Distant & afraid I use people

[25AndJustBeginning]

I've noticed that people don't really mean that much to me. I care & don't want to hurt anyone nor see them get hurt but I always keep myself distant and uninvolved like I put on an act around them. I have friends. Friends that are there for me and friends that I'm there for but I never feel invovled w/ them. I mean, I will be there for them and have recently started to let them be there for me but I still feel like I put on an act, like I have to act a certain way for some reason and as a result the interaction is ingenuine (even though I've been called a very down to earth & genuine person all my life).

I'm afraid that I use people too. I don't have any real evidence of it but the thought just crossed my mind when I was emailing a friend from high school. This is the only friend that I keep in touch w/ from then and whom I get updates from about people from high school. It occurred to me that I use her for the purpose of updates. I don't know what to think about this and it makes me feel like a terrible person.

That thought got me thinking about how distant I am from people. About how I always keep myself distant and uninvolved. Again, I don't know what to think or what to do about this. I can say that I'm envious of other people that socialize w/ such ease and actually seem to enjoy it. It takes a lot of work for me to be around people because I feel like I need to always be doing... something when I interact w/ people. I'm not sure what but I always feel like I have to do things just right or else. It's always just so incredibly effortful.

Also - and I'm not sure if this helps but - I try very hard to be understanding of people & to not judge them even to the point of neglecting my own path thru life & best interests but always feel like an outcast.

Does anyone else identify w/ any of this???