Distant & afraid I use people

[25AndJustBeginning]

I've noticed that people don't really mean that much to me. I care & don't want to hurt anyone nor see them get hurt but I always keep myself distant and uninvolved like I put on an act around them. I have friends. Friends that are there for me and friends that I'm there for but I never feel invovled w/ them. I mean, I will be there for them and have recently started to let them be there for me but I still feel like I put on an act, like I have to act a certain way for some reason and as a result the interaction is ingenuine (even though I've been called a very down to earth & genuine person all my life).

I'm afraid that I use people too. I don't have any real evidence of it but the thought just crossed my mind when I was emailing a friend from high school. This is the only friend that I keep in touch w/ from then and whom I get updates from about people from high school. It occurred to me that I use her for the purpose of updates. I don't know what to think about this and it makes me feel like a terrible person.

That thought got me thinking about how distant I am from people. About how I always keep myself distant and uninvolved. Again, I don't know what to think or what to do about this. I can say that I'm envious of other people that socialize w/ such ease and actually seem to enjoy it. It takes a lot of work for me to be around people because I feel like I need to always be doing... something when I interact w/ people. I'm not sure what but I always feel like I have to do things just right or else. It's always just so incredibly effortful.

Also - and I'm not sure if this helps but - I try very hard to be understanding of people & to not judge them even to the point of neglecting my own path thru life & best interests but always feel like an outcast.

Does anyone else identify w/ any of this???

[brandongilbert]

Find people that are like minded and socialize with them. That will solve a lot of your issues here.

Maybe you just dont have that much in common with these particular people, so you arent that interested in them

If you dont feel like being around people or dealing with them, then dont.

Do things that you want to do and things that you enjoy doing.

[Loi13]

I totally identify with you.
You're probably an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. Do what pleases you and maybe you'll eventually find someone you care for and if you don't, who cares. Love is overrated.
As for using that friend. Are you sure this friend doesn't know that you're "using" her? Your friend may totally understand that you are using her for the purpose of updates and simply not care. Some people only hang out with me because I get good grades and they know I'm willing to help them cheat at any time. I know they're using me but I don't care.

[FrogNettle]

I relate very well to your description.

I've especially found it absolutely impossible to connect with anyone including my old friends. I'm pretty sure I know why I'm like this now, as I've spent countless hours in this state and analyzed it to bits. The only question that remains now is when will I decide to put myself back together.

Since socializing is difficult for you right now is there anything else that makes you passionate and gives your life meaning?

I ask this because it's entirely possible you've just been too passive in life and now find yourself a victim of circumstance. As you said you put others needs and comfort before yours but what else do you let in front of you?

I'm just ringing off ideas, but I suggest you take a look at yourself and decide what desires and needs aren't being fulfilled.

Just some thoughts, take care 25AndJustBeginning (I'm almost 25 too

[Jarrod]

See if you can imagine what you would be doing with people if you were not distant with them.

If you can pin down what behaviour you would be doing then you can go about trying it out and see what it is like.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Thx everyone. It's just nice to hear some advice and also that there are other people that identify w/ me. Thx again. Happy Holidays...

[CroMagna]

Originally Posted by Loi13

I totally identify with you.
You're probably an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. Do what pleases you and maybe you'll eventually find someone you care for and if you don't, who cares. Love is overrated.
As for using that friend. Are you sure this friend doesn't know that you're "using" her? Your friend may totally understand that you are using her for the purpose of updates and simply not care. Some people only hang out with me because I get good grades and they know I'm willing to help them cheat at any time. I know they're using me but I don't care.

Why would you not care if these people are using you?

[CroMagna]

Do you like keeping your distance?

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Do you like keeping your distance?

I must. Or there must be some benefit for it but I don't know what. Any ideas? But on the contrary, I think I crave closeness. Or hell, maybe I don't. I'm not even sure.

In fact, I'm not sure what I want. I have a hard time deciding what it is I want. It's like my motivations are so clouded by other factors; I think I mostly do things for reasons other than because I want to. I think I'm starting to live my own path through life as of late. It's just frustrating that I am always on eggshells when I'm around other people. I want company & intimacy but always think I have to be absolutely perfect around people so as not to make them upset or do anything wrong. In doing this I lose track of myself. Like I just mentioned, I'm just now starting to pay attention to myself & what I want in life. It's frustrating, really.

Again, does anybody identify w/ this or have any advice??

...thx again for all the support- it means a lot.

[magi13]

If you find there is a problem with your current outlook in life, you can choose to keep repeating it or make a change. If you want to make a change, make a small change, one step at a time till you accomplish your goal.

If you feel guilty with the things you do, step by step avoid doing it. If you do or don't like to keep distance with others? I think it's a trust issue. ^^ You will have to bare your soul to someone eventually, don't rush it and have fun.

Everyone has secrets, it's your right to keep yours.

[JustinSpeller]

I identify completely with what you're saying. I've totally been there. Whatever happens, try to be nice to yourself. You're doing an awesome job .

[tintin]

yeah tell me about it!
but after celestine prophecy i looked a bit deeper and started seeing this as my control drama.
so my control drama is 'aloof'
which hooks 'interrogators'
nice pay off! ahh all the attention.but the down side is when we dont know that its a drama and it turns into who we think we essentially are.
i think its learned response.and by first getting aware of it just watching yourself.asking what your pay off is one can start to see who we really are and that we are very much 'in the game' as much as the really social types that we despise and secretly yearn to become.

btw are either of your parents 'interrogators'?

[CroMagna]

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to keep your distance from people. I keep my distance.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by tintin

yeah tell me about it!
but after celestine prophecy i looked a bit deeper and started seeing this as my control drama.
so my control drama is 'aloof'
which hooks 'interrogators'
nice pay off! ahh all the attention.but the down side is when we dont know that its a drama and it turns into who we think we essentially are.
i think its learned response.and by first getting aware of it just watching yourself.asking what your pay off is one can start to see who we really are and that we are very much 'in the game' as much as the really social types that we despise and secretly yearn to become.

btw are either of your parents 'interrogators'?

Ok, this is interesting. I did read The Celestine Prophecy and even though I learned some things I didn't think much of my control drama. I am often aloof and just spacy. Actually, I tested (extremely) positive for ADHD.

So, your theory is that it's a self-induced lack of focus in order for others to interrogate me, eh?

Funny cuz my dad is totally self-absorbed. My mom, however, is a caretaker. I guess you could describe her as one who checks to see if you're ok... which is interesting... In fact, I usually go for motherly, nurturing girls. Coincidence??

Can you tell me anything else about this??????? I'd love to hear more, or at least where else I can look to learn more...

Thx!

[tintin]

its a good place to start basically getting aware of behavioral patterns.something which seems a fixed way of being might be a learned response.
your dad is aloof..why?
y kno we look carefully around and we start by examining 'others'
its fun "oh did you see that!? that was a poor me -intimidator exchange with joe an jane"
but go deeper.
we're all energy soakers.n we get it by hook or by crook
just observing exchanges is a first.

the book 'celestine an experiental guide' has got some exercises which might 'open' up new tracks of thought.
i liked the parental review.
like why we were born to these particular parents and what part of them do i have to carry forward and improve.
was pretty shook up after i did it took all out of me but it gave me a wonderful window into my own purpose n i also looked at em anew.
'who ARE these guys? iv known em my whole life and i kno NOTHING about em!'

[tintin]

oh ! and rember? there is no such thing as a coincidence
hey cromagna nope nuthing wrong if youre at peace with it.