yourself. Now, you probably don't say to yourself, "I want to improve because I don't love myself but I do want to", but instead you hide it behind motivations such as "I want to be more healthy and fit, so that people find me more attractive" or just "healthy is good". Bottom line though, is that you are doing these things to feel better about yourself. You think you need to do something to deserve your own love. This will only end up in endless improving without fully accepting yourself, or you'll just sabotage your own efforts, because you never felt worthy of your love to begin with.

Clearly, option (a) doesn't seem that good. What about (b)? Why would already accepting yourself be a motivation to improve? Well, think about it. If you really loved yourself, wouldn't you then want to be the very best you could possibly be? Wouldn't you want to give as much love and care to the world as you possibly could? I think you would. I know I would.

But this you already know. The problem is how to love yourself unconditionally. Well. First, realize that it is only you who can give yourself that permission, and that you only need it from yourself. Don't look for external permission. The love is there, and it's yours to give. Yes, it really is. Unconditionally. It's OK.

Funny thing. I just realized that what I've been writing really is all about me, it's exactly what I need to hear myself. I hope it might make some sense, and that it might give you some value as well

I have no regular resolutions for this year, but I have decided that my theme or focus for the entire year is to be the heart. That's right, 2009 is the year of love! :-D

[dhg]

Originally Posted by Cristal Lilly

I would say hug yourself and concentrate on sending yourself love. it's sort of like concentrating on love, focusing it and then washing over yourself and through yourself with those waves. this is just a personal description to help, it can be completely different for you. I know it sounds silly to hug yourself, but it kinda does work. I do it until I feel warm and fuzzy.

Hugging yourself, huh? A couple of years ago, I would have said, how silly. But, now, well, really, this is such a great tip!

[JGrace]

Caress your body, when you feel pain, especially. Tell your body that you love it, and appreciate it.

Caress your feelings, thank them for showing themselves and tell them you will love to learn what they have to teach you.

Caress your comforting possessions, favorite clothing, sheets, pillows. Tell them that you would love their support to relax you and help you accept life as it is, happy or not.

You are obviously a very honest person. This is a fabulous strength... I look forward to hearing what works for you.

[edith]

Originally Posted by JGrace

Tell your body that you love it, and appreciate it.

Does anybody have the problem that when they tell themselves something - something they want to believe but don't yet but they're saying it anyway to hopefully make it true - they get a little voice in their head mocking them?

oops

"There's a little green man in my head!"

Seriously, it's not that I hear voices, but I think my cynical thoughts pop up and overrun any more "healthy" thoughts I might have.

How do you tell yourself you love your body (if you don't really) and believe it? Or better put, how do you believe that you love your body just by telling it that? OK, you kwim.

[Tom Allen]

Self-improvement or however one calls it is not a goal that can be reached. It is always ahead of you no matter how hard you try.

When those cynical voices pop up in your thoughts; we all get them, don't question your dedication.

Reflect on what you have reached so far. Its been said: Its not what you have achieved that counts, its how much you have overcome.

[lifetimelearner]

hi chica

there is no reason why you shouldn't feel good about the things that you do
they are good things -you have improved your health for one thing
so feel good about that



this is only my opinion-but from reading your post I see that
the problem comes in when you use this to validate your existance


it's liking winning the contest and receiving the trophy
you want to display it so people can see it and think what a great person you are to win this trophy -in this sense validation is your trophy


but there is a DISCONNECTION somewhere and you feel that already
so you have taken the first two steps-

1) realization
2) seeking knowledge to change it


my 2 steps are

1) seeking knowledge from experts -using the information that resonates with me

2) digging deep into my soul for the answers-meditation can help with this one




brains are great but sometimes you just have to shut them down for awhile

[SimonaRich]

Oh they will help, trust me. I did not read Steve's post about it, but I am meditating for a long time and I always keep my gratitude journal with me. They work wonders, especially meditation!!!

[ProbableReality]

Have you seen this?

Validation