Alone and bitter

[Remorse]

It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I almost wish I would.

I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.
I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.

I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.

[wolfgang]

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.

It's typical. Competition. Sibling rivalry. Maybe there is more to life than trying to please people and compete for attention. Are you the only one that sees this? Your siblings are stuck in it more than you, perhaps, and don't know they are being controlled by competing for attention. Maybe you can be free of wanting to achieve the most in the eyes of others and find your personal best life anyway, regardless of approval and what other's think of you.

[CroMagna]

Stop trying to fit in. You sound young so you're at that stage where you want to fit in with something or belong to something. That is mental slavery. Be your own person.

That does not sound like unconditional love. I have a cousin who broke the law, got invited to join the Crips gang, and almost got prison time. We still talk to him warmly and rushed to his family's aid. I have an aunt who still lives with my grandmother at the age of 50-something. We love her regardless and don't make her feel like less of a person. Your family is supposed to be a vessel of financial, intellectual, and emotional support when life gets harsh. If your family is actually making your life more miserable (or your friends) CUT THEM OFF. Be cordial at family gatherings like funerals, but keep your distance. I cut off one of my aunts. There are toxic family members and friends. You are not obligated to hang out of them if they're doing the exact opposite of their function by making your life miserable. It's their loss, not yours.

Be VIGILANT about mindfulness. You may dwell on the sibling rudeness, but that is entirely your fault at that point, because you have successfully removed yourself from the source and your mind is still focused on it. Keep yourself busy with enjoyable activities.

SUCCEED! Your family has a point that success is extremely important. Success is not fitting in or belonging to a group, buying a bunch of useless gadgets, having a prestigious/high paying job you hate, impressing your boring neighbors, getting married to someone you don't love, having kids you regret, believing in a god you don't serve, or doing exactly what you're told. Success means living a life of joy, passion, and freedom. Success is living up to and beyond your wildest dreams or potential. You're not academically-gifted because you don't have a passion for what you're doing and truly don't want to do it. You are just forcing yourself because you don't see any way out. Find your truly calling and you will probably immediately hop to it.

Mambo Racine is successful. She grew up in Massachusetts. She studied religion and learned French. She relocated to Haiti and joined a Voodoo temple. She rose through the ranks is now the Mambo. She is world-renowned as the only white Voodoo priestess. That's not successful by herd standards of 2.5 kids and a dog in the backyard, but that is a dream life. I'm sure she's not worrying about her doctor/lawyer siblings.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Remorse

It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I almost wish I would.

I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.
I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.

I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.

I am sending you a big huge hug because it sounds like you need it
you sound like me when I was young
I never fit in
I am glad you have teachers that like you

I know its hard to feel rejected in your own family

please do not hurt yourself
I used to cut myself and give myself bruises
for 2 reasons-

to feel something
anything besides the pain in my heart
and secondly because I wanted the attention I was not getting

if I had to do it all over again I would quit trying to get their attention
and focus on people that liked/loved me for me

find a mentor if you can ?

school counselor maybe ?

can you do that for me ?

write back soon

[funchy]

The problem is your outlook. You're insisting on seeing the bad and not the good.

Don't quite fit in with your big family? Be HAPPY you have a family. Some people don't have any family. Some people don't have a school to go to, siblings to live with, or any of that. Be happy you have your health and you're not stuck in a hospital for the holidays. Be happy you're in a country where you can celebrate the holidays freely. Be happy you're young and have your whole future ahead of you. There is so much to be thankful for every day.

Maybe your family isn't perfect, but you have a family.

You can choose to be sad and bitter or you can choose to accept, love, and be grateful. It's really up to you.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by funchy

The problem is your outlook. You're insisting on seeing the bad and not the good.

Don't quite fit in with your big family? Be HAPPY you have a family. Some people don't have any family. Some people don't have a school to go to, siblings to live with, or any of that. Be happy you have your health and you're not stuck in a hospital for the holidays. Be happy you're in a country where you can celebrate the holidays freely. Be happy you're young and have your whole future ahead of you. There is so much to be thankful for every day.

Maybe your family isn't perfect, but you have a family.

You can choose to be sad and bitter or you can choose to accept, love, and be grateful. It's really up to you.

It's hard to feel that way when you have so much pain from rejection

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

It's hard to feel that way when you have so much pain from rejection

It really is sometimes, isn't it?

But, as you reach for a thought that feels better, and then a little better than that, and then even better, you slowly get yourself out of the hole you're dwelling in.

If our thoughts really do create our reality, then continuing to mull over all the things we don't like about our lives will only create more of the same. if, on the other hand, if we reach (sometimes we can't even extend our arms and only reach with one finger tip) for something a tiny bit better, our life is being created in a whole new way.

I would challenge anyone who doesn't think it makes any difference to perform a diligent 30 day trial. Each time you have a negative thought, rephrase it ever so slightly differently, in incriments, until you have a generally positive thought. If you do this in a committed manner, using gratitude and thinking positive can actually change your life.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

It really is sometimes, isn't it?

But, as you reach for a thought that feels better, and then a little better than that, and then even better, you slowly get yourself out of the hole you're dwelling in.

If our thoughts really do create our reality, then continuing to mull over all the things we don't like about our lives will only create more of the same. if, on the other hand, if we reach (sometimes we can't even extend our arms and only reach with one finger tip) for something a tiny bit better, our life is being created in a whole new way.

I would challenge anyone who doesn't think it makes any difference to perform a diligent 30 day trial. Each time you have a negative thought, rephrase it ever so slightly differently, in incriments, until you have a generally positive thought. If you do this in a committed manner, using gratitude and thinking positive can actually change your life.

I am game for the 30 day trial !
what shall I call it ?

[lifetimelearner]

where are you remorse ?

and why did you choose remorse as your name ?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

I am game for the 30 day trial !
what shall I call it ?

Good question....hmmmm, "Think Happy Thoughts"?

Whatever name you like will do I'm sure. The key element of the trial is noticing when you are thinking negatively, buying into your story. Basically, it's matching being present (in the Now, Aware, whatever you like to call it) with a little LoA and...SHAZAM, things start to get better.

For me, it looks something like this:

"I'm a nothing loser. No one loves me! I'm doomed to die alone after which rats will eat my face." > "Actually, a couple of people on the internet might like me a little bit at least." > "If I really get honest with myself, my mom loves me too." > "I could brainstorm some ideas about meeting new people..." > "I'll call the one good friend I do have...I just realized I've been neglecting her!" > > > > > And on and on....instead of following the nasty thoughts into a downward spiral, you send yourself spiraling into the atmosphere with happy thoughts.

I know that doesn't seem like a dire situation because I threw in some humor (that usually helps too), but I've really felt like this before (a nothing loser) and had "evidence" to back it up. I read and absorbed a lot (and was smacked upside the head with it here on the boards) about changing your thoughts and self-talk and it does have an impact. The best thing is you can start anywhere, even when the knife is about to touch your skin, and turn it around. It might be hard at first, but if you keep it up it gets natural...just like the nasty thoughts were before. And that's when the people around you need to watch out because you will be on fire .

I'm sorry to divert the thread, but I hope this can help the OP too. I promise that many, many people on here have been where you are or are there now. So, we don't lack compassion for how you are feeling, we just want you to know that there is a happier way. And you can do it too.

Some other resources:
1) The Work of Byron Katie, her website and all her books, particularly "I Need Your Love, Is That True?".
2) Anything Angela says on this board along with her coaching technique (which you can see worked through here)
3) When Things Fall Apart and Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chodron
4) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
5) ALG's many posts regarding LoA (some good stuff here) where he spelled out a lot of techniques

Lots of love. You are not alone.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Good question....hmmmm, "Think Happy Thoughts"?

Whatever name you like will do I'm sure. The key element of the trial is noticing when you are thinking negatively, buying into your story. Basically, it's matching being present (in the Now, Aware, whatever you like to call it) with a little LoA and...SHAZAM, things start to get better.

For me, it looks something like this:

"I'm a nothing loser. No one loves me! I'm doomed to die alone after which rats will eat my face." > "Actually, a couple of people on the internet might like me a little bit at least." > "If I really get honest with myself, my mom loves me too." > "I could brainstorm some ideas about meeting new people..." > "I'll call the one good friend I do have...I just realized I've been neglecting her!" > > > > > And on and on....instead of following the nasty thoughts into a downward spiral, you send yourself spiraling into the atmosphere with happy thoughts.

I know that doesn't seem like a dire situation because I threw in some humor (that usually helps too), but I've really felt like this before (a nothing loser) and had "evidence" to back it up. I read and absorbed a lot (and was smacked upside the head with it here on the boards) about changing your thoughts and self-talk and it does have an impact. The best thing is you can start anywhere, even when the knife is about to touch your skin, and turn it around. It might be hard at first, but if you keep it up it gets natural...just like the nasty thoughts were before. And that's when the people around you need to watch out because you will be on fire .

I'm sorry to divert the thread, but I hope this can help the OP too. I promise that many, many people on here have been where you are or are there now. So, we don't lack compassion for how you are feeling, we just want you to know that there is a happier way. And you can do it too.

Some other resources:
1) The Work of Byron Katie, her website and all her books, particularly "I Need Your Love, Is That True?".
2) Anything Angela says on this board along with her coaching technique (which you can see worked through here)
3) When Things Fall Apart and Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chodron
4) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
5) ALG's many posts regarding LoA (some good stuff here) where he spelled out a lot of techniques

Lots of love. You are not alone.

thanks I was just reading some of steve's wisdom on his blog
I have been reading Eckart's book A new earth-its very interesting
I will check out the other things you suggested too
feeling less alone now that I found this forum !

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

thanks I was just reading some of steve's wisdom on his blog
I have been reading Eckart's book A new earth-its very interesting
I will check out the other things you suggested too
feeling less alone now that I found this forum !

It's a great place. And if you go back and read some of my earlier posts, you will see how far I've come. You'd see even more if you saw all the private messages and internal struggle.

I just want to encourage people because I know how it feels to feel lousy, like you are nothing, like you will always be alone. All of that is a lie, we don't have to buy into it

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

It's a great place. And if you go back and read some of my earlier posts, you will see how far I've come. You'd see even more if you saw all the private messages and internal struggle.

I just want to encourage people because I know how it feels to feel lousy, like you are nothing, like you will always be alone. All of that is a lie, we don't have to buy into it

thanks a bunch

[Remorse]

Thank y'all for all your help I just couldn't hold in in any longer this morning.

Originally Posted by CroMagna

Stop trying to fit in. You sound young so you're at that stage where you want to fit in with something or belong to something. That is mental slavery. Be your own person.
SUCCEED! Your family has a point that success is extremely important. Success is not fitting in or belonging to a group, buying a bunch of useless gadgets, having a prestigious/high paying job you hate, impressing your boring neighbors, getting married to someone you don't love, having kids you regret, believing in a god you don't serve, or doing exactly what you're told. Success means living a life of joy, passion, and freedom. Success is living up to and beyond your wildest dreams or potential. You're not academically-gifted because you don't have a passion for what you're doing and truly don't want to do it. You are just forcing yourself because you don't see any way out. Find your truly calling and you will probably immediately hop to it.

I truly want to be my own person, but whenever I try to stand alone and apart from the ppl that hurt, my dad and bro reach out to me.. and I can't stay away. I love my dad so much, but I don't know how I can be loyal to him and... I want to make him proud.

The problem is your outlook. You're insisting on seeing the bad and not the good.

Yes I know... but is hurts so bad sometimes that I can't seem to fix it for a while, I'm feeling better now (but still sniffling).

please do not hurt yourself
I used to cut myself and give myself bruises

Don't worry I won't...


[QUOTE] You sound young...[QUOTE/]

Yeah, I'm 17... 18 in 2 weeks

why did you choose remorse as your name ?

I have a lot of things I regret. There are so many opportunities I've botched or been to lazy or too scared to take. To timid yet to bold. I am involved in the arts but I can't get with a puny 4 years of experience. I have nothing to funnel all my energy into and my parents just don't understand (love dad but he just doesn't). I am going to college next fall and I am so afraid I won't have it all figured out yet! I am so confused about what to do that I don't do anything and just waste my life and watch it roll by. Now it's too late to pick up the slack...

There are so many things I regret...

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Remorse

I have a lot of things I regret. There are so many opportunities I've botched or been to lazy or too scared to take. To timid yet to bold. I am involved in the arts but I can't get with a puny 4 years of experience. I have nothing to funnel all my energy into and my parents just don't understand (love dad but he just doesn't). I am going to college next fall and I am so afraid I won't have it all figured out yet! I am so confused about what to do that I don't do anything and just waste my life and watch it roll by. Now it's too late to pick up the slack...

There are so many things I regret...

Regrets are a way to focus on the past, you know? It's judgment. See if you can learn from what it was instead of judging it. If you say you were too something or another, take that awareness and use it to grow. As a signal to yourself about what you want to tweak.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

[angies]

Big hug.

I am sure that your parents love you as much as your sibblings. Sometimes we build all this in our own head due to our own insecurity. It is hard when you are growing up,try to find yourself and also try to be who you think your parents would like you to be.

My son went through the same thinking when he was growing up and gave us lots of problems. While his sister was the clever kid and the perfect angel. Although I love both of them equally, I am sure that I made the same mistake as your parents and show more love or comparing him to his sisters on many occasions. I bet my son would have thought that I love his sister more and he was just the trouble child that I wish I did not have. However I stuck by him through his hard time and he has grown out of it beautifully. He is now so successful in his work and so ambitous and driven as he is trying to make up for the lost time that he wasted when he was younger. I love him to bit and we get along like house on fire. So one can say that I now love him more than my daughter. But again I always love both of them equally. It is just that parents are human being too, sometime they are not very good at showing their love equally and most often react to what happen.

Try not to compare yourself to your sibblings or anyone else, just try to do your best to be who you want to be. This is a bit abstract but it is very true and I am still learning this out myself. Whenever I feel unhappy, whenever someone try to backstab me at work or some friends say or do something nasty, I always remind myself of this.

[DerekH]

[QUOTE=Remorse;279781]Thank y'all for all your help I just couldn't hold in in any longer this morning.



I truly want to be my own person, but whenever I try to stand alone and apart from the ppl that hurt, my dad and bro reach out to me.. and I can't stay away. I love my dad so much, but I don't know how I can be loyal to him and... I want to make him proud.




Yes I know... but is hurts so bad sometimes that I can't seem to fix it for a while, I'm feeling better now (but still sniffling).




Don't worry I won't...

You sound young...[QUOTE/]

Yeah, I'm 17... 18 in 2 weeks



I have a lot of things I regret. There are so many opportunities I've botched or been to lazy or too scared to take. To timid yet to bold. I am involved in the arts but I can't get with a puny 4 years of experience. I have nothing to funnel all my energy into and my parents just don't understand (love dad but he just doesn't). I am going to college next fall and I am so afraid I won't have it all figured out yet! I am so confused about what to do that I don't do anything and just waste my life and watch it roll by. Now it's too late to pick up the slack...

There are so many things I regret...

Too late? Coming from a 17 year old! I feel the same at 22 lol.

I'm going to suggest a few things for you since I was in a similar situation.

If you are so unclear about where you want to go in life, I would strongly suggest that you take a year off school. You don't have the life experience to really know what you want to do yet. If there is something that you think you would really enjoy to goto school for, try getting an entry level job in that field. See how you enjoy it, do you dread going to work? Are you eager to learn?

What do you want to have all figured out? Noone expects you to know it all and if your parents do expect you to know it all... well they must've forgotten what it is to be 17 again.

There are two books that I will suggest you read. I've read quite a few self development books and the two that have helped me the most is 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle and Mr. Pavlinas book.

I know that you are a young woman and you have a strong bond with your brother and especially your father. You probably think sometimes that if your dad died, then you'd have no idea what to do. These types of feelings are very normal. You do have to start thinking that you will be independent one day. You can have lots of love for your father and brother but you will have to begin looking within for decisions that you want to make in life.

Don't expect yourself to understand this at all, we just need to plant the seed that you are becoming a self reliant, high self esteem woman (which is very attractive to the kind of guys you would want).

My last two girlfriends are both younger then me and have had issues with their dad so I do understand to a degree what you're feeling.

[Lauxa]

There's this analogy, I think it's in "Ask and It Is Given"... they talk about imagine yourself at a busy port... all sorts of boats coming and going all the time...

People have a saying that they "missed the boat", but really there are so many boats, hundreds of boats coming in and out every day. There are so many opportunities waiting for you, and regardless of what has happened in the past you can always make the decision to catch another boat.

Also, from your profile pic, I at least would classify you as "good looking". A bit on the melancholy side perhaps, but very pretty, really!

[lifetimelearner]

so I see you like theater
could you tell me more about that ?

[Remorse]

so I see you like theater
could you tell me more about that ?

Well really I am involved with musical theater more than anything else. I guess I've been doing since age 11 (so 6 years) but not professionally. I would have liked to make a career of it, but I am not a good enough singer/actor/dancer. I am more interested in mime (not to be confused with Pantomime!) and so far I am leaning toward that as a profession... if I can become a good enough mime that is.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Remorse

Well really I am involved with musical theater more than anything else. I guess I've been doing since age 11 (so 6 years) but not professionally. I would have liked to make a career of it, but I am not a good enough singer/actor/dancer. I am more interested in mime (not to be confused with Pantomime!) and so far I am leaning toward that as a profession... if I can become a good enough mime that is.

I think that's great !

[reikiangel]

You know what you are special, that's right, you are special. Everyone is. We all have our own identity, our uniqueness, and what makes us, us! Every family has competition, but it's the ones who stick it in your face you want to run away from.

Find your own life, your own talents, and hobbies. Join some meetup groups and move on. I've had my share of family stuff.. being a single parent without much help from siblings. but I've found my own life and am enjoying it.

You are important in this world, you just have to find yourself and your own selfworth.

[reikiangel]

And for all it's worth BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You can do anything you put your mind too.

[Plays With Life]

Maybe you belong as a member of the human race - and nobody can ever take that from you? That way you belong no matter what group you're in, or not in.