Clash of Values in Family

[Leaf]

I know, I know... This look like the typics teenage rambling, but I assure you this isn't it. For the last months, I've been thinking of asking for advice on this, but I refrained myself. Now, I just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm turning to you, guys (and gals).

Background

My father had a rough infancy. But that's it. Beated up when screwed up and the like. Pretty traditional.

My mother... Awful infancy. Her father would beat her up and her sisters, sexually abuse some of them, and even killed a two-year-old baby (indirect means). He scarred most of them for life. My mother is, for sure, scarred for life. She was a top student in school, and wanted to be a judge. Her father didn't even allow her to go for high-school.

My family has no friends. Nobody ever comes visit, and we never go visit anyone. We're just here. My parents work, get home, and then go to work again. That's their life, and they are proud they're leading a miserable, though honest, life. Now, the honest part is great, but they're the ones who are making themselves miserable.

My infancy (till I hit 16)

I was a depressed kid. Totally disconnected from reality. What I saw on TV was what I expect to get.

I went to school with used, large clothes, and a '60s hair. I was a spineless kid, who allowed everyone to run over me. The friends I managed to get, kinda dropped me out because I was too much of a loser. I don't censure them, they were right.

The time I hated the most were the Summer Vacations. I used to get home from school, and don't leave for 3 months straight. 3 months straight in front of the TV. That was it.

The older I was getting, the more depressed I was becoming. People were getting friends, girlfriends, having fun... Living life. Not me. I was watching TV. And my parents never cared for how I felt. They were happy I was a spineless kid, who topped the class, and never caused any problems. I was a joke at school. Even a cousin I had there beated me up.

I was almost 16. No friends, no girlfriend, no life. Then came the internet. One day, I was feeling down, went to google and typed something like "How to get a girlfriend". And that was it. Self-improvement slammed against my head. I read, I read, I read, and then I read some more. And I realized that I was the one in control of my life, and it was wrong to blame anyone for anything. I was in control.

Now

One year later, here I am. Lots of improving to do - but I'm happy. For the first time in my life. I dress well, I look good, I have friends, I have invitations to go out, I've met a sweet, sweet pretty girl whom I like very much (even though I never kissed a girl) and.. I'm happy. I'm working towards my goals. I'm constructing the life that I want. I'm proud of myself. I'm one of the best students in school, I have friends, people like me, people RESPECT me... I tell you, if my past-self looked to me, he would never believe we once were the same.

My parents don't like this. They never knew how I felt. They never... you know, really cared. My father didn't even knew wich grade I was attending. And I'm OK with that. But now it's different. They don't forbid me of going out, or of having friends or being happy. They make me feel guilty of it. It's destroying me inside.

I don't know what to do. I don't want my parents to keep on telling how much I suck, but if I do what they want, I'll lead the life I hate. I'm a responsible kid. I don't smoke, I don't get trashed, I don't wear scandalous clothes, I don't judge people, I have great grades, I help at home... I spend my vacations looking after my younger brother.

"You're worthless."

"You'll never be anything in life."

"Goddamit, stay at home!"

"You're so stupid. I bet you won't be able to perform in bed with your wife (that is, if you ever get one!). Will you want me to take care of it for you?" [in another words]

"You'll never be as good as your friends."

"You'll never be anything, because we're not rich, you know?"

I want my parents to respect me, to like me. But I want to grow, and they're not letting. It feels like... emotional blacmail.

"Oh... you're going out? But... there's so much to do around here... But go, if you really want to." - This while doing the depressed face and such.

I really tried to make this work. I tried to conciliate my growth with what my parents expect of me. It just doesn't work. They don't expect me to really have friends (as they don't have any - and I really mean it when I say it), they don't expect me to have fun and dreams. Those things are for kids living in rich families, they say.

I deserve to be happy, to have friends and a girlfriend. I deserve to choose what kind of person I want to be. And I'm living a happy and responsible life, now. And the only people who try to put me down are inside my family. I even get criticised for looking good!

"Oh... You're looking good. Do you think you live in a rich family to walk around like that?"

Please, some insight into this. As to please my family, I'm losing the life that makes me happy. It's so sad. I'm happy, I get shot down. I please them, I don't go out once in my vacations, I get depressed... And they just ignore me. Like they never cared. I don't want to sacrifice my dreams.

I'm thinking of living it all, even though that is going to make all of my family shoot me down.

Sorry for the monster post, and thanks for reading through all of it. =)

P.S: Sorry if it's a bit confusing. I wrote it after the night ritual of insulting me - so, yeah.

[Holistic Star]

You know what Leaf, I am so impressed by you. You're 16, thoughtful, intelligent, caring, taking responsibility for your own personal development in very trying circumstances. You've turned yourself around in a year. Wow!

I don't know what the exact answer is. I think it would be hard for anyone to maintain a postive attitude in the face of such emotional abuse. However if you can manage it at home, now, then once you get out into the world you will be very strong and be able to tackle anything. I have confidence in you that you will find the answer. It takes courage to stand up for your own life and be who you are, but you are already doing it. You may have times where you feel dragged down but you will find a way through. They are frightened and all there actions are coming from fear. Is there anyway you could feel pity or love for them instead of feeling guilty when they put you down. You are not responsible for their happiness, however if you stick to your path, maybe you can show them the way to break out of the cages they have created themselves.

When they say those things to you how do you react. Have you told them calmly how they make you feel when they put you down. Do you go out anyway regardless of what they say? (I hope you do!). It's great that you have friends and invites out, that just shows that your parents are talking complete bollocks. Just a thought, but is there anyone that you could move in with for a few months to give you a bit of space. I know they don't have any friends, but are there any relatives or even a teacher at school that you could lodge with while you complete your schooling?

I'm sorry this is a bit short on practical advice, but I really do think that you will make it and be successful.

And good luck with that sweet pretty girl too

[Erin Pavlina]

The next time they say something to you that you know is not true, that comes from a low level of awareness, or is just plain wrong... don't take ownership of their statement. it's hard to do at first. But keep trying.

I've had people in my life say things that appeared to be an attempt to bring me down a peg or to make me feel a certain way. But as you must know from reading about self improvment, no one can make you feel anything without your permission. So if you feel guilty when they say something, try to figure out why you're allowing yourself to sink to that level of awareness. Often, there is a grain of truth in what they are saying. Work on that part of yourself that is allowing the guilty feelings, then the next time they say something like that you won't feel guilty.

One thing that might help is that the next time they say something like, "You're not good enough," say, "I don't agree."

The next time they say, "You'll never amount to anything" say "I don't agree."

Etc.

Feel compassion and pity for them. Maybe there is a part of them that is jealous that you are not having a pity party with them.

Bottom line though, do not take ownership of what they say to you if it does not feel right to you.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Brilliant response Erin. I like it. Leaf, you know how great you are, and it's true your poor parents are confused, and are probably feeling somewhat rejected because you're going out when they're not. You have friends and they don't! This is not your problem in any way, but it may help you to feel compassion for them. Given their upbringing (good of you to mention it) they probably have little or no social/emotional skills to help them get on in society. It's amazing they met and married!!

It's brilliant that you have found your way out of the miserable life they have built for you. But this will be difficult. My only other alternative is to read Steve's blog article on dealing with closed mindedness. I SO love this blog as it gives you the ideal "out statement" for their comments. Rather than directly contradicting your parents, you could try saying "You might be right". Because from where they're coming from, they ARE right. Doesn't mean you have to agree!!

Definitely in your head, if you get any zing that they ARE right, examine yourself carefully to figure out why you might think that. EFT can be good for getting rid of the internal critical voice, or working through these issues. You can get a beginner's guide to get started from my homepage, or try some other techniques often listed here.

Congratulations on your achievements so far Leaf!!

Hazel

[Dating Specialist]

Wow Leaf, you are truly an amazing boy I must say! Given that you have went through so much emotional pain (I'm sure your parents have downloaded theirs to you too) I'm impressed with such maturity you displayed in handling those events and never using that as a legitimate excuse to go astray.

Taking my hats off to you Leaf!

I agree with what Erin said too. Do not give your parents permission to bring you down. At the same time, maybe you can consider leaving some books on PD or positive thinking lying around, on the couch or coffee table or something. Who knows one fine day your parents may just pick it up and start reading it.

It takes time for your parents to realise what they are doing, for what I see now there're lots of emotional blackmail. If you really want to help them get out of that rut, firstly you have to stick on with your growth and personal development that have started to bring you those good things in life - relationships, friendship, healthy self-esteeme etc.

When your parents see such glow in you for an extended time and they knew that will last, they may just be curious to know what causes such change. So the books may just come in handy!

I tested this before (though on a different situation) and it worked! My mom actually read that book I left there. What she didn't realise was that was left there deliberately, rather than carelessly as what she assumed.

Lastly, all the best to you Leaf. You certainly deserve more good things in life, esp love and happiness.

[Leaf]

Thanks everyone, for your kind replies.

Holistic Star, as for me moving out to live with someone else, it would just end up damaging my relationships with my parents even more, to a dangerous extent. But thanks for the suggestion, though, and for your kind and encouraging reply.

I think I can see, now, what I should do. I ought not to give in to emotional blackmail, and develop a sense of compassion towards my parents, instead of nurturing anger and guilt inside of myself.

Again, thanks for your replies. They were all very helpful and encouraging.

[belugagirl]

Leaf, is there a chance that your parents, themselves so jaded about life, are trying to "toughen you up" or keep you from getting your hopes up about life just to be--as they see it--inevitably shot down? Sounds like they see the world as a harsh place for everyone who's not rich. Maybe they feel responsible for making you see "how things are." Of course, that's not how things are, and you see that, but looking at it this way might help you feel that compassion for them instead of guilt when it's difficult to do so.

Also, they might be feeling left behind. You're having the life they couldn't manage to make for themselves. Like everyone else here, I'm impressed with your ability to overcome such emotional abuse. It's clear what abuse did to them, leading them to subject you to another round. But you have broken the cycle. And for that, I give you a great big cyber-pat on the back. Oh, what the heck: a great big electronic hug, too!

I have a feeling you will find the strength to persist in your own growth while enduring their attempts to drag you down long enough to get out on your own. Do you have plans to go to college?